Tell Me if I'm Being Unreasonable

[CountryRoads]

Dcb3.5 has never told me has to use the potty. Mom swears that he uses it at home, and she knows he does not use it here. She tried sending him in underwear a few months ago and he had an accident. She stopped mentioning it up until recently. I should add that I have caught her in several lies, so I never believed that he was trained at home.

Everyday it's "you better uses the potty", "you have to use the potty today or you don't get a treat", etc.

He will only use it, and maybe only 75% of the time, if I tell him to sit. He has never told me he has to go. Every diaper change, he is wet.

Dcm shows up this morning and said he was in underwear all weekend. She sent him in underwear today. I'm not very optimistic, but we'll see. Dcm said "I figured if I don't put him in underwear it's never going to happen because he's being stubborn about it here."

My policy is very clear on potty training that he must be trained at home first with parents, then I will assist here. It also says the child must stay in pull-ups until he/she has shown to be potty trained at daycare. I should've spoke up, but I figured I should believe her when she said he was in underwear all weekend.

She told me she packed extra underwear and 2 pairs of pants. But, of course, if he has even 1 accident, he will be going in pull-ups.

Should I wait to see if he has an accident then send her a reminder of my policy? How should I handle this?

[Cat Herder]

You should always enforce your own policies. If they are not important enough to have, then don't have them. :hug: It undermines your professionalism.

Second, he is pretty old to not be potty trained so I understand the frustration for both of you. How many times per day is he being taken to the potty as part of the daily schedule? Is he behind in other milestones? Has she told you of her plans for preschool attendance, yet?

Pull-ups over his cloth is not an unreasonable compromise.

[CountryRoads]

You should always enforce your own policies. If they are not important enough to have, then don't have them. :hug:

Second, he is pretty old to not be potty trained so I understand the frustration for both of you. How many times per day is he being taken to the potty as part of the daily schedule? Is he behind in other milestones? Has she told you of her plans for preschool attendance, yet?

Every diaper change I ask him if he needs to go potty. So, around 9:30, 11:45, after nap (around 2:30), and before he goes home (5:00). He is wet every time. I don't think he is behind on any milestones. We just had a 3 day weekend last weekend, and I really hoped she would work on it with him. But, instead she sent him to his grandma's house. I don't have an answer for why he would be "100% trained at home" (mom's words) but not trained at all here. He's been with me since he was 6 weeks old.

She has mentioned preschool. She told him that if he goes potty he can go to school every once in a while (it's for 3 hours a day, 2 days a week.)

[Blackcat31]

Any time you waive, disregard or bend your policies you are telling parents your policies are negotiable.

If you don't want to continue having to defend your policies you need to stand behind them.

This child might very well be trained at home but not at daycare. Totally common. However, being trained in daycare is YOUR goal and if he simply wets because he's wearing a Pull-up, then he isn't trained. A fully trained child does not pee in a Pull up just because he's wearing it.

I have a couple of DCK's who wear Pull ups and neither of them pees in them. It's just an excuse that throws most providers off.

[Alwaysgreener]

Any time you waive, disregard or bend your policies you are telling parents your policies are negotiable.

If you don't want to continue having to defend your policies you need to stand behind them.

This child might very well be trained at home but not at daycare. Totally common. However, being trained in daycare is YOUR goal and if he simply wets because he's wearing a Pull-up, then he isn't trained. A fully trained child does not pee in a Pull up just because he's wearing it.

I have a couple of DCK's who wear Pull ups and neither of them pees in them. It's just an excuse that throws most providers off.

I have a foster boy that just started, DCM says he was potty trained by the other foster family. Other family trained him to strip and sit on the toilet backwards. He can't hold his pee well enough and starts before he hops on the toilet. My rug, and his clothes get wet everytime. Cw (caseworker) makes him wear a pull up to visit, sometimes it dry when he removes it but not always. The more I send him to the be bathroom, the more he wets things.

DCM says sometimes he puts his under and pants on backwards. He did it because backwards because no one took the time to show him how to do it right. Now that I showed him, he gets it right.

But my question is how do I or should I change the way he sits on the toilet?

I feel he would wet less on my rug and his clothes if he sat properly. (He is 3 and we use the toilet with built in potty ring only, no stool to get on with but could add one. Potty chair is also optional to add if needed.)

[Blackcat31]

But my question is how do I or should I change the way he sits on the toilet?

Many of the boys I've had in care sit the same way.
WHEN they switch to forward sitting and/or standing is individual for each one of them.

Some ready before others so I guess that's not much help but there is definitely no one size fits all in this area of development.

I hear you though on the amount that doesn't get INTO the toilet.

[jenboo]

I have a foster boy that just started, DCM says he was potty trained by the other foster family. Other family trained him to strip and sit on the toilet backwards. He can't hold his pee well enough and starts before he hops on the toilet. My rug, and his clothes get wet everytime. Cw (caseworker) makes him wear a pull up to visit, sometimes it dry when he removes it but not always. The more I send him to the be bathroom, the more he wets things.

DCM says sometimes he puts his under and pants on backwards. He did it because backwards because no one took the time to show him how to do it right. Now that I showed him, he gets it right.

But my question is how do I or should I change the way he sits on the toilet?

I feel he would wet less on my rug and his clothes if he sat properly. (He is 3 and we use the toilet with built in potty ring only, no stool to get on with but could add one. Potty chair is also optional to add if needed.)

I taught my DS to sit backwards too. 1. They feel more secure and don't feel like they are going to fall in. 2. He didn't understand how to push his penis down and would pee out of the toilet.

After 1.5 years (3
5 years old) , he realized that he could stand up to pee I might have cried a little... because his aim is usually off some.

[Unregistered]

Dear daycare providers, is it really a big deal to remind a kid to use the potty?
Any skill doesn't appear from nowhere. So, for the start, it is necessary to remind, a little later, the kid will start doing that without your reminding.

[littlefriends]

Dear daycare providers, is it really a big deal to remind a kid to use the potty?
Any skill doesn't appear from nowhere. So, for the start, it is necessary to remind, a little later, the kid will start doing that without your reminding.

I don’t know that sassiness is really needed for this. I don’t think she’s saying that reminding is the problem.

[Blackcat31]

Dear daycare providers, is it really a big deal to remind a kid to use the potty?
Any skill doesn't appear from nowhere. So, for the start, it is necessary to remind, a little later, the kid will start doing that without your reminding.

Dear parents, is it really a big deal to just be honest with the person that spends more awake time with your child than you? GROUP care isn't the same thing as parenting ONE child.

Reminding a child to use the potty isn't usually the issue or even where the issue starts. It starts with the parents who put their own needs ahead of their child's.

But what do we know, we're just babysitters.

[Unregistered]

Dear parents, is it really a big deal to just be honest with the person that spends more awake time with your child than you? GROUP care isn't the same thing as parenting ONE child.

Reminding a child to use the potty isn't usually the issue or even where the issue starts. It starts with the parents who put their own needs ahead of their child's.

But what do we know, we're just babysitters.

I am a daycare provider too (just forgot my password) )))
There are 12 kids here. No diapers. The three youngest ones just turned 2yo. Every two hours I just say Ray, Sebie, Jack it's time for potty. That's it. They go and do it.
I am too lazy and do not want to change the diapers of 3.5yo kids. Because of that, I start potty training as soon as possible.

[Blackcat31]

I am too lazy and do not want to change the diapers of 3.5yo kids. Because of that, I start potty training as soon as possible.

This is where we differ then
For me it’s not about me and making my life easier.
It’s about the kids and teaching them independence.
A gift that gives all through adulthood.
It’s why I prefer tie shoes and not Velcro etc..
I remind newly trained kids to use the potty but once fully trained I’m out.
It becomes their responsibility.

[Unregistered]

This is where we differ then
For me it’s not about me and making my life easier.
It’s about the kids and teaching them independence.
A gift that gives all through adulthood.
It’s why I prefer tie shoes and not Velcro etc..
I remind newly trained kids to use the potty but once fully trained I’m out.
It becomes their responsibility.

when I do my life easier I also do kids' and parents' life easier. And yes, when a kid is fully trained I’m out, but if a kid is a newly trained I remind. It doesn't matter how old he is: 2yo or 3.5yo.

[Blackcat31]

when I do my life easier I also do kids' and parents' life easier. And yes, when a kid is fully trained I’m out, but if a kid is a newly trained I remind. It doesn't matter how old he is: 2yo or 3.5yo.

Clearly we agree

[Josiegirl]

Potty training is such a dilemma. First of all, who has the ultimate control? The kid, of course. If you push too hard they push back. If you don't push enough they usually do nothing. And every single kid is different with their personality; do they try to please the adults in their life, do they want to be a big kid like the others, do they want to act like a baby, are they handling fears or changes in their life by regressing, are they testing each adult differently. Consistency is so important in this matter. I've had dcks slowly train, then they come in on a Monday in underwear because magically they did great over the weekend. I secretly roll my eyes and go yeh, okay, we'll see how *this* goes. Sometimes it goes great, other times not so much.
As providers we all know the signs to keep watch for to indicate they're ready. But we also need to help guide them and keep them on task because we also know how distracting life can be for them. And as far as telling us they need to go, some kids just never do. How many times have you smelled something funky and you ask a dck if they pooped, no is their answer when clearly the evidence is in their diaper. It's just a kid thing.
I also had in my policies that the parent has to make the initiative at home with good results, for a couple of weeks. But no underwear until they can go with no accidents. I think going back and forth with pull-ups and underwear confuses them so you need to be sure they can accomplish dryness the majority of the time. And I also think they need to be led to the potty if they're showing signs of needing it.
As I said some dcks are so good at it and some need to be helped along the way. I think it's difficult to have the consistency between home and dc that's needed to make the smooth transition.
Good luck with this child. It was one of the things I loathed about dc.
I visited with a former dcm last night and she now has a dc of her own. She said she's got a dck who's learning to use the potty and 3x last Thursday he went in by himself, used it to poop, and made a complete mess of the bathroom. An experience like that can completely ruin your whole day. Yikes. She's learning as she goes but I'm sure we've all had days like that.
And just remember our need germ warfare is #1 with this issue.