6wk Old Died At Home - I Have 3yr Old Sibling

[Christina72684]

I've had this 3.5 year old girl since she was barely walking. Real sweet girl, very shy, still sucks her thumb at nap time, but very well behaved. Her mom had a baby 6 weeks ago and he was going to start coming W and F to my daycare until the government funding kicked in and he would be full time. He came Wednesday this week and was just fine. He ate slowly like most infants do, napped, pooped, cried some, etc. Everything seemed fine. He did have a little bit of a wheeze sometimes but nothing to worry about. Then Thursday afternoon I get a call from grandma (who we see more than mom, they all live together, mom is only like 22). I could barely understand her because she was crying and our phone sucks, but she said the baby died. I asked what happened and got bits and pieces, but later found out that the baby was home with mom's boyfriend (who isn't the baby's dad, he left when he found out she was pregnant) and was laying face down on the corner of their bed. So I don't know if he suffocated or what, but it doesn't sound good. Plus this guy is like a big kid himself, so who knows how much he was really paying attention. Anyway, grandma was in total shock and said they would be by to pick up the 3yr old later. I told her no rush, she could stay after hours or all night no charge, we are here to do anything to help. She told me not to say anything to anyone, especially the 3yr old. The mom and grandma came and picked her up a few hours later, and you could tell they had been crying all day. The 3yr old didn't really pick up on the fact that anything was wrong, and I honestly don't know if she's really going to understand. She might be a little slow mentally, not autistic or handicapped in any way, but may need help in school when she's older. I'm not sure if when they tell her what happened if she will understand. Of course she didn't come yesterday. The funeral is Sunday and we're going to show our support. I just feel absolutely terrible for these people. CPS came out and talked to the girl a few minutes after I found out, but I'm not sure if anything is going to happen or not, it may be routine. I want to be there for them and help in any way I can, but I honestly don't know what to do or say.

Has anyone ever had a similar situation? Do you talk to the child about it or act like everything is fine? I'm 29 years old and have only had 1 family member die and that was back in 1995. I don't know how to handle this situation and have no clue what this poor family is going through. I want to be prepared for Monday, but don't know what to do.

[SignMeUp]

I am so sorry

That is tragic. I am so sorry for you, for them, for everyone.

I would hope that the family might give you a bit of guidance, at least as to what they have told their little girl. They may or may not be able to though. People handle death in a wide variety of ways, some more healthy than others, some based on culture, etc.

You could try gently asking them what the little one knows. Again, they may or may not even be able to speak, you know?

If nothing is said, and if you don't feel you can ask, then I would take cues from the little girl. Hold her a lot; physical comfort and a feeling of safety are important. That may be the biggest thing at first, and you can do that, and probably want to do that.

If the little one gives you an opening, you can reinforce in only the most simple terms. Yes, sweetheart, your baby brother died, and people feel sad. How do you feel? Possibly help her find words: sad, confused, etc.
Let her know that all of her grown-ups will help her.

How you handle it initially will change from how you handle it over time, depending on if she stays with you, and what her ability level is, as well as how her family handles it. Many families seek counseling for their child, as well as for themselves, and possibly they will be open to that after a bit.

There are good children's books too, but right now this little girl might not need to be overloaded. She may be more needing comfort and safety, you know?

Added this: Also, children process death differently than adults. They will play normally one minute and need comfort the next. Let her play if she wants to play; it is healing. Normal life is healing, so let her have that. Children come and go from feeling the grief intensely, where adults dwell in it more.

[Mom of 4]

I've had this 3.5 year old girl since she was barely walking. Real sweet girl, very shy, still sucks her thumb at nap time, but very well behaved. Her mom had a baby 6 weeks ago and he was going to start coming W and F to my daycare until the government funding kicked in and he would be full time. He came Wednesday this week and was just fine. He ate slowly like most infants do, napped, pooped, cried some, etc. Everything seemed fine. He did have a little bit of a wheeze sometimes but nothing to worry about. Then Thursday afternoon I get a call from grandma (who we see more than mom, they all live together, mom is only like 22). I could barely understand her because she was crying and our phone sucks, but she said the baby died. I asked what happened and got bits and pieces, but later found out that the baby was home with mom's boyfriend (who isn't the baby's dad, he left when he found out she was pregnant) and was laying face down on the corner of their bed. So I don't know if he suffocated or what, but it doesn't sound good. Plus this guy is like a big kid himself, so who knows how much he was really paying attention. Anyway, grandma was in total shock and said they would be by to pick up the 3yr old later. I told her no rush, she could stay after hours or all night no charge, we are here to do anything to help. She told me not to say anything to anyone, especially the 3yr old. The mom and grandma came and picked her up a few hours later, and you could tell they had been crying all day. The 3yr old didn't really pick up on the fact that anything was wrong, and I honestly don't know if she's really going to understand. She might be a little slow mentally, not autistic or handicapped in any way, but may need help in school when she's older. I'm not sure if when they tell her what happened if she will understand. Of course she didn't come yesterday. The funeral is Sunday and we're going to show our support. I just feel absolutely terrible for these people. CPS came out and talked to the girl a few minutes after I found out, but I'm not sure if anything is going to happen or not, it may be routine. I want to be there for them and help in any way I can, but I honestly don't know what to do or say.

Has anyone ever had a similar situation? Do you talk to the child about it or act like everything is fine? I'm 29 years old and have only had 1 family member die and that was back in 1995. I don't know how to handle this situation and have no clue what this poor family is going through. I want to be prepared for Monday, but don't know what to do.

OMG I am very sorry for your loss and for everyone!

[Josiegirl]

Oh that's so sad, I'm really sorry, for everyone.
As far as what to tell a 3 yo, I'd try to follow their lead and not say too much. If dcg brings it up, just tell her it's a very sad thing and the baby will be missed. Maybe even talk to dcgrandma(since she's the one you see most often) and ask for guidance. Expect and be prepared for some acting out because a 3 yo just doesn't know how to handle all the emotions she'll be feeling and witnessing.

Just offer her extra cuddling, more quiet moments with you, as much attention as you possibly can.There isn't a lot to say to an adult at moments like these, and kids mostly need to feel safe and loved, they need to know everybody else isn't going to disappear from their lives.

[NightOwl]

Wow. I'm so sorry. I have experience with a baby dying. It sounds like, in this case, there was some negligence. 6 week olds should never be face down to sleep, for any reason. Or on a bed. I'm betting this boyfriend will be arrested and face manslaughter charges at the least.
I would find out when dcg is returning. Then have a meeting with mom/gma prior to that to discuss what they told dcg and how they would like you to approach it with her. I know this is a horrible thing and you don't want to add any stress to the mom, but it's very important to take into consideration how to handle this with dcg.

[NightOwl]

May I ask what state you live in? I want to look it up to see if there's any info.

[Heidi]

9We had a similar situation in our family, only our niece was 8 months old.

My sister's family (boy almost 4, and girl 9, and baby and mom and dad) were at their rustic cabin. Baby was still sleeping in the make-shift bed they had for her (not crawling yet). Rest of the family had been up for a while, baby was sleeping in.

My sis said to 10yo-"hey, go get baby, so we can run into town and get some eggs for breakfast"

10 yo ran in, came back a few minutes later and said "something is wrong with baby".

When my sister got there, she found a plastic bag near baby (later determined that 9yo had taken it off her), and she was not breathing. She started CPR, family ran to phone to get EMS, etc. Med flight came, they continued CPR throughout the flight. No one wanted to be the one to give up.

She didn't ever come back. They let my sister hold her for several hours, continuing to put warm blankets around her, until she was ready to let her go (well, physically, anyway). The sheriff and CPS came to talk to her at the hospital.

Once they got home, my sister crawled into bed for a good 24 hours. Her husband took a hammer to most of the things in his garage/man cave. We comforted the children.

My sister crawled out of bed once arrangements had to be made. Since she was in another county, there were some details (and they actually lost her for a little while). Luckily, the coroner made the mistake of calling her "the body", which pissed my sister off enough to make her snap out of it a little and take charge (that's how she rolls).

After the funeral, she did take both children to grief counseling, and they attended a camp for children who'd lost a sibling. All this helped enormously! My nephew had trouble with helicopters for a while; he equated them to the trauma. My niece still has some issues because she was older, remembers more, and was the one who found her. She's 24 now. Tuesday will be the 15 anniversary of this horrible thing.

CPS and the sheriff's dept both dropped their investigations. Part of me always thought it was to save the other children from the ordeal, and also from the very small possibility that they might be somehow responsible. Not saying they are; but if a careless child had caused the accident, it would serve no one to know that.

If you want to help the family, follow up a little bit after the fact. Sometimes there's a lot of "I'll help" at first, and then people sort of get over it. Remember baby on his birthday next year. That will mean a lot! As the years pass, the pain will lessen, but it'll help the family to know he isn't forgotten.

You might also try to find grief resources for the little girl in your area, if you think that would help, or you notice that they haven't been referred.

[midaycare]

Oh I'm sorry. That is heartbreaking. No words.

[midaycare]

9We had a similar situation in our family, only our niece was 8 months old.

My sister's family (boy almost 4, and girl 9, and baby and mom and dad) were at their rustic cabin. Baby was still sleeping in the make-shift bed they had for her (not crawling yet). Rest of the family had been up for a while, baby was sleeping in.

My sis said to 10yo-"hey, go get baby, so we can run into town and get some eggs for breakfast"

10 yo ran in, came back a few minutes later and said "something is wrong with baby".

When my sister got there, she found a plastic bag near baby (later determined that 9yo had taken it off her), and she was not breathing. She started CPR, family ran to phone to get EMS, etc. Med flight came, they continued CPR throughout the flight. No one wanted to be the one to give up.

She didn't ever come back. They let my sister hold her for several hours, continuing to put warm blankets around her, until she was ready to let her go (well, physically, anyway). The sheriff and CPS came to talk to her at the hospital.

Once they got home, my sister crawled into bed for a good 24 hours. Her husband took a hammer to most of the things in his garage/man cave. We comforted the children.

My sister crawled out of bed once arrangements had to be made. Since she was in another county, there were some details (and they actually lost her for a little while). Luckily, the coroner made the mistake of calling her "the body", which pissed my sister off enough to make her snap out of it a little and take charge (that's how she rolls).

After the funeral, she did take both children to grief counseling, and they attended a camp for children who'd lost a sibling. All this helped enormously! My nephew had trouble with helicopters for a while; he equated them to the trauma. My niece still has some issues because she was older, remembers more, and was the one who found her. She's 24 now. Tuesday will be the 15 anniversary of this horrible thing.

CPS and the sheriff's dept both dropped their investigations. Part of me always thought it was to save the other children from the ordeal, and also from the very small possibility that they might be somehow responsible. Not saying they are; but if a careless child had caused the accident, it would serve no one to know that.

If you want to help the family, follow up a little bit after the fact. Sometimes there's a lot of "I'll help" at first, and then people sort of get over it. Remember baby on his birthday next year. That will mean a lot! As the years pass, the pain will lessen, but it'll help the family to know he isn't forgotten.

You might also try to find grief resources for the little girl in your area, if you think that would help, or you notice that they haven't been referred.

I'm so sorry for your family, also.

[midaycare]

Not the same thing, but DH lost a child with his first wife. I'm wife #2. The baby was born at 24 weeks, lived 3 days, and died. It was 15 years ago and he is still not over it. You don't get over it. You just go on.

[KiddieCahoots]

I'm sorry, so sad.

My cousin died of SIDS when he was an infant. His older brother was 3yrs at the time. I was just a child myself. What I do remember was my 3yr old cousin talking about it openly, and matter-of-factly.
It was my aunt that was traumatized, and needed support from others. To the point of calling family on the phone and hanging up once we answered. She did this repeatedly for the first year afterward. She was home alone with the baby and toddler when the incident happened, and we believed she needed to feel the presence of others for awhile to get through it.

Don't know if you can truly be prepared on how to handle a situation like this until you get a feel or see how the family is coping.

Just what your doing...caring, and showing your support in being there for them will help.

[nannyde]

Christina this may get ugly so be prepared.

The number one risk to a baby is the moms boyfriend.

If you need any help you can call me. Ok?

[SilverSabre25]

oh, what a horrendous tragic thing. My heart goes out to you and everyone else involved. My heart goes out to everyone else who has had dealt with similar tragedies

Not the same at all but a year before DH was born his family lost a baby girl; birth accident/negligent doctor. His parents had to make the impossible decision to take her off life support. She lived for four days and was buried on Christmas Eve. The only photos they have of her are in the coffin (which strikes me as...morbid...) his mom never had time to get over it; she gave birth to DH 1 year, 1 month, and 1 day later. He has a congenital heart defect and she has always said that his heart is broken because hers was

[Blackcat31]

Tragic.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Keeping both you and the family in my thoughts ad prayers. :hug:

[Michelle]

praying for family and you too!
this is one of my worse fears
:hug: