Trying Very Hard Not To Be Bitter

[Tasha]

This probably should be in the venting thread, but I guess it's more of a lament than a vent (hopefully). Here's what happened - sorry it's long and convoluted: I have had a nice family with 2 kids for more almost 3 years. Several months ago DCD got sick (with a serious but recoverable illness) and his treatment plan called for him being out of work for several months. DCM needed to work but they still needed childcare, and she came to me in a panic about money because of DCD's loss of income (his job would wait for him, but not with pay). Because they were such great parents and because of my love for their children, I cut their rate by half until DCD went back to work (estimated at 6 months). I had a waiting list but I figured it was the right thing to do because I sure would want someone to help me out if by awful chance I found myself in that situation. So I give her the discount and DCM was ecstatic, hugs all around, much gratitude, and I felt very happy about doing this for her.
So DCD recovers and goes back to work last week (and it did turn out to be 6 months). Last night DCM picks up and all is well, until last night I get an email from her. It opens with some minor problem with one of her kids, and then this:
''Just wanted you to know that my mom has decided to leave her job and will watch the kids. So this is our 3 weeks notice, and I'd like to thank you for being such a wonderful baby-sitter. You were a lifesaver! Love, DCM."
Ugh. I felt (and still feel) sick about this. I feel taken advantage of even though I willingly gave the discount. But she didn't even have the guts to tell me in person, and they were the last pickup. We had time to talk. I just feel so taken advantage of, because I think of all the times I overlooked the late pickups because of DCD's illness. We even took them over dinners over the last few months because DCM was so stressed and harried.
This is all my fault, I know this. But I feel really bad and sad. If you made it all the way through, thanks for reading.

[LadyMacbeth]

I'm so sorry this happened. But you did have this family for a very long time, and they were terrific clients. I think I would have made the same sacrifice if I were in your shoes, given their reputation, so don't beat yourself up about that.

It sucks that their leaving, but I'm sure that even though dad is back at work it's going to take them a long time to get back on track. They are doing what is best for them and ultimately what is best for you. Because when it comes to financial struggles, those wonderful clients could have easily turned into a pain.

I would ask them to continue to refer people to you, it's the least they can do

[Tasha]

Thank you Lady MacBeth, and I know you're right. Sorry I sounded so full of self-pity! Just wish she'd talked to me in person rather than in an email. It's blindsided me. I guess a lot of providers have been through something similar.

[daycare]

I probably would have done the same thing as you did, but I doubt I would have let it go on that long.

If there is one thing that I have learned in this business is to never run it with your emotions and that parents are ALWAYS going to do what is best for them without YOU in their thoughts. As a parent, I would do the same.

SO, after getting burnt once from a family, similar situation for about 3 weeks, I decided that I would stop making choices that were better for them and not for me. I just recently had to do it and I did feel a little bad about it, but I have a family to raise too and this is how I support my family.

You sound like a very sweet and thoughtful person, I am sorry they did this to you, like PP said, they are more than likely trying to get back on track and this was what was best for their family.

As providers, a lot of us are nurtures by nature and it's normal for us to always want to help, which is fine. Just as long as it's not bringing you down with them.

Hugs, hope you fill the spots soon

[Michelle]

wow!
you are the sweetest person for helping them and I think your years with these kids will make such an impact in their lives how you cared for their mom and dad.

I have a dcm that is the sweetest person I ever met and I strive to be like her.
She never has a bad thing to say about anyone and would make dinner for people, give rides, do anything for you.

God bless you and your family for helping them in their time of crisis.
I know it's very tacky the way she gave you notice just keep your head up high and give those kids the best 3 weeks and know that you are loved by them.

[KiddieCahoots]

Wow!
Truley love everybody's comments and support.
I however, will take a walk on the other side.....hahaha
Was recently burnt in a similar fashion.
A colleague said to me, "remember.....they are not your friends, just an associate you work with".
Sure, they will do what is best for their own family, I would too.....but not in the fashion they did. Considering the coincidental timing, I find what they did to be just plain selfish, inconsiderate, and rude.
I am sorry this happened to you.
Feel proud that you were there for them and provided them a great service.

You are the bigger person!

[cheerfuldom]

Daycare parents will always do what is best for them, period.

I am sorry you had to learn this the hard way.

That said, what is done is done. and you should pride yourself in the fact that you saw someone in need and you made a choice to help and there is nothing wrong with that! You have a kind, giving heart, that is nothing to be ashamed of!

Being a business owner, now you know full well that any discount or special treatment you give families will 99.9% of the time, never be "paid" back in return in anyway. So either you give wholeheartedly with that knowledge or you decide that you cannot give that. Its okay to say no!

[Laurel]

This probably should be in the venting thread, but I guess it's more of a lament than a vent (hopefully). Here's what happened - sorry it's long and convoluted: I have had a nice family with 2 kids for more almost 3 years. Several months ago DCD got sick (with a serious but recoverable illness) and his treatment plan called for him being out of work for several months. DCM needed to work but they still needed childcare, and she came to me in a panic about money because of DCD's loss of income (his job would wait for him, but not with pay). Because they were such great parents and because of my love for their children, I cut their rate by half until DCD went back to work (estimated at 6 months). I had a waiting list but I figured it was the right thing to do because I sure would want someone to help me out if by awful chance I found myself in that situation. So I give her the discount and DCM was ecstatic, hugs all around, much gratitude, and I felt very happy about doing this for her.
So DCD recovers and goes back to work last week (and it did turn out to be 6 months). Last night DCM picks up and all is well, until last night I get an email from her. It opens with some minor problem with one of her kids, and then this:
''Just wanted you to know that my mom has decided to leave her job and will watch the kids. So this is our 3 weeks notice, and I'd like to thank you for being such a wonderful baby-sitter. You were a lifesaver! Love, DCM."
Ugh. I felt (and still feel) sick about this. I feel taken advantage of even though I willingly gave the discount. But she didn't even have the guts to tell me in person, and they were the last pickup. We had time to talk. I just feel so taken advantage of, because I think of all the times I overlooked the late pickups because of DCD's illness. We even took them over dinners over the last few months because DCM was so stressed and harried.
This is all my fault, I know this. But I feel really bad and sad. If you made it all the way through, thanks for reading.

I would feel bad and sad too. That was rotten not even to tell you in person. Wow.

I guess there is not a lot you can do about it though.

I suppose you could look at it like you were giving to charity but a real live charity and give yourself some credit for doing the right thing.

If it continues to eat at you while they are with you I think you are fully justified in saying something to her, in person, like "I sure wish you would have told me the news that you were leaving in person. That hurt my feelings a bit learning it by email." Personally I think people should know when they hurt your feelings. Then if she hems and haws and tries to trivialize it, I'd say "Well it hurt anyway and I just wanted you to know that." She owes you an apology. If you don't get one then at least you made your feelings known.

Laurel

[Crazy8]

ouch. I completely understand how you feel and would have very similar feelings. I had a similar situation with a family in the Fall and honestly, I am still bitter. They had the nerve to ask if I'd have an opening for their new baby next year and couldn't imagine why I said no. Its true parents are always just going to do what is best for them. I would have to say something though. I don't know what, but I think I'd have to mention that after giving them 6 months at half price you are very disappointed in how they are repaying you. I know that's probably not the most professional thing to do but I don't think I could not say something.

[CraftyMom]

ouch. I completely understand how you feel and would have very similar feelings. I had a similar situation with a family in the Fall and honestly, I am still bitter. They had the nerve to ask if I'd have an opening for their new baby next year and couldn't imagine why I said no. Its true parents are always just going to do what is best for them. I would have to say something though. I don't know what, but I think I'd have to mention that after giving them 6 months at half price you are very disappointed in how they are repaying you. I know that's probably not the most professional thing to do but I don't think I could not say something.

Me too, I would want to say something. Probably best to let it go though

I had a family with 2 kids give their notice for last day to be the day before my PAID vacation started, even though I knew the kids weren't starting at their new preschool for 2 more weeks. Clearly they were avoiding having to pay my vacation. I was at capacity, so I had to wait for them to leave before anyone could start, which now would be AFTER my vaca. Any way I sliced it I lost a week's pay for 2 spots.

Totally sucked the way they did this! After caring for their kids all year and dealing with a lot of bull from them and accommodating in several instances, this is how they repaid me, by screwing me.


I told them that respectfully they SHOULD pay my vacation and told them why I thought so. Of course I had no grounds to make them pay. They couldn't understand why I felt this way.

Anyway, I learned NOT to accommodate and learned that even the best people will screw you over to benefit themselves!

I now have a policy about termination within a month of my paid vacation

[Josiegirl]

I'd feel crushed and unappreciated too and would have to say something to them. Course I'm being petty here and admittedly not very professional but I'd want them to at least feel a little bit guilty. I know, not very mature of me but still sometimes, we can't help the way we feel.

[nannyde]

I wouldn't focus on how she told you. If she would have emailed saying she was going to repay you for the free slot for one kid for six months you wouldn't be upset about getting the news via email. It is what she said not how she said it.

It was extremely crappy of them to pull this. They are not nice people. They used you until they had to go back to the full rate. Don't minimize it. If grandma could rescue them now she could have rescued them six months ago.

You just got got. You know now to never sacrifice your own families resources for someone else. A couple of weeks maybe but six months was too much. You lost a lot of income for the price of a "thanks you have been great for all the free" words.

Lesson learned. Don't beat yourself up.

[Blackcat31]

I wouldn't focus on how she told you. If she would have emailed saying she was going to repay you for the free slot for one kid for six months you wouldn't be upset about getting the news via email. It is what she said not how she said it.

It was extremely crappy of them to pull this. They are not nice people. They used you until they had to go back to the full rate. Don't minimize it. If grandma could rescue them now she could have rescued them six months ago.

You just got got. You know now to never sacrifice your own families resources for someone else. A couple of weeks maybe but six months was too much. You lost a lot of income for the price of a "thanks you have been great for all the free" words.

Lesson learned. Don't beat yourself up.

This is how the business or logical side of me feels too.
I also think you already know this.

I would feel bad and sad too. That was rotten not even to tell you in person. Wow.

I guess there is not a lot you can do about it though.

I suppose you could look at it like you were giving to charity but a real live charity and give yourself some credit for doing the right thing.

If it continues to eat at you while they are with you I think you are fully justified in saying something to her, in person, like "I sure wish you would have told me the news that you were leaving in person. That hurt my feelings a bit learning it by email." Personally I think people should know when they hurt your feelings. Then if she hems and haws and tries to trivialize it, I'd say "Well it hurt anyway and I just wanted you to know that." She owes you an apology. If you don't get one then at least you made your feelings known.

Laurel

^^This is how the human side of me feels. When this is all water under the bridge you will have learned from past behavior but for this moment in time, it just hurts and really sucks.

:hug: :hug:

[mountainside13]

I agree with others, take the high road be professional. But (a huge but) I would be so angry, I don't think I could NOT say something! I am upset for you!

[KidGrind]

I am truly sorry, you were taken advantage of and used.

I completely know & believe most parents do not care about their child care providers. As much as I would love to be as generous as the OP, this is the exact reason I rarely work with a parent when it comes to finances.