Terming Unmedicated Child, Please Help

[victorial]

I recently took on a child I had termed before for behavior at age 3(last straw was unbuckling car seat and climbing around moving vehicle). She has been through over 20 providers/centers in 5 years. I told mom we would give it another shot as she was 2 years older. After a month of trial I was about to term again and mom confessed she was finally willing to try medication. Child does have severe ADHD confirmed diagnosis.

Meds worked like a charm. She turned into an agreeable delightful child to be around. Helpful, focused, interested.

Fast forward 2 months. Mom decides she doesn't like child not being her "true" personality and last 3 out of 4 days in attendance (she is part time few days a week) child has been unmedicated and it's back to a nightmare. Mom cries when I tried to talk to her about issue.

I am perfectly willing to support this family of 2 by continuing to provide stable high quality care, IF she takes medication. If she's not going to continue meds or if she's just going to give them now and then, I want to give them their final termination notice.

Does anyone have any advice about how to explain this to mom? Or should I just stay away from the whole issue and just term them without any explanation or trying to work anything out. I do not need the money so that is not an issue. I just feel that I can not provide the level of care she needs if she is not medicated.

[daycare]

I recently took on a child I had termed before for behavior at age 3(last straw was unbuckling car seat and climbing around moving vehicle). She has been through over 20 providers/centers in 5 years. I told mom we would give it another shot as she was 2 years older. After a month of trial I was about to term again and mom confessed she was finally willing to try medication. Child does have severe ADHD confirmed diagnosis.

Meds worked like a charm. She turned into an agreeable delightful child to be around. Helpful, focused, interested.

Fast forward 2 months. Mom decides she doesn't like child not being her "true" personality and last 3 out of 4 days in attendance (she is part time few days a week) child has been unmedicated and it's back to a nightmare. Mom cries when I tried to talk to her about issue.

I am perfectly willing to support this family of 2 by continuing to provide stable high quality care, IF she takes medication. If she's not going to continue meds or if she's just going to give them now and then, I want to give them their final termination notice.

Does anyone have any advice about how to explain this to mom? Or should I just stay away from the whole issue and just term them without any explanation or trying to work anything out. I do not need the money so that is not an issue. I just feel that I can not provide the level of care she needs if she is not medicated.

I have a child that also has severe ADHD..... Dad has it too
Parents are divorced mom refuses to get the child help.

I finally told the mom that she has to understand a few things.
1. she is not helping her child by not getting him the help he needs
2. I understand that no one wants to label thier child and no one wants to know that thier child is different, but this does not mean that they will love them any less, just will have to learn to cope with them in different ways
3. when a child is not able to contorl themself, it puts all other children's saftey at risk as well as the child himself. Especially when they don't listen, like get off of the table before you fall and get hurt.
4. When all of the other kids see that the teacher disaproves of the child, they will also soon disaprove of the child too and will not want to be friends with them. Because children look to their parents and teachers for approval. If the teacher thinks a child is bad, then all of the children will think this too.... By this I mean that if the other children constatnly hear the teacher give out to the ADHD child, then this is why they will think they are bad.

This mom is not doing this child any favors. I understand that they don't want to medicate the child, but they need to find an alternative. They need to find something that will help the child. i think that it is a form of neglect by not getting the child the help that they need.

I feel for you, try to stand strong and do all that you can.... Today was a victory for me today, as I saw my ADHD child off to kinder. So I no longer will have to deal with it again....

[nannyde]

Any chance the parent is taking or selling the medicine?

Any chance she's saving the medicine for when the kid is on her clock?

Something is up. The "pure" personality reason and the tears don't add up.

I would tell her you need a note from the doctor stating the child is no longer being prescribed the medication. That way you can get medical confirmation that the child no longer needs it or it is just an as neccessary med and you can then base your expulsion on her behavior alone.

If the Mom wants to continue her care when she is having her pure personality time then she needs to provide an adult for the child to have one to one care while in your setting.

It's the parents issue to solve. You just need to give her the facts and let her decide what is best for her child. What she can't do is say words and do tearful discussions and have the kid in child care acting horribly. Her words and tears aren't going to make the child safe and happy in your group setting.

[countrymom]

Any chance the parent is taking or selling the medicine?

Any chance she's saving the medicine for when the kid is on her clock?

Something is up. The "pure" personality reason and the tears don't add up.

I would tell her you need a note from the doctor stating the child is no longer being prescribed the medication. That way you can get medical confirmation that the child no longer needs it or it is just an as neccessary med and you can then base your expulsion on her behavior alone.

If the Mom wants to continue her care when she is having her pure personality time then she needs to provide an adult for the child to have one to one care while in your setting.

It's the parents issue to solve. You just need to give her the facts and let her decide what is best for her child. What she can't do is say words and do tearful discussions and have the kid in child care acting horribly. Her words and tears aren't going to make the child safe and happy in your group setting.

I totally agree!!

[LittleD]

In some cases, ADHD or ADD is mislabeled. People will use it to classify a naughty misbehaved child. Other times, it is correctly identified. There are a lot of high professions that have ADHD people, including doctors and lawyers.
Medication does NOT prevent the child's true personality from coming out, quite the opposite! It's when the are medicated that they are more likely to show their true colors. All of the distractions that can plague a child of ADHD cause them to be overwhelmed, and how do most people feel when they are overwhelmed? Cranky, frustrated, snappish and so on. Medication is not for life either. It is to help the child cope through the barriers that are preventing from them from learning to their fullest potential. As the child matures, they should be removed from the medication to see how they do without it. Also, it should not be used alone, there are other things that should be done in combination, here are some things to consider: http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/...0%20%20%20%203
I can go on and on, and in some cases, medication is not the answer. For my son, I waited 2 yrs after he was diagnosed with ADD before putting him on medication. (He had no severe behavioral issues) after working with the school on a modified school plan.
In the best interest of her child's well being, she should be on medication. (Of course this is my opinion based on only the information I have received here)

[victorial]

Thank you for the input thus far.

I understand the concern re:the selling/disappearing meds. I highly, highly doubt that is an issue in this case. I know it is a widespread problem and some of my other clients...yes that would be the case, but not this one.

Mom is just truly torn over how "medicine" could be the answer. She would rather have child fight these hurdles herself I guess which I do agree with the pp who said it's a form of neglect. It's really sad. Sad for the mother/daughter relationship and sad for the child who has to constantly readjust to new care givers. Sad too that she is not liked by the other children and they groan when they hear that she is expected.

I think I will just say, "If you aren't going to give her the assistance she needs with controlling her behavior, you need to find a one on one situation for her care. My group care program is not the right spot at this time."

[daycare]

What you want to tell her sounds perfect!

[SimpleMom]

I understand not wanting to use the medication. Maybe she would qualify for an at home helper? Onene that would help to teach the child behavior as well as serious behavoir counseling would help a lot. Otherwise, if she wants to continue care with you, let her know she needs to use the medication consistently. I feel bad for the child being in so many different centers at such a young age

[Cat Herder]

It is also possible that she needs to change meds.

While on Adderal my son had horrible nightmares, could not eat, and had no joy in life. He did not laugh at jokes or smile hardly at all.

Vyvanse turned my son into a drone with a quick temper. NOT his usual personality. He is a clown/prankster by nature...

On Intuniv he is funny, happy, has a great appetite, a positive outlook, is able to hang out with/make new friends and still does exceptionally well at school.

Not every med will work the same on every child.

[wdmmom]

I'd be honest...meds or termination. The choice is hers. I'd be honest and tell her that without meds, you are no longer to provide the high level of care her child requires.

[Blackcat31]

Oh, I feel so sad for this mom. I can completely understand her thinking that medication cannot be the only answer. We had this same struggle with our own DS. My DH and I refused to medicate. Like Catherder said, meds work differently for every person and doses are important to. Children are difficult to medicate because as soon as you figure out what dosage and what medication works, their bodies change and it seems that you need to start all over again. This cycle is frustrating and exhausting for not only the child but the parents and caregivers as well.

Since my DH and I refused to medicate our son, (but also refused to be in denial about the help he needed) we began working closely with our pediatrition and a nutritionist and behavior counselor. We learned that many children who suffer from ADD/ADHD process fats and carbs in their diets differently than most people. We read alot about how diet and what we eat effect our learning and behaviors. We ultimately decided to try to treat his ADD with diet changes.

We found a nutritionist that worked with us in creating a tailor made diet for our son to help him manage his ADD. We changed his diet, helped him with tips and tricks to stay focused and have better time management and organizational skills. Behavior management must be done by ALL parties involved. My son, us, his teachers, his health-team, and anyone else who acted as the caregiver for him.

It was a long road but my son managed to graduate school, make friends and live a pretty normal life. He is beginning his 2nd year of college in a few weeks.

I won't lie. It wasn't and isn't easy. It was a long road of discovery, trial and error and some all out tears of frustration and exhaustion but I truly believe I did what was best for MY child by not medicating him.

If anyone is interested, here is a quick link that talks a bit about this.http://borntoexplore.org/nutrition.htm

[jen]

You may want to consider that people are giving her a hard time about medicating her child. My child is medicated and I often get very negative reactions for choosing to medicate. He isn't hyper, he is inattentive...people often think medication is the "easy" way out and infer that it is simply a lack of parenting. I've tried every alternative and unless I want the poor kid to flunk out of school medication in combination with a tutor and after school program are the only for him to find academic success.

FTR, we did try nutritional changes and found them not to be successful for our child, although we continue to closely monitor his diet, diet alone did not work for him.

[Cat Herder]

You may want to consider that people are giving her a hard time about medicating her child. My child is medicated and I often get very negative reactions for choosing to medicate. He isn't hyper, he is inattentive...people often think medication is the "easy" way out and infer that it is simply a lack of parenting. I've tried every alternative and unless I want the poor kid to flunk out of school medication in combination with a tutor and after school program are the only for him to find academic success.

FTR, we did try nutritional changes and found them not to be successful for our child, although we continue to closely monitor his diet, diet alone did not work for him.

I have gotten that before, too. My son is not on the hyper or disciplinary issue side of the spectrum either. My own parents were the worst to give me a hard time about having him diagnosed.

I am also ADD (I bet nobody here figured that out, yet, right...: once I got out of my parents house (who tried to spank and ground it out of me ) I got a diagnosis. It was empowering.

I went from C's in high school to a 4.0 in college with Adderal XR. Yep, I mailed EVERY report card home blown up into poster size at kinko's for the first few semesters to torment my Mom.

Your experience with your son sounds just like ours.

IME, Once your child has test scores to back up what you believe in your heart, the other parents can no longer make you feel like you are making the "easy" choice.

ADD is not a behavioral thing like many believe.

Behavioral issues are not always ADD, either.

[Kaddidle Care]

While I can understand the Mother not wanting a young child on medication, she has to realize that her child has a problem and she's expecting others to just deal with it.

Being exited from 20 facilities tells me the child has bigtime issues. While she needs to learn how to socialize properly with other children, she needs individual care - someone to constantly have an eye on her and only her. Group care isn't going to work as evidenced by her history.

She has a choice, medication, a Nanny or become a SAHM.

I chose not to medicate my child and it wasn't easy. First week of school there was always a phone call - that new adjustment to a new class never went well. There were calls and conferences during the year and while my child wasn't perfect, there was teasing and bullying that was allowed that shouldn't have been.

Thankfully as my son matured, he learned to cope better. By High School level I would go in for a conference and the Teachers would all look puzzled as to why I was there. He was an honor roll student. I would warn them that he has ADHD and when his typical melt down period was - it's always sometime in March. His Physics teacher told me "All boys have ADD!" :: He's found his niche somewhat and is studying Engineering. He's still not perfect but who is?

Let her go and enjoy being a Childcare Provider again.

[Mom&Provider]

That's tough. I feel for the Mom and her child...some children are harder to care for then others, especially when there are medical issues, and Mom must have some rough days too.

I know lots of parents don't want to medicate and that is totally something they need to decide on their own, so you throwing that at her might not be best, BUT I do get from you that you don't feel you can properly/safely care for this child with the issues at hand...that's ok...Mom needs to know that plain and simple.

I think what you already have thought of telling her is fair (I cannot provide the level of care your child needs), and I'd leave out the part of medicate your kid of don't come, since it is harsh and might very well upset her. Maybe talk to her about why in person and offer a pretty simply worded term letter?