He Or She? Question For My Christian Friends

[Michelle]

I just skimmed the replies and I'm a little bit shocked by some of the responses!
I am a Christian, born and raised in a conservative Christian family and went to a Christian school through high school. I'm a pastor's wife (just my background)
When my oldest dd was 4 she changed her name to Jory and was a boy. It was all pretend! I didn't make a big deal out of it at all-actually I don't ever remember having any type of "discussion" about it at all. She knew she was really a girl and that it was all pretend. It lasted about 2 weeks and that was the end of it.
I think maybe everyone's (starting with the parents) blowing this way too far our of proportion and worrying about something that's not even an issue, and probably creating an issue for the child when there wasn't one to start with.
The op hasn't even started care yet and from what I've read there doesn't seem to be any biological issues. Let the child pretend.
My opinion might be different if the OP gave more information on the child and what the parents have done so far.

I wrote as much as I know... I was just hoping I wasn't the only one thinking this way . I am relieved that others would do the same as I plan to do.

[Michelle]

My sister wanted to be a boy until at least the age of 12. Hated dresses, walked around shirtless until puberty (we are European, so my parents didn't care...). She's now married with 4 children

Then, slowly as puberty hit...and boys came into play, things changed. She named her first child Tiffany, of all things (I would have expected Bobbi or Toni from her).

We went to Goodwill on Sunday and she is SO happy about the sundress she "scored" for $6.99.

I guess I'm in the camp that you should try to use her name as much as possible. Typically, you are not going to be using gender pronouns to talk TO her, so it's only when you are talking ABOUT her that's it's an issue.

Maybe she's transgender, maybe not. I was pretty sure I was princess until I was 5 or 6. When I was 15, I dreamed of meeting Graham Russell of the band Air Supply on the beach in Australia, where he would fall hopelessly in love with me.

As for the parent's being confused...duh! Their 4year old is telling them she wants to be a boy, and they don't WANT her to be different; to be ridiculed and ostricized. They WANT her to be "normal" (our family motto is there is no normal). But, they are afraid that they may damage her forever if they deny her the this identity. Heck ya, I'd be confused!

I am extremely excepting of Gay and Lesbian people. Yet, when MY 15 yo daughter claims that she's "BI", I'm still nervous and worried. I know it will make her life harder. So I guess it's all fine and good until it's MY child?

Even now, I'm taking a wait-and-see approach, because she's also in no hurry to get into ANY relationship, fortunately. Right now, she claims to have a GF, but said GF lives 2000 miles away, and they can only talk via electronic means.

So...meanwhile, I try to keep my feelings out of it and support her, keeping the lines of communication open.

Thank you so much for your openness!
I plan to work closely with the mom as to how to deal with this.
It's ultimately her decision and I will tell her point blank that I will not refer to her as "he" then she can decide if she wants to bring her or not.
I think she will.

[Kelly]

I am not a Christian--I am an atheist so maybe my opinion doesn't counton this subject but if you believe that God has a reason for everything he does, then you believe that he has a reason that my sons were born with Down Syndrome or that other children are born without limbs or with disabling diseases and conditions or even born dead, right. So by that reasoning couldn't a child be born transgender for some purpose too? I'm not saying that this particular child is transgender. Maybe it's a phase, maybe pretend or maybe he really is. Whatever it is, his feelings should be respected. I would call him "he" or whatever if that was his and his family's wish. As far as it causing confusion for the other DCKs, look at it as a good opportunity to teach them that everyone is different and should be accepted and respected as they are.

[clep]

When I have a day home child playing a dog for example and I call them he, she or their name I have not once had them upset about that. The OP says the girl get's upset if she is addressed as she.

Pretend play is great, but I am not about to be corrected by a four year old upset about it if I get it wrong.

The fact that the parent feels a need to bring this up says to me that this has been going on for some time. Do you know how long the child has insisted on this?

I would not address the child as the wrong gender. One reason is that I have other children that are just learning about genders and that would probably confuse them. I just had a little girl today recognize that a boy in my day home is in fact a boy. She is at that developmental stage, and it need not be confusing for her. Also, she is not a boy so I would not address her as such.

The child can call herself whatever she wants, and so can the parents. I will not be dictated to and corrected for my personal choices.

[Michelle]

Well, I met with them, wonderful kids and very sweet mom.
Apparently this has a name, it's called gender dysphoria of childhood.
I was given a letter from a psychiatrist that I am not to try to change her feelings about her decision or discriminate against her.( never planned on it) Interesting though that the letter did use the words she and her when talking about the child, so I just plan to call her by her name, which by the way is a very pretty name and she does accept that, so again I really appreciate all of your help and very thoughtful posts.

[familyschoolcare]

Apparently this has a name, it's called gender dysphoria of childhood.

I was going to post ssimiliar info. I just got.

My husband who has some medicail training/experienc. Also said that there a case he has heard of lots of pappers about it exctera. where a child born to look like a girl that from the time she could talk was saying she was a boy. Always when ever it came up I am a boy I am a boy. Then when the child hit purburity all the boy parts dropped and appeared and the child was now a boy.

[Michelle]

I was going to post ssimiliar info. I just got.

My husband who has some medicail training/experienc. Also said that there a case he has heard of lots of pappers about it exctera. where a child born to look like a girl that from the time she could talk was saying she was a boy. Always when ever it came up I am a boy I am a boy. Then when the child hit purburity all the boy parts dropped and appeared and the child was now a boy.

wow, yea I have watched shows on the medical channel about this.
Maybe she should have an ultrasound or a blood test to see if she has this.

[momofsix]

Well, I met with them, wonderful kids and very sweet mom.
Apparently this has a name, it's called gender dysphoria of childhood.
I was given a letter from a psychiatrist that I am not to try to change her feelings about her decision or discriminate against her.( never planned on it) Interesting though that the letter did use the words she and her when talking about the child, so I just plan to call her by her name, which by the way is a very pretty name and she does accept that, so again I really appreciate all of your help and very thoughtful posts.

So glad you got to meet with them and that they were wonderful and that they're enrolling in your daycare. I think the fact that you've shown such concern for the child and this "issue" shows that she will be well cared for by you and is blessed to be in your care.

[Michelle]

So glad you got to meet with them and that they were wonderful and that they're enrolling in your daycare. I think the fact that you've shown such concern for the child and this "issue" shows that she will be well cared for by you and is blessed to be in your care.

aw, thank you
my family has been praying for this angel every night this week. lovethis

[Texasjeepgirl]

I just saw this on CNN.. and remembered this thread from last week...

http://www.cnn.com/2012/08/27/living/harrods-gender-neutral-toys/index.html?hpt=hp_c3

[SilverSabre25]

So glad you met with them and got a straight story!

glad to hear that they're enrolling. Good luck!

[Michelle]

well today was their first day and I had them for an hour..(she has a twin sister) and the arrangement was to watch them for an hour and then take them to head start. So, I walked them in the classroom and the teachers all gushed over her very girly twin saying "little miss beautiful is here!" and the other child just walked over and sat down to play with toys and got no attention what so ever! I wanted to say something but I am just going to watch and listen for a week and see if they continue this.
I am so sad right now, I wish I can have them all day.

[Michelle]

I just saw this on CNN.. and remembered this thread from last week...

http://www.cnn.com/2012/08/27/living...html?hpt=hp_c3

thanks, that was very interesting.
it's funny because my dd 20 loves star wars and she is very girly!

[Blackcat31]

well today was their first day and I had them for an hour..(she has a twin sister) and the arrangement was to watch them for an hour and then take them to head start. So, I walked them in the classroom and the teachers all gushed over her very girly twin saying "little miss beautiful is here!" and the other child just walked over and sat down to play with toys and got no attention what so ever! I wanted to say something but I am just going to watch and listen for a week and see if they continue this.
I am so sad right now, I wish I can have them all day.

That IS sad. I thought ECE teachers (especially HS) aren't suppose to "assign" labels like that to a child. Just because they are BOTH beautiful, shouldn't mean only one of them gets attention for it. They should be saying how wonderful it is that BOTH children are there!

I would probably mention that to the kids' mom as that is kind of rude in general. Acknowledge BOTH children and not with labels that are physical. I mean we surely wouldn't say "Oh look the ugly kid is here!" ....which is what the other child probably heard in unspoken words.

[Willow]

So, I walked them in the classroom and the teachers all gushed over her very girly twin saying "little miss beautiful is here!" and the other child just walked over and sat down to play with toys and got no attention what so ever! .

Maybe that's why she's doing it? Maybe she doesn't *want* that kind of attention? Whether it's a mere annoyance to her for everyone to ooooh and aawweeee over her (social anxiety? maybe she has a hard time with the attention?) or a flat out rejection of femininity because she wants to differentiate herself from her twin....as soon as you said twin I went aaaaahhhh, ok, there could be something with that for sure. If so it's obviously working for her.


Further and less likely but I wanted to mention it now that you took her on and obviously are set to look out for her - I took a training once for my foster care license that discussed things like gender dysphoria (intentional rather than the result of confusion) in regards to a child being abused. A female child perpetuating male behaviors/stereotypes in an attempt to ward off unwanted advances from those interested in "pretty little girls."

Extremely unpleasant to contemplate but it does happen. I had one in my care once. She had to be taught that brushing the knots out of her hair, wearing something other than a mans size XL shirt and smelling like something other than her pee or poop wasn't an invitation for her to get hurt.


I'm sure after awhile you'll sort out whether the issue is a benign or more serious one.

In the meantime if you were interested I don't think it would hurt to help her find some ways to boost her confidence and help her feel more like an individual. Sort out what her strengths are, help her find her niche....is it painting, drawing, building, imaginative play, being your helper, singing or dancing...once you sort it out play it up. If it's just a phase it'll pass a lot faster if she sees she can get attention for behaving in other ways. If it's not it'll at least help build your bond which could be important to helping her overcome whatever is the real root cause of what's going on.