Whiney Scared Child??????

[TGT09]

That's what I was leaning towards earlier when I said "sensitive hearing" but I wasn't trying to get flamed for diagnosing. :-) I definitely think she could have a sensory issue, especially since you've had her for so long and know this isn't the norm.

[tenderhearts]

Well is it just she's use to it being VERY quiet at home and just doesn't "like" the noice because she prefers "quietness" or is it that she really has an issue? She doesn't shake or anything she just holds her ears with a mad face and will either just be mad or say I don't like it so loud, but she also will complain and be pouty and mad if the the baby is by her chair, or one of the other little boys papers were on my desk and she was playing the computer at my desk, she picked up the papers with a mean face and said I don't want these on here, so these are kind of 2 different issues unless it's all related and just "controlling", I do think she seriously gets "scared" at movies but I dont' know where to draw the line with it, literally she's going to be afraid of everything she see's if she's afraid of something on Dora.
Talking with dad do I just ask if she's doing these things at home? I kind of doubt they'd see the sensory thing since their home is very quiet, but as far as the "I'm scared" do I just ask if she has a lot of fears? Thanks so much ladies.

[nannyde]

Well, I think regardless of "why" she is doing this, I definitely think this is above and beyond just a phase, and time to talk to the parents about it. I would explain to them that this has always been an issue to some extent, but you haven't mentioned it before b/c it wasn't that bad in the beginning and you thought it may just be a phase. But since it has gotten progressively worse and progressively disruptive, it's time to talk about things with each other and possibly recommend seeing a doctor about it. At the very least start documenting it so that it can help the parents and/or doctor realize how often she acts out this way.
Good luck, there is nothing more frustrating to me than a child who is constantly whiny and won't use her words to tell me what's wrong! That is an easy way to push my patience to the limit!

see above

[Unregistered]

I think that despite your best intentions you've been had. She may have been scared at some point, but now she is controlling, manipulative and snotty. JMHO, but it's time to take back the reins and wheel her in.

3kidsmom

Personally, I most likely wouldn't speak to the parents about it. I usually save a "parent talk" for a serious issue that, after multiple attempts on my part, have not been resolved. It's my last resort as I really feel that it is my responsibility to teach a child to behave according to the rules in my home, regardless of what happens at theirs.

[BentleysBands]

sounds like one of my dck's....when she doesnt get her way she whines. i have noticed it much more with girls than boys. girls are much more sensitive. i would mention to the parents and see what they think. if shes only doing it at your home its probably an attention thing. good luck!
when someone finds the 'cure' let me know cuz i need some relief too

[marniewon]

Well is it just she's use to it being VERY quiet at home and just doesn't "like" the noice because she prefers "quietness" or is it that she really has an issue? She doesn't shake or anything she just holds her ears with a mad face and will either just be mad or say I don't like it so loud, but she also will complain and be pouty and mad if the the baby is by her chair, or one of the other little boys papers were on my desk and she was playing the computer at my desk, she picked up the papers with a mean face and said I don't want these on here, so these are kind of 2 different issues unless it's all related and just "controlling", I do think she seriously gets "scared" at movies but I dont' know where to draw the line with it, literally she's going to be afraid of everything she see's if she's afraid of something on Dora.
Talking with dad do I just ask if she's doing these things at home? I kind of doubt they'd see the sensory thing since their home is very quiet, but as far as the "I'm scared" do I just ask if she has a lot of fears? Thanks so much ladies.

Well, I'm not going to get the popular vote here, but I have to agree with Nan on this one! Especially after reading what you wrote above. If she was truly scared, she would not have a mad face. She is trying to control every situation to her advantage. To whoever said to work with "feelings", I would think she would already know different "feelings". My toddlers know mad, sad, angry, etc I would think a 4 year old would know these.

I would talk to the parents (dad) and ask if she does this at home. And I would do a combination of what was suggested here. I think what Nan suggested (Cool - go play) might be a little strong, but I certainly wouldn't give in to it either. I would ask her to use other words to describe what was wrong, and if she couldn't then I would definitely tell her to go play. My niece did this (at 2 mind you, not 4) - she would walk around telling everyone "I scared"....and it was kinda cute the first few times, and everyone made a big deal out of it. I can tell you, by the end of that visit (they live in a different state and were only together for a few days) we were all tired of it! She wasn't scared, she just found another way to get attention. Kids do that - that's what they do - if the adults let them. Good luck. I'm with lilbutterfly - the whining pushes me to my limits also.

[tenderhearts]

To me there are maybe 2 different issues going on, her trying to control things, pouting, mad face ect and I think she says she's scared at some of those times, BUT what about really being scared of something she's watching? Make her sit there and watch it? As I said I've told her to turn her head but she just sits there and cries and it disrupts the others who are watching or falling asleep.

[kidkair]

As a nanny I had one kid who clung to me when her parents came home and was very whinny and crying that she didn't want me to go. She whinned about lots of other stuff when with me and when with her parents. I thought it was just a phase and she'd out grow it on her own but 2 months later she was still doing it and it was becoming very much a control issue on her part. Her mom said that the whinning had to stop and asked be to make sure she didn't get her way based on whinning and to get her to stop crying everytime I left. I smiled and said okay. The next day I talked to the girl about why she was crying everytime I was getting ready to go. She said she missed me and was afraid I'd never come back (some previous babysitters disappeared on her). I promised her I would always be back the next day and asked her to stop crying. Before her mom came home I reminded her we were going to have a no crying goodbye and a hug was okay. Mom came in I said goodbye gave the kids hugs and left with no crying. Then I stopped the whinning by saying no whinning every time she started. Within two weeks she didn't ever whine when I was there and stopped crying when I left. Mom was quite impressed and thanked me. I saw them at a soccer game about another two weeks later and saw her whinning to her mom about something and then saw mom give in! I walked up to say hi and girl started whinning about something to dad as I was talking to mom. I turned and said no whinning then returned to chatting with mom. Girl stopped whinning instantly and asked politely for what she wanted. Mom looked shocked Girl never whinned when she knew I was there again but I know mom and dad continued to give in.

For the scared thing: I would get a box big enough for her to hide in or a blanked to hide her face in and anytime she is scared I'd let her hide in the box. "Oh, I'm sorry you are scared. Why don't you go hide from what is scarring you inside the box and come out when you are done being scared." Then I'd drop it and not talk about that particular scary thing again or respond with "We already talked about this and I already gave you a solution. We are done".

Personally I don't allow any tv time and stick to books and toys. Maybe it would do her good if you got rid of tv time for a week and see if that helps calm things down a little.

[tenderhearts]

Thanks, We dont' do much tv time here either, the only time I do do it foresure, well it's a disney movie is at quiet time for the older kids, 2 of them one of them is her, however I wasn't even giving her the opportunity lately (until yesterday) to even watch it I was just having her get her books and go in the other room for quiet time. So is that what I should do just not even allow her to watch the movie just do what she's always done? Just not even say anything about it?
I'll make sure it's off before she gets here in the morning, but then I feel she's controlling the situtation knowing I have already turned it off because she knows I know she doesn't like it and she will ask every day she comes in lately, is the music on yet? If I say no not quite she'll start whining and say I don't want the tv on. Which literally she either doesn't watch anything at all on tv or it's no more than 15 min, or the times she's been out here for the movie at quiet time so it's not like its on much at all.
I like the box or blanket thing, I think I'll try it. thanks

[kidkair]

Yep I'd have her go to another room and not even watch it or go tv free for everyone. If she asks to watch the movie while you have her going to the other room just say that it's one of the ones that she finds scary so you are protecting her from being scared by keeping her away. If she then insists on watching it let her but make it clear that if she says she is scared even once she is leaving the room and returning to the books.

I understand your concern over her controlling the situation by you trying to avoid her behaviors. Some times we just need to adjust to a kid's needs for a bit. It's like having a kid who's allergic to oranges. Do you keep them away just from that child or do you remove them from the whole group? I remove it from the whole group. Think of it as she's allergic to the tv and use the box or blanket for other situations like new people or bruised faces.

[tenderhearts]

Thanks, she's done that very thing, I promise this movie isn't scary I want to watch it, with her only starting to cry and then it disrupts everyone else, I have to stop what I'm doing (which is cleaning, paperwork) while the others are napping, so I've been just not letting her watch, well up until yesterday.

Here's another thing I thought of that I was wondering what others would do, but this is just with her "bratty & mean"" behaviour. We have show and tell on wednesdays, she sits there pouty the whole time and she will tell everyone, I don't want to see what you brought, I told her it's show and tell it gets passed down if she doesn't want to look at it fine, take it and pass it on but she doens't need to tell them and whine I dont' want it, I don't want to look at it. Then when she's doing show & tell she wants to show what she's bringing but doesn't want anyone to look at it or touch it. I did have a talk with her dad last week about it and told him that I told her if she's not going to be nice during show and tell then she wont be able to do it and he agreed so we'll see how tomorrow is.

[marniewon]

I would give her one chance to behave during show and tell, and if she says one negative thing I would remove her from the group and not let her show her item. You've talked to her about it, it shouldn't be a surprise that she has to miss it if she can't be nice.

[nannyde]

Thanks, she's done that very thing, I promise this movie isn't scary I want to watch it, with her only starting to cry and then it disrupts everyone else, I have to stop what I'm doing (which is cleaning, paperwork) while the others are napping, so I've been just not letting her watch, well up until yesterday.

Here's another thing I thought of that I was wondering what others would do, but this is just with her "bratty & mean"" behaviour. We have show and tell on wednesdays, she sits there pouty the whole time and she will tell everyone, I don't want to see what you brought, I told her it's show and tell it gets passed down if she doesn't want to look at it fine, take it and pass it on but she doens't need to tell them and whine I dont' want it, I don't want to look at it. Then when she's doing show & tell she wants to show what she's bringing but doesn't want anyone to look at it or touch it. I did have a talk with her dad last week about it and told him that I told her if she's not going to be nice during show and tell then she wont be able to do it and he agreed so we'll see how tomorrow is.

Tender

You have an extremely spoiled and bossy little girl on your hands. There is NOTHING wrong with her other than she is ruling her world and it's a job she can't handle because she is a child. She's behaving badly because she is overwhelmed with the power she has.

Is there any chance they could put her in preschool? She needs to be one of 25 kids as soon as it is possible. Can she start school in January when the new semester starts?

She's begging for a leader. She needs to go to school where the adults lead large groups of kids. She needs to have nothing to say about what she does and where she goes. She needs to have a large group of age mates who won't tolerate a minute of her selfish spoiled ways. She needs be with adults who don't have time to allow one child to determine what the group does.

I think you are a sweetie and have tried really hard to be nice to this kid. She sees your kindness as weakness.

She wouldn't last a day in my world.

None of my kids behave this way because they wouldn't DARE talk to me like she does you or talk to my other kids the way she does. She needs to be put in her place quickly. Her place needs to be last place for a long time. She needs to be humbled and righted and I don't think that can happen in your world.

[SilverSabre25]

Lots of interesting discussion here.

I'm thinking that there might be two, even three things going on. And it sounds complicated. It's going to take some work.

First off, I'm thinking that she might not have the language she needs to put accurate names to what she's feeling when she says, "I'm scared". Second, I'm thinking that there might be a sensory issue with sound--whether inherent or created by her very quiet home environment. Third, I do think it sounds like she's catered to a lot at home. Fourth, I think it might be a power issue, but the solution is NOT to take away her power, it's to give her more, but appropriate, power. Power that gives her control over HER environment but does NOT affect other people's environment.

When she says she's scared--even if you as the adult do not think that there is anything to be scared of--offer her an out. "If the movie is scary, then you can go look at books/puzzles/color" but make sure she has a place to go where she does not have to see/hear the movie (if you can't prevent her hearing it, offer her headphones to put on). Giving her control over the scary thing in a way that affects no one else, might help immensely. This could also assist if she is getting sensory overload.

You described her covering her ears and saying that it's too loud--that does very much suggest sensory issues to me. Offering her headphones/ear muffs should help with that, unless you can make a "quiet room" she can retreat to when it gets too noisy. Again, this really affects no one but her.

When she's getting controlling over things she has no business controlling, like papers on the desk, tell her that she can either deal with them or she can move her body somewhere else. If she doesn't want to participate in show and tell, then she doesn't have to. Sit her outside the circle but still nearby and ignore her until show and tell is over. Don't let her share her item--assuming she wants to. Explain that if she wants to show her item then she needs to sit and be polite while others show theirs. Before removing her from the circle tell her that and give her the choice. I do not think you should turn off the tv/music in the morning before she gets there--give her the option of retreating to her quiet area or putting on her headphones if she doesn't like it.

Finally, if weeks/months go on and you're trying these things and either it's not improving or she's spending most of her time alone, I would really, really consider bringing the issue up to her parents and suggesting that she be evaluated for some possible sensory issues. It sounds like she is VERY sensory avoidant, both sound and visual stimulation. How is she with eating, textures, flavors, touch, tags in her clothes, etc?

[Crystal]

I agree with you SilverSabre....100%

I am shocked at some of the differing "opinions" on this topic though.