Daughter Says That Day Care Provider HITS Her..

[fairymama]

Please help me.. I couldn't believe it when my 31/2 y old daughter told me that her day care provider hits her on her thighs and butt. The girl was playing and then I heard her saying that "xx hits me because I was naughty today""!!! I tried to ask the girl more questions and she again told me that xx hits her when she playing in the bathroom soap, I was really shocked when I heard that, I was trusting this lady!! I don't know what to do.. help me please please..My kids spend almost 10h daily at this lady home center and I am afraid..

[Willow]

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make a lot of sense. In what context did she make such a claim? Was she playing alone? With someone else? And with what? Was it just a random statement?

And how do you know she hits her on the butt and thighs? Did she say that? Does she have any visible marks?



(On a side note I thought you were going on vacation for a month and were hoping to work out paying quite a bit in order to keep your current provider because she was so wonderful? What ever happened with that?)

[Meeko]

While you should be concerned...please tread carefully with this.

If this is true...the provider is horrible and you need to get your daughter out of there.

But......have you thought that there could be a possibility that your daughter is not telling the truth? Maybe the provider scolded her sternly for playing in the soap for the tenth time and so your daughter is getting back at her? Believe me ...it happens. Children get mad when scolded. They "tattle" and sometimes the "tattle" is not true.

Every parent wants to believe their child and children deserve to have parents who look after their best interests. But what comes out of a three year old's brain and mouth is not always 100% true.

You are in a difficult situation. You do not want to lead your daughter into an accusation. But you should not discard your concerns either.

I would tell the provider that your daughter mentioned she got into trouble for playing with the soap. Ask her what the consequence was for that. Use your "Spidey senses" to watch her reactions and listen to the reply. If the provider is defensive or wants to shrug it off....be wary. If she seems very up front about being annoyed, giving a time -out etc....maybe she deserves the benefit of the doubt. Has she ever given you reason to be suspicious before?

From a parent's standpoint.....your daughter needs your support. But it's a provider's nightmare to get a child that figures out that every time she complains to Mom, her Mom believes her and her provider is accused of something. Children do not always do this maliciously. It just serves their purpose. Three year old's have manipulation down to art form because they are learning how to interact with people. They pay attention to reaction and learn how to use it.

I don't mean to make three year old's sound like sociopaths! But they are learning the art of communication. How to word things to get the reaction they want. It's a skill we all use every day in some way. A smile, a comment, a gesture....

I really, really hope that your daughter was not spanked. Your provider should be in big trouble if this in the case.

I am hoping she is just embellishing her punishment for doing something wrong in the hopes of distracting you from being upset with her behavior.

Let us know what you find out!

[Meeko]

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make a lot of sense. In what context did she make such a claim? Was she playing alone? With someone else? And with what? Was it just a random statement?

And how do you know she hits her on the butt and thighs? Did she say that? Does she have any visible marks?



(On a side note I thought you were going on vacation for a month and were hoping to work out paying quite a bit in order to keep your current provider because she was so wonderful? What ever happened with that?)

My mind is now going off in a totally different direction.......hhmmmmm.....better not put my foot in mouth.........thanks for the extra info, Willow

[daycare]

I agree with Meeko..

years ago I had a DCG around 3.5 tell her parents that I spanked her... the DCM called me to ask what was going on. I assured her that I did not do such a thing and that I understood that she had every right to ever be concerned. DCM says ok and we end out talk.

so the next day at drop off DCD drops off and I get down on my knee and said sally, did you tell mommy and daddy that I spanked you the other day? She would not look up. So I ask her again. she finally looks up and says yes. I said did that happen? She would not answer me. DCD looked pretty surprised I was putting DCG on blast. I asked DCG again, do I ever spank you? She finally said no, but you don't let me use the markers anymore and I want them.

I look up at dcd and said I hope that helped. Dropped from that day on..

If I were you, I would ask your child in front of the DCP.

[LoraJenkins]

I had this same thing happen to me last month...but as a provider. A parent called me after pick-up stating that their 3.5 year old daughter told them I spanked her for coloring outside the lines. Luckily I have know the DCD since he was 15 and he knew that was not something I would do. He called just to inform me she has started telling these types of fibs. 3 year olds have very active imaginations and I hope that is what is going on here.

I would talk to the provider, face to face, about it and judge her reaction. But remember that children that age do have an active imagination and I hope that is what is going on.

[lovemykidstoo]

I would definately have a conversation with the provider AND your child at the same time.

I have a story as well. About 9 years ago one of my dcb's was about 4 at the time. We were outside playing and his one cheek was all red. I said to him, Johnny, what's wrong with your cheek it's all red. He said, you hit me! My mouth dropped to the floor. I, of course, did not hit him, but see how easily something like that comes out of their mouth? I had a conversation immediately when mom picked up. I have no idea how he got that. I have, nor ever would, touch a child like that.

[canadiancare]

As a daycare provider I would not have any interest in keeping a child in my care that was starting unfounded rumours and as a parent I would automatically believe my child and move to a different place because I couldn't live with myself if I doubted my child and they were being abused.

[Jewels]

I had a 3 year old a couple months ago tell his parents I was putting him in the crib during quiet time, and would not come and get him to use the potty........and thats why he was having accidents.
I did not even have a crib, and he hadn't taken naps in months. His mom luckily didn't believe him, said he had been making alot of stuff up, even told his grandma that his mom wasn't feeding him lunch, but it scared me really bad, that this 3 year old could come up with a story like that! I just agree with others tread gently, but if this is true....she needs to loose her license.

[SilverSabre25]

I have a 4.5 year old telling tales both here and at home...it happens to be a normal developmental stage...and it has caused many a parent and many a provider quite a bit of heartache!!

This particular boy told his parents that I thought his nose was food so I bit it...then later that week told me that his parents lock him in the basement at home with the cats (I know the family; this is not true!), and for a long time has told his parents that I don't ever feed him (on days when he didn't like what I served or wouldn't let him gorge himself on fruit).

The key seems to be good and open lines of communication between parents and providers. The best thing to do right now is to call and ASK your provider about this.

[canadiancare]

The thing is that if a provider is smacking kids it is unlikely she/he will reply honestly when asked. I think that there are some types of stories that are safe to question and others that I wouldn't risk.

I've had kids tell their parents that we eat pizza every day when asked what they had for lunch. That isn't a big deal.

I have never had a kid say I hurt them (and I have been at this for 21 years).

[Mom&Provider]

Please help me.. I couldn't believe it when my 31/2 y old daughter told me that her day care provider hits her on her thighs and butt. The girl was playing and then I heard her saying that "xx hits me because I was naughty today""!!! I tried to ask the girl more questions and she again told me that xx hits her when she playing in the bathroom soap, I was really shocked when I heard that, I was trusting this lady!! I don't know what to do.. help me please please..My kids spend almost 10h daily at this lady home center and I am afraid..

I do agree that this is a definate reason to be concerned, but before you jump to any conclusions about your provider you need to speak with the her personally about it, in person and now. Only once you've spoken to her will you start to get a better grasp of what is/isn't happening.

[Blackcat31]

The thing is that if a provider is smacking kids it is unlikely she/he will reply honestly when asked. I think that there are some types of stories that are safe to question and others that I wouldn't risk.

I agree. I also don't think I would ever question a child about something like that in front of the parent either.

Even when you are down on their level eye to eye, a child is going to feel intimidated and IF a child care provider actually did spank them, having that person sternly questioning you face to face would more than likely have the child feel as though they HAD to agree with the provider and say no, they weren't spanked....even if they were.....kiwm?

I have never had a child tell their parent I hurt them in any way, but I have had plenty of kids tell their parents that we had mac 'n cheese EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for lunch before. (Yuck!) but nothing more serious than that.

I too am curious about the context of this conversation between OP and her DD.

[lovemykidstoo]

I agree. I also don't think I would ever question a child about something like that in front of the parent either.

Even when you are down on their level eye to eye, a child is going to feel intimidated and IF a child care provider actually did spank them, having that person sternly questioning you face to face would more than likely have the child feel as though they HAD to agree with the provider and say no, they weren't spanked....even if they were.....kiwm?

I have never had a child tell their parent I hurt them in any way, but I have had plenty of kids tell their parents that we had mac 'n cheese EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for lunch before. (Yuck!) but nothing more serious than that.

I too am curious about the context of this conversation between OP and her DD.

Very true. I would lean towards believing my child, but like I said earlier I have had a dcb say that I hit him on his cheek (face) and that never ever happened. So, I am saying that it is possible that either scenario happened. Best way to handle it is to talk to the provider. I think if you know your provider well enough, you should be able to notice any nervousness if she's lying.

[Blackcat31]

Very true. I would lean towards believing my child, but like I said earlier I have had a dcb say that I hit him on his cheek (face) and that never ever happened. So, I am saying that it is possible that either scenario happened. Best way to handle it is to talk to the provider. I think if you know your provider well enough, you should be able to notice any nervousness if she's lying.

Yes. Not only would I speak with my provider but I would pay super close attention to my child's behavior at drop off and pick up.

I would also really listen to my gut instincts.

Most times there are other "signs" or clues when something like this is happening.

You just have to put the pieces together and/or listen carefully.

If for ANY reason you feel something isn't quite right..... change providers.

As a provider, I wouldn't want to continue doing business with someone who didn't 100% trust me and as a parent I wouldn't want someone watching my child that I didn't 100% trust.