Sensitive Issue

[Unregistered]

I have a dcg 4 who is constantly playing with her private areas. I have to send her to the bathroom to wash her hands and redirect play several times a day. She wears sundresses a lot so I have asked mom to put a pair of shorts underneath. However, each time dcg potties she comes out naked and spreads her legs and gets busy. Its only a minute or so as I am supervising and try to catch her each time she starts out of the bathroom, but if I am helping another child with the potty she always manages a minute or so before I notice. Also if she is sitting to play, say building blocks or something, before you know it, hand is up her shorts. Yesterday I was reading a book to the kids and my son asked me what dcg was doing. I looked over and sure enough she was doing that on my couch. It really bothers me, but I was trying to handle it discreetly. I have mentioned it to mom several times. She says she tells her she can do it but she has to go to her own room and not do it front of anyone. She feels telling her not to do it will make her do it more. I was concerned before, but now that my 3 y.o. son is asking about what she's doing I am just really ready to find a solution. If they let her do that at home I guess that's their business, but I don't want her doing it here whether she's alone in the bathroom or not. Have you ever had a situation like this and how did you handle it? Thanks.

[debbiedoeszip]

I would just keep redirecting, getting her to wash her hands, telling her that touching privates is a private activity, etc. This is normal and a phase. Keep her busy! What activities engage her enough that she doesn't play with herself? Keep her doing those things until this passes.

[nannyde]

I would just keep redirecting, getting her to wash her hands, telling her that touching privates is a private activity, etc. This is normal and a phase. Keep her busy! What activities engage her enough that she doesn't play with herself? Keep her doing those things until this passes.

It's not normal.
It's ridiculous. Please don't think this is directed toward you.

I'm so over the "it's normal".

A four year old shouldn't need this kind of stimulation. She needs to be running cars, playing blocks, coloring. She doesn't need one second of her legs sprawled naked and stimulating herself.

Stop telling kids to do this in private. They hear the part that says you can do it, not the rest.

Tell her to KNOCK IT OFF now. Do NOT do it again in my house. If she has to go into backwards footed pajamas to block her urge then that's what needs to happen.

I have never once had a kid under five that masturbates. I don't allow escalation and they have zero reason to self stimulate in my home.

This won't pass. In fact, if she gets to do this at this young age she is going to take longer and longer to feel stimulated. She's not going to be happy with real life because NOTHING other than high end activities wall to wall and treat food is going to pleasure her like this does.

These parents need to do a serious investigation to make sure this kid hasn't been molested or filmed doing this. When she is SO bold to keep doing it when she has been told no then her urge is strong. If she is sneaking around doing it then something else is going on.

I swear we have normalized every fricken behavior these kids put out now. Now this too... open public masturbation of a four year old.

[Indoorvoice]

I have to respectfully disagree. It is well known that some children will start to explore themselves between 2 and 6. It makes us uncomfortable because we are looking at the behavior through adult eyes, but it is not necessarily sexual. She is discovering feelings. I would definitely talk to the parents and tell them that she is exploring herself in public and that they need to set the boundaries with her. Also, maybe she had some sort of infection going on that is making her feel weird. The parents need to address that. Let them know that you will tell her she is not allowed to do that at your house. I know several parents of little girls including my own ( who is most definitely not abused) have this issue. We have all had success saying "no not in public".

[Indoorvoice]

Sorry, I did re-read that you have talked to the parents. Perhaps she needs privileges taken away at home when she does it. Not for the act itself, but for disobeying the rule to not do that in public. I think at 4 she is old enough to understand.

[NightOwl]

Dr first to rule out an infection, especially a yeast infection. Yes, kids get them very young. If there's nothing physically wrong with her, then NO, this is not normal. It's normal to occasionally touch themselves there, to explore and discover what's down there, but many times a day for days or weeks on end, NO. Something is going on here that shouldn't be. Someone has abused her, coached her, or something similar. Totally agreeing with nannyde here.

[MarinaVanessa]

I say that it's "typical" behavior for some children this age because of what Debbie said I however don't consider it "normal" anymore. I see it like biting, hitting, pushing and tantrums. Sure it's typical behavior for children this age however it is still not appropriate for daycare.

DCM allowing it at home will not make things easier on you but I would handle this the same as if it were a child that was biting. I would wash the child's hands after catching her doing it (every single time, and I WOULD DO IT for her so that this does not become fun play-with-water time but rather a chore) and direct the child to another activity. I would shadow this child at all times and this child would have no chance to play by herself at all. She would need to be within arms reach at all times. She is not allowed to wear skirts or dresses anymore. She would be required to wear pants or longer shorts, and not thin stretchy ones that she would be able to fondle herself over her clothes with. I would even consider putting her in something like a diaper so that she could not stimulate herself. She would not be allowed to be in the bathroom alone.

I would set a realistic limit of how many times I could catch her doing it and set hard limits for things that are absolutely not appropriate (such as undressing and fondling herself openly where the other children see her lady parts) before I would call home and have her picked up. I would write up a
plan of action with my expectations and an explanation about why this is not appropriate in group care (how are the other parents feeling about this child openly touching herself so frequently? How do they feel about the possibility of their child imitating this behavior? How do they feel about the possibility of their child thinking that it's ok to do this to another child?). I would require a physical check up to eliminate the possibility of an infection. I would include all of the new guidelines from above and set a realistic deadline to see improvement and have DCM sign it agreeing to pick DCG up if she did it X amount of times in a day or crossed a hard limit with the possibility of termination if there is no improvement at the end of the deadline. I would call licensing and report this behavior and start keeping a log of each time she even attempted to stimulate herself and include any and all conversation that I'd have with DCM about what her stance is on the behavior. At the end of the "probationary period" I would discuss progress and if necessary extend the plan of action if there are improvements or terminate if there are none or if the behavior worsens.

Just like biting, hitting, spitting, kicking, tantrums and other aggressive behavior ... yes it's typical but you wouldn't allow it in your daycare, you would try to change it and guide the child to a better way to handle their behavior. I see this as no different.

You'll be in a whole heap of trouble if another child goes home and tells mom and dad what DCG is doing and they get upset that you are, in essence "allowing" this behavior to continue. Licensing (if you are licenced/registered) and CPS can get involved. Things are much different when you are a provider than when you are a parent. Parents get some leeway with parenting ... providers not so much. Just some food for thought.

It mightbe "typical" behavior however "typical" doesn't mean "appropriate" for daycare.

[SilverSabre25]

I was going to suggest a doctor's visit too, to rule out yeast infection or UTi or something.

[Michelle]

I have 8 month olds that grab themselves the second their diaper comes off!
I think it's natural curiosity and should not be done in daycare but not shamed either

[SilverSabre25]

Also my phrasing for redirecting that stuff has become "not at daycare".

[Meyou]

I have good success with, "Stop. That is not for daycare." This doesn't interfere with the parents rules at home but it ends the behavior quickly. It's no different here from standing on a chair, running in the house, leaving the yard etc. You just don't do it here.

[MarinaVanessa]

I think it's natural curiosity and should not be done in daycare but not shamed either

Definitely no shaming! A simple "We have germs there Suzie and germs are not for sharing. Let's go wash your hands" with a smile and light voice is sufficient.

When young DCK's put stuff in their mouths I just say "Out of your mouth Suzie" and that works so even a "Move your hands please Suzie" would work if done over the clothes and then move on. I'd also make sure to remove any items for cleaning just like you would if they were mouthed toys "These toys have germs now so I need to clean them before we can play with them" and redirect to something else.

I think mom's acceptance of it at home might be encouraging it because she is allowing it (if it isnt an infection). It's easier for mom to redirect her to her room to do it in private but at daycare you can't provide that luxury KWIM? And she's not understanding that she shouldn't be doing this at daycare.

[Play Care]

I have good success with, "Stop. That is not for daycare." This doesn't interfere with the parents rules at home but it ends the behavior quickly. It's no different here from standing on a chair, running in the house, leaving the yard etc. You just don't do it here.

[Unregistered]

It's not an infection b/c I sent her home/ to the dr. a couple weeks ago thinking it was a uti. She kept saying it burned when she peed and the dr said its definitely not an infection. Most likely she has irritated it b/c of touching so much. I understand it is "typical" to have a phase like this, but it is definitely not appropriate. This happened occasionally for about a year, but it only turned into an all the time thing a few weeks ago. I like the idea of saying, "not at daycare," but its so frustrating to have to redirect and wash her hands multiple times every day. We may have to come up with a behavior plan if this continues like one of you mentioned. Its definitely not ok for the other kids to be exposed to this behavior.

[coolconfidentme]

This child could be the victim of abuse like Wednesday said. I use the be a police officer & worked in child abuse/neglect division. Victims of abuse may touch themselves where others have touched them. Sad but true.