Looking For Advice Please!!

[Cat Herder]

Did you see how the home providers reacted here in this forum? You were told that if you'd discussed the situation with other parents, that you'd be terminated.

That actually goes for large centers, too.

My job was overseeing several large centers in the region on a Risk Management / Training Coordinating (big words for watching for and retraining teachers acting badly) level before I opened my own.

Talking to other clients of the center about the behavior of their child is a terminable offense.

The teachers can be fired for telling you which child hurt who. It is about protecting that family's/child's privacy. It is a BIG DEAL. Check out your own State regs about it. It should be on your BOE website, too.

The correct route would be to go to the Director. If no help then to the State Resource and Referral Agency. All of that is publicly available information.

I agree that providers blackballing parents is against business ethics, but that does not mean this parent should not be aware it exists. I just want her to know the risks. I am a Mother, too, you know.

The bottom line was this is a bad situation for everyone involved. It needs to end fast.

This is straight from Mass. website:

POLICY STATEMENT: Confidentiality of Family Information(

102 CMR 3.10(4)(b)1 Information contained in a resident's record is privileged and confidential.
102 CMR 5.13(1)(e) Information contained in children's, birth parent's, foster and adoptive parent's records shall be privileged and confidential.
606 CMR 7.04(12) Information pertaining to children and their families is privileged and confidential. No licensee or educator may distribute or release information about a child or his/her family to any unauthorized person, or discuss with any unauthorized person information about a child or his/her family without the written consent of the child’s parent.
All EEC child care and placement licensing regulations contain provisions that protect the information contained in children’s records from unauthorized use and from disclosure to anyone not directly involved in implementing the child’s program without written consent of the child’s parents. The intent of these regulations is to protect the privacy of children and families.

Therefore, early education and care and child placement programs and their staff may not distribute, share or discuss information (including photographs or other images) about children and families in their care by any means, whether written or verbal, using any medium, including but not limited to telephone, e-mail or electronic text, without the expressed written permission of the child’s parents or pursuant to a court order. Images of children, whether or not they are identified by name, as well as personal information related to children and their families, may not be posted on the publicly accessible portions of "Face Book", "My Space", or any other similar online directory, social utility or networking website under any circumstances. However, images of children and personal information related to children and families may be shared on the restricted, private portions of such websites only with the express written permission of the child’s parents


Early education and care and child placement program staff may not discuss children and families in their care with anyone not directly involved in implementing the child’s program, including but not limited to other parents in the program, and may not distribute copies of information in a child’s record without the expressed written permission of the parents or pursuant to a court order.

[new unregistered]

I haven't been able to get on this site for a few days, but I'm a littler hurt of how some of the providers responded. As a parent I know I have the right to tell someone who can and can't change my childs diapers. I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to tell the provider that someone other than her and her assistance should not be changing my sons diapers. My child is 2 by the way and not 3+...so I think it's perfectly acceptable for him to be in diapers still. I brought up the other mother not paying because someone asked me if she is paying extra...and all of the information I've told you about I didn't go digging to find...the provider herself has told me all of it. Your talking about messing with someones livily hood, but I dont have to do that. She is messing with her own livily hood by keeping a child there that is harming all the other kids only because she thinks she can save him (which will eventually come back to bit her when his mother finally wakes up). By the way, as i mentioned I am very close with the other mother (we go out together alot and bring the kids to do stuff together...so how could I be terminated for talking to a friend?)

We decided to find a new place for my son, however I also think I should find a new place for support. Appearently the daycare community is very close knitt if this is how you treat others who are just coming looking for advice.

Thanks for all the people who were understanding and helped!

[sharlan]

I am glad that you are looking for another daycare situation for your son. I'm sorry that you didn't find the reassurance here that you wanted.

You came here asking for advice. You got honest, factual answers from the providers here. When you ask for advice from strangers, you get THEIR opinion. You did not ask for someone to hold your hand and pat you on the back.

You post concerns that you have for your son's safety, but say you don't want to traumatize him by switching providers. Being bullied by another child everyday can be traumatizing.

IMHO, you seemed more concerned about YOUR friendships with the provider and other moms than you did about your son's safety.

[Michael]

I haven't been able to get on this site for a few days, but I'm a littler hurt of how some of the providers responded. As a parent I know I have the right to tell someone who can and can't change my childs diapers. I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to tell the provider that someone other than her and her assistance should not be changing my sons diapers. My child is 2 by the way and not 3+...so I think it's perfectly acceptable for him to be in diapers still. I brought up the other mother not paying because someone asked me if she is paying extra...and all of the information I've told you about I didn't go digging to find...the provider herself has told me all of it. Your talking about messing with someones livily hood, but I dont have to do that. She is messing with her own livily hood by keeping a child there that is harming all the other kids only because she thinks she can save him (which will eventually come back to bit her when his mother finally wakes up). By the way, as i mentioned I am very close with the other mother (we go out together alot and bring the kids to do stuff together...so how could I be terminated for talking to a friend?)

We decided to find a new place for my son, however I also think I should find a new place for support. Appearently the daycare community is very close knitt if this is how you treat others who are just coming looking for advice.

Thanks for all the people who were understanding and helped!

When I first read your post and felt it was pretty straight forward. I also wondered how it would be taken in a forum that is mostly dominated by providers. My first thought was; will she be offended by the opinions offered. While the comments here were straight foward and helpful I figured that another parent would not find the support they were looking for amongst other parents.

You did post in the "Parents and Guardians Forum" and most that answered you were provider members. I still can't figure out how to either cross the Provider vs Parents divide or separate the two completely.

Any suggestions or ideas would be helpful.

[new unregistered]

When I first read your post and felt it was pretty straight forward. I also wondered how it would be taken in a forum that is mostly dominated by providers. My first thought was; will she be offended by the opinions offered. While the comments here were straight foward and helpful I figured that another parent would not find the support they were looking for amongst other parents.

You did post in the "Parents and Guardians Forum" and most that answered you were provider members. I still can't figure out how to either cross the Provider vs Parents divide or separate the two completely.

Any suggestions or ideas would be helpful.

I thought posting in the Parents and Guardians forum I would get responses from other parents who had been in similar situations or could just give me advice. If I knew this was going to happen and be called a bad mom and threatened with slander law suits and termination by providers I would have never joined this site. What is this site for? It looks like for providers to gang up on parents who are just looking for advice in the situation they are in. I never talked bad or slandered my provider...I was simply stating the situation and asking for advice from other parents. I wish there was a way to delete my account and thread as I will never post anything on here again. Thank you to the mothers that posted.

[Michael]

There is nothing from what I read in this thread that could make you libel since you are not using the provider's name and location. Actually what the providers are giving you is sound advice if you do file a complaint.

I will delete your account as requested. Sorry you did not find the support you were looking for.

[youretooloud]

We decided to find a new place for my son, however I also think I should find a new place for support. Appearently the daycare community is very close knitt if this is how you treat others who are just coming looking for advice.

Thanks for all the people who were understanding and helped!

First.. there are some really good parenting sites where you will find mostly parents, not providers online. The occasional provider will chime in. Check out Mothering.com's forums. They have all sorts of boards, and a working parents board. You could ask this same question and get totally different opinions from different forums. But, be open minded.

Second, no matter where you put him, he'll run into a bully. I feel bad for the other kid who's mom clearly doesn't want him. If you turn in the provider, most likely it's the parent who will be charged. So, if you like this mom, I wouldn't make any reports.

[cheerfuldom]

OP if you ever come back to see this thread, I think you are doing the right thing in moving your son. If I was a parent and I really felt that the children were in danger then yes I would tell other parents. However, in this case, all the things you mentioned are things that you are uncomfortable with (like the family members at the house and assisting with the daycare, etc) and those are things that other parents may not care about. Let them decide for themselves if they are comfortable with the kids being there. I'm sorry you didn't feel very supported here but you also have to keep in mind that when you post online, you are opening your situation up to opinions and you cannot control what others say. Just take what you can from the posts and disregard the rest. Just because someone posted something does not make them right (or wrong) and also, we don't know you and every single detail about the situation so you have to decide on your own what to do. Don't be too sensitive about what strangers are saying. That type of thing is going to happen in every forum no matter the topic.

[Unregistered]

I haven't been able to get on this site for a few days, but I'm a littler hurt of how some of the providers responded. As a parent I know I have the right to tell someone who can and can't change my childs diapers. I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to tell the provider that someone other than her and her assistance should not be changing my sons diapers. My child is 2 by the way and not 3+...so I think it's perfectly acceptable for him to be in diapers still. I brought up the other mother not paying because someone asked me if she is paying extra...and all of the information I've told you about I didn't go digging to find...the provider herself has told me all of it. Your talking about messing with someones livily hood, but I dont have to do that. She is messing with her own livily hood by keeping a child there that is harming all the other kids only because she thinks she can save him (which will eventually come back to bit her when his mother finally wakes up). By the way, as i mentioned I am very close with the other mother (we go out together alot and bring the kids to do stuff together...so how could I be terminated for talking to a friend?)

We decided to find a new place for my son, however I also think I should find a new place for support. Appearently the daycare community is very close knitt if this is how you treat others who are just coming looking for advice.

Thanks for all the people who were understanding and helped!

To the OP: I'm the unregistered that posted the actual nice, helpful answer and I'm actually a mom posting in the parents forum as it should be. I won't apologize for the way providers behave and react in this forum. If you read their threads, they attack any and all unregistered and parents posting here. Yet if you read theirs, they actually support each other in finding ways to cover up their own children bullying and physically attacking their daycare kids. It's unbelievable - it's not a support forum, it's more of a cult, because the same issues you'd attack a parent over, you are 100% supportive of a provider covering up, even if it's not right or they could get written up by the state for it. I'm glad you deleted your account - don't doubt that at least one member of this daycare forum figured out who you were and reported and copied everything to your previous provider. They've already said they blacklist people. I can't actually believe that Michael says the providers were straight forward and helpful - read the threads, very few nice, respectful posts, mostly rude and mean.

[sahm1225]

I am joining in a little bit late, but figured I would throw in my .02 cents anyway. I had my son in daycare before becoming a daycare provider, so I will answer to you as a parent first and then a daycare provider:

parent - This does not seem like a safe environment for your child. It would really bug me that when you brought up the fact that the other child was being a bit aggressive that it was blown off. That would be red flag number one. Even if it's just one year before preschool, that just seems like too long of a time for him to be in a situation that you don't feel safe with. Your little boy probably still loves the daycare, but that is because that is all he is used to. Changing daycares I think is more traumatic for the parents than the child (but that doesn't mean I agree with changing every few months either!). I would schedule a meeting with the provider and go over your concerns BUT I would also be looking for new daycare. The one thing that bugs me is that your friend has pretty much abandoned her child at the daycare.

as a provider - I would be upset if a parent felt the need to report me and didn't talk to me first. This provider is telling you WAY too much of her personal information, but I'm sure she is not only going to be hurt but also pissed off that you are telling everyone her busines..

I wish you the best of luck - as a parent and provider, I think the best thing to do is remove your child. It's not a safe environment for him at this point nad he will adjust at a new location just fine.

hello all! I'm new to the forum, but I'm at a dead end of what I should do and just need advice or was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. My son is 2 years 3 months. He has been at the same home daycare provider since he was 3 months old. She is the wife of a guy I work with (not closely, but at the same company), and lives right around the corner. At first she was awsome! She would have certain time set aside to learn with the kids and always feed them really good and organic foods. She was really loving and caring and my son never wanted to leave when I went to pick him up because he loved it, and I loved that. I raved to everyone about how great she was. Now things have taken a drastic turn.

I had become friendly with her because she was so great with the kids and a really nice person, and I also became close with one of the other mothers (who I used to work with and hers son is the same age as my son). The mother that I became close with was laid off about 8 months ago and ever since she has not taken her son out of the day care and the day care provider has now assumed the resposbility of being his mother. The boy has not left her home in months. He sleeps there, she buys him clothes, food, etc. All while his mother goes out on dates, goes to the gym, and does her own thing. Because the child is living there, he is now bullying all the kids because he thinks all the toys and things in the day care/house belong to him. It has been 3 seperate occasions within the last 8 months that my son has come home with scrathes on his face. Among other bumps and bruises, but I am mostly concerned with those on his face. It happened again yesterday and I'm sure the day care provider lied to me and told me that he was rubbing his eye and that's how he got scratches under his eye. My son (who is very advanced in speaking and thinking skills for his age) told me that the little boy grabbed his faced (he showed me what he did), and scratched his eye. But the day care provider is now telling me that there was no way he could have done it because he was in the kitchen with her. I know that he did not get scratches from rubbing his eye...but the provider is sucked so far into thinking this is her child that she won't see anyone elses side. As we were talking this morning, the little boy walked over to the 1 year old girl that was sitting on the floor playing with a doll and just pushed her over for no reason. When i pointed to it she told me "he's just aggressive." She says she will keep an eye on the boys more, but I don't think she thinks it's a big deal. I asked her if she thought that maybe because he's living there he thinks everything is his and she got defensive right away and said "no, he's always been agressive." My biggest fear is he is going to push my son or one of the other kids down the stairs one day. Instead of blaming on this child, she acts like they are all pushing and hitting each other, but it's really that the kids have gotten upset with the boy bullying them that they have begun to push and hit him back...but then she blames both parties and not just the little boy.

I tried talking to his mother today this afternoon and she just didn't think it was a big deal telling me that "both of them leave marks on each other" even though no one has ever brought to my attention that my son has left a mark on her son (other than 1 bite mark I was shown over 6 months ago)

I'm not sure what I should do. He only has 1 more year before preschool and he loves it at this place, he's comfortable and I don't want to traumatize him by taking him out and putting him somewhere else just yet.

Is what she's doing even legal? can you have a child of the daycare (that is not yours or in any way related) living at your house?

can you anonymously report a day care, so the company that regulates her will do a pop up visit and check it out?

any advice would be great! :confused: