When You Don't Tell The DCP But The Child Does

[sharlan]

I don't tell the parents every little thing that happens. I generally won't tell unless it's hitting, kicking, or biting. If the behavior becomes repetitive and won't stop, then of course, I discuss it with the parents so we can solve it together.

[Unregistered]

kiddo told because he was looking for backup and trying to understand

Mom should have known at the end of the day so she could reinforce good table manners.

The line is - a separation or time out - moving a kid out the normal routine or zone - tell mom (make a daily report sheet). Child A had a hard time today sitting at the table and listening, and was moved today during lunch to his own spot. We'll try again tomorrow at the regular table.

I get this note with my child at pick up - I know whats going on, I can answer questions from him and reinforce good manners AND I know the staff is addressing the situation appropriately!

Some moms don't care what goes on, if you don't want to report (or have a policy that clear it up for you) look for the moms who don't care. Its easy to spot in an interview.

I'd rather have moms and kids who care.

[JaydensMommy]

I think if you had to separate the child from the other children then it's a problem that should have been discussed with the parents.

[Unregistered]

too much

I find that parents get annoyed if you "snitch" on their kid too much and I think that often times, daycare providers look like they can't handle things when they tell every little mishap.

As a parent that has had children in daycare, I want you, as a provider to handle normal child behaviors (even the not so nice ones). Please tell me if it was something really out of character, if it is something that you feel I need to help with on my end, if you feel as though my child is disrupting the group repeatedly or she is being dangerous or unsafe. But normal day to day, normal, childhood misbehaviors.. I expect my provider to handle without needing to tell me every detail.

Now, as a daycare provider I will simply mention at pick=up "we had a rough day today" or "we had a little trouble keeping our hands to ourself today" Moms generally want to know the overall gist of the day. Yesterday I gave a "he had a great day today, one or two incidents but with redirection he was fine" etc...
I've only contacted a parent ONCE during the daycare day regarding behavior. I actually had her come and pick-up and termed her child.

I can't imagine, especially with my 18 month olds giving parents the full blown run down at the end of the day.
*he said "no" to me 4 times
*he stuck his tongue out at lizzy 5 times
*he knocked over matt's block tower
*he sat on Ella chair when Ella asked him not to
*He bent a page in one of my books
*he used the toy hammer and banged on my window
*he said "stupid"
*he knocked Carly over and wouldn't say sorry
*he threw his food on the floor so I took him down from the lunch table.
*he drank from his sippy cup and then spit it all over his shirt so I took his cup away

..
Am I the only one who has days that look like this? LOL

[mrsp'slilpeeps]

Thats a hard one. When I brought up a problem to a DCM about her son, (my first post) she called me and my daughter a liar and I had to let her go.

I guess out of fear of losing kids(insert backbone here) I would wait until the DCP brought up something Jonny mentioned about the other day.

[nannyde]

I find that parents get annoyed if you "snitch" on their kid too much and I think that often times, daycare providers look like they can't handle things when they tell every little mishap.

As a parent that has had children in daycare, I want you, as a provider to handle normal child behaviors (even the not so nice ones). Please tell me if it was something really out of character, if it is something that you feel I need to help with on my end, if you feel as though my child is disrupting the group repeatedly or she is being dangerous or unsafe. But normal day to day, normal, childhood misbehaviors.. I expect my provider to handle without needing to tell me every detail.

Now, as a daycare provider I will simply mention at pick=up "we had a rough day today" or "we had a little trouble keeping our hands to ourself today" Moms generally want to know the overall gist of the day. Yesterday I gave a "he had a great day today, one or two incidents but with redirection he was fine" etc...
I've only contacted a parent ONCE during the daycare day regarding behavior. I actually had her come and pick-up and termed her child.

I can't imagine, especially with my 18 month olds giving parents the full blown run down at the end of the day.
*he said "no" to me 4 times
*he stuck his tongue out at lizzy 5 times
*he knocked over matt's block tower
*he sat on Ella chair when Ella asked him not to
*He bent a page in one of my books
*he used the toy hammer and banged on my window
*he said "stupid"
*he knocked Carly over and wouldn't say sorry
*he threw his food on the floor so I took him down from the lunch table.
*he drank from his sippy cup and then spit it all over his shirt so I took his cup away

..
Am I the only one who has days that look like this? LOL

I actually WOULD tell a parent about these incidences but most of them wouldn't be from an eighteen month old. Sticking a tounge out five times at a kid.... saying stupid... able to say sorry to carly but wouldn't... That's not eighteen month behavior.

So if I had an eighteen month that COULD do those things I would let the parent know he's gifted.

If the child was three/four and did these things then YES I would tell the parent. At any age I would tell them if the kid told me no five times. That would be the first five times I've heard no from a child this calander year so yes I would bring that up.

My kids do NOT tell me NO. They try it when they first start being able to say NO and I put the kabosh on it right then and there. They learn that this is a high crime here.... really young.

I don't have kids hitting each other.

I don't require "saying sorry". They are too young to understand saying sorry. It's a get out of jail free card and overused.

I don't allow them to knock over each others stuff. I don't allow them knock over their own stuff. Take it down... don't knock it down.

I have cloth books out so we don't have book bending.

I do not allow them anywhere near a window. They couldn't hammer my window.

So most of your examples wouldn't exist in my world. Makes for an easier day now doesn't it?

Tell parents the TRUTH. My parents know I love the kids and when I tell them something is wrong they BELIEVE that I know what I'm talking about. They know it comes from a place of love for the kid and respect for them. They don't want me to be unhappy and they don't want their kid misbehaving in public. It's an embarrassment to them. They don't allow their kid to act up in public and they don't want them acting up here.

When EVERYWHERE the kid goes the kid has to mind the adults... you have very little acting out. Sure they TRY stuff out but they don't keep it up.

[PitterPatter]

I actually WOULD tell a parent about these incidences but most of them wouldn't be from an eighteen month old. Sticking a tounge out five times at a kid.... saying stupid... able to say sorry to carly but wouldn't... That's not eighteen month behavior.

So if I had an eighteen month that COULD do those things I would let the parent know he's gifted.

If the child was three/four and did these things then YES I would tell the parent. At any age I would tell them if the kid told me no five times. That would be the first five times I've heard no from a child this calander year so yes I would bring that up.

My kids do NOT tell me NO. They try it when they first start being able to say NO and I put the kabosh on it right then and there. They learn that this is a high crime here.... really young.

I don't have kids hitting each other.

I don't require "saying sorry". They are too young to understand saying sorry. It's a get out of jail free card and overused.

I don't allow them to knock over each others stuff. I don't allow them knock over their own stuff. Take it down... don't knock it down.

I have cloth books out so we don't have book bending.

I do not allow them anywhere near a window. They couldn't hammer my window.

So most of your examples wouldn't exist in my world. Makes for an easier day now doesn't it?

Tell parents the TRUTH. My parents know I love the kids and when I tell them something is wrong they BELIEVE that I know what I'm talking about. They know it comes from a place of love for the kid and respect for them. They don't want me to be unhappy and they don't want their kid misbehaving in public. It's an embarrassment to them. They don't allow their kid to act up in public and they don't want them acting up here.

When EVERYWHERE the kid goes the kid has to mind the adults... you have very little acting out. Sure they TRY stuff out but they don't keep it up.

What do u do to correct/stop this? I have had a huge problem in the past with actual screams of no and a pointed fnger in my face when saying it. That child is gone now but I still have others who use it just not nearly as bad or often. I would like to totally correct it tho. Tried removing from play, time outs, skipping craft time, even standing 1 in a corner as 1 parent told me I am to do... lots of stuff and it doesn't seem to sink in. It's not every day but I would like it to stop all together. I have the "no" from a 2 yr old, a 4 yr old and a new 8 yr old. It's not tolerated, it's never overlooked so what am I doing wrong?

[nannyde]

What do u do to correct/stop this? I have had a huge problem in the past with actual screams of no and a pointed fnger in my face when saying it. That child is gone now but I still have others who use it just not nearly as bad or often. I would like to totally correct it tho. Tried removing from play, time outs, skipping craft time, even standing 1 in a corner as 1 parent told me I am to do... lots of stuff and it doesn't seem to sink in. It's not every day but I would like it to stop all together. I have the "no" from a 2 yr old, a 4 yr old and a new 8 yr old. It's not tolerated, it's never overlooked so what am I doing wrong?

I get the kids from newborn or young infant on. So when they say "no" ... usually around fifteen to twenty months... I give them the then the
then a deep quicklly said STERN "do NOT tell me no". Then I turn them AWAY from me... have them walk (escorted by me) to the furthest point of the room away from me that has toys. Have them SIT down at that toy or toy bin. And then quickly turn my back and walk away. When they automatically turn their head they see my BACK as I'm walking away.

I shun that behavior. They rarely ever hear my stern voice so when they DO and it's for THEM they don't like it. They want the happy... smilley, teasing, fun Nan. Not the Nan.

Works like a charm.

[NiNi.R.]

My Ratting Out The Kids Policy:

If your child has any behavior issues here you will be the first to know. We keep the parents informed of any behaviors that are requiring repeated corrections. (In other words... we rat them out ) Please keep us posted of any behavior issues you are having at home ESPECIALLY any kind of physical or violent acting out. We will be happy to help with advise or work on the issues here.

So I tell the parents when their kid is a newborn that I will tell them if they misbehave.

I expect the kids to mind me. I have a pretty tight correction method that stops behavior at the "root" of the behavior. I get it stopped before it gets into something serious.

I use time out about once every 18 months to two years. I have kids in my house that are four/five and have never been on time out. I don't have any kids who have had to be on time out twice.

Nan don't play. I'm strict and I tell the parents if I'm having any problems with them. If I call them about behavior they KNOW I'm not playin. They know me well enough to know that if the kid skids past my root correction and is doing something that is BREAKING THE LAW... that they will be told the truth.

If anything happens that requires a kid over two to be separated from the other kids I would tell the parents. In order for my system to work they have to be with the other kids. A separation is serious.

Of course I'm not telling them every time they do something like touch the baby equipment... try to get up from the table before they are allowed to... cutting in line... or something like that. If they do a minor infraction we just correct and move on. If they continue to do it after we know they know what we want then YES I tell the parents.

The kids have to learn what you want first. I don't rat them out for the "pre-behavior" stuff. I just rat them out if their behavior gets to a full behavior that is against my rules.

A kid not minding me would not fly here. It's dangerous and it's bad for the other kids and my staff assistant. They have to mind the adult. That's a given in my world.

I completely agree! This is something I've always practiced in my own daycare and when I worked for another daycare. I as a mother would want to know daily overall how my child was behaving in another's care. I thoroughly believe that to be successful parents and providers must work together to stop unruly behaviors much like parents must work together to co parent.

[MarinaVanessa]

Thats a hard one. When I brought up a problem to a DCM about her son, (my first post) she called me and my daughter a liar and I had to let her go.

I go on a case by case basis. I have had families that do the eye rolling, the "what is it NOW", "not MY little angel", and the ones that blame their child's behavior on daycare. I have one in my daycare now actually. With these clients I don't discuss the little things. I only discuss pushing, spitting, hitting, biting, hair pulling, other distructive behaviors etc. Anything that is out of the child's normal behavior, unsafe or disrespectful. With these clients I begin by telling them everything and once they start with the "I don't want to hear it" behavior I already know that there is no point in doing it any longer. What's the point? If I can correct the behavior in my home myself without involving the parent any longer then I correct the bahavior and keep my mouth shut to the parent. What the child does in their home is none of my concern and not under my control ... but I can control what happens at my house.

If they rip pages in my books I will teach them the propper way to turn the pages, if they write on my wall/table/chair etc. with the crayons I will teach them to keep it on the paper, if they talk or scream too loud in my house I will teach them to use their inside voices. I guess for me I find it easier to fight one battle (the child) VS two battles (child and parent) at the same time.

For the rest of the families that do not become deffensive and appreciate that I tell them when their child does not behave I tell them everything. These parents understand that they need to know what their child does in DC so that they can address the issues at home if they need to. A child will correct negative behavior sooner if everyone is on the same front. These parents understand that communication is important. Unfortunately in my personal experiences it is not the children of these families that struggle behaviorally.

I have been successfull with correcting children in either case (with or without parent involvement and communication) but like I said, I notice that without the parent on board it just takes a little longer. I have also noticed that when I've visited my families homes the children of the parent's that "don't want to hear it" behave like little Grimlins ::. IDK, just my observation.

[PitterPatter]

I get the kids from newborn or young infant on. So when they say "no" ... usually around fifteen to twenty months... I give them the then the
then a deep quicklly said STERN "do NOT tell me no". Then I turn them AWAY from me... have them walk (escorted by me) to the furthest point of the room away from me that has toys. Have them SIT down at that toy or toy bin. And then quickly turn my back and walk away. When they automatically turn their head they see my BACK as I'm walking away.

I shun that behavior. They rarely ever hear my stern voice so when they DO and it's for THEM they don't like it. They want the happy... smilley, teasing, fun Nan. Not the Nan.

Works like a charm.

Ah so a young age is also an aide!! The youngest I have ever gotten a child was 15 months I think. Usually 20 months or 2 yrs when they come to me. Already 'trained' so I guess I have to untrain them and retrain them huh?

[Cat Herder]

Ah so a young age is also an aide!! The youngest I have ever gotten a child was 15 months I think. Usually 20 months or 2 yrs when they come to me. Already 'trained' so I guess I have to untrain them and retrain them huh?

"Raising them up yourself" makes ALL the difference in the world.

I choose not to take kids from other childcare situations anymore (barring medical/special need, those are ALWAYS welcomed).

I already paid my dues by doing years of "re-training" of kids/parents that flopped in their old situations.

Now I get to enjoy having them from birth, on. It takes a while to build up a reputation to be able to do this, I admit.

I have had to stay put in the same neighborhood for a very long time (every move costs you more time and reputation). I have also not been able to have "a bad day" during pick-up times. Afternoon caffeine is your friend.

It is well worth the effort, though.

[Blackcat31]

"Raising them up yourself" makes ALL the difference in the world.

Oh my how I wish that was a lesson I had learned sooner than later. LOL!! It really does make ALL the difference. You can't say it any clearer.

[daycare]

After reading all the post and seeing the everyone has such a wide range of responses, I am going to stick to my guns on not getting the parents so involved over minor issues.

There are some parents that I can share everything and anything with about thier child and they don't take it to heart. They understand how I do things here and know that I have it down. They know that when i tell them something it's serious otherwise I don't have much to say.

Then there are some parents that flip out if I tell them one negative thing about their child. Even the most minor things.

A lot of how I inform the parents about their child I think really comes down to the parent themself and how I know they will react.

As someone else stated, parents feel like we are complaining or don't know how to do our jobs if we have to tell them every time their child does soemthing wrong. I feel I have a good delievery majority of the time when I do have to tell a parent about a negative situation.

Here, kids will be kids and they all have their good and bad days just like you and I.

[nannyde]

After reading all the post and seeing the everyone has such a wide range of responses, I am going to stick to my guns on not getting the parents so involved over minor issues.

There are some parents that I can share everything and anything with about thier child and they don't take it to heart. They understand how I do things here and know that I have it down. They know that when i tell them something it's serious otherwise I don't have much to say.

Then there are some parents that flip out if I tell them one negative thing about their child. Even the most minor things.

A lot of how I inform the parents about their child I think really comes down to the parent themself and how I know they will react.

As someone else stated, parents feel like we are complaining or don't know how to do our jobs if we have to tell them every time their child does soemthing wrong. I feel I have a good delievery majority of the time when I do have to tell a parent about a negative situation.

Here, kids will be kids and they all have their good and bad days just like you and I.

The responses are going to be varied because you went from this:

BTW the reason the child had to sit at a different table was becuase he was kicking the other kids legs under the table during eating time and would not stop when asked. and this: I told her that he was having table issues and that he needed to be seperated not only becasue he was kicking the children, but he was also not listening to me when I asked him to stop doing it.


To this:

He was not kicking them hurting them, he was just doing the swing your legs to kick the chairs they were sitting in and at times would make contact with the child's legs.

So there were two issues: one kicking instead of just swinging his legs... and two... him not stopping it regardless of his intent after being told what you wanted.

And this: Then there are some parents that flip out if I tell them one negative thing about their child. Even the most minor things.

This means you have a very badly behaving parent. You have a parent that needs to be straghtened out and be RESPECTFUL of your needed communication. Parents don't have the RIGHT to flip out over a true account of their child's behavior. They don't get to behave like little children or spoiled brats because they can pay for child care or access free funding for child care.

They HAVE to behave as adults with respectful interpersonal communication. If you allow otherwise you will be very unhappy and have CONSTANT day to day issues with parents and kids.