Attachment Parenting

[MommyMuffin]

I was just wondering if anyone else practices attachment parenting techniques with their own children and/or daycare children.

I am practicing attachment parenting as well as grace based parenting with my own children but I am having a hard time doing so with the daycare children.

It takes a lot of time and I find that I dont have sufficient time to "connect" deeply with each daycare child while making meals, cleaning, changing diapers. How do you grow that connection with your dc kids? I know that I am not their parent but I would like to be an important part of their lives and it seems they are not connecting or attaching to me. It seems they only need me for FOOD, they dont initiate or ask for hugs, cuddling, sweet words...hardly a goodbye to me when parents arrive. Just want to know I am making a difference and that they see me as a caregiver during the time they are in my care.

[MommyMuffin]

I was just wondering if anyone else practices attachment parenting techniques with their own children and/or daycare children.

I am practicing attachment parenting as well as grace based parenting with my own children but I am having a hard time doing so with the daycare children.

It takes a lot of time and I find that I dont have sufficient time to "connect" deeply with each daycare child while making meals, cleaning, changing diapers. How do you grow that connection with your dc kids? I know that I am not their parent but I would like to be an important part of their lives and it seems they are not connecting or attaching to me. It seems they only need me for FOOD, they dont initiate or ask for hugs, cuddling, sweet words...hardly a goodbye to me when parents arrive. Just want to know I am making a difference and that they see me as a caregiver during the time they are in my care.

Does anyone else practive gentle parenting or attachment parenting?

[cheerfuldom]

I am very familiar with attachment parenting and I don't personally believe that this is possible in a daycare setting. Attachment parenting is based on the close physical attachment of one child with one parent....there is no way to recreate that in a daycare scenario especially when you are not the parent. AP parents normally co-sleep, breast feed and such to foster that bond and of course, those aren't things you can do with your daycare kids. The biggest influence in a child's life is their own parent so you aren't going to be able to singlehandedly override the style of parenting that this child is receiving at home. In my opinion, I specifically don't create this bond with my daycare children because I have my three kids under four years old in the house during daycare hours. They should have a different relationship with me than the daycare kids. I do hold my daycare babies, give hugs and such but my own kids receive this close bond that is special between me and them. The daycare kids are not my kids, I am not their parent, I do not want that type of relationship with them and I think they should have that with their own parent, not me. I don't want them crying for me when they are at their own home or when they are leaving my home, thats not healthy when their own parent is right there trying to soothe them. I do think that you are well meaning in what you are trying to do but I just don't personally feel that it is realistic in a daycare setting. This style is for parents, not caregivers, and it is the parent that should have the time and commitment for this type of thing if they choose to do it. Your job is to take care of the kids not be their parent. In the reverse, I don't feel that kids raised AP style are suited for daycare at all and their parents are not either. AP is all about that one on one bond and that is not going to happen outside of a nanny situation. You can try and use some techniques but don't overdo it because you are going to burn out quickly. You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I also would not offer this type of care to parents because they will be disappointed when the caregiver is not able to give their child that because there are however many other kids to care for.

[Sunshine44]

No, I do not do it with my child or my dcks. I have also been feeling like I'm not totally connecting with the dcks though. I feel like I do not have enough time in the day to really connect and work with them like I want to.

[cheerfuldom]

I think we all feel like that Sunshine. Taking care of kids is so multitask oriented that it is hard to find that one on one face time that is needed to bond. I heard someone say that is why humans have one, maybe two kids at a time....not a litter. We just aren't made to be able to fully parent 6 to 12 young ones (or more!) at a time.

[MommyMuffin]

I suppose you are right cheer! It is a lovely idea for some of the concepts to overlap into daycare but I feel like I am running around in circles.

I do want that relationship with my own children and I co-sleep, wear my baby and exclusively breast feed and I am trying to learn more ways of AP.

Is it okay to take special (extra) care of my children and provide dcks with essentials; food, support, toys, activities, encouragement, smiles, hugs.

I guess I am having a little guilt trip over how much more attention my children are getting. Perhaps I shouldnt.

thanks cheer

[daysofelijah]

I am very AP with my own kids, but not AT ALL with daycare kids. I am not even "huggy" with dcks. Just never felt the desire to bond with kids that are not own in any close sort of way. Another big reason I am getting out of daycare, I really feel no attachment to the kids or parents and I think parents want a provider who is more attached than what I can (or want to) be.

[SilverSabre25]

I am very AP with my own kids but not so much with dcks. I tried in the beginning, but found quickly that it just doesn't work very well. I try to be affectionate and cuddly with the dcks, to an extent, and I use positive discipline techniques with them. They hug me and tell me they love me (and I say it back when they say it but I don't initiate that), they are sometimes thrilled to come and sad to go--but sometimes sad to come and thrilled to go and that's fine too.

[cheerfuldom]

There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling mommymuffin. You SHOULD have a special relationship with your own kids. One that is so much more unique than what you have with your daycare kids. You are the mommy to your own children. The daycare kids already have parents and its not right to try and overstep your bounds and perhaps unintentionally take that spot. Its a hard balance between providing a great environment for your daycare kids but always making sure that they understand that you are their teacher, not mommy or anywhere close to mommy. There are some parents that say they want AP style provider but if it came down to it, they don't want their child bonding with the provider more than with them. Thats not normal. Just remember OP that the daycare kids have their own rooms, toys, parents, special activities at home that your kids don't get to be a part of. Don't feel that your own kids have to share everything just because the daycare is at their own home. Its something that a lot of providers and provider kids struggle with (I know we do!) but I have long since stopped feeling guilty about it. My own kids are required to follow the same rules for the most part but they do get time in their own room away from the daycare kids or special outings with daddy while I am working and that sort of thing. I am not going to deprive them in the effort of making things fair because at that point, my own kids are the ones that are not being treated correctly. I used to stress so much about trying to keep everything perfectly equal between my kids and the daycare kids and the only thing that caused was a headache and also unhappiness and jealously from my own kids (who are all still under four). Now that I have stopped doing that, everyone is much happier. For instance, if everyone is doing reading time, I am not going to feel guilty if my own child gets a few extra minutes in my lap reading. thats the perk for me and them with me being home all day. They sacrifice tons in other ways so I'm not going to worry about a few other things here and there especially since I haven't found that the daycare kids really care anyway.

[nannyde]

I don't do attachment parenting and honestly I don't know much about it so I can't really compare what I do DO with it.

I'm VERY attached to my day care kids. I love them so much. I would give my life for them. I cry for months when they age out of care or move. It's heartbreaking to me.

I have one going to Kindy this week and I'm devestated.

[cheerfuldom]

From the sounds of it, it is very different from what you do nanny. The main thought is that you meet your child's emotional needs and bond with them through physically being close as much as possible. Co-sleeping, baby wearing, breast feeding (extending well into the toddler years if preferred) are big parts of it. You can google Dr. Sears to get more info. AP parents are also really big into non-vaccinate, non-circumsize, very healthy diets, natural health remedies (like using amber necklaces to help teething babies), child led weaning or child led parenting where you tailor your parenting to meet that particular childs needs or even preferences (such as not putting them on strict schedules, sometimes not even on daily routines period). Its very "one on one" style. No cry-it-out, holding babies as much as they want, that sort of thing. Almost all of the AP parents I know only have one child, maybe two at the most. A few hard core AP parents that I know (some previous daycare parents!) have really had to change it up once baby #2 or #3 came along because at this point you might have three kids in bed with you, nursing two at the same time, babywearing one or even two at a time and that sort of thing. My sister is very AP and she tried to do daycare. She called me completely exhausted because it was not working at all. She ended up closing her daycare because she wasn't willing to alter what she did with her own kids (like co-sleeping for naps) in order to keep the daycare families. I do some of the AP stuff but not at the expense of my sanity. We move our kids from co-sleeping once it is working for us, I stopped breastfeeding before one year with each of my older two, I don't babywear after a child can walk, etc. I think there are a lot of good ideas with this but like anything, you can take it to an extreme.

[nannyde]

From the sounds of it, it is very different from what you do nanny. The main thought is that you meet your child's emotional needs and bond with them through physically being close as much as possible. Co-sleeping, baby wearing, breast feeding (extending well into the toddler years if preferred) are big parts of it. You can google Dr. Sears to get more info. AP parents are also really big into non-vaccinate, non-circumsize, very healthy diets, natural health remedies (like using amber necklaces to help teething babies), child led weaning or child led parenting where you tailor your parenting to meet that particular childs needs or even preferences (such as not putting them on strict schedules, sometimes not even on daily routines period). Its very "one on one" style. No cry-it-out, holding babies as much as they want, that sort of thing. Almost all of the AP parents I know only have one child, maybe two at the most. A few hard core AP parents that I know (some previous daycare parents!) have really had to change it up once baby #2 or #3 came along because at this point you might have three kids in bed with you, nursing two at the same time, babywearing one or even two at a time and that sort of thing. My sister is very AP and she tried to do daycare. She called me completely exhausted because it was not working at all. She ended up closing her daycare because she wasn't willing to alter what she did with her own kids (like co-sleeping for naps) in order to keep the daycare families. I do some of the AP stuff but not at the expense of my sanity. We move our kids from co-sleeping once it is working for us, I stopped breastfeeding before one year with each of my older two, I don't babywear after a child can walk, etc. I think there are a lot of good ideas with this but like anything, you can take it to an extreme.

I know a little about the techniques as you described. I've heard about these over the years. What I don't understand is the "net" result of it. I haven't researched it enough to know how the kids fare in an exceptional or positive way because of it.

I haven't researched it because it doesn't really interest me.

Not against it in any way. I don't see how it would work in child care over the long run but what do I know.

I'm not into baby wearing, co-sleeping, or one to oneing kids. I love "group" care.

When my son was little I just switched his schedule to the opposite of the day care kids. When they were up he was down... when he was up they were down. As he got older their times collided but I had pretty strict schedules in place to make sure he had a "family" life while I did day care.

He's never eaten with the kids. He's never shared a room. He has his own toys and his own space. We moved into this house when he was thirteen months old. I bought this house to have the space to give him a separate life. He bopped in and out of the day care at will but was never offered as a playmate to the kids.

At eleven it's not an issue now. He has his own gig.

Now if I had more than one.... it would have been way harder to make happen.

I did child care for a couple of decades before he was born. I was in my seventh year of home day care when he came along. I was pretty established as a provider by then and had developed my relationships with the kids .... my "way" with them ... LONG before he was born.

Nothing changed when he came along. I feel the same way about the kids as I always have. I loved them then as I do now. Having a child didn't affect the way I felt about the kids I care for.

For me.... I couldn't be with someone five days a week for five years and not be crazy for them. I don't try to not get attached to the kids. As hard as it is when they leave......

AND IT'S REALLY REALLY HARD


I can't help but love them.

I just do.

[cheerfuldom]

I think the general thought is that if you do this style of parenting, you are closer with your child and able to better met their needs and in turn, the child trusts you more and forms a secure attachment to the parents and is then in a healthier frame of mind to become independent. Like I said, I like some of the ideas (which actually aren't anything "new" like co-sleeping) but I don't believe that this style is the only way to form a close bond with your child or them with you. I was actually doing some of these things before I even knew there was a trendy parenting style revolving around them. I started cloth diapering my oldest and sort of became more familiar with the ideas because a lot of AP parents are also really into environmentally friendly choices like cloth diapering.

[nannyde]

I think the general thought is that if you do this style of parenting, you are closer with your child and able to better met their needs and in turn, the child trusts you more and forms a secure attachment to the parents and is then in a healthier frame of mind to become independent. Like I said, I like some of the ideas (which actually aren't anything "new" like co-sleeping) but I don't believe that this style is the only way to form a close bond with your child or them with you. I was actually doing some of these things before I even knew there was a trendy parenting style revolving around them. I started cloth diapering my oldest and sort of became more familiar with the ideas because a lot of AP parents are also really into environmentally friendly choices like cloth diapering.

I am confident that there are many ways to net a great secure and balanced kid. That's for sure.

I wouldn't consider wearing a kid past really newborn and I don't believe in child led in general. From my experience, most crying infants do isn't about something being wrong that needs to be fixed. I look at crying more as a way to blow off excess steam and a way for them to steady themselves or "even out".

Of course there is hunger crying, "uncomfortable" crying, and medical/health issues crying.... but most crying for healthy babies who are having their feeding, sleeping, lovins, etc needs met.. is just exercising. With experience you can almost always tell the difference. Being in the business of stopping or solving crying completely would be exhausting to me. I've seen way too many kids who have had "no cry" parenting and they are.... IME... way fussier than the ones who are raised where they are allowed to express their little feelings without a solution every time by an adult.

So the no crying part of AP wouldn't work for me. The co-sleeping is impossible in this setting and the wearing would have worn me out years ago. I can't see having longevity in this business (i'm talking decades) with a child led, wearing, no cry approach. I know "I" wouldn't be able to manage it but hey... whatever works for you. To each their own.

[sharlan]

My question is, what happens when this child enters school or the real world and there is no one there to meet their every need and want?