He Or She? Question For My Christian Friends

[Unregistered]

Respect others!

So many of the replies are focused on making the 4 yo comply to adult standards. Why not respect the child and call the child 'him' at the child's insistence? If a child purposefully called me the wrong pronoun I would get down to the child's level and explain respect and demand respect starting with being called the correct name and pronoun. I don't see why adults feel any need whatsoever to disrespect a child who clearly knows what he/she wants to be called. Also the bigger the deal is made at this point the more the child is likely to rebel. Don't make a big deal out of it, respect the child, and the situation will resolve in due time. This goes for a lot of things children do. They are exploring their world and so long as they aren't hurting others and are being respectful live and let live.

[countrymom]

I think this boils down to, "why are the parents going back and forth about this" I'm just having a hard time understanding why the parents can't make up their mind.

[Willow]

I think it's ridiculous how some of you are self diagnosing a 4 year old as potentially transgendered.

I have a kid in my care right now who recently got a dog. He now claims he's a dog. He will respond to his name and act normally when I ask him to, like at mealtimes, but he is absolutely tickled when I engage in his imaginative play and call him puppy. The rest of the kids think it's a hilarious game and when I pat his head or throw imaginary ball for him I've recently also now started engaging a giraffe, princess and a power ranger.

I've never heard anything about imaginative role playing like that being any kind of damaging, nor is it any kind of indicator the kids in my care are going to grow up and demand to be dogs, giraffes, princesses or power rangers.

Some of you need to chill out and stop hollaring out the names of genitals in protest. If this is merely a phase freaking out about it will screw her up way before indulgence ever could.

[JenNJ]

I think it's ridiculous how some of you are self diagnosing a 4 year old as potentially transgendered.

Well, this is the age where a transgendered person typically begins to identify with the opposite gender. I don't think anyone is diagnosing, but I think it fair to say that it is a 50/50 shot whether it is a phase or a true identity issue.

[countrymom]

I think it's ridiculous how some of you are self diagnosing a 4 year old as potentially transgendered.

I have a kid in my care right now who recently got a dog. He now claims he's a dog. He will respond to his name and act normally when I ask him to, like at mealtimes, but he is absolutely tickled when I engage in his imaginative play and call him puppy. The rest of the kids think it's a hilarious game and when I pat his head or throw imaginary ball for him I've recently also now started engaging a giraffe, princess and a power ranger.

I've never heard anything about imaginative role playing like that being any kind of damaging, nor is it any kind of indicator the kids in my care are going to grow up and demand to be dogs, giraffes, princesses or power rangers.

Some of you need to chill out and stop hollaring out the names of genitals in protest. If this is merely a phase freaking out about it will screw her up way before indulgence ever could.

but there is a difference between imaginative play and identifying yourself as someone of the oppisite sex. My ds was a hamster for a long, but thats imaginative play, he still knew he was a boy. But this child is not playing a game. Oh I hate power rangers, I have one here too.

[JenNJ]

but there is a difference between imaginative play and identifying yourself as someone of the oppisite sex. My ds was a hamster for a long, but thats imaginative play, he still knew he was a boy. But this child is not playing a game. Oh I hate power rangers, I have one here too.

Anyone versed in child development can see that this is more than imaginative play. Kids pretend and experiment, but when it gets to this level a professional is needed to get everyone on the same page for the child's sake.

[jen2651]

I am Christian and republican (oh lord this is a revealing post) but I would ask the parents opinion - I believe it seems as though the mother is asking the child to be called him. But to be completely honest, I think it would be easy to avoid this by using the child's name as opposed to a pronoun. It is not like this is Spanish where the word needs to have a male/female connotation (friend in Spanish, girl = amiga, boy=amigo, in true Spanish language).

This is rather unrelated but I had a 3 almost 4 year old boy that I ended up terming for behavioral issues but mostly because his mother and I couldn't mesh on how to deal with some of the issues. She was/is an angry bitter woman (rather young, 23) BUT her angry demeanor all stemmed from the fact her dad decided he wanted a different lifestyle when she was 16. He is a very kind hearted, upstanding, professional man. She has completely cut him out of her life...when dad would pick up the Fridays of his weekend, then the boy would see his grandpa - they parents weren't together - how sad is that that the boy couldn't see his mothers father with her?! But, to draw this together, she told me under absolutely no circumstances was he to do any girl things at my house...she didn't want her son to turn out to be a **gg** (very obscene word for a gay man which I instantly told her wasn't allowed to be used in my house). So, he (I didn't follow her rules) wasn't allowed to dress up at all, not even in 'cowboy' clothes because this may lead to cross dressing (apparently dressing up was bad), couldn't play house, couldn't play with babies, couldn't paint with pink, she wanted me to have different sets of crayons, markers, and paint for him with no 'girl' colors, couldn't play in the playhouse outside, couldn't 'help with the babies' etc. Obviously this didn't come out immediately or I would have said I could in no way control all of that...

My point is, she was determining/mandating he personality to be only 'tough boy'. Towards the end I told her he was going to grow up to be a big strong highschooler that is mean...the one who mocks boys and calls the gay for wearing different clothes that him, the one who wouldn't respect anything a girl says. She was making life so confusing for him.

I know this really doesn't relate but in my circumstance I learned that you need to take the cues from the child. NOT let them rule the roost, but allow their opinion to matter! This child is 4...she may or may not know what she wants to be when she grows up, she may want to be a farmer, or lord knows, like my son, a tree?! But I really do think if the parents are in a way following her lead, then so should you. If you feel as though you can't, that is completely respectable, but please tell them upfront so they may decide if you are still the daycare for them.

Sorry so long and slightly off topic!

[Michelle]

thank you, you all have given me a lot to think about.
I agree that a 4 year old is way too young to make people call them something they are not. I usually call them their name or sweetheart,or sweetie. I will meet the family on Friday and I will fill you in on what happens. I just had a quick conversation on the phone with mom and she told me about her. I really don't mind a girl being a tom boy at all. It's the being called "he" issue. I think it will be way too confusing to the other kids and I just can't do it.
I think this is a single mom with no dad involved.

[momofsix]

I just skimmed the replies and I'm a little bit shocked by some of the responses!
I am a Christian, born and raised in a conservative Christian family and went to a Christian school through high school. I'm a pastor's wife (just my background)
When my oldest dd was 4 she changed her name to Jory and was a boy. It was all pretend! I didn't make a big deal out of it at all-actually I don't ever remember having any type of "discussion" about it at all. She knew she was really a girl and that it was all pretend. It lasted about 2 weeks and that was the end of it.
I think maybe everyone's (starting with the parents) blowing this way too far our of proportion and worrying about something that's not even an issue, and probably creating an issue for the child when there wasn't one to start with.
The op hasn't even started care yet and from what I've read there doesn't seem to be any biological issues. Let the child pretend.
My opinion might be different if the OP gave more information on the child and what the parents have done so far.

[Hunni Bee]

The child that the OP was asking about was NOT born with both "parts". and this is is what I was replying to. Yes it is not always black and white but the question that the OP has is................... If a 4 year old girl wears only boys clothes and insist's on being called "he" would you do it?

I would not! If she has a vagina she is a girl.............SORRY! GOD MADE YOU A GIRL!

You may dress as a boy, you may play with trucks, you may play with GI Joes and Power Rangers, I will buy you power tools as you get older, I will allow you to work on the truck with daddy etc, etc, etc......BUT God made you a girl & you are a GIRL and I will raise you as a girl because you have a vagina.

If I had my own child who was born with both male and female parts then depending on the extent of what they were given, I may have a different opinion.

Right now my opinion is this!!! Based on what our dear Lord gave you when you were born is how I am going to determine how I dress you.

Some parents these days are just really messed up and THEY are the ones who push/decide who/what their children are or how they should behave.

God help us all because this world is totally messed up![/B]

I agree with this 1000%. This is exactly how I feel.

This is not 1935 - your clothing and activities do not define your gender. If she wants to wear boy clothes, fine. She wants to play "boy" games and toys so be it, but to me toys are toys anyway. Those are appropriate choices for a four year old.

An inappropriate choice for a four year old is to decide their gender. If when SHE gets to a certain age where she has enough information to make those decisions on her own, she still feels this way, then she should do that. Whether it's wrong or right in Gods eyes, she'll have to accept that. At four she cannot accept it, does not understand it, and shouldn't be in the position to.

By going along with this, her parents are making this choice for her and that's inappropriate in my opinion as well. She should make this choice for herself, but not at four.

[Willow]

but there is a difference between imaginative play and identifying yourself as someone of the oppisite sex.

I disagree.

I think that's the definition of imaginative play. Pretending to be something you're not. Whether it's an animal, a super hero, a king when you're a girl, a mommy when you're a boy or an inanimate object entirely.


Kids don't have the ability to reason that what's between their legs should dictate what they pretend they are in play.

I fail to see how a girl pretending to be a boy is any more repulsive, morally bankrupt, ethically challenging or harmful than a girl pretending to be a giraffe.

[KEG123]

I'd avoid any gender identification at all. No he/she at all. Name only. It may be hard, but it would be best.

[Willow]

Anyone versed in child development can see that this is more than imaginative play. Kids pretend and experiment, but when it gets to this level a professional is needed to get everyone on the same page for the child's sake.

Thanks for the implication that because someone disagrees with you that automatically means they're an idiot that knows nothing about child development!


Anyone can see this is more than imaginative play? I'm sorry but have you met this child? The OP hasn't even done that but you feel qualified and confident enough having this very tiny bit of second hand information to peg this very young child as struggling with a gender identity crisis who needs professional intervention as opposed to a child merely attention seeking or having an active imagination?


I know I wouldn't. I couldn't dream of making such an assertion over the internet having no first hand knowledge of the situation, the child or the family myself nor having met any of them before.

[Willow]

jen2651 and momofsix -

I couldn't agree with the both of you more!

[Heidi]

My sister wanted to be a boy until at least the age of 12. Hated dresses, walked around shirtless until puberty (we are European, so my parents didn't care...). She's now married with 4 children

Then, slowly as puberty hit...and boys came into play, things changed. She named her first child Tiffany, of all things (I would have expected Bobbi or Toni from her).

We went to Goodwill on Sunday and she is SO happy about the sundress she "scored" for $6.99.

I guess I'm in the camp that you should try to use her name as much as possible. Typically, you are not going to be using gender pronouns to talk TO her, so it's only when you are talking ABOUT her that's it's an issue.

Maybe she's transgender, maybe not. I was pretty sure I was princess until I was 5 or 6. When I was 15, I dreamed of meeting Graham Russell of the band Air Supply on the beach in Australia, where he would fall hopelessly in love with me.

As for the parent's being confused...duh! Their 4year old is telling them she wants to be a boy, and they don't WANT her to be different; to be ridiculed and ostricized. They WANT her to be "normal" (our family motto is there is no normal). But, they are afraid that they may damage her forever if they deny her the this identity. Heck ya, I'd be confused!

I am extremely excepting of Gay and Lesbian people. Yet, when MY 15 yo daughter claims that she's "BI", I'm still nervous and worried. I know it will make her life harder. So I guess it's all fine and good until it's MY child?

Even now, I'm taking a wait-and-see approach, because she's also in no hurry to get into ANY relationship, fortunately. Right now, she claims to have a GF, but said GF lives 2000 miles away, and they can only talk via electronic means.

So...meanwhile, I try to keep my feelings out of it and support her, keeping the lines of communication open.