Parents That Want Nothing to Do with Parenting

[lovemykidstoo]

Perfectly fine.

Not sure why a topic that I feel strongly about equates to me not being okay but I'm just fine. Thanks for asking.

Vent: give free expression to (a strong emotion).

Judging: form an opinion or conclusion about.

Venting to me is letting off steam about YOU/YOUR situation (not someone else's) How you feel.

Judging to me is holding someone else to YOUR parameters. Expecting someone else to behave/react in the same way you would.

I see the two as completely different.

That's the beauty of this forum is we can have opposing views, the same views or slightly different views and we (for the most part ) all get along and bounce stuff off each other respectfully. I didn't think you sounded like it was such a hot topic for you, just offering your opinion like the rest of us.

[Blackcat31]

This hurts my heart. A good example of a human that gave birth and is not a mother.

Thank you. You just proved my point.

I posted that.

This little guy's mom is 23 years old. She just split up with child's father. He is currently couch surfing with friends until he finds a suitable place to live. DCMom just lost both her grandparents within the same week (April) and is spending every waking minute outside her job (she's an RN) with her father who is in hospice dying a slow painful death from pancreatic cancer. Her mom's breast cancer just returned too. Between driving her mom to chemo (4 hours away) 2-3 times a week, she also makes weeks of meals and freezes them so her mom has easy to make meals for those times when DCM is unable to cook for her. DCM is an only child so these family duties fall on her. She is also having to maintain her father's house and her mothers (they aren't together) and make sure both have clean laundry, lawn care and other errands taken care of.
She is over worked and stressed to the max. She's doing everything she can to be everything to everyone.

But yep.... She is "a good example of a human that gave birth and is not a mother."

[boy_mom]

I think the only solution to feeling bad for a child or wishing a parent would spend more their child is to completely forget that the parents exist between 9 and 5

You've opened a business with operating hours, and they pay for services within those hours. What they do after that should not enter your mind, at least that's how I maintained my zen!

Each family raises their children differently, but that doesn't mean they love their children any less than the rest of us!

I have faced criticism on the opposite side, I work from home so I can have my children home with me FT until kindergarten. People think I'm doing a disservice by not exposing them to preschool, sending them to daycamps in the summer....blah blah blah.

I say do what makes you happy and tune the rest out, you'll enjoy your day more!!

[Ariana]

Thank you. You just proved my point.

I posted that.

This little guy's mom is 23 years old. She just split up with child's father. He is currently couch surfing with friends until he finds a suitable place to live. DCMom just lost both her grandparents within the same week (April) and is spending every waking minute outside her job (she's an RN) with her father who is in hospice dying a slow painful death from pancreatic cancer. Her mom's breast cancer just returned too. Between driving her mom to chemo (4 hours away) 2-3 times a week, she also makes weeks of meals and freezes them so her mom has easy to make meals for those times when DCM is unable to cook for her. DCM is an only child so these family duties fall on her. She is also having to maintain her father's house and her mothers (they aren't together) and make sure both have clean laundry, lawn care and other errands taken care of.
She is over worked and stressed to the max. She's doing everything she can to be everything to everyone.

But yep.... She is "a good example of a human that gave birth and is not a mother."

But you yourself said that we have no idea what is going on in the parents life and yet you KNOW all of this. If we knew all of this we would feel the same way and most people in desperate situations will tell you. We have parents that are doing their best but I am not naive enough to think that every parent is fighting some invisible fight that no one else sees Some parents are jerks, full stop. I have definitely been in this business and in this world long enough to know that.

[Ariana]

U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics : For release 10:00 a.m. (EDT) Thursday, June 28, 2018

"Care of Household Children for the period 2013-17
• Adults living in households with children under age 6 spent an average of 2.1 hours per day
providing primary childcare to household children. Adults living in households where the
youngest child was between the ages of 6 and 17 spent less than half as much time providing
primary childcare to household children—50 minutes per day. Primary childcare is childcare
that is done as a main activity, such as providing physical care or reading to children. (See
table 9.)
• On an average day, among adults living in households with children under age 6, women spent
1.1 hours providing physical care (such as bathing or feeding a child) to household children; by
contrast, men spent 26 minutes providing physical care. (See table 9.)
• Adults living in households with at least one child under age 6 spent an average of 5.4 hours per
day providing secondary childcare—that is, they had at least one child in their care while doing
activities other than primary childcare. Secondary childcare provided by adults living in
households with children under age 6 was most commonly provided while doing leisure
activities (2.0 hours) or household activities (1.4 hours). (See table 10.)
• Adults living in households with children under age 6 spent more time providing primary
childcare on an average weekday (2.2 hours) than on an average weekend day (2.0 hours).
However, they spent less time providing secondary childcare on weekdays than on weekend
days—4.5 hours, compared with 7.5 hours. (See tables 9 and 10.) " - https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/atus.pdf

Am I reading this right? This seems like hardly any parenting is going on at all!

[Cat Herder]

Am I reading this right? This seems like hardly any parenting is going on at all!

Yes.

That is what the statistics show.

Check out the link.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

I have a parent of a 3 yr old boy. Mom is first one here to drop off. Last one to pick up. Mom only works part time. Child spends alot of time with step-grandparent in what many would call an unsafe environment. Eats nothing but fast food and junk. He is always tired and never on a schedule. He can get aggressive and has spent a large amount of his time with me in time out. The other kids seem to have a love hate relationship with him. Mostly because his temperament is so unpredictable. This boy has a father and although he does spend time with him, it's usually doing things like fishing until 2am or playing video games with friends online until the wee hours of the morning. When mom comes to pick up, she's usually in a hurry and is sort of detached from her son. He tries to tell her things he did during the day but she usually just tells him to stop talking and get his shoes on so they can go. She says "hurry up" to him alot. When she drops off, she is almost always on her phone and just walks DCB inside, signs him in and leaves without saying much more than a quick bye. DCB attends 5 days a week from open to close. The remaining time away from care is usually spent on the go or with random friends or family members.

Thank you. You just proved my point.

I posted that.

This little guy's mom is 23 years old. She just split up with child's father. He is currently couch surfing with friends until he finds a suitable place to live. DCMom just lost both her grandparents within the same week (April) and is spending every waking minute outside her job (she's an RN) with her father who is in hospice dying a slow painful death from pancreatic cancer. Her mom's breast cancer just returned too. Between driving her mom to chemo (4 hours away) 2-3 times a week, she also makes weeks of meals and freezes them so her mom has easy to make meals for those times when DCM is unable to cook for her. DCM is an only child so these family duties fall on her. She is also having to maintain her father's house and her mothers (they aren't together) and make sure both have clean laundry, lawn care and other errands taken care of.
She is over worked and stressed to the max. She's doing everything she can to be everything to everyone.

But yep.... She is "a good example of a human that gave birth and is not a mother."

I think you actually just proved the point of the OP. There are two people who make a baby and one wants nothing to do with the child other than to play video games and stay up late. The other parent is trying to make up the difference, but is severely detached in the process. The baby often becomes a reminder of the resentment they hold for the other parent. In the case you represent, mom is taking on the full parental responsibility, as well as dealing with major family issues. I know many people, myself included, who have dealt with the same, but would never leave their kid in a knowingly unsafe place and let them survive on junk. Tragic circumstance does not allow you to escape parental responsibility. Unfortunately, at 23, you are so young and often have no idea of the impact of your choices, so in this case, I would just feel really bad for them, but I think the lack of time with their child will be felt later on. My kids come with me when we take my dad to the doc, even on the trips to the city that are all day events. But, I am 35 and realize the importance of being there for my dad, as well as being there for my kids. I can extend myself in many directions. I am pretty sure, at 23, I only thought about the impact it all had on MY life. My mom was dying, my dad was in debt up to his eyeballs trying to care for her, my brother was diagnosed as bipolar after a very long ordeal including him being missing for several days...my world was imploding, but it was all about how it effected me. So maybe age has a huge factor as well. I am not sure the answer and we never really know what people have going on, but I am also getting tired of the excuses. I work with mostly 20 somethings as a server and it is nothing but excuse after excuse, so my judgement may have gotten the best of me! ::

[Blackcat31]

But you yourself said that we have no idea what is going on in the parents life and yet you KNOW all of this. If we knew all of this we would feel the same way and most people in desperate situations will tell you. We have parents that are doing their best but I am not naive enough to think that every parent is fighting some invisible fight that no one else sees Some parents are jerks, full stop. I have definitely been in this business and in this world long enough to know that.

Just because I happen to be aware of that info doesn't change things. If I had a family with similar behaviors and I was completely in the dark about their reasons, I wouldn't automatically assume they are bad parents that don't love or deserve their kids.

It's not okay to assume you (general you as the provider) know the reasons behind their actions. THAT was my point.

I think you actually just proved the point of the OP. There are two people who make a baby and one wants nothing to do with the child other than to play video games and stay up late.
The dad works nights so he sleeps during the day and even on his day off. Dad works alot but he tries his hardest to spend what time he can with DCB. Even if that means in the evening hours. The other parent is trying to make up the difference, but is severely detached in the process. The baby often becomes a reminder of the resentment they hold for the other parent. In the case you represent, mom is taking on the full parental responsibility, as well as dealing with major family issues.
Yep. DCM is taking on full responsibility for her family but she isn't and was never married to DCD. They lived together in a house (DCM owns) but both parents really do what they are able.
I know many people, myself included, who have dealt with the same, but would never leave their kid in a knowingly unsafe place and let them survive on junk. Tragic circumstance does not allow you to escape parental responsibility.
Like I said, these parents are young but they are doing everything they are able to do under the circumstances.
Unfortunately, at 23, you are so young and often have no idea of the impact of your choices, so in this case, I would just feel really bad for them, but I think the lack of time with their child will be felt later on.
This mom is far more mature than most my clients over 30. She is definitely not the stereotypical 23 yr old.
My kids come with me when we take my dad to the doc, even on the trips to the city that are all day events. But, I am 35 and realize the importance of being there for my dad, as well as being there for my kids. I can extend myself in many directions. I am pretty sure, at 23, I only thought about the impact it all had on MY life. My mom was dying, my dad was in debt up to his eyeballs trying to care for her, my brother was diagnosed as bipolar after a very long ordeal including him being missing for several days...my world was imploding, but it was all about how it effected me. So maybe age has a huge factor as well. I am not sure the answer and we never really know what people have going on, but I am also getting tired of the excuses. I work with mostly 20 somethings as a server and it is nothing but excuse after excuse, so my judgement may have gotten the best of me! ::

I replied a bit in bold above.


My point was we don't know everything.
We don't know why parents do/say what they do.
We "think" we do. But we don't.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

Just because I happen to be aware of that info doesn't change things. If I had a family with similar behaviors and I was completely in the dark about their reasons, I wouldn't automatically assume they are bad parents that don't love or deserve their kids.

It's not okay to assume you (general you as the provider) know the reasons behind their actions. THAT was my point.



I replied a bit in bold above.


My point was we don't know everything.
We don't know why parents do/say what they do.
We "think" we do. But we don't.

I definitely get that. I try not to judge and I think that the older I get, the less I do, but it creeps in. My mom was diagnosed with leukemia when I was 14, so I understand having to mature early and definitely felt I was ahead of my peers in what I had to deal with at the time. It felt kind of isolating. Luckily, I have had very good experiences with a majority of my parents. And I am kind of hoping that childcare and parenting make a comeback...sort of how home cooked meals and making your own stuff has come back in style, versus fast food. happyface

[Rockgirl]

Honestly, I’ve separated myself from any thoughts/feelings about where parents are and what they are doing during daycare hours. As long as I can reach a parent in case of emergency, I really don’t give a rat’s a$$ whether they’re working or not.

It’s just not something I choose to make an issue of or stress about.

[Mike]

Honestly, I’ve separated myself from any thoughts/feelings about where parents are and what they are doing during daycare hours. As long as I can reach a parent in case of emergency, I really don’t give a rat’s a$$ whether they’re working or not.

It’s just not something I choose to make an issue of or stress about.

My thoughts as well.

[Josiegirl]

Just because I happen to be aware of that info doesn't change things. If I had a family with similar behaviors and I was completely in the dark about their reasons, I wouldn't automatically assume they are bad parents that don't love or deserve their kids.

It's not okay to assume you (general you as the provider) know the reasons behind their actions. THAT was my point.



I replied a bit in bold above.


My point was we don't know everything.
We don't know why parents do/say what they do.
We "think" we do. But we don't.

You're right. To a point. Sometimes we don't know the rest of the story but sometimes we know too much. And sometimes we see parents who truly don't want to be with their child/ren. We see the way their child cries out loudly for attention, or love, or acceptance, anywhere or any way they can get it.
There is no right way or wrong way as to how a person parents. As long as they do parent and not let everybody else take it over for them and most of all, not let their children suffer due to their lack of parenting.
None of us should judge anyone but I bet there is not a one of us here who hasn't been judgemental at one time or another.

[Ariana]

Honestly, I’ve separated myself from any thoughts/feelings about where parents are and what they are doing during daycare hours. As long as I can reach a parent in case of emergency, I really don’t give a rat’s a$$ whether they’re working or not.

It’s just not something I choose to make an issue of or stress about.

I don’t stress about it either! I also don’t genuinly care, but I can b!tch about it since it is a topic of conversation on a forum ::

[Blackcat31]

You're right. To a point. Sometimes we don't know the rest of the story but sometimes we know too much. And sometimes we see parents who truly don't want to be with their child/ren. We see the way their child cries out loudly for attention, or love, or acceptance, anywhere or any way they can get it.
There is no right way or wrong way as to how a person parents. As long as they do parent and not let everybody else take it over for them and most of all, not let their children suffer due to their lack of parenting.
None of us should judge anyone but I bet there is not a one of us here who hasn't been judgemental at one time or another.

I can't say that in all my years of being a provider I've ever seen a parent that truly doesn't want to be with their child. I've seen many parents that don't know what quality time is and although they may spend 12 hours with their child, they aren't really spending it with them. I've seen parents not see much of their kids at all (for whatever reason) and then pack in as much quality time as they can in a 4 hour Sunday family day. I think there is a lot to be said about quality vs quantity in this topic area.

I've seen kids that act like they are abandoned and never get any love or attention from their parent only to find out they do...it's just not 24/7 never ending time and attention.
So even those types of situations are only what we see (and apply our thoughts/ideas and parameters of what we think the child needs/wants)

I think like potty training....home and daycare are different so the kids act/behave different.

I also agree that everyone is guilty of judgement.

Myself included.

It's the automatic assumption that someone doesn't want to spend time with their child, shouldn't have had children or doesn't deserve children that gets my goat.

The rest is normal every day, every forum, every providers vent type venting stuff.

I just can't wrap my head around thinking that I somehow have the right to say someone should never have had or doesn't deserve a child.

That is the type of judgment that no one has a right to.

Boy mom has THE best post in this thread in my opinion.

[Unregistered]

That's 100% different than a parent that sends their child to care everyday when the provider thinks the parent should be spending time with their child instead of being at the gym.

BIG difference between neglectful parents and those that choose to utilize their time with or without their child in a way that isn't conducive to what the provider thinks they should/shouldn't be doing.

Why have kids then? So, you can continue life as it was before they existed. Parents like that are selfish. Don't care what you think.