Playing Doctor

[Guest]

hi, I would appreciate any advice, insight people may have about this. My husband and I have a 4 year old daughter in daycare. She is there 3 days per week. She is very curious and bright, as lots of preschoolers are. On several occasions she has asked other children at daycare to play doctor. She wants to see their privates, has never touched another child. Her daycare provider is very upset about it and is not allowing her to be with other children out of her sight. My husband and I have been parenting for 19 years. I reinforce the daycare rules, but beyond that have chalked it up to being developmentally appropriate. We have books and anatomically correct dolls she can play with at home. I gave our provider some written info about this being okay in preschoolers, but again told her that we would definitely reinforce her rules. Since then, though, our provider seems short with us. She isn't as friendly and the other day our daughter said, "Ashley, (our provider's own daughter) called me a brat. She said her mom thinks I am a brat too." (Our daughter doesn't know what a brat is and didn't seem put down by it. She just reported it matter-of-factly.)

I was heartbroken, but didn't want to assume that I was getting the correct story. You know how kids can be, but over time, it is bothering me a lot. I am thinking of giving our 2 week notice. Am I overreacting?

Just as an aside, our girl is spirited, but my husband and I insist on respectful behavior. She has clear limits and we are consistent with them. No one has ever thought she was a brat. On the contrary, she can be very sweet and kind, especially to younger children. Thank you very much.

[Unregistered]

Ignorant Daycare Providers

Give the two week notice. Don't question your daughter or yourself. This provider seems to be insensitive to others and her own daughter reinforces it.

Find the daycare that is best suited for your daughter. It is natural for children to be inquisitive but this operator seems to have issues and you don't want your child to think badly of herself. Move her out ASAP.

[Former Teacher]

I see both sides...

From the providers point of view, she has to mind the other children, whose parents might not like the idea of the children playing doctor. You say that your daughter has never touched another child. Do you know that for a fact? If the provider isn’t watching them, does she know for a fact? As a former provider I can see the caregivers point of view. However instead of separating your daughter, maybe the best course of action would be more supervision. With the caregiver firmly telling the children not to show each other privates etc…

While I applaud you for being so open about your daughters body, I don’t think giving her information was appropriate. It seems to me from your post that you really didn’t listen to the provider since as you say you “chalked it up”. There really isn’t much you can do other than tell your daughter that playing doctor isn’t for at school. The provider on the other hand can also state that playing doctor isn’t for at school.

As for the name calling, she’s 4 years old. Has she gotten along with Ashley before? Granted you might not have called her the brat name but maybe she heard it from the TV or something like that. Kids hear things all the time. I’m not saying that Ashley didn’t say it, but who knows? Kids will be kids.

And one final note and please don’t take this the wrong way but allowing to your daughter to keep on asking her friends to show their privates isn’t “respectful behavior”. Just be more firm with her and the provider. Then if the provider doesn’t respect your wishes THEN talk about a 2 week notice. JMO

[Unregistered]

Playing doctor always makes me nervous, as a parent and a provider. The kids are never allowed to play doctor without direct supervision (ie can't play it if I'm getting lunch ready, changing a diaper, etc). They don't realize this, but I make it a point for myself as a provider...think of the liability issues that could come about. None of my kids have ever talked about their private parts while playing doctor. I understand it is completely developmentally appropriate, however, in a child care setting, it should not be allowed. The kids can play doctor and check each other's ears, mouth, knees, pretend to weight each other, etc. The provider is right to put a stop to having your daughter ask about seeing the other children's private areas. If I were her provider, she'd be warned, given a time out if she continues, and if it still persists, then she simply would not be allowed to play that anymore and I would tell you about it every time it happened so you would no that it can't continue. The first time my kids played doctor (we don't even have any doctor toys), I informed the parents that day and told them how the kids were playing so they were aware that nothing inappropriate was said/done. Try to put yourself in the providers shoes and the other parents shoes. Would you like it if another kid kept asking your child to see her privates? I know I wouldn't.

Your provider might be short with you because you gave her info on what is age appropriate. She's probably offended, I know I would be. If you think she doesn't know that already, then I would question why you have your daughter there in the first place.

As far as your daughter being called a brat...the only way you'll find out is if you confront the provider.

If you aren't comfortable with the provider, then switch. But you need to remember, it's the provider who is responsible for everything that goes on. Kids can't always do what they do at home at the provider's place because she can be help liable for it. I don't let the kids run up the slide because someone might get hurt. Sure it's fun, but I'm not going risk it. Same thing with doctor.

[lilbiddapopcorn]

Touchy subject (no pun intended)

OK i'm just throwing this out there as a scenario for you to consider so you can see the effects this kind of thing might have on a provider because this is what happened to me.

I had a little girl in my daycare who was 5 years old. She liked to play the doctor game too, and she, too asked other kids to see their privates. Now, it's normal for kids to get curious about it, I get that. She was otherwise respectful, sweet, listened well, excluding this sex play curiousity she was experiencing, she seemed like the perfect child to have in a daycare. I saw them playing doctor and noticed her getting a little...too "touchy feely" with the other kids and I ended the game - permanently. Well she got scared because one of the other children told their mom she asked to see their privates (something I had not overheard her asking.) And she proceeded to make up a story about how someone else at daycare "played with her peepee" as she put it. She came clean about what she'd done and that she'd lied, but it tore everything about my life apart - literally. And the damage has not yet been repaired.

She's your daughter and i'm not saying she'd do anything like this. I'm saying as providers, the subject of sex at all in daycare terrifies us, because it puts us in an awkward position and God forbid someone say she allowed sex play in her daycare. And let's be honest, it only takes one child to make up a story to ruin a provider. So if your provider seems upset by this, she's got every reason to be.

[mac60]

I would not tolerate playing this kind of doctor in my daycare. It is not normal behavior in a group setting. No pulling shirts up, pants down, none of that. Now my dc kids love to play hairstylist and pretend to do each others hair....that is normal to me. There were some good answers on this thread. Take them to heart.

[GretasLittleFriends]

Somewhere (goodwill?) my parents found a (slightly damaged) stethoscope. My 4yr old son loves this. He and my 3 1/2 yr old dc boy often listen to each others' hearts THROUGH their shirts.

For my son's 4th b-day he received a Vet hospital toy. It's the Parent's brand one, came with 4 animals, 6 cages (in one carry box thing) and some pretend vet/dr toys. I encourage them to use these toys on the animals, however, they get bored because the animals can't open their mouths and say "ahhh". Sometimes they take each others underarm temp with the fake thermometer over their clothes, and look in each others ears, eyes and mouths.

I feel this is completely normal for children, as they're mimicking what happens in real life. I am always in the room when they're playing doctor, but the way my house is set up, they are always in sight anyway. And of course being pre-school boys they typically only play for 5 maybe 10 minutes, then they're on to the next activity.

Of course they also play mechanic with their bicycles, and fix-it men, restaurant, pirates & peter pan, they pretend they are puppies or kitties, they build castles, and all those normal things children do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't see anything wrong with playing doctor as long as ground rules are set and those that can't follow the rules are punished the way any breaker of any rule would be punished. And of course, if it got to be a problem, I would likely put the kibosh on the activity and take the vet set away if I had to.

[Unregistered]

quite a few years ago before i got my dc license i was watching a 5 yr old little boy. he was a neighbor and his dc provider had quit and i was keeping him until they found a new provider. he never gave me any problems. well one day my sil came over with a 5 yr old girl she was watching for a few months. they were playing together great and then went back into a bedroom to play along with my 3 yr old daughter. there were toys back there they wanted to play with. myself and sil were in lr talking and i noticed it got quiet so i went to check on them. the little boy had pulled down his pants and the little girl was getting ready to touch. (the little girl's mom really was a doctor) thank goodness i went in when i did. so now the kids are not allowed out of the living room/dining room area unless i am with them. so you just cant be too careful when it comes to things like that.

[tinytotzdaycare]

doctor

this is such a tough subject, but I too DO NOT ALLOW any doctor play inder the clothing or private area..its never been an issue they just pretend the others leg is hurt or arm is broken..sometime they cut their finger.... I have never even had to deal with that extreme...thank goodness.

I would make it clear it is not acceptable and them for my own records I would be documenting these incidents and making parents sign them so that I save my own butt later if there was a prob.

[jen]

Ewww...sorry, this isn't appropriate behavior at daycare. If another parent complained it could RUIN your provider...professionally, finacially, you name it. I'm sure she is feeling short with you because of your failure to recognize the horrible situation this puts her in. Giving her information on developmentally appropriate behavior wasn't the answer. I'm so sorry, we will talk to her, we will make sure that she understands her boundaries would have gone a long way to reassuring your provider...she needs to know that your understand the seriousness of this issue..and really, you don't sound as though you do.

To be honest, I don't think a preschooler really needs anatomically correct dolls.

[AmandasFCC]

I agree, I would not allow this type of play in my daycare simply because of liability issues and how it can possibly be turned around into a sexual assault problem. I think, as a parent, if you feel it's ok for your daughter to play these games then she can do it on weekends with her friends under YOUR supervision.

I understand where you were coming from in giving your provider information about the subject, it may not have been the most sensitive thing to do. We too as providers have LOTS of information. I'm sure the issue wasn't that she doesn't think it's developmentally appropriate, the problem is she's not comfortable with it, and in this day and age, with people as sue-happy as they are, you can't really blame her. And putting her education and policies in question the way you inadvertently did certainly would have put ME on the defensive as well.

I think what you need to do is respect her boundaries, reinforce her rules when your child is going to HER house and move on.

[ConcernedMotherof2]

Respecting boundaries

I agree, I would not allow this type of play in my daycare simply because of liability issues and how it can possibly be turned around into a sexual assault problem. I think, as a parent, if you feel it's ok for your daughter to play these games then she can do it on weekends with her friends under YOUR supervision.

I understand where you were coming from in giving your provider information about the subject, it may not have been the most sensitive thing to do. We too as providers have LOTS of information. I'm sure the issue wasn't that she doesn't think it's developmentally appropriate, the problem is she's not comfortable with it, and in this day and age, with people as sue-happy as they are, you can't really blame her. And putting her education and policies in question the way you inadvertently did certainly would have put ME on the defensive as well.

I think what you need to do is respect her boundaries, reinforce her rules when your child is going to HER house and move on.

Amanda, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned respecting her boundaries. And just as important, it is a very appropriate time to teach the child to respect the boundaries of everyone else. It is never appropriate for children to touch each other or let others touch them. While it's natural for them to be curious, the presentation of that curiosity is the perfect time for parents to step in and guide them in the right direction. Example: it is ok to ask mommy and daddy anything, but there are some things that we do not discuss outside of the home.

This mother sounds like she really has it together and just wants to be open and honest with her child, so as not to foster any sort of shame. Being the mother of a boy and a girl who are very close in age, the same issue has come up within my home and I've thankfully (thusfar) been able to guide them in the direction that I believe is appropriate and I haven't had to deal with them exhibiting their curiosity at daycare or at school. The fact that this thread was labeled "sex play" is nauseating, though... as NO form of sex play is appropriate for children.

On the dc note, those sorts of lessons are to be learned at home. I wouldn't want my children learning anything about their anatomy or anyone else's from anyone else. It really doesn't matter what the dc provider's view is on this, so long as we respect each other's boundaries and I teach my children to do the same.

[tinytotzdaycare]

I agree

I agree that maybe the thread could have been labled "playing doctor"...

[Michael]

I agree and have changed it to Playing Doctor.

[tinytotzdaycare]

thanks!

thanks michael for changing the name of the thread