Lunchtime Crying

[spinnymarie]

I agree, I wouldn't cater to her --- HOWEVER! If you are still worried, or she doesn't seem to be budging, you could just serve one of the things she eats as the lunch for a meal or two a week, that way you know she will have eaten lunch a few times...
I also agree that there could sometimes be another circumstance at play, but I don't think that sounds like the case - if it were something like autism or a sensory processing disorder, you would see it in many other areas of her life, not just lunch time.
I'd tell everyone the new rules when she comes back : every one has the same lunch. No crying at lunch. If you don't like what we are having, you don't have to eat it, but no one gets anything other than what I've served. If you are choosing not to eat, you still need to sit with us at the table, and we will all get up when lunch time is over.
(for me it's too hard to let kids go to rest time before everyone else bc they screw around )
Good luck!

[lovemykidstoo]

She doesn't have autism. She has a learned behavior problem.

The danger in adults catering is they can actually inspire kids to become anorexic, which is exactly what sounds like whats going on here.


There is almost zero nutritional value in a jelly sandwich, grilled cheese and cheesy noodles. I'd cut those foods out of the equasion entirely, offer what I offer everyone else, and refuse to encourage her or play into her crying another second longer. Put the food down and completely ignore anything that isn't happy healthy table manners and eating habits. No bribes, no begging, no threats. When meal or snack is done simply take whats left and tell her to go play.

I would require parents be 100% on board with that strategy at home as well or I'd term. I'm not in the business of inflicting eating disorders on children.

Yea I think if she had autism I would be seeing other signs and I'm not. As Dr. Phil would say, why does she do it? Because she can! LOL!

[lovemykidstoo]

I'm sure she is afraid of it. If she is never exposed to it, it would be sort of scary...kwim?

I am not saying scary as in Halloween scary...but the unknown for anyone can be a bit uncomfortable.

I would make what you make. Ask her if she would like to eat today and if she says no. Leave her be.

Don't allow her to play or read...have her go straight to nap/rest time. NOT as a punishment but as the next activity after eating. She chose to skip lunch so she moves on to the next activity.

Plus if you allow her to do something else, others will follow.

I would even offer to allow her to simply sit at the table and NOT have to try/taste anything you serve.

Depends on whether she is crying because she is anxious about having to try something new or if she is crying just because she hates meal time.

If she is afraid you are going to pressure her to try something, let her know she doesn't have to and that she is free to simply sit while the others eat.

I would praise the heck the out of all the others for eating.

NO way would I ever make her an alternative meal. Like C2C said, you are doing her a great injustice if you continue to change the world around her....when clearly she needs to adapt to the world.

Meal time here is NO fuss.. If they are verbal and don't want to eat, say so.

If they aren't verbal, I have them sit.
They either eat or they don't.

When lunch time is over, everyone gets down from the table and moves on to the next activity...which is rest time here.

There really isn't much else you can do. If she has no documented reason for not wanting to eat...then you owe it to her to treat her like anyone else.

People will NOT change their behavior until it becomes a problem for them and right now you are the only one worried about this issue. kwim?

All great advice thanks

[lovemykidstoo]

I agree, I wouldn't cater to her --- HOWEVER! If you are still worried, or she doesn't seem to be budging, you could just serve one of the things she eats as the lunch for a meal or two a week, that way you know she will have eaten lunch a few times...
I also agree that there could sometimes be another circumstance at play, but I don't think that sounds like the case - if it were something like autism or a sensory processing disorder, you would see it in many other areas of her life, not just lunch time.
I'd tell everyone the new rules when she comes back : every one has the same lunch. No crying at lunch. If you don't like what we are having, you don't have to eat it, but no one gets anything other than what I've served. If you are choosing not to eat, you still need to sit with us at the table, and we will all get up when lunch time is over.
(for me it's too hard to let kids go to rest time before everyone else bc they screw around )
Good luck!

Yes I think I will explain before the meal even hits the table. She's over 4 now and completely understands. I think by letting her go off to bed though is another "fun" thing for her though. SHe would probably like that. I think that she will need to stay at the table, crying or not. I'll have to look at a magazine or something though to take my mind off the crying. UGH

[countrymom]

me me me, I have her triplet. Look thru my threads about eat nothing girl and I totally understand where you are coming from. Its a learned behavior from home. And there is nothing you can do unless the parents try to fix it at home too.

so I make food for everyone, dcg now sits at the table and can watch the other children eat. Its gotten to the point where the other kids will put food infront of her so she will eat, but she refuses. Its sad that 3 yr olds see how awful not eating is.

also I don't cater to her. But I also don't give her treats either on the plate. Like the other day as a desert everyone got yogurt, but she ate nothing so she didn't get dessert. I find that this is what she will do, hold out till dessert time. Nope, I stopped playing games.

don't worry the crying will stop, once they realize you aren't paying attention.

[lovemykidstoo]

I should also say that if one of the kids asks what we're having for lunch and I tell them something she doesn't like, she starts crying just on the mere mention of it.

[Willow]

I should also say that if one of the kids asks what we're having for lunch and I tell them something she doesn't like, she starts crying just on the mere mention of it.

This is an extremely typical response out of a child whose meals have become fraught with anxiety over them having too much control.

Teach her new, that food and meals don't have to be scary because you could care less.

I'd either ignore the crying or ask her to simply step into the other room until she's done and calmed back down.


I still to this day have an anxiety disorder that largely revolves around how my daycare providers and parents pushed, threatened, shamed and waffled around all things food. I wasnt able to sit down at a restaurant and actually enjoy a meal until I was 27 years old because of the mental damage that perpetual and anxiety producing cycle caused me....mind you it took years of therapy and the h*ll of CBT to get even there in my life and i still struggle sometimes......I know EXACTLY how she feels when she starts crying at the mere mention of a single food item. She needs to be left alone to rewrite her own new relationships with food. The only way to get her relaxed enough to do that is to back off and start making food a complete non-issue.

[KIDZRMYBIZ]

I had a dcg that started with me when she was 3 1/2. When I set down her very first meal with us she said, rather dramatically, "I like hot dogs and chicken nuggets and that's all I'll eat...and I don't drink milk." My SA kids still quote it from time to time and she's been gone for 4 years! It obviously left an impression!

She was eating everything we ate by her 2nd week. She quickly realized there were only 2 food options here:

1. Eat it
2. Or don't

::::::

[Blackcat31]

This is an extremely typical response out of a child whose meals have become fraught with anxiety over them having too much control.

Teach her new, that food and meals don't have to be scary because you could care less.

I'd either ignore the crying or ask her to simply step into the other room until she's done and calmed back down.


I still to this day have an anxiety disorder that largely revolves around how my daycare providers and parents pushed, threatened, shamed and waffled around all things food. I wasnt able to sit down at a restaurant and actually enjoy a meal until I was 27 years old because of the mental damage that perpetual and anxiety producing cycle caused me....mind you it took years of therapy and the h*ll of CBT to get even there in my life and i still struggle sometimes......I know EXACTLY how she feels when she starts crying at the mere mention of a single food item. She needs to be left alone to rewrite her own new relationships with food. The only way to get her relaxed enough to do that is to back off and start making food a complete non-issue.

Isn't it funny how many side effects that you can still feel in regards to awful meal time beliefs from childhood?

To this day when we go out to eat, I order the same thing at each place. My DH asked why...and I told him...My parents believed in the clean plate club and the "of you take it; you eat it" line of thinking so I always made sure to order something I liked just in case I didn't like it and HAD to eat it.

Eating out was a special treat that we did on a rare occasion so I most certainly didn't want to waste that "treat" by ordering something I hated and then be forced to eat it.

So I tend to err on the side of caution when dining out because of that.

[Willow]

Isn't it funny how many side effects that you can still feel in regards to awful meal time beliefs from childhood?

To this day when we go out to eat, I order the same thing at each place. My DH asked why...and I told him...My parents believed in the clean plate club and the "of you take it; you eat it" line of thinking so I always made sure to order something I liked just in case I didn't like it and HAD to eat it.

Eating out was a special treat that we did on a rare occasion so I most certainly didn't want to waste that "treat" by ordering something I hated and then be forced to eat it.

So I tend to err on the side of caution when dining out because of that.

I do the exact same thing.....along with steering myself towards bland choices and sauces always on the side "just to be safe."

How awesomely adventerous are we??!



Op - I was insanely skinny as a child but so are my own two kids and they are food black holes. A lot of that can be genetic

[Sunshine75]

Do you think anything would be different if you had her be a helper in the kitchen. It may be interesting for her to see what goes into making a meal and maybe she will want a sample afterwards.

[daycare]

all of my weird eating stems from bad childhood experiences.

It would take me hours to tell you the things my parents did if we did not eat our food. Basically, once I moved out of their house, I decided to go off and eat everything and anything I wanted. My favorite thing to eat was bean burritos. Where I grew up you could not get beans, so this was quite a unique taste for me. Well that ended quickly, My kidneys shut down and I was very ill for some time. After getting home from the hospital, I went straight to eating as healthy as I could.

I think others have hit it on the head. I have had kids who sound just like yours. some of them still do it. I have one that is 3.5 that if he sees a food coming to the table that he does not like, it's instant screaming time. I don't let it bother me. I just say, please remove yourself from the table until you are done screaming. You can join us when you are done screaming. When they come back they can chose if they want to eat or not.

It's frustrating, but kids will eat when they are hungry. It's like my friend says, you can lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink....

[lovemykidstoo]

Do you think anything would be different if you had her be a helper in the kitchen. It may be interesting for her to see what goes into making a meal and maybe she will want a sample afterwards.

I actually have tried that and nope didn't work Thanks for the tip though!

[TheGoodLife]

Honestly, by giving in you are doing this child an injustice as well as being unfair to the other kids.

Serve her what others are eating and if she doesn't eat, she doesn't.

Some kids are thinner than others but that doesn't mean you should serve her jelly sandwiches for every meal and actually that could be doing her more nutritional damage than her eating nothing.

She's eating at home obviously but e only ay she's ever going to be exposed to good healthy food is obviously at your house.

Serve her food, either she eats it or doesn't and don't say a word if she doesn't. When the meal is over, get her down from the table and move on with your day.

[cheerfuldom]

Interesting thoughts on bad experiences with food from childhood

We were extremely poor. Like imagine poor and then go even farther. Many many times we would have only one meal per day. I still have a horrible habit of ordering way too much food. I eat whatever is there, even until I feel sick just from the bad habit of doing that as a child....eating when you get the chance because you dont know when you will get another chance. I am 31 and just now breaking this habit.

I HATE when my husband and his mother play the "how many bites to I have to eat game" with my kids. There is so much crying and negotiating about it, its ridiculous. I tell my husband to just leave them alone! if they eat it, they eat it. if they don't, they don't. there is no need for crying at the table. i also dont allow the bribing with dessert. The kids do not cry and carry on when i am in charge of meals and they eat everything for me and the drama ramps up 10x with hubby and MIL.

also, my husband never ever was allowed fast food or soda as a child. you already know what happened when he moved out at 17. his eating habits are horrible and we are still working on that!