3 Yr Old Refuses to Clean Up For Lunch

[Pandaluver21]

Ok, I'm out of ideas!
I have a three year old that has been consistently refusing to clean up for lunch. He will clean up just fine the rest of the time, but come lunch time (even if I don't tell him that is next) he will tell me "no" "uh uh" or shake his head. He ASKS to go to timeout or bed or anything that will make him not have to clean up. Its not even that he wants to keep playing. I have no idea why he refuses to clean up. I ask him and he says "I'm still playing" but that's not actually it. If I do end up putting him in timeout, he says "ow my -insert random body part-" every time and that's a scary thing in this job! I can't refuse him food, but either he doesn't eat or I give in and clean it for him so he can eat. He is VERY used to everyone doing everything for him unfortunately. He only comes 2 days a week and not together so I don't have the option to just leave it out for the next day... Help?!?!?!

[Snowmom]

When it's time to clean up, try running a contest.

"Fastest picker-upper gets to choose lunch plates for everyone."

"The person who cleans up the most toys gets to hand out silverware."

"The one who cleans up the most while singing a song gets to pick out snack today."

[Blackcat31]

I'd handle it like this:

When it's time to clean up and he says he doesn't want to tell him he doesn't have to. He can sit quietly (NOT in time out) and wait while the others clean up. He can come sit for lunch with everyone else.

When every one is seated for lunch I would give every kid that cleaned up without issue a "treat" (here that is 4-5 M&M's or Gummy Bears) they can eat them as soon as they are done with lunch. (Don't give the treats out if it'll hamper your kid's eating....mine all understand 'after you eat'....)

He will more than likely protest.
Just calmly tell him "You can choose to clean up tomorrow before lunch" and then move on.
NO additional discussion. Change the subject if necessary.

I have found that most kids crave, love and seek attention in LOTS of different ways. Negative or positive the attention is all the same to a kid. So instead of giving him attention for not complying, give the kids that did comply the rewards.

It really does work!

[Pandaluver21]

At the risk of sounding "unteachable" (which I know it totally does, but that is not at all my intention) I feel like I have tried EVERYTHING! Nothing phases him.

I can not just leave it for other kids to clean up, because we have a "one toy out at a time" rule (set up in centers, as we are a preschool program), so most often it is something he took out or is playing with and needs to put back. The other kids are cleaning up the toy they took out.

The first day this happened I tried everything. Time out, rewarding, talking to him, helping him, asking him, telling him, ignoring him, etc. none of those phased him. Now I completely ignore it. I ask him to clean up and don't even look his way (Because he likes to make sure I see him shake his head no)
Then I go about the day with the other kids.
I can either ignore him and let him sit until nap (missing lunch) which still means he doesn't' clean it up.
Or just do it for him. If I do it for him, he's perfectly content with that and goes about his day.

We give the kids 3-4 chocolate chips or something similar, after they eat their lunch. Have been for a while. He does not get his if he doesn't clean up. He doesn't care.

He is only coming two days a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays) he wakes up every day and just screams or talks or sings or cries or whines until I go in there and tell him to stop, then starts again the second I leave his sight. If I have anyone else sleeping they wake up to that...


His babysitter picked him up today and I let her know how his day went. She said he is the same for her, nothing phases him. She said she will literally have to put him back to bed 25 times and he doesn't care.
He didn't used to be like this. He was "2" but was actually pretty well behaved for a 2yr old (other than being used to people doing things for him) I'm just confused as to why things have changed so dramatically! :confused:

[storybookending]

I would leave him sit there. Plate his food and tell him he can come to the table and join his friends after he puts his toy away. If he sits there until nap so be it, the food was offered but he chose not to comply and come to the table. Put him down for nap as normal if he decides to be stubborn and not pick up and when he wakes up he puts the toy away or he doesn’t get another and has to sit by it. Pay him as little attention as possible.

[Josiegirl]

What if you change his routine before lunch? Everyone else can play centers since they're good about picking up but put him at the table with a book or a single toy and tell him why.

Sometimes when kids are so stubborn about picking up, I'll just let the others pick up their share and have the stubborn child sit there until they pick up but it doesn't sound like he'll give in. Is he tired by that point? Is it just the one time of day he gets like that?
I've had such a time this summer with a 4 and 5 yo that I resorted to trying the chocolate chips reward of Blackcat. But it hasn't worked out that well and I polished off the bag last night.

[Blackcat31]

I would give him ONE toy then.
Your choice as to what/which toy.

That is the ONLY toy he gets.
No one else can play with it.

When it's lunch time and time to clean up, tell him to "set his toy here (wherever you want him to store it) so it
s there later when he wants to play with it and so the other kids don't get it. Careful not to say buzz words /phrases like "clean up" but instead use wording such as "set it here" or "put it up here".

I know it's just semantics but it makes a BIG difference
ie...we say "Rest time" here verses "nap time" as the kids know the word nap and to them it means or signals "war" or "power struggle".

Then tell him to come to lunch.
.....he might not say no at this point simply because you are telling him to "put it here" not "clean up"...kwim? He'll think it's to keep it from the other kids etc or think his toy is "special".

If he doesn't comply with picking it up then you do it.
Have him eat lunch and carry on with the remainder of your day. Don't talk about it, try to discuss it or mention it.

If other kids ask about his toy, tell them "It's Johnny's now go play" etc... The least amount of talk and attention the better.

When it IS play time allow DCB to have his ONE toy and NOTHING else. Group participation and school work not included in the off limits activities.....just play time.

Until it bothers/annoys or upsets him he is not going to change. He is enjoying this power struggle but is showing you he is not old enough or mature enough to play with more than one toy. He is showing you that cleaning up the toys is too much for him and beyond his scope of abilities.

I would listen to what he is showing you.

[hwichlaz]

I would leave him sit there. Plate his food and tell him he can come to the table and join his friends after he puts his toy away. If he sits there until nap so be it, the food was offered but he chose not to comply and come to the table. Put him down for nap as normal if he decides to be stubborn and not pick up and when he wakes up he puts the toy away or he doesn’t get another and has to sit by it. Pay him as little attention as possible.

This is exactly what I'd do. I'd have his food ready. He can choose to put the toy away and eat....or not.

I'd also pick one toy for him to play with before that time of day approaches. He can't get another until he's put it away.

[Cat Herder]

I would leave him sit there. Plate his food and tell him he can come to the table and join his friends after he puts his toy away. If he sits there until nap so be it, the food was offered but he chose not to comply and come to the table. Put him down for nap as normal if he decides to be stubborn and not pick up and when he wakes up he puts the toy away or he doesn’t get another and has to sit by it. Pay him as little attention as possible.

At 3, this is what I'd do, too.

[Blackcat31]

I would leave him sit there. Plate his food and tell him he can come to the table and join his friends after he puts his toy away. If he sits there until nap so be it, the food was offered but he chose not to comply and come to the table. Put him down for nap as normal if he decides to be stubborn and not pick up and when he wakes up he puts the toy away or he doesn’t get another and has to sit by it. Pay him as little attention as possible.

I'd be issued a correction order for not allowing him to come to lunch/eat.

I can't say he "chose" not to come as 3 yr olds don't have decision making skills to act in their best interests regarding their basic needs.

I can allow him to have a choice for anything other than his basic needs.

What OP has described is how I ended up in child care. The child's action as she posted is MY child.
He would have held out forever if given the opportunity. Even if it meant a negative outcome for him.

It was the power struggle that interested him and nothing else.
He literally would have starved himself to death....just to win.

[Cat Herder]

I'd be issued a correction order for not allowing him to come to lunch/eat.

I can't say he "chose" not to come as 3 yr olds don't have decision making skills to act in their best interests regarding their basic needs. .

It is so crazy how differently each state views things. I can be written up for "forcing" him to come to the table or excluding him from treats. Telling him to come to the table when he is finished cleaning his toys and washing his hands would be the expected action. It follows the posted schedule. :: If he were two I'd be expected to go model cleaning up WITH him.

Heck, I can be written up for using food as a reward.

[Blackcat31]

It is so crazy how differently each state views things. I can be written up for "forcing" him to come to the table or excluding him from treats. Telling him to come to the table when he is finished cleaning his toys and washing his hands would be the expected action. It follows the posted schedule. :: If he were two I'd be expected to go model cleaning up WITH him.

Heck, I can be written up for using food as a reward.

Darned if we do and darned if we don't.

Thinking, had the idea come from a licensor, it would probably be perfectly acceptable but since a provider initiated it, then it's a bad idea.

[Cat Herder]

Darned if we do and darned if we don't.

Thinking, had the idea come from a licensor, it would probably be perfectly acceptable but since a provider initiated it, then it's a bad idea.

Nailed it. :::: No worries, though. They will change it to the opposite plan next year.

[Ariana]

At two days a week I would let it go and have hd to do so many times! There is literally nothing you can do by yourself to change this. Especially since he has more than one caregiver. For your own peace of mind just let it go and let him do his thing.

If other kids say “why isn’t tommy doing it” let it be a lesson in how everyone chooses their actions and you are proud of them for choosing good actions, tommy is not choosing good actions.

[Pandaluver21]

Well I got a message from mom today that says she is enrolling him in the county preschool (Which is a slap in the face, since we are a preschool...) but I'm assuming because it's free and we're not :P
She is also asking to go down to ONE day.
Bye bye