I'm A New DCM - Question For Providers

[Unregistered]

I mean this in the niecest way possible but how do you expect your child to get used to anyone if you move her every time she cries.

I didn't move her because she was crying; i moved her because the Provider didn't speak english well and I couldn't ask what was going on. the assistant spoke no english at all. She couldn't even call me in an emergency. I couldn't communicate with her. I'm just not comfortable with that.

[Lucy]

I didn't move her because she was crying; i moved her because the Provider didn't speak english well and I couldn't ask what was going on. the assistant spoke no english at all. She couldn't even call me in an emergency. I couldn't communicate with her. I'm just not comfortable with that.

Just curious why you started with their program in the first place?

[dingledine]

I think staying an hour isn't much to ask, although it could be awkward. I've done this. I did this for a day or two once. The girl was 17mo, she cried for the first few days on and off, then she was fine.

It is hard though, because a provider has to try to balance it between caring for your/her child, and you.

[Unregistered]

if she was crying on the way home one day and you were able to soothe her quickly then it really isnt that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. babies cry, especially during big changes so I wouldnt necessarily read too much into that or feel like every thing she does "means" something. you are going to exhaust yourself trying to figure it all out. if over the whole picture of the week, things worked well and you have a comfort level with the provider then that sounds pretty good to me.

It wasn't just a cry, though. She was screaming hysterically. I'm no stranger to a crying baby. She was VERY colicky when she was little. I listened to nothing but crying for months and I know every kind of cry she makes. I know the difference between fussy and in duress, and I know my own limitations when trying to meet her needs. If she had just been fussy, whinny, crying, even heavy crying, I could accept that she's adjusting to feeding/sleeping, or whatever. I do feel like this particular cry is very serious and will be a big deal in the grand scheme of things if I ignore it.

[daycare]

It wasn't just a cry, though. She was screaming hysterically. I'm no stranger to a crying baby. She was VERY colicky when she was little. I listened to nothing but crying for months and I know every kind of cry she makes. I know the difference between fussy and in duress, and I know my own limitations when trying to meet her needs. If she had just been fussy, whinny, crying, even heavy crying, I could accept that she's adjusting to feeding/sleeping, or whatever. I do feel like this particular cry is very serious and will be a big deal in the grand scheme of things if I ignore it.

Is she only doing this cry at daycare or at home too?

Maybe she is getting an ear infection or other issue ??? Maybe a call to the doc ??

[Unregistered]

Just curious why you started with their program in the first place?

I know, right!! Because she was so highly recommended. She often gets siblings for generations and the parents love her. They consider her the grandma. And the kids learn her language. Some kids know three languages (mom/dad speaks two) by the time they are five. Our LG would have known three languages by the time she was five and that would have been awesome. Plus we might have picked it up as well.

[blandino]

I'm getting a lot of responses that this couldn't be separation anxiety since she's too young. Please allow me to explain in a little more detail what led me to think that it is separation anxiety and then I would like to hear what you all think. I think the brevity of my first post might have led to some confusion due to over-simplification. It might be a little long so I appreciate whomever gets through it! I'd love to know what is really going on because if she doesn't get better I'm not going to do my Ph.D.

This is the second daycare that I am trying out. The first daycare started out similar to this one; she did fine the first couple of days. She only goes twice a week for four hours each time. I have no particular nap schedule for her at home. She falls asleep in her swing when she's tired.

I stayed with her for the first day, which was for four hours.

Day two: Provider said she did great. She was eating when I arrived so I sat and waited for her to finish eating. Shortly after she started crying hysterically. I picked her up and she stopped crying. The Provider said it's because she could hear my voice and wanted me.

Day three: Provider said she cried a lot but thought she was just tired.

Day four: I called mid morning to hear her screaming hysterically in the background. Provider said she didn't know why she was crying. When I picked her up, hours later, provider was feeding her and she was crying (not hysterically, though). I picked her up and she stopped crying. In the car she was a little bizarre. She would scream and cry, then laugh, then babble, then scream and cry. It was really pretty scary actually. Seemed like some kind of anxiety attack. The rest of the day her movements were very erratic and hyper. She wouldn't really make eye contact with me.

She started crying more at home.

Day five: There was an assistant there while the Provider was at an appt. After handing her to the assistant she started screaming, wailing. The assistant put her in a seat and she scream even louder. I picked her up, she stopped crying and we went home.

I didn't go back to that daycare. Unfortunately the Provider and the assistant speak very little english so I had no way of really communicating with them.

On to daycare number 2.

The first day I stayed for two hours. When the Provider took her she got teary eyed but I smiled at her and told her she was fine. She teared up a couple of other times when Provider had her but she would look at me and I'd smile at her and she would be better. After I left she was fine the rest of the day.

Day two: Provider sends me pictures about every hour and she did great. All smiles.

She stopped crying at home and started her babbling/whinny voice again (So CUTE!!)

Day three: Around mid-afternoon, two hours into her time there, I hadn't gotten any pictures from Provider in awhile so I knew she must be freaking out. I drove there early to pick her up. When I held her she stopped crying. Provider took her again and she started crying again. I took her back, she stopped crying. Provider said she tried to give her a bottle but she didn't want it.

Provider told me that my lo is starting to realize that I'm not coming back to pick her up.

THE END! So you see, it's not just my observations, I was told by both Providers that she missed me/needed me. The first provider has been in the field for 15 years. Through my own observations as well it seems as though she misses me, or at least feels very insecure where she is. Her napping and eating times at these daycares was not significantly different then what we do on an average day at home.

If after reading this you feel it is something else I would love to hear it! I was also in tears all day today!

I would give it more time, really honestly. I have had several infants who have acted similarly to this, and after some adjustment time they were happy,thriving, children. Some wouldn't take bottles for up to two weeks, and would scream when we tried to feed them. If you feel confident in the care giver's abilities, and level of care she is receiving (which it appears that you do), then I would just allow her to adjust to being there. Adjustment isn't always easy for the parent or child, but it sounds as if an adjustment period to being away from you is going to happen no matter where she is, so your best bet is to choose a daycare that you are comfortable with and just give her the time to adjust. I personally, say 1 month for your average child to adjust, and up to 2 months for some. If you just give it time, she will get used to and get into a groove with her new provider.

Now, I will say because her current provider is a new provider, she might not be used to the adjustment periods. I would just keep an open communication with her about it. Talk to the provider, and keep things consistent from daycare to home. Does the provider have a swing ? Is she allowed to let her sleep in it ? A lot of daycare providers legally can't let a child sleep in a swing, so if that's an issue for her - I would stop it at home. Having no major differences between the way things are done at daycare and at home, is the absolute easiest way to help her adjust. If she is allowed to let her fall asleep in a swing, then it might be worth it to bring your swing back and forth every day. Personally, I would not travel with the swing, and just switch to a new way of putting her to sleep that works for you both.

Even though she is 4 months, and cannot have actual separation anxiety - she is aware that things are different (different smells, different noises, different environment as a whole). It is going to take some adjustment on her part.

[Unregistered]

Is she only doing this cry at daycare or at home too?

Maybe she is getting an ear infection or other issue ??? Maybe a call to the doc ??

I would think that as well but no, she doesn't do this at home at all. She has cried like this once or twice when she was younger due to her reflux (i think) but that is about it. Of course now that she's older it sounds a little different but it's about the same kind of urgency. Oh wait, she cried like this recently after she got her vaccine shots, too. she had a nasty reaction with fever, inflammation, whole leg turned red

I don't think it's a physical need since she stops whenever I pick her up and she doesn't start up again until the next time she's at daycare.

[blandino]

I would think that as well but no, she doesn't do this at home at all. She has cried like this once or twice when she was younger due to her reflux (i think) but that is about it. Of course now that she's older it sounds a little different but it's about the same kind of urgency. Oh wait, she cried like this recently after she got her vaccine shots, too. she had a nasty reaction with fever, inflammation, whole leg turned red

I don't think it's a physical need since she stops whenever I pick her up and she doesn't start up again until the next time she's at daycare.

If she is stopping whenever you pick her up, then I would take her crying with a grain of salt. As a mom, I know it is tough to hear, but if the crying stops on a dime after being picked up, then she wasn't too emotionally distressed to being with.

Also, again, I know it's tough to handle - but her crying isn't fatal - and as long as her basic needs are being met - she might just need to work through the crying. Does she stop crying when the daycare provider picks her up ?

[daycare]

I would think that as well but no, she doesn't do this at home at all. She has cried like this once or twice when she was younger due to her reflux (i think) but that is about it. Of course now that she's older it sounds a little different but it's about the same kind of urgency. Oh wait, she cried like this recently after she got her vaccine shots, too. she had a nasty reaction with fever, inflammation, whole leg turned red

I don't think it's a physical need since she stops whenever I pick her up and she doesn't start up again until the next time she's at daycare.

I could just be that she's is afraid of the new provider because she has not gotten to now her and trust her yet.

At this age translations to daycare is always harder for the parents than the child. Trust us that when we say give it time, we promise you it will happen.

However , if you are not comfortable with the provider, which will take time for you too, then pull her.

Like my story about the stray cat. It all takes time.

I had a little one that was fine if I let him be, but if I picked him up he screamed like I was pinching him. He was very part time and it took about 3 months before he finally got to fully trust me and know me. He stayed with me for 3 years.

Take a deep breath at drop off and as hard as it is, just give one hug one kiss I love you and leave. Again this is if you feel your baby is safe with the provider, which sounds like she is.

[Unregistered]

I would give it more time, really honestly. I have had several infants who have acted similarly to this, and after some adjustment time they were happy,thriving, children. Some wouldn't take bottles for up to two weeks, and would scream when we tried to feed them. If you feel confident in the care giver's abilities, and level of care she is receiving (which it appears that you do), then I would just allow her to adjust to being there. Adjustment isn't always easy for the parent or child, but it sounds as if an adjustment period to being away from you is going to happen no matter where she is, so your best bet is to choose a daycare that you are comfortable with and just give her the time to adjust. I personally, say 1 month for your average child to adjust, and up to 2 months for some. If you just give it time, she will get used to and get into a groove with her new provider.

Now, I will say because her current provider is a new provider, she might not be used to the adjustment periods. I would just keep an open communication with her about it. Talk to the provider, and keep things consistent from daycare to home. Does the provider have a swing ? Is she allowed to let her sleep in it ? A lot of daycare providers legally can't let a child sleep in a swing, so if that's an issue for her - I would stop it at home. Having no major differences between the way things are done at daycare and at home, is the absolute easiest way to help her adjust. If she is allowed to let her fall asleep in a swing, then it might be worth it to bring your swing back and forth every day. Personally, I would not travel with the swing, and just switch to a new way of putting her to sleep that works for you both.

Even though she is 4 months, and cannot have actual separation anxiety - she is aware that things are different (different smells, different noises, different environment as a whole). It is going to take some adjustment on her part.

thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

[Unregistered]

If she is stopping whenever you pick her up, then I would take her crying with a grain of salt. As a mom, I know it is tough to hear, but if the crying stops on a dime after being picked up, then she wasn't too emotionally distressed to being with.

Also, again, I know it's tough to handle - but her crying isn't fatal - and as long as her basic needs are being met - she might just need to work through the crying. Does she stop crying when the daycare provider picks her up ?

her crying starts again when the provider picks her up. i'm concerned for her emotional needs. i'm worried that she'll have abandonment issues or something. the one day after daycare that she wouldn't make eye contact with me the rest of the day was alarming. she regularly stares at me all the time.

[Unregistered]

I think staying an hour isn't much to ask, although it could be awkward. I've done this. I did this for a day or two once. The girl was 17mo, she cried for the first few days on and off, then she was fine.

It is hard though, because a provider has to try to balance it between caring for your/her child, and you.

i understand that it is awkward and complicated having me there. i would feel bad but this provider has no other kids. and i feel that my lg must feel this same awkwardness with a new person trying to care for her. i think it would help her immensely to have an adult to communicate for her.

[blandino]

thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

I would truly give it more time, from the bottom of my heart. I really think that time will settle everything.

In my personal opinion, at 4 months, if all of her needs are met and there is nothing that the provider can do to make her stop - then it won't be detrimental for her to cry. In my honest opinion, if all her basic needs are met, then there is little risk of emotional issues. I think the emotional/abandonment issues would exist if all of her needs weren't being met, and a child is left to cry.

I have had a few children that age refuse bottles for the first week. It was solely because it was a new environment, with a new person, and it just wasn't the way the child had had taken bottles for the past 4 months (his entire life). If you think about it, the last 4 months is the only thing she knows and now things have all changed. Luckily, both parents had a "when they are hungry, they will drink" attitude, and surely enough - when they got hungry enough they drank. I wouldn't worry to much about her starting to refuse bottles, if she didn't do it on day 1.

[blandino]

thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

Honestly, in my experience - the older an infant is the harder a time they have adjusting to a new place. A 6/7 month old is SO much more aware of their surroundings, and much more aware that you aren't there. So I would think that it would only get worse if she were older.

I would give a yourself an ultimatum, and tell yourself that you will continue on your current path for a month, and wait out that month, and then reevaluate. I really think things will be easier/better sooner than a month.