Parents That Want Nothing to Do with Parenting

[Unregistered]

I used to worry about this a lot as well. I have one client who is also a good friend and she used to "brag" about how she was getting her hair done or watching a movie or whatever - all while her daughter was here, having some sort of attention-seeking meltdown. It used to make me so mad. Then, one day, I read one of these posts about it being silly to be mad that they are using the services they are paying you for, and I just made a decision to forget about it. And now, four years into having this child in my care, I could care less. Her mom is still my friend, but I don't care anymore what she does while her kid is here. As long as she keeps paying me!

I also remember before I started day care, when I was a mom working outside of my house - I often went to the grocery store before picking up my kiddos from day care. So that when I picked them up I could enjoy my time with them and not stress over the difficulty of an infant and a toddler in the grocery store with me! Some errands are just easier without kiddos. That's why they pay us to watch their kids!
Just my 2 cents

[Ariana]

Yes.

That is what the statistics show.

Check out the link.

Yes I read the link and still cannot believe it That seems crazy! I would say I parent for 12-13 hours a day.

Thanks for sharing because I assumed parents didn’t parent much but this proves it.

[Cat Herder]

Yes I read the link and still cannot believe it That seems crazy! I would say I parent for 12-13 hours a day.

Thanks for sharing because I assumed parents didn’t parent much but this proves it.

I was shocked when I first read it, too. I suspected it was decreasing gradually over time, but the rate of decrease was surprising. There are older studies for comparison, too, on that site.

The reasons I gave in my first post were what was discussed in the class I took presenting this topic on cultural and social changes that have allowed this dramatic change over time.

It is a fascinating topic.

[Ariana]

I was shocked when I first read it, too. I suspected it was decreasing gradually over time, but the rate of decrease was surprising. There are older studies for comparison, too, on that site.

The reasons I gave in my first post were what was discussed in the class I took presenting this topic on cultural and social changes that have allowed this dramatic change over time.

It is a fascinating topic.

I am quite shocked by this to be honest! I just read it out to my DH and he is equally stunned but then told me his coworker routinely sends her child to grandmas for the full weekend and he is in summer camp during the week. She spends very little time with him and it seems like grandparents are raising the next generation of kids.

It is odd that when we talk about problems in society this aspect is never mentioned. No one ever mentions the repercusions of low parental interaction on childrens development. I truly believe that most of our societal problems stem from lack of parenting.

[jenboo]

I will never understand why child care providers (in general) are so judgmental towards clients that use their services.

Isn't that the point of having a business?
...clients that provide an income?

Oh I'm totally judgemental. I'll totally admit it. Definitely not my best trait It's one reason why I needed to close my daycare. I could care less what people do with their kids (as long as they aren't neglected) but when I have to interact with the parents 5 days a week and be with their kids 50hrs a week, I just couldn't handle the parenting differences. I was becoming such a bitter person I fixed it by closing and doing something else. I'm so much happier now ::

[Josiegirl]

I am quite shocked by this to be honest! I just read it out to my DH and he is equally stunned but then told me his coworker routinely sends her child to grandmas for the full weekend and he is in summer camp during the week. She spends very little time with him and it seems like grandparents are raising the next generation of kids.

It is odd that when we talk about problems in society this aspect is never mentioned. No one ever mentions the repercusions of low parental interaction on childrens development. I truly believe that most of our societal problems stem from lack of parenting.

And this really bothers me. Kids, on the whole, are going to reflect the care they've received and the environment they spend so much time in. If a child always feels left out, unloved, insecure, not to mention abused and neglected, it's unlikely that child will flourish and blossom into a healthy individual.

Oh I'm totally judgemental. I'll totally admit it. Definitely not my best trait It's one reason why I needed to close my daycare. I could care less what people do with their kids (as long as they aren't neglected) but when I have to interact with the parents 5 days a week and be with their kids 50hrs a week, I just couldn't handle the parenting differences. I was becoming such a bitter person I fixed it by closing and doing something else. I'm so much happier now ::

Such honesty!! I love it. I try not to judge and am lucky to have a pretty good group of dcps at the moment. Sure, got a couple issues here and there with a touch of narcissistic craziness thrown in just for excitement but they all seem to want to spend time with their child/ren. I have no problem(anymore) with parents who want or need time to themselves but when you read stories on here....Stories about parents who take a week vacation with 1 child but send the other to grandma's. Not sure if I've ever thought any specific person shouldn't be a parent but I know I've come across a couple that should've taken a course 'How to let go of your cellphone and make your child more important 101'.

[amberrose3dg]

And this really bothers me. Kids, on the whole, are going to reflect the care they've received and the environment they spend so much time in. If a child always feels left out, unloved, insecure, not to mention abused and neglected, it's unlikely that child will flourish and blossom into a healthy individual.



Such honesty!! I love it. I try not to judge and am lucky to have a pretty good group of dcps at the moment. Sure, got a couple issues here and there with a touch of narcissistic craziness thrown in just for excitement but they all seem to want to spend time with their child/ren. I have no problem(anymore) with parents who want or need time to themselves but when you read stories on here....Stories about parents who take a week vacation with 1 child but send the other to grandma's. Not sure if I've ever thought any specific person shouldn't be a parent but I know I've come across a couple that should've taken a course 'How to let go of your cellphone and make your child more important 101'.

All of this.
If parents that do get frequent breaks do not want to spend that extra time that is on them.i think as providers at least for me I see a behavior difference in the ones that parents spend that extra time with their children versus the ones that drop their children off from open to close and send them to grandma on the weekends? I know myself I think children do miss valuable time.its gotten to the point I've offered those families option to save money by only sending their children those 3 days a week. No one has taken me up on it either.

[Unregistered]

I think we all do.

There is a societal concept of "getting their moneys worth" (and paying the least possible) and a current social acceptance of leaving kids in daycare 50 hours a week, or more. Even the parents who don't work and the ones who receive subsidy to cover the costs for them.

The QRIS advertising even makes new parents feel like their child will be behind if they don't .

When you add that to the newish idea that you can't be a "good" parent unless you have "plenty of me time", most parents really only do bedtime and occasional weekends anymore (over 50% in every other weekend custody and grandparent weekend care situations).

We really have to expect that kids will attend every minute we are open and adjust our schedules to that.

It is interesting reading through these posts... just responding to your comment on getting their money’s worth: I run a home program and I know not everyone can do this but I have intentionally decided I don’t want parents to do that so I charge a set rate based on their hours and give them some vacation time (if they give me notice) that I don’t charge them for. I also make it clear to families that I think kids need parent time. Since they are not being charged for time not here (within reason and based on agreed schedule) they don’t use as many hours as they might otherwise.I have worked with families in the past where dcf was involved and they really were better off in care, but that is not the case with any of my families now. I find a lot of families look to us to help them form these ideas about what they ‘should’ be doing because they see us as the experts! At least around here...

[Rockgirl]

It is interesting reading through these posts... just responding to your comment on getting their money’s worth: I run a home program and I know not everyone can do this but I have intentionally decided I don’t want parents to do that so I charge a set rate based on their hours and give them some vacation time (if they give me notice) that I don’t charge them for. I also make it clear to families that I think kids need parent time. Since they are not being charged for time not here (within reason and based on agreed schedule) they don’t use as many hours as they might otherwise.I have worked with families in the past where dcf was involved and they really were better off in care, but that is not the case with any of my families now. I find a lot of families look to us to help them form these ideas about what they ‘should’ be doing because they see us as the experts! At least around here...

This is a great idea! And you’re likely to attract the type of client who wants to spend time with their children.

[amberrose3dg]

It is interesting reading through these posts... just responding to your comment on getting their money’s worth: I run a home program and I know not everyone can do this but I have intentionally decided I don’t want parents to do that so I charge a set rate based on their hours and give them some vacation time (if they give me notice) that I don’t charge them for. I also make it clear to families that I think kids need parent time. Since they are not being charged for time not here (within reason and based on agreed schedule) they don’t use as many hours as they might otherwise.I have worked with families in the past where dcf was involved and they really were better off in care, but that is not the case with any of my families now. I find a lot of families look to us to help them form these ideas about what they ‘should’ be doing because they see us as the experts! At least around here...

I also think that is awesome.I know it is a hard balance for families. I think saving money on daycare would be an incentive to keep their children home a little more.

[Cat Herder]

It is odd that when we talk about problems in society this aspect is never mentioned. No one ever mentions the repercusions of low parental interaction on childrens development. I truly believe that most of our societal problems stem from lack of parenting.

I think it is because many people have difficulty applying logic instead of emotion when it comes to issues pertaining to kids. If it is true and applies to us, then it stings. Insult, anger, projection, avoidance, denial and blame shifting become the focus and the topic gets lost.

It is a tough topic to take on when most are simply trying to meet basic needs, stay married and not mess their kids up. There has to be a middle ground somewhere and many can't see what that would be for them. Some don't want to.

[Cat Herder]

It is interesting reading through these posts... just responding to your comment on getting their money’s worth: I run a home program and I know not everyone can do this but I have intentionally decided I don’t want parents to do that so I charge a set rate based on their hours and give them some vacation time (if they give me notice) that I don’t charge them for. I also make it clear to families that I think kids need parent time. Since they are not being charged for time not here (within reason and based on agreed schedule) they don’t use as many hours as they might otherwise.I have worked with families in the past where dcf was involved and they really were better off in care, but that is not the case with any of my families now. I find a lot of families look to us to help them form these ideas about what they ‘should’ be doing because they see us as the experts! At least around here...

I think that is great. I don't do the sliding scale because it is a lot to manage and I needed to simplify billing/taxes to keep from burning out with my second jobs responsibilities, too. I do offer unpaid vacation time, although it is rare anyone takes it.

I also agree with you that parents look to us for ideas. I post all family events in my surrounding community on a regular basis to inspire. Especially the free ones in state parks, museums and libraries. It works very well since most would not know about them otherwise, they can't look that stuff up at work and don't have much time at night. It is much easier for me to stay in the loop as an empty nester.

[Unregistered]

I also have parents like this (neighbors)! I don't take neighbors as clients but they moved here after child was already established. Mom gets off early 2 days a week (3 hours before schedule pick up) sometimes picks up early but dad won't pick up early unless he see us playing outside when he drives by to go home. I guess he thinks because I saw him that he's needs to get his child....Yes please! I understand that you may want your time after work but I am here to watch your kid while you are working not relaxing at home!

Hello All! Been taking care of kiddos for many years. In March I took on a new baby. A sweet easy going little girl. Her parents are the most interesting yet. They are older first time parents (mom 42, dad 43) Baby is here 5 full days a week. She stays until 4:45 daily when mom picks up because dad will be done working and drive right by anytime before and never picks her up. (They live down the street). I am talking hours early he gets home, I have been outside many times with kiddos and he just goes on by. She comes on their days off. Dad is on vacation this week and guess what? Baby is here. Every day. I know from talking to mom that they tried to conceive for years. They are blessed to have her in my opinion. But..... they seem to act like integrating baby into their lives is too much for them. It pisses me off. Why have a child if you don't want to spend time with it? What was their point? Just to see if they could or not? Anybody else have these parents?

[Mad_Pistachio]

ah, the everlasting "us vs. them" debate...

I've been on both sides of that fence.
to me, you have to options.
1. close up.
2. shut up.
tertium non datur.

[Cat Herder]

ah, the everlasting "us vs. them" debate...

I don't think it is that simple.

All parents are "them". That includes "us".

U.S. Culture is changing and MOST parents are not as involved in raising their kids. That includes "them" and "us".

Kids who don't spend enough time with their parents don't generally learn the same culture, values and traditions of their elders. They risk being disconnected from their families and communities as adults. We already see it everywhere.

I am an example of this. My parents spent very little time with me. I was raised by daycare, TV, books and neighbors. I have nothing in common with them, still spend minimal time with them (3 hours/year), know little about my family history and have no bonds with extended family. I am far from alone. Granted I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. :::: That is a bigger debate for another day. ::

It is bigger than "them" vs "us".