Sensitive Issue

[KiddieCahoots]

Ok, so here is what I have done so far. I talked with mom. Mom has agreed that although she allows it at home she understands that I cannot allow it at daycare. Period. No exceptions. Mom has agreed to send dcg in restrictive clothing. Before she was being sent in sundresses every day. Dcg struggles with undoing normal clothes which is probably why they were doing sundresses, but I believe what she is sending her in will keep her out of that area for now. If it does not, I will absolutely put one piece thermal underwear under her clothes. I explained to dcg that this behavior is not acceptable at daycare and if it happens again she will be moved to a timeout spot and mom will be called to come and pick her up. For the time being, she is my shadow. Myself or an assistant will have line of sight with her at all times. Mom talked with her at home which must have helped because she has not tried it a single time today and I've been hyper aware. I am contacting my licensing rep to find out at what point they consider this needing to be reported. I also contacted the therapist who worked with her for 2 years before services were declined since she knows this child's exact sensory issues. I have written permission t discuss the child with the therapist. I'm hoping that would cover this. She explained that when a child who is this highly sensory seeking is not being offered therapy it makes perfect sense to her that the child would escalate things to seek more pleasure. Especially because of the added stress a divorce would cause in a 4 y.o.'s world. She worked closely with the family for 2 years and agrees with me that she doesn't believe this is an abuse issue, but a sensory issue that parents have allowed to get out of hand. She also gave me a list of indicators to look for that would typically go along with this if it was abuse. Mom has been looking into preschools to start dcg this fall and I believe she will have another eval when that takes place. Mom was convinced these issues would get better on their own if we gave dcg time. She felt too much therapy wasn't allowing her to be a normal kid, so I'm really hoping that with this next eval mom will see there are more issues than before. I will push strongly for services again at that time. Nannyde, if this situation doesn't improve immediately I will pm you for help in creating a written plan. Since mom has agreed to work with me, I will give it a few days to see how things are going, but if it continues I will have to report and term.

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Sounds like an awesome plan! They are very lucky to have you as their provider!!!

[nannyde]

Op

The very very very very first thing I would put my foot down about is that she is allowed to do it in private at home. That needs to STOP imho. I would tell the mom that you are concerned that she is blessed to do it at all AND mom needs to be.on board with blocking clothes at home too.

If she is allowed to do this at will at home Monday is going to be THE day she will not be ableto resist.

All with input with therapist of course but I would press hard for a zero tolerance policy.

I have some concrete ideas of how the adults should present to her... with words and non verbal. I think a lot can be accomplished with the right tone and body language and all adults need to present the same way. If we do talk I think I can explain with my voice.

The idea is to be exact with her with a firm steady voice and then poof... switch to real life happenings. Proceed with caution. I think what you do after addressing her on this is just as important as what you do when you address it.

[Unregistered]

OP said it all along.

It sounds like this child is NOT getting the services she needs.

That IS reportable IMHO.

I was working closely with this family during the time services were being received. They declined them a little less than a year ago. I had permission to discuss the child with each of the therapists and evaluators. If I understood the evaluator correctly, because there is not a major medical diagnosis, the parents have the right to decline services if they so choose. She was appalled that they would make that choice, but she said it was theirs to make at least until the child enters school. At that point she said the school system will most likely take over and force services. The whole thing makes me angry, but I don't know what else to do. If I report they will pull her. There is no doubt in my mind. At least here I know her history and can push for services when I can. Also, I have stayed in contact with one of the therapists and she suggests activities that may help this child that I can implement during the day. I am not able to offer her nearly what she needs, but I definitely believe she is getting more help than she would be elsewhere with someone who doesn't know her situation.

[Blackcat31]

I was working closely with this family during the time services were being received. They declined them a little less than a year ago. I had permission to discuss the child with each of the therapists and evaluators. If I understood the evaluator correctly, because there is not a major medical diagnosis, the parents have the right to decline services if they so choose. She was appalled that they would make that choice, but she said it was theirs to make at least until the child enters school. At that point she said the school system will most likely take over and force services. The whole thing makes me angry, but I don't know what else to do. If I report they will pull her. There is no doubt in my mind. At least here I know her history and can push for services when I can. Also, I have stayed in contact with one of the therapists and she suggests activities that may help this child that I can implement during the day. I am not able to offer her nearly what she needs, but I definitely believe she is getting more help than she would be elsewhere with someone who doesn't know her situation.

Sounds to me like that you are doing everything YOU can do.

The rest is up to mom/family.

You handled this very well.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

If this child truly has sensory issues and has been diagnosed as needing special services and the parents are not getting those services for her THAT is reason enough to call CPS as that IS a form of neglect.

The whole thing took a different turn for me once I saw this. Now, it's not just an inappropriate public behavior. Now it's a coping mechanism that needs to be addressed. Not getting her help is so completely unfair to her. If she doesn't outgrow this particular behavior, she will most likely have a whole lot of other issues.

First, she'll get termed by OP because OP will have no choice. Then, she'll continue the behavior at other dc's until she goes to school, and probably be termed very quickly. Other dcp's don't have the history and connection with this child. They'll just do and send her on her way.

If she's still doing it when she gets to kindy, it's going to get real bad for her and all of the sudden, the whole world will be swooping down on mom.

She needs to be stopped. Like Nan says, it needs to STOP. Under other circumstances "go do that in private" might be appropriate, but it seems like it's beyond that. She also needs be taught some different coping strategies. We are not therapists, and I resent that now we are supposed to fill that role, too.

If it were me, OP, I'd do some sort of physical block (pants, onesies, Nan's PJ thing..whatever you're comfortable with), and I would tell mom "You need to get her help NOW, or I will have no choice but to term. I don't want to do that, but I will have no choice". If she walks, absolutely call CPS. In the meantime, document and talk to your licenser. This could blow up in your face so badly!

Good advice. I like it.

[NightOwl]

I'm wondering how it's going with this dcg?? Any updates, OP?

[Unregistered]

It's actually going well. I think I was firm enough that both dcm and dcg knew I meant business. It can't happen again. Period. Dcg has been coming in appropriate clothing and we haven't had another incident so far. I am watching VERY carefully just to be safe. I was worried about how it would go after she had been home all weekend, but so far so good.

[NightOwl]

Fantastic!! I'm so glad for you and her! Dcg and her family are really lucky to have someone so understanding and willing to work with them.

[Unregistered]

I'm not going to make a child that age wear pjs all day when other kids her age are wearing regular clothes. Especially making them wear the pjs backwards. I'm not going to make the child feel self-conscious all day and ashamed by the behaviour that led to his/her needing to wear different clothes than the others. Period. Masturbation is not a harmful behaviour in and of itself. If you are really that concerned about a child's behaviour messing with your business, then by all means term.

And I'm not going to get all DEAD SERIOUS about something that isn't harmful or dangerous. I'm going to be extremely persistent in stopping the behaviour and I'll work super hard at keeping the child's hands otherwise occupied, but I'm not going to treat the child like they've committed a crime against humanity.

And why would I be discussing a daycare child with a non-parent? If another parent brings it up, I'll downplay it, say we're working on it, and then change the subject. Seriously, what's going on with "not their child" is none of their business.

I disagree, if what's going on with that child at daycare is affecting their child then any parent has a right to know. If their child comes home stripping down and giving it a go and have never done so before (because they saw DCG do it) that could cause a BIG problem.... such as the parents thinking their child may have been abused or subject to this behavior in some way while in your care. Just a thought....

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I disagree, if what's going on with that child at daycare is affecting their child then any parent has a right to know. If their child comes home stripping down and giving it a go and have never done so before (because they saw DCG do it) that could cause a BIG problem.... such as the parents thinking their child may have been abused or subject to this behavior in some way while in your care. Just a thought....

I 100% agree.

[Blackcat31]

I disagree, if what's going on with that child at daycare is affecting their child then any parent has a right to know. If their child comes home stripping down and giving it a go and have never done so before (because they saw DCG do it) that could cause a BIG problem.... such as the parents thinking their child may have been abused or subject to this behavior in some way while in your care. Just a thought....

You are quoting a post from over 2.5 years ago.

[Unregistered]

Wow

Honestly, I think that this is a sign of sexual abuse. I could be wrong of course, but it is not normal for little girls to strip naked and come out masturbating in front of others. It is a normal childhood behavior sometimes, but this is where it crosses the line. This is not sanitary or even remotely okay. This mom seems like she needs to step it up too. Seems like a knee jerk response.