Whiney Scared Child??????

[tenderhearts]

I have a 4 1/2 yr old (almost 5 yrs) dcg who has been with me since she was a baby. She has always been some what shy and has always had a fear to people coming into the house, such as "new" kids, she will cry and say she's scared and wants to go in the other room (I think it's just because she's afraid somehow someone else is just coming and jealous), the mailman ect, can totally understand that. I've always have reassured her kept her near me to help ease her fear. Well over the course of the last I don't even know year or more it has gotten worse, and it's not a "fear" persay all the time anymore she just cries and whines over everything and I don't ever usually know exactly what she's whining/crying over. Like she'll get really pouty and start to whine and cover her ears and I'll say what's wrong? and she'll either say I don't know or I dont' like everyone talking or it's too loud, (which it's not too loud), she will whine and cry if the baby is near her, she will whine and cry and say she is scared during a movie (which I can understand, however these movies are not scary) I guess maybe to some anything can be, but they were watching imagination movers for not even 5 min while I put changed a diaper before putting the movie in for quiet time and she starts crying, I asked what is wrong and she said she didn't know, I said well I can't help you if you don't tell me, she said I just want to take a nap, ok so I took her to take her nap in another room. She rarely sits out here for for quiet time and watches a movie unless she picks it out, a few minutes later I went to check on her and she said I'll tell you why now, I said ok, she said it's because I wanted my movie in, but she cries over everything, I do know she gets scared easily every disney movie she claims to be scared of HOWEVER she will watch Scooby Doo????? So I know when she cries sometimes she's "scared" of something but other times she's crying I have no idea she flat out wont tell me. Oh today one of my babies has a little black eye, she wouldn't come by the baby because she was scared of the baby, I explained to her there was nothing to be scared of, it's not contagious she just has a little owie, but she said well it scares me. My tv is on until about 8is in the morning, she comes right at the tail end of it and she used to beg me to keep it on, well now she's "scared" to watch it (same show she always has watched) and she immediatley will say, I don't want it on, I want it off, which she knows I do right about that time and put songs in, she then started crying saying the kids song the ants go marching one by one was scary??? She just whines and cries over everything what would you do or how would you help her or what??? Help it's really driving me crazy and the other kids are noticing it and I don't know what to say, they say so and so is crying again. I just need some ideas I've never had a child like this before.

[Blackcat31]

I don't really have a good answer, but it does sort of sound as if she is using her "fears" as a control factor. Maybe to get the attention she wants or to get things to go her way? Some of it may be justifyable, but other examples you gave seem to be just manipulation to get what she wants. It IS getting her attention, so in a way it is reinforcing the behavior and will probably only get worse. Like when she said she was afraid of movie just to get the movie she wanted. Maybe have a talk with mom about what things she IS actually afraid of and what things you think she is just saying she is. On the flip side, I have heard of a lot of kids who have sensory issues with sound. Environments that are busy and active can be over stimulating and frightening to a child who has sensory issues. Wow, this is a tough one. I would definitely start by having a good talk with mom so you guys can get on the same page. Good luck...

[marniewon]

It almost sounds like at one point she was scared of something and the adults around her gave her a ton of attention to help her to not be scared, and she's using that ploy to get attention. No one is scared that much!

Have you talked to the parents about her behavior at your house? Does she act that way at home too? Is something going on at home do you think? If she's doing this at home too, I would suggest to the parents to get her tested. She could have a sensory disorder, although it almost doesn't sound like it. I have a 3 1/2 dcb who acts a lot like that too. I've thought maybe aspergers? Or somewhere on the autism spectrum. But I haven't mentioned anything (except the actual behavior) to mom because she is a good friend of mine and I really don't want to offend her. I'm not saying to tell dcp's that you think there's something wrong with her, just that you are concerned and wonder if her doctor couldn't give some insight as to why she acts like that.

[elle73]

Do we have the same dcg . I have a dcg that is exactly the same way, she cries and whines at everything, I've started telling her that she has to use her big girl voice that I don't understand her when she is whining or crying, its seems to be working when she starts to whine or cry she will catch herself and when I ask whats wrong she will say oh nothing and run off and play, it did take awhile to get her out of that habit though. She was always scared of everything too and I finally got out of her that if she said she was scared that I would stop whatever I was doing or make the kids stop what they were doing because it wasn't what she wanted, for example if the kids were reading a book and she said she was scared of it, it was because it wasn't the book she wanted to read, same for tv as well(I let them watch tv at quiet time)if it wasn't a show she wanted to watch she would say she was scared so I would change the channel.

Hope this helps, I feel for you because I know how frustating it can be to have a child that whines at everything. Good luck.

[tenderhearts]

Well here's the thing she's been with me so long I just have thought it would pass and at first it wasn't all the time so I've never mentioned it to her dad. I only see dad since I am located near his work, they don't even live close to me. So really I haven't said anything other than when she's whining and crying and not being nice to the others because he'll ask, I guess the other part I just thought it would pass like everything else. Plus I don't really know what to say to him, oh you're daughter is nothing but a whiner what's her problem. It seems like a mixture, she's afraid some of the times she's whining and other times she's whining to be a brat. It's hard for me to know though alot of the time since she wont tell me, she just wants to go in the other room. Is that what I should do if they are watching Dora (which we dont' watch tv much, usually like 15 min while I make lunch) and she will start to cry and say she wants to go in the other room, do I let her??
I would like to mention or some how ask dad but I really have no idea what to say or how to bring it up.

[nannyde]

You have a very controlling child on your hands who has learned over the years that using the phrase "I'm scared" gets her to have intense adult attention, removal from what she's put the "I'm scared" words to, and something else to do instead of the "I'm scared"words.

Now she's using that technique of control to get you to do "her" and the "i'm scared" to control what she does and what anyone else does that directly or indirectly affects her.

She's running game and it needs to stop today. She's going off to school here soon and in a group of 25 kids she won't get a minute of the "I'm scared" control technique so she needs to learn now how to cope in public (you ARE her public) without forcing "I'm scared" down everyones throat.

I've always have reassured her kept her near me to help ease her fear. Be dismissive NOT reassuring when she picks crazy to attach "I'm scared" to. I'm going to assume that you don't have ANYTHING scarry in her environment so stop her right now today from using those words in your house. Just stop saying it. I won't have it.

She doesn't get to pick something absoultely completely unrelated to her in ANY way like the baby bruise and turn it into something that has to do with her. She needs to stop engaging you and trying to skim off the cream of your life there (SHE gets to pick the movies .... SHE gets to decide what kids play next to her... SHE gets to go into another room if she doesn't like the book... SHE gets... SHE gets.... SHE gets.)

Why can't you give her the GIFT of being the same as the other children? You need to insist that she be WITH the other kids and DO the other kids. She needs to stop TALKING to you about "i'm scared" and GO PLAY TOYS and nevermind the adult and don't THINK for a second that a couple of words coming out of your mouth "I'm scared" are going to get you a different and better gig.

I have a really strong feeling that you have allowed this because you believe she is running the show at home... she's the princess of her kingdom ... and her parents will likely pull her from your care if you don't continue to be her lady in waiting. If that is the case then you must be HONEST with yourself and with us and just say it. If you are tolerating this because you want the money and you fear they will pull her if you talk to them and tell them the WHOLE truth... that if you put the hammer down on this rediculous behavior that SHE will begin to protest so loudly with "I'm scarred" that they will pull her out... then that's a different course of action.

In order to help you I have to know YOUR truth. You have allowed her to behave very poorly and in your heart you KNOW that she is deceiving you with her words. In your heart you KNOW she is running game and you haven't stopped it.

If you are willing to loose her then your plan of action is:

Tell her parents that you have issues with her saying the words "I'm scared" and what I wrote above as her reasoning for it. DO NOT DISCUSS ANY SPECIFIC FEARS WITH THEM. The conversation will quickly and endlessly turn into what THEY believe are real fears. In your home YOU decide what real fears are and she doesn't have exposure to them so you don't need to know their view of her fears.

Tell them that she is not allowed to do this anymore.

Tell her when she uses the words "I'm scared" that you like the words. They are cool words but she can't use them right now.

She says "I'm scarred of the movie"
You: Excellent go watch the movie
Princess: I can't I'm scared
You: Cool so you go lay down in the room and turn your head but you will stay in the room.

Princess: I'm scared of the babys black mark
You: Sweeeeet GO PLAY TOYS You don't get to play I'm scared with my baby. Go play.

Princess: I'm scarred of the books
You: Awesome so close your eyes and cover your ears but you are NOT leaving the circle.

This techniques sends a clear message with the words that you aren't buying it and that you are even attaching happy happy joy joy WITH her I'm scared. It's all good and you go play toys.

The whining is a different control mechanism. I would find a really nice plush stuffed animal and have her whine to that. Make it a scooby doo or something she can't say she's afraid of and have it sit somewhere as far away from the action as possible but still in the room. When she starts the whining tell her to go to whining scooby and tell him her troubles.

Don't engage her whinning and don't change anything for her.

You have a classic case of a kid running your show who has figured out to use adult words and adult emotions to elicit adult attention and adult intervention. She's running game. She's not fearful she's controlling. Anytime you allow a young child to run the show the shows going to be a very bad show. Kids aren't able to lead so when they are allowed to lead everything falls apart and the real leader (you) gets upset and unhappy.

[kendallina]

I hardly think dismissing this child is going to really help her. It may get her to stop an annoying behavior, but that's only helping the provider. I do agree with what Nannyde says about this child may be using this phrase to control adult's behavior. Have you asked mom what happens when she does this at home? I wonder how mom and dad handle it.

Instead of dismissing her feelings, which obviously feel real to her, I would try to help her to rephrase them, which might help her to have a different outlook. So, if she says she's scared of the movie, I'd say, "it doesn't sound like you're scared...are you saying that because you don't like the movie? Do you wish we had a different movie?" and if she says yes (which she may not because she's sooo used to saying that she's scared), then I'd say, "I understand you want to watch a different movie, but today it's this one and I need to stay in the room..." or whatever you need her to do.

I really don't think it ever helps the child to dismiss how they think they are feeling. Think about this, when you say to your husband or whoever, "I'm mad about ..." would it really help if he said "cool, you just have to stay mad." Doesn't do anything to solve the problem.

[nannyde]

I hardly think dismissing this child is going to really help her. It may get her to stop an annoying behavior, but that's only helping the provider. I do agree with what Nannyde says about this child may be using this phrase to control adult's behavior. Have you asked mom what happens when she does this at home? I wonder how mom and dad handle it.

Instead of dismissing her feelings, which obviously feel real to her, I would try to help her to rephrase them, which might help her to have a different outlook. So, if she says she's scared of the movie, I'd say, "it doesn't sound like you're scared...are you saying that because you don't like the movie? Do you wish we had a different movie?" and if she says yes (which she may not because she's sooo used to saying that she's scared), then I'd say, "I understand you want to watch a different movie, but today it's this one and I need to stay in the room..." or whatever you need her to do.

I really don't think it ever helps the child to dismiss how they think they are feeling. Think about this, when you say to your husband or whoever, "I'm mad about ..." would it really help if he said "cool, you just have to stay mad." Doesn't do anything to solve the problem.

The technique you are suggesting is the technique used for four years and nets a child like the OP has described. It simply doesn't work to engage a child who puts words "i'm scared" onto something that could not possibly be a threat to the child. It could not possibly elicit a flight or fight response to a child especially a child of THIS age.

When you do your technique you are petting an unstable mind set. All of the words and conversations about what she has attached "I'm scared" to are the petting. The content of what she is saying she is afraid of is the mind set.

In my house I want the kids to GO PLAY TOYS and be a member of the group that I am leading. I want them to understand that I don't have anything in my world that is a realistic fear. I'm the leader and I don't expose children to fearful things.

I may expose them to things they don't LIKE but it won't be things they can realistically be fearful of. So they don't get to attach a phrase such as "I'm scared" to something they DON'T LIKE and have me change it because being "scared" about something is words enough to get an adult to change it.

She's saying WORDS to the provider. Just words. It wouldn't matter if she said "Canyon ranch" or "Frog lips" or "Blue Cheese". Those words are just as relevant to the baby's bruise as the words "I'm scared". They are just as relevant to the children movies as "I'm scared". They are just as relevant to the books the other kids pick as "I'm scared".

They aren't relevant and either is "I'm scared".

The child doesn't get to pick crazy out of the sky and fixate on it. She needs to go play toys and be an equal member of the group of kids and quit using irrelevant words to boss a provider around to do something else cuz she doesn't like it.

[TGT09]

I think the point of what's being said is that, she's not REALLY scared. So dismissing her feelings is the only reasonable thing to do. She needs to get past using those words because as nanny said, she will get no attention from them when she goes to school. ...because after the first few times the teacher will dismiss them.

On a side note: It also sounds like she might suffer from very sensitive hearing but could also be just that she's getting attention from it. I have an infant who has very sensitive hearing and he cries every time a certain noise is made.

[tenderhearts]

I agree that some of it I think she does for attention and I think she just wants things "her" way alot of times, but I do NOT give into her as you claim.

SHE gets to pick the movies .... SHE gets to decide what kids play next to her... SHE gets to go into another room if she doesn't like the book... SHE gets... SHE gets.... SHE gets.)
The only time SHE picks the movies if she is the "line leader".
I've tried telling her to turn her head if she is scared at something in the movie but it disrupts EVERYONE around her.
I should also clarify that when I said that I reassure her when she is afraid such as the mailman coming to the door or when a new child starts, I reasure her by telling her about them, who they are why they are there, I tell her when a new child starts that they are here just like she is, I watch am going to watch them like I watch her, they are a part of the group together. I didn't mean I hug and hold her while these people are here.
I can't control what fear someone has, again I agree that some of it is for attention BUT when its a fear of something on tv, who am I to say it's scary or not to her, I don't see anything scary about any of the stuff they watch. Now yes maybe Monsters Inc. or scooby doo but for instance yesterday when they were watching Imagination Movers it' s not a scary show, she has watched it a million times here, then she starts crying, she wouldn't tell me why other than she wanted the movie in, later the other boy told me it was because one of the movers had on a costume, ok I saw it, it WAS NOT scary, but to me or to the others but how can I say it's not scary so watch it? Like I said I've told her to turn her head but it's very disruptive for everyone else, so it's easier to just have her take a nap or read books or else no one else gets rest.
have a really strong feeling that you have allowed this because you believe she is running the show at home... she's the princess of her kingdom ... and her parents will likely pull her from your care if you don't continue to be her lady in waiting. If that is the case then you must be HONEST with yourself and with us and just say it. If you are tolerating this because you want the money and you fear they will pull her if you talk to them and tell them the WHOLE truth... that if you put the hammer down on this rediculous behavior that SHE will begin to protest so loudly with "I'm scarred" that they will pull her out... then that's a different course of action
Wow I don't think I came here to be attacked by you, I do believe she runs the show at home, some, I'm not sure exactly, I don't really know the mom, dad seems firm with her but yet babied, I DO NOT believe that if I dont' let her do the same here she will be pulled from my care, I do not believe they would do that EVER.
The reason I really haven't mentioned the "I'm scared" thing is because I've just kind of blew it off as a phase, I just didnt think there was anything they could do about her fears,she's a scared she's scare but since it's progressed and she's just getting worse and I think some is more than just being scared and she's so snotty to the others it's just getting out of hand.
Sometimes I feel she's been like this because it has definetly gotten worse since most of the group she was "raised" with here has left and now maybe she feels out of place or "scared" that I dont' love her the same, I treat her no different than anyone else.

[MarinaVanessa]

Just thought that I'd add that another possible theory could be that she could have somewhat of a Sensory Processing Disorder. It could just be too much for her going on at once even though it's normal for everyone else. Just another idea for you to ponder on, I was just thinking about how she doesn't like change, new people, noise and says that she's "scared". It could be her way of saying that she's overstimulated. Just a thought.

[tenderhearts]

Thanks so if she's "over stimulated" what do I do? Have her go into another room? I don't know if she's just not used to the noise even though she's been here for 4 1/2 yrs or if she is overstimulated. I do know at her house things are VERY VERY quiet, she is an only child, I don't know how much her parents "play" with her when she's home, but I know they don't watch much tv or anything. Alot of quiet play. One thing I just thought of now, when she was an infant for a very long time if she was fussy just laying her in the pak n play in a quiet room she loved it, even if she didn't fall asleep, she would lay there and play for some times an hour before crying and wanting back out then she would be fine. So maybe she just doesn't like "too much" going on. But still with that being said about change ect (which I'm still not sure about he fear of all kids movies) but how do I deal with that? thanks

[kendallina]

The technique you are suggesting is the technique used for four years and nets a child like the OP has described. It simply doesn't work to engage a child who puts words "i'm scared" onto something that could not possibly be a threat to the child. It could not possibly elicit a flight or fight response to a child especially a child of THIS age.

When you do your technique you are petting an unstable mind set. All of the words and conversations about what she has attached "I'm scared" to are the petting. The content of what she is saying she is afraid of is the mind set.

In my house I want the kids to GO PLAY TOYS and be a member of the group that I am leading. I want them to understand that I don't have anything in my world that is a realistic fear. I'm the leader and I don't expose children to fearful things.

I may expose them to things they don't LIKE but it won't be things they can realistically be fearful of. So they don't get to attach a phrase such as "I'm scared" to something they DON'T LIKE and have me change it because being "scared" about something is words enough to get an adult to change it.

She's saying WORDS to the provider. Just words. It wouldn't matter if she said "Canyon ranch" or "Frog lips" or "Blue Cheese". Those words are just as relevant to the baby's bruise as the words "I'm scared". They are just as relevant to the children movies as "I'm scared". They are just as relevant to the books the other kids pick as "I'm scared".

They aren't relevant and either is "I'm scared".

The child doesn't get to pick crazy out of the sky and fixate on it. She needs to go play toys and be an equal member of the group of kids and quit using irrelevant words to boss a provider around to do something else cuz she doesn't like it.

I disagree that helping her to find the correct words to describe how she's feeling will make the problem continue. It might just help to to communicate better.

Sure, if you ignore her saying, "I'm scared" the behavior will stop. If that's all the OP cares about, with no regard to how the child is actually feeling, then she can choose to do that.

If, on the other hand, the OP would like to help the child express the correct words for how she is feeling and help her to understand what 'scared' actually means, then it may take more than ignoring it and telling her to go play, as seems to be your answer to everything, nannyde.

I do agree with you that a lot of talking about it will probably just feed into the behavior, but this child needs to know how to express what she's feeling. I am not of the school that as long as you can shut a child up, then all is good, but to each their own.

I think it is rude and condescending to the OP to suggest that she is not only allowed this behavior by trying to communicate with the child, but that she did it on purpose so that the parents don't pull her out. Very presumptuous and not at all helpful to the OP. It is also rude and condescending to say to a child who tells you they are scared, "cool, go play".

Tenderhearts, I hope that this resolves, as it must be frustrating to deal with. I wonder if it might help her to do some activities around feeling words, so that she starts to know what that actually means.

[Lilbutterflie]

Well, I think regardless of "why" she is doing this, I definitely think this is above and beyond just a phase, and time to talk to the parents about it. I would explain to them that this has always been an issue to some extent, but you haven't mentioned it before b/c it wasn't that bad in the beginning and you thought it may just be a phase. But since it has gotten progressively worse and progressively disruptive, it's time to talk about things with each other and possibly recommend seeing a doctor about it. At the very least start documenting it so that it can help the parents and/or doctor realize how often she acts out this way.
Good luck, there is nothing more frustrating to me than a child who is constantly whiny and won't use her words to tell me what's wrong! That is an easy way to push my patience to the limit!

[kendallina]

Just thought that I'd add that another possible theory could be that she could have somewhat of a Sensory Processing Disorder. It could just be too much for her going on at once even though it's normal for everyone else. Just another idea for you to ponder on, I was just thinking about how she doesn't like change, new people, noise and says that she's "scared". It could be her way of saying that she's overstimulated. Just a thought.

That's a very good point. My nephew has sensory problems and he still gets scared at loud noises, you can see his body shudder when he hears something that disturbs him.