I'm A New DCM - Question For Providers

[cheerfuldom]

NannyDe is right.
You're perception of what is happening has now become your own truth. You feel that your daughter is being neglected at daycare and in your absence and you don't trust your provider to be able to move past that without your supervision. If that is how you feel, that is fine. Just own it. Quit your job and stay home with your infant. That choice is okay to make!

But be aware that transitioning at 6 months or a year almost always is harder than infant age. Babies and young toddlers are very aware of the change, much more so than infants. If you stay home, I suggest staying till 15 or 18 months when you child is ready to be more independent and able to move into group care a bit better.

I am reading between the lines here but it appears that what you really want by posting here is for people to support you decision to stay home and support the idea that your child is going to be damaged by crying and that your provider and your child will not be able to adjust to this scenario. I cannot support all those ideas because as a mother of four and an experienced daycare provider, experience tells me otherwise HOWEVER, I support your right to decide what is best for your family. If you dont want to wait out an adjustment period and you want the support to quit your job, here it is from me.

Lastly, you have the best scenario possible....a nanny for daycare cost. That is as good as it gets. You wont be able to find a better set up than that. And now that I know that your provider has no other kids in care, I think staying for half days is definitely a bad idea. Your infant will almost surely not benefit from this and it will be you that is trying to "interview" the provider and gain a comfort level during those times. It does not take two adults to care for one baby and do nothing else. Sounds horribly awkward for the provider. I cant imagine that she will take it any other way than a bad way BUT if you want to ask and she is okay with it, then by all means, try it. I just dont think it will change anything for you. I think you would sit in her house for a week or two and then quit your job anyway so that would be a waste of her time. I could be wrong, but I probably am not.

[Blackcat31]

NannyDe is right.
You're perception of what is happening has now become your own truth. You feel that your daughter is being neglected at daycare and in your absence and you don't trust your provider to be able to move past that without your supervision. If that is how you feel, that is fine. Just own it. Quit your job and stay home with your infant. That choice is okay to make!

But be aware that transitioning at 6 months or a year almost always is harder than infant age. Babies and young toddlers are very aware of the change, much more so than infants. If you stay home, I suggest staying till 15 or 18 months when you child is ready to be more independent and able to move into group care a bit better.

I am reading between the lines here but it appears that what you really want by posting here is for people to support you decision to stay home and support the idea that your child is going to be damaged by crying and that your provider and your child will not be able to adjust to this scenario. I cannot support all those ideas because as a mother of four and an experienced daycare provider, experience tells me otherwise HOWEVER, I support your right to decide what is best for your family. If you dont want to wait out an adjustment period and you want the support to quit your job, here it is from me.

Lastly, you have the best scenario possible....a nanny for daycare cost. That is as good as it gets. You wont be able to find a better set up than that. And now that I know that your provider has no other kids in care, I think staying for half days is definitely a bad idea. Your infant will almost surely not benefit from this and it will be you that is trying to "interview" the provider and gain a comfort level during those times. It does not take two adults to care for one baby and do nothing else. Sounds horribly awkward for the provider. I cant imagine that she will take it any other way than a bad way BUT if you want to ask and she is okay with it, then by all means, try it. I just dont think it will change anything for you. I think you would sit in her house for a week or two and then quit your job anyway so that would be a waste of her time. I could be wrong, but I probably am not.

That was my first thought too.... I think OP simply wants a group of experienced providers to tell her what she wants to hear.

I have NEVER heard of emotionally damaging an infant when it comes to crying.

I also do NOT believe that a 4 month old has the capabilities to suffer from separation anxiety.

I think OP WANTS to stay home and care for her own child but needs "permission" or some sort of logical reasoning to give her a push to make that decision.

I also think moving her from one provider to the next in such sort periods of time is MORE damaging to her emotionally than the crying.

[Unregistered]

Think about the relationship you had when your first brought your baby home from the hospital. You spent time listening to her cries and trying to decipher what she wanted and needed. You have to let the daycare provider and the baby develop the same relationship. It really isn't abnormal. I sound like a broken record, but you have to give it time and patience and let the caregiver and the baby develop a relationship.

Trying to get to know my LO initially was a disaster!! HAHA! She did cry hysterically on occasion and I had no idea what she wanted, or if she even needed anything. It did take awhile to finally figure it out.

I appreciate the broken record reminders!

[Unregistered]

I agree... They need more time. And you need to stop meddling. I get that it's your baby but she'll never acclimate if you always come to the rescue. The provider will be anxious, you'll be anxious, baby will be anxious. Maybe try being happy and positive and talking about his fun daycare is and how happy you are and she'll see you're happy and she should be too! And once she gets the routine and the idea that you leave and come back than she'll be much happier. I had an 18 month old who cried for like 3wks and mom and Nana were so afraid to leave but an 8 month old who never cried and mom was very happy and not nervous. Babies feel your anxiety and unhappiness from you too.

I know, you're so right! I know my "rescue her" mentality is increasing the anxiety for everyone. I need to make up my mind whether I'm in or not. If I'm in I will start focusing more on the positives. Thanks!

[Shell]

That was my first thought too.... I think OP simply wants a group of experienced providers to tell her what she wants to hear.

I have NEVER heard of emotionally damaging an infant when it comes to crying.

I also do NOT believe that a 4 month old has the capabilities to suffer from separation anxiety.

I think OP WANTS to stay home and care for her own child but needs "permission" or some sort of logical reasoning to give her a push to make that decision.

I also think moving her from one provider to the next in such sort periods of time is MORE damaging to her emotionally than the crying.

Totally agree. If sounds like staying home is the best option for this parent.

[Unregistered]

I agree that it will take some time. However, the constant crying even at home reminds me of other things. Have you researched high need/spirited kids? Helped a lot w/ my son, as I'd never dealt with the issues and personality he brought.

No I haven't but I will. Thank you!

[nannyde]

NannyDe is right.
You're perception of what is happening has now become your own truth. You feel that your daughter is being neglected at daycare and in your absence and you don't trust your provider to be able to move past that without your supervision. If that is how you feel, that is fine. Just own it. Quit your job and stay home with your infant. That choice is okay to make!

But be aware that transitioning at 6 months or a year almost always is harder than infant age. Babies and young toddlers are very aware of the change, much more so than infants. If you stay home, I suggest staying till 15 or 18 months when you child is ready to be more independent and able to move into group care a bit better.

I am reading between the lines here but it appears that what you really want by posting here is for people to support you decision to stay home and support the idea that your child is going to be damaged by crying and that your provider and your child will not be able to adjust to this scenario. I cannot support all those ideas because as a mother of four and an experienced daycare provider, experience tells me otherwise HOWEVER, I support your right to decide what is best for your family. If you dont want to wait out an adjustment period and you want the support to quit your job, here it is from me.

Lastly, you have the best scenario possible....a nanny for daycare cost. That is as good as it gets. You wont be able to find a better set up than that. And now that I know that your provider has no other kids in care, I think staying for half days is definitely a bad idea. Your infant will almost surely not benefit from this and it will be you that is trying to "interview" the provider and gain a comfort level during those times. It does not take two adults to care for one baby and do nothing else. Sounds horribly awkward for the provider. I cant imagine that she will take it any other way than a bad way BUT if you want to ask and she is okay with it, then by all means, try it. I just dont think it will change anything for you. I think you would sit in her house for a week or two and then quit your job anyway so that would be a waste of her time. I could be wrong, but I probably am not.

Buyer beware that this child care provider WILL take other children and most likely very soon. There's not enough money in one baby. This parent needs to realize that there will come a day very soon when the provider gets the next baby who needs four hour parental interviews and "teaching" for THAT baby to not cry. This baby will have to endure the provider doing another acclimation transition with a complete stranger parent hanging around for hours over days and the focus of the provider will shift from her no cry training to another babies no cry training so the provider can have money.

There's value in the newbie provider having this experience right out of the gate. For some providers there may be value to this but I think most by far would see it as a ridiculous amount of one to one parent care in a group setting. The newbie provider needs to work out what she will do when subjected to these kinds of requests as they will come often. The parent who is concerned about crying brain damage is becoming the majority. How they deal with "transition" to stave off the brain damage will be different with each parent. One thing for certain... the solution will ALWAYS be more. More one to one... more parent... more time. It won't translate into the provider having a smooth easy time as she gets to know the kid.

The provider also needs the experience of divesting a TON of prestart time and "transition" time and end up loosing the kid anyway because the one to one no cry care can't really be done in a group and the provider dissatisfaction for working SO hard for so little will rear it's head soon. Providers who consider doing this kind of upfront investment need to set basic pay rates to reflect the high probability that they will only have the child a short time after the parent interviewing and transitioning stops. They need to require a substantial upfront amount of money that will pay for the slot for the duration of how long it takes to fill a slot. They need at least a full MONTH of salary from the point where the "transition" time stops forward. That way they have some security of income to cover till the next no cry baby comes along. If she does it for free... meaning only getting care money for this level of parent time she will learn VERY quickly she did a ton of work for a few dollars an hour. That will sting.

More than half of my consulting work now is working with providers trying to manage attachment parents with no cry babies (no cry in fear of brain damage) , toddlers, and the preschooler who has been raised in it in their setting. I never in a million years thought I would have income coming in as a direct result of no cry parenting. Never thought I would make a dime off of it... but alas it is quite the money maker.

[DaycareMom]

Yes, everyone is right! You need to give it time.
Babies cry!
She is adjusting to a new caregiver and environment.
It seems as if you WANT your child to have separation anxiety.
I would never let a DCP stay to make the adjustment "easier". It may be easier for YOU but trust me, it's only confusing and harder for your daughter.
I think your provider is amazing for sending you pics every hour.
Let your daughter and provider have time to bond.

Let us know what you end up doing. Good luck!

[Unregistered]

Honesty with yourself is required. What is it that you feel is best for your family? Honesty about what you feel is best for both you and your child. Honesty about the temperment of your child and the care you feel is best for her.

You have said she "She never does this at home. She almost never cries. If she wants something she kind of babbles in a very loud, whinny voice." yet have also said "She was VERY colicky when she was little. I listened to nothing but crying for months and I know every kind of cry she makes."

IF you want your child to be in care, then allow her and the provider time to adjust.

[Unregistered]

NannyDe is right.
You're perception of what is happening has now become your own truth. You feel that your daughter is being neglected at daycare and in your absence and you don't trust your provider to be able to move past that without your supervision. If that is how you feel, that is fine. Just own it. Quit your job and stay home with your infant. That choice is okay to make!

As has your perception of my situation now become your truth.

I never said I felt she was being neglected and I don't feel that way at all. It's not about trusting the provider, as I mentioned earlier. It's a difference in philosophies on how to acclimate one's child to a new environment. In an article I read it said staying with the child would be beneficial. Sensing that this might be offensive to some sensitive providers I came here looking for opinions on how that request might come across.

[DaycareMom]

As has your perception of my situation now become your truth.

I never said I felt she was being neglected and I don't feel that way at all. It's not about trusting the provider, as I mentioned earlier. It's a difference in philosophies on how to acclimate one's child to a new environment. In an article I read it said staying with the child would be beneficial. Sensing that this might be offensive to some sensitive providers I came here looking for opinions on how that request might come across.

I don't think it's offensive to sensitive providers. I think that most providers who have been doing childcare for a long time, know that staying with a child only makes it harder for the child and the provider. If you are there to be with your child, how is she going to connect with the provider? Of course she will go to you if you are there. You are her mommy!

[crazydaycarelady]

I haven't had time to read all of the responses but my 22 years experience doing home childcare tells me this: you have trained her that if she cries hard enough and long enough you will come and pick her up. She just needs more adjustment time and time to bond with the provider. In time she will learn to trust that the provider will and can meet her needs also. You will always be her preferred choice though and she will never want you to leave. You might try sending along a blanket from home with home smells on it for awhile.

Good luck!

[melilley]

I know, you're so right! I know my "rescue her" mentality is increasing the anxiety for everyone. I need to make up my mind whether I'm in or not. If I'm in I will start focusing more on the positives. Thanks!

I just wanted to let you know that I do sympathize with you.
It's hard to leave your baby. It's hard to know that they are with someone else and not you. It's hard when they cry, especially when they aren't with you. Sometimes, it can just be plain hard.

With that said, I've been on both sides. When I had my dd (10 years ago), I took her to a fcc part time, but not until she was 1. She didn't cry, and seemed to like it so it it was easy for me.
Then when she was 3, I took her to a center dc. I worked there so it was a little easier for me, but she did cry sometimes and it did break my heart, BUT I trusted the teacher and knew that I had to give it time and had to walk away when she cried, it was hard, but if I stayed it would have been worse. (I worked there, but tried to not let her see me unless it was time to go home).

But, during both times, I was in school for child development and had been and was working with children in a dc environment, and that combined with all my experiences working with families, I knew what to expect and what worked best, especially for the child's well being. Even though I hated to see my dd cry (I'm a huge softie), I knew that me being by her only made it worse.

Sorry, I'm trying to get my point across and it's dragging on....

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think that we, as providers, have the experience of working with children and their families, have seen many different scenario's of different family dynamic's (if that makes sense) and know the in's and out's of child development (not all providers, but most). It's easy for us to say do this and do that, because we have been there and done that.

But you as parents, (many) do not have the experience working with kids in a dc/fcc environment. It's really hard for some to see what we see because you haven't been there or done that. I'm not in any way putting anyone down, just saying that it can be really hard for parents to take our advice and be comfortable with it when they have no experience in this field outside of their own children. Just like I probably wouldn't know what to do with your job...

All I can say is take the advice you get on here and do what YOU feel is best.

Gosh....I hope this makes sense. I have a hard time getting my point across, I know what I want to say, just not how to say it! And I think it's awesome that you came on here to get advice, and from your responses, are taking or looking into it!

Good luck!

[nannyde]

As has your perception of my situation now become your truth.

I never said I felt she was being neglected and I don't feel that way at all. It's not about trusting the provider, as I mentioned earlier. It's a difference in philosophies on how to acclimate one's child to a new environment. In an article I read it said staying with the child would be beneficial. Sensing that this might be offensive to some sensitive providers I came here looking for opinions on how that request might come across.

It's not offensive. It's just a bunch of work that most likely won't work out to make the provider money over time.

Your request isn't unusual. Your perception of your baby is VERY VERY common. Your solutions are common.

This aint our first time to this rodeo. I wish newbie parents could understand that what they come up with and attribute to their child we have seen a ZILLION times. It's not unique. It's not special. It's not child specific.

We have had the same words you use come to our ears. We have had the same facial expressions you use to convey your worry. We have had many many requests to do the parent in order to have the money to do the kid.

Your face looks the same.
Your voice inflection is the same.
Your analysis is the same.
Your child is the same.

It's not new. Nothing you have said hasn't come knocking at our door.

It's WORK. The question you should be asking is if this amount of WORK for the provider is worth the money you are paying her. You should ask what kind of compensation should you be offering to her that is above the child care rate to compensate her for doing you and your kid at this level.

It's not about you or what you think your kid needs. It's about WORK and time. Work and time that will most likely end the way it ended with your previous providers.

No offense to you OP though. Please don't take me wrong. I'm all for picking the kind of parenting you want for your kid. She's your kid so do as you wish. I've been at this long enough to know there are a zillion right ways to raise a kid. My only interest is how does that work in group care and what cost to the provider to fetter through no cry parenting to find the ones who will stay. Your chances of staying are so slim. Your perception is dangerous to a providers long term success. It just is what it is. You could really damage someone's future with your perceptions if you decided to spread the word.

[daycarediva]

I agree.
And daycarediva...I think you mean swing, not crib...

:: yes, swing.