New Mom Control Issues - Advice Appreciated

[hsdcmama]

I am a relatively new family child care provider. That being said, I am also a homeschooling mother of 3 kids ages 4, 7, and 9; I have been through many trials by fire raising my kids, including parenting a newborn, 3-year-old, and 5-year-old alone for a year while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. So I know just a little bit about raising kids & keeping a good attitude under stress.

I say all that to give some background for this situation:
I have a 4-month-old infant in my care. He has been here for 2 months. His parents are first-time parents, and naturally they are worried about everything. I can understand that, I've been there myself. However, I'm starting to feel a bit trampled on, and I'm not sure just how accommodating I am supposed to be in this situation.

Mom insists that I follow a strict feeding schedule, and she gets very upset if I am not able to stick to it 100%. For example: Baby is supposed to eat every 3 hours. On one particular morning, baby's scheduled feeding fell right when I needed to prepare breakfast for the other kids. Baby was asleep and content; 1-year-old was screaming because he was hungry. So I let baby sleep for an extra 20 mins while I got the other kids their breakfast. Mom has me tracking baby's feedings with an app that is synced to her phone, so she can see exactly when and how much baby is being fed. When she arrived to pick baby up, she was upset and asking why I let him go almost 4 hours in between feedings (it was actually 3-1/2 hours, but I chose not to split hairs). I explained the situation to her, but she was still upset and mentioned it again the next morning, asking me to please make sure he doesn't go past 3 hours. I'm sorry, but I have 6 other kids to care for; I have to constantly prioritize all their needs, and her child is not always going to come out on top.

I feel like she wants her child to get all my attention no matter what, just because he is an infant. Of course I make sure that he is fed and happy, changed when he needs to be, I rock him and play with him, etc -- just as I did with my own children when they were babies. This isn't my first rodeo, and it feels insulting being told what to do by a new parent. Yes it's her child, but it's my daycare, and I am not always going to be able to do things exactly the way she would like. The other kids' parents are also paying me to care for their children, and they need attention too.

I feel like it's an issue of trust more than anything -- do you trust me to care for your child? Do you really trust that I know what I'm doing and that I have your child's best interests in mind?

Has anyone else dealt with an issue like this? If so, how did you approach it? I hope I'm not overreacting. Thanks in advance.

[Heidi]

I think you need to have a serious talk with Mama.

First, assure her that you are really enjoying getting to know her baby, and that you are very happy to have him in your group. But, GROUP needs to be made clear here.

You are providing GROUP care (and she is paying for GROUP care). She needs to either trust you to do her job, or she needs to consider finding other care. Put it back on her.

[SignMeUp]

First of all, I would want to know why the 3 hour timeframe is that important. Is the baby underweight and the doctor wants that schedule followed? If so, you have to let the mom know how closely you can follow that.

And short of that, I'm sorry, but I would be tempted to tell the mom that you can no longer update by the app. No way should she be in control of your time like that -- not nearly as much when the baby eats, as your time in tracking this stuff to the minute.

It's your business; you provide a service. It includes certain things that you decide that it includes. This may be a booklet or note each day on when and what the baby ate, how many diapers, naptimes, etc. But for me, it would not include an app that allows the parent to control my decisions.

If it doesn't include that for you, you have to find a way to tell her this.

I hate when I get myself into a pickle like that too, but you can get out of it

[LysesKids]

Got one of those moms right now... after 30+ years of parenting/grandparenting & almost 14 of childcare, I think I can handle babies .

Be greatful she hasn't complained about taking off the shoes and socks (don't ask), oh no, I forgot to powder the tush (that's a biggie) or heaven forbid I let little man crawl on the deck (carpeted mind you) if he has shorts or worse, I let him play in a onsie like yesterday (she doesn't want boo boos on the knees so demands he wear pants if crawling - not happening)... it's between 84-90 degrees all week here and my porch is shaded. It was a big fight over first foods too... my homemade organic VS their gerber jarred; I won that battle after a month, still working on the others.

Personally I explain it's my business and my rules... you want to dictate exactly how I run, pay me more than a lousy $20 day or better yet, hire a nanny or someone that won't eventually show you the door. I am about ready to show her the door ( been 5 months) but need the $$ at moment due to low numbers

[daycare]

this mom needs to understand what group care is.............A lot of parents think that we work for them and that we attend to their request.

I would sit with mom and say..

define group care.....

here are the services I offer, here is the schedule I offer, does it work for you yes or no. If the answer is NO, then they need to give you your 30 days.

I would not have someone tracking and questioning my every move. At NNO time should one child's needs jeopardize the care, health or safety of the other children., At no time can one child's compromise the rest of the group.

I would be prepared for this family to leave. it sounds like they need a nanny, not a home group daycare

[hsdcmama]

First of all, I would want to know why the 3 hour timeframe is that important. Is the baby underweight and the doctor wants that schedule followed?

It's a 3-hour timeframe simply because mom wants it that way. He is perfectly healthy, no issues at all. He is breastfed, and she thinks that by him eating on a strict schedule he will get his calories in during the day and wake up less at night (guess what -- it doesn't work). I never fed my kids on any sort of schedule -- I followed their feeding cues and they ate when they were hungry. Yesterday I almost ran out of milk because he's going through a growth spurt and she didn't bring me enough bottles to accommodate his hunger.

Honestly, I feel like telling her that the only way she is going to get what she wants is to quit her job and stay home with him herself. I think I'm being more accommodating than most dc providers would be, especially since I purchased this app to track his feedings. I synced with her app as a courtesy, not so she could track my every move and let me know when she disapproves. It doesn't help that they are our next-door neighbors and friends.

[coolconfidentme]

She needs a nanny. The. End.

[crazydaycarelady]

If you cant afford to term her, and don't think you can train her, then tell her what she wants to hear and do what you need to do.

[TwinKristi]

Yeah looking back I should have termed a mom like this. She was very controlling and untrusting. She wrote me a 3 page letter about caring for her son and to watch him near electrical outlets and how I'll need to rock him to sleep... LOL I realized it was making me a nervous wreck to worry so much and they ended up terming so she could quit her job, get unemployment while they went on a month long vacation to Mexico during the holidays and then her mom watched him when she decided to go back to work!

I would definitely have a heart to heart and let her know he's one of 6 children in your care and they ALL need your time and attention which is why the state limits you to that many kids per adult. You can and do care for these children but having a strict feeding schedule for kicks when baby is perfectly content asleep and happy then you just can't accommodate her needs anymore. Infants are a dime a dozen around here and an infant spot is the easiest to fill. She sounds like she needs a nanny or to stay home.

[cheerfuldom]

If you cant afford to term her, and don't think you can train her, then tell her what she wants to hear and do what you need to do.

If it really is just a matter of a 30 minute window with feeding that did not put the babys safety or happiness at risk, I would have just entered the app time that I always entered. Baby was fine. I know that probably sounds bad but now you know, being honest down to the minute is going to make mom mad at you. I guess it just depends on how much else you are dealing with here.....if the baby is fitting in well and you are happy with the situation and it is just the app, i would just fill in the app details that she wants to see to keep her happy. you know that baby is feed and changed and content and if you dont want to replace him, I dont know.....I guess I dont see an issue with a little fib on the app. Someone is going to probably call me out on that comment LOL but that is how I feel. This is why I dont do daily sheets or apps for parents....it is always the crazy first time parents that are going to harass you over every diaper change.

[Unregistered]

If it really is just a matter of a 30 minute window with feeding that did not put the babys safety or happiness at risk, I would have just entered the app time that I always entered. Baby was fine. I know that probably sounds bad but now you know, being honest down to the minute is going to make mom mad at you. I guess it just depends on how much else you are dealing with here.....if the baby is fitting in well and you are happy with the situation and it is just the app, i would just fill in the app details that she wants to see to keep her happy. you know that baby is feed and changed and content and if you dont want to replace him, I dont know.....I guess I dont see an issue with a little fib on the app. Someone is going to probably call me out on that comment LOL but that is how I feel. This is why I dont do daily sheets or apps for parents....it is always the crazy first time parents that are going to harass you over every diaper change.

That's what my husband said to do, .

[LysesKids]

I stopped doing infant sheets years ago and just give verbal updates; I tell them I have enough paperwork already and they are paying me to watch their child, not fill out forms. If I was not license exempt, i would have to do it, but since i don't have to, I REFUSE. I also would never buy or sync an app just to make a parent happy...

[Unregistered]

Yeah looking back I should have termed a mom like this. She was very controlling and untrusting. She wrote me a 3 page letter about caring for her son and to watch him near electrical outlets and how I'll need to rock him to sleep... LOL I realized it was making me a nervous wreck to worry so much and they ended up terming so she could quit her job, get unemployment while they went on a month long vacation to Mexico during the holidays and then her mom watched him when she decided to go back to work!

I would definitely have a heart to heart and let her know he's one of 6 children in your care and they ALL need your time and attention which is why the state limits you to that many kids per adult. You can and do care for these children but having a strict feeding schedule for kicks when baby is perfectly content asleep and happy then you just can't accommodate her needs anymore. Infants are a dime a dozen around here and an infant spot is the easiest to fill. She sounds like she needs a nanny or to stay home.

This mom also brought me a 3-page typed letter about how to feed him, comfort him, etc. It even had a chart of what temps and for how long you can keep breastmilk in the fridge & freezer. I was like, "Aww, that's cute..." Haha. This whole thing is made more complicated by the fact that this family lives right next door, and we have been friends for a couple of years. I don't think they realize how good they have it being able to walk next door to drop off & pick up their child.

[racemom]

If it really is just a matter of a 30 minute window with feeding that did not put the babys safety or happiness at risk, I would have just entered the app time that I always entered. Baby was fine. I know that probably sounds bad but now you know, being honest down to the minute is going to make mom mad at you. I guess it just depends on how much else you are dealing with here.....if the baby is fitting in well and you are happy with the situation and it is just the app, i would just fill in the app details that she wants to see to keep her happy. you know that baby is feed and changed and content and if you dont want to replace him, I dont know.....I guess I dont see an issue with a little fib on the app. Someone is going to probably call me out on that comment LOL but that is how I feel. This is why I dont do daily sheets or apps for parents....it is always the crazy first time parents that are going to harass you over every diaper change.

My thoughts exactly! Sometimes you just need to tell mom what she wants to hear. Yes, I followed your schedule to the second!

[hope]

It doesn't have to be uncomfortable bc they are neighbors and friends. You can tell her that group care doesn't work that way and they may need a nanny. You are not telling them that you don't like them. You are not telling them that their baby is difficult. You are just telling them that what they are asking for is not what you are able to provide. Tell them you feel bad about it and if they are good friends they will understand. You can also have a heart to heart and explain how first time moms are and that she may have a case of this. Lol!