What Do You Do With A Child Who Won't Stay In A Child's Place?

[erinalexmom]

I've always thought too much talking to little kids (as far as instructions or redirection) is the same as saying "djnmnmnseie". They shut down after a few sentences, or even a few words. So to me, there kinda is a magic way to say something that will make sense to them, shut down protests, and get them to do what you ask...in as few words possible.

I agree with this completely! I have found that children have been treated like little adults and allowed to run the show. I found the more "explaining" I do the more I put them on my "level" so to speak. I dont owe them an explination I am the adult they are the kid"cause Im the babysitter thats why" should be all the explination they need. I am trying to use less and less word with discipline. Many times I just say thier name now and they self correct. Or I just give them "the look" ::

[Unregistered]

She sounds like a leader. I would make her my biggest helper and give her task to keep her busy and redirect. She needs busy work that will challenge her.

She also sounds like it's her job at home to care for younger ones or possible parent's.

It also sounds like she needs a little power, that is suited for her age. I would say to her.......yes he is almost ready for his breakfast, you are very observant to notice that. The things that annoy you are actually sounding like they are her assets to be.

Always hold her to respect and talking in a tone that is nice to you.

These kids can really challenge us, because they are on top of things more then we are at times.

Books, puzzles, jobs to do like picking up the blocks and making the area look special. Think ahead of her and when you can't have back up of busy work.

Fun fun fun look at her as it's my job to teach you because someday she might be taking care of you as a nurse, doctor, teacher, etc..... and you inspired her by showing her patience (not always easy to do, esp when you have JJ, John John, little dumpling, and booger nose all wanting you too)

[2ndFamilyDC]

I would just tell her, " Susan, you are a little girl, your job is to play. I'm the grown up, I make grown up choices. Go play now. "

I have said this myself to a child I had like this before. Course I had to say it a couple million times. ::

[nannyde]

She sounds like a leader. I would make her my biggest helper and give her task to keep her busy and redirect. She needs busy work that will challenge her.

She also sounds like it's her job at home to care for younger ones or possible parent's.

It also sounds like she needs a little power, that is suited for her age. I would say to her.......yes he is almost ready for his breakfast, you are very observant to notice that. The things that annoy you are actually sounding like they are her assets to be.

Always hold her to respect and talking in a tone that is nice to you.

These kids can really challenge us, because they are on top of things more then we are at times.

Books, puzzles, jobs to do like picking up the blocks and making the area look special. Think ahead of her and when you can't have back up of busy work.

Fun fun fun look at her as it's my job to teach you because someday she might be taking care of you as a nurse, doctor, teacher, etc..... and you inspired her by showing her patience (not always easy to do, esp when you have JJ, John John, little dumpling, and booger nose all wanting you too)

I couldn't disagree with this more. In fact, I think this advise will harm the situation and even put the kid, workers, and other children at risk.

The child is ALREADY leading. She's an incompetent leader because she has not had the life experience of being led. THAT'S what's missing. She needs to have day after day where she FOLLOWS. Where she understands that she is to do as she is told and mind the adult.

She needs the boredom that comes from having to manage your enviornment without controlling the adults and kids and getting rewarded with extra special adult and your way with the kids.

She needs to be in front of KID toys and say "YOU do this". YOU make something of this. YOU find a way to keep yourself happy with things that are designed for YOU.

She's NOT showing signs of leadership and that she will do something great. She's showing signs of being overinduldged every where she goes. She's BEGGING for leadership. She's BEGGING for boredom. She's BEGGING for the boundaries that keep her within her own KIND... which is the other KIDS... not the adults.

NO SPECIAL. She's had a childhood of special. She needs plain and simple. Down to the minute... she goes and plays JUST like everyone else. She doesn't NEED explanations or affirmations of the words she's putting forward. She doesn't NEED an explanation of why the adult will take her words or not. She NEEDS to be told to GO PLAY TOYS and nevermind what the adults are doing and MIND what they are saying to you. She needs to be completely WITHIN what the other kids are doing and BE... ONE... OF... THEM.

She's a ball of chaos... she's showing you what a kid looks like that is ALLOWED to lead with her words and her body. She needs to FOLLOW... for month after month after month...

When she does get to lead it needs to be in really small spurts and then go back to being one of many. She needs to EARN not DEMAND her leadership. She hasn't earned a role of leadership and she shows that she's happy with high level adult interaction. She's not lacking that. She'll get that with her parents where she is the one child in the house. In the group she needs to be JUST a regular kid in a group with the same expectations everyone else has.

Giving her special will escalate her and with that escalation will come hitting, pushing, shoving, tantruming, foul words, and one refusal after another. The day she refuses to follow directions when her SAFETY or another kids SAFETY is at risk will come very quickly with your plan.

It's NOT just about her. It's about the OTHER children AND the adults. The other kids don't like her ways and the adults don't either. They ALL need to have an enjoyable day. If you are going to do SPECIAL and wall to wall activities then do it for the ones who can easily switch to "go play toys" without any fussing or problems. THEY are your leaders... not a kid that acts like this.

[JenNJ]

With tattlers, I tell them to go play. When they protest, I say, "You can play or you can sit quietly at the table. Your choice." I don't engage it. If they tattle again, off to the table to do a quiet activity.

I personally wouldn't make them my biggest helper as a another poster suggested. It would reinforce the notion that she is an authority figure and in reality I am THE authority.

Sometimes I am watching a situation to see how the parties are going to work it out themselves. A tattler ruins that decision making process for the kids involved by publicly drawing my attention to the situation. Those kids lose a learning opportunity because the tattler needs attention. That is not ok.

My job is to help these kids make good decisions ON THEIR OWN. A tattler is constantly bringing an adult in to referee situations when many times it is not warranted. I only intervene when needed. An argument over a toy -- not worth stepping in. I wait to see when the kids will remember the rule about sharing and work it out together. Someone is hitting -- I will see it on my own. I don't need a child's help to do my job.

I have never had a helpful tattle tale. It is an annoying and disruptive habit that I do not tolerate.

[Unregistered]

I agree with Nan on this one. "Go Play Toys" works. It is simple and effective...and better yet, easy to remember when you get busy. LOL

I also agree that it's not a good idea to make this child the leader or the one to do special things. She already thinks she's more important than the other kids. Why add fuel to the flames? She needs to be put in her place, which is to GO PLAY TOYS.

[Blackcat31]

I agree with Nan on this one. "Go Play Toys" works. It is simple and effective...and better yet, easy to remember when you get busy. LOL

I also agree that it's not a good idea to make this child the leader or the one to do special things. She already thinks she's more important than the other kids. Why add fuel to the flames? She needs to be put in her place, which is to GO PLAY TOYS.

I agree with Nan too, as making this child the leader is exactly what she wants. I made the mistake of allowing a child in that same situation be the leader thinking that would solve the problem....Oh, lordy, what a bad move!! Ultimately, I was only adding fuel to the fire and it got worse!!

In my situation the child was not the caretaker of younger sibs at home or caretaker of parents....he had simply had learned how to gain attention using those behaviors.

Took a bit of redirecting but ultimatley addressed and corrected the situation successfully.

[erinalexmom]

I will say that I was this kid in so many ways. I had to grow up too early. I was never really allowed to just "go play" My parents involved me in alot of thier drama and I had no real chance at being a child in a child role.
At the time my parents treating me as an adult was what I thought I wanted. Now I looke back and see that I would have been so much happier and saved myself years of therapy if I could have had my childhood forced back on me a bit.
My own children really are totally "children" I dont let them know about bills being due. I dont let them hear me and my dh fight. They have no real worries. My mom said one day "your kids are the happiest Ive ever met! They just have nothing to worry about." That was a huge compliment to me.
Childhood is a magical time of very little responsibility. When you allow the tattling then you are allowing them more responsibility and that destroys a little of the joy of being a child IMHO

[Lucypch]

Have you asked if she wants to play? Maybe she's bored. At 6 you can give her more activities that engage her to think such as Nomenclature cards, story writing, culture study and so on there are great free downloadable materials on

http://www.montessoriforeveryone.com/Language-Materials_ep_60-1.html

If you hover over her and tell her what to do you are intimidating her. Through force we remove their choice and therefore their self esteem and ability to make commitments. Give her a choice would you like to play or write a story.

Conflict is an opportunity to teach. If she's telling on someone take the opportunity to talk as a community about what happened.

[JenNJ]

Have you asked if she wants to play? Maybe she's bored. At 6 you can give her more activities that engage her

The little girl in the OP is four years old, not six.

[Lucypch]

About being polite

There is a way to talk and be polite not just to adults but to everyone. Being polite and respectful takes learning. When she says things like "you need to do this or that now" hmmm... Sounds like she's hearing this from an adult.
Children observe us and like to mimic us. So the best thing to do is model respect.
Give her an example on how she could say it politely.

[Lucypch]

For four you can still do the Nomenclature cards just have her match the pictures.
Other things for age 4
-sandpaper letters
-writing numbers
-bead stringing
-pouring exercises
-lacing a shoe and other practical life skills

[Blackcat31]

Have you asked if she wants to play? Maybe she's bored. At 6 you can give her more activities that engage her to think such as Nomenclature cards, story writing, culture study and so on there are great free downloadable materials on

http://www.montessoriforeveryone.com/Language-Materials_ep_60-1.html

If you hover over her and tell her what to do you are intimidating her. Through force we remove their choice and therefore their self esteem and ability to make commitments. Give her a choice would you like to play or write a story.

Conflict is an opportunity to teach. If she's telling on someone take the opportunity to talk as a community about what happened.

I'm sorry but I do not agree with this statement. My parents NEVER EVER EVER gave me choices like that as a child. I did as I was told and never thought for one second that I should of had a choice. I was the child, my parents were the authority. If I didn't like it I could grow up and move out.

....and if you knew me, you'd know I absolutely do not suffer from self-esteem issues or suffer from any lack of abilty to make committments.

I get the whole child-led curriculum approach and do agree with some of them.... well parts of them. However, in my house I make the rules and the little people follow. I am not overly concerned about self esteem.

IMHO, When this new trend of child development therorists started focusing so intently on self esteem was exactly when the train started derailing....

[nannyde]

For four you can still do the Nomenclature cards just have her match the pictures.
Other things for age 4
-sandpaper letters
-writing numbers
-bead stringing
-pouring exercises
-lacing a shoe and other practical life skills

Or she could go play toys with her mates. Instead of doing activities that require any adult she could be teamed up with the YOUNGEST kids in the room and play toys with them.

They will teach her more than any letters, stringing, numbers, lacing, or pouring. Free playing with THEM will be a GIFT to her.

[Lucypch]

How to teach tattlers

This I took from the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Disciple"

When a child brings you a problem involving a perceived intrusion by another, the first question to ask is, "did you like that?"
This may seem odd but it is critical for three reasons.
1- it helps you to asses how much assertiveness energy the tattler possesses. Assertiveness energy is the level of faith the child has in the power of her words to influence others.
2- saying no has a great deal of assertive energy and answering your question makes that energy instantly available to your child.
3- you have helped the child focus on herself and her own feelings rather than on the other person. This lays a foundation for self-control.
If the child responds no, say to the child "go tell Logan, "stop, I don't like when you push me"