Need Pick Up Tips

[daymommy]

Hi everyone, I just found this group and it looks like you guys are really helpful! I've been having a lot of issues at pick up times, especially with one child in particular. I swear he stores up everything I told him to stop doing during the day and starts doing it as soon as he sees his mom (jumping on the couch, climbing the stairs, jumping off stairs, and just throwing tantrums in general). I would love to have them all ready to go when parents come, but the problem is that they all come anywhere between 4 and 5:30, and each persons time is not consistent. I close at 5:30 so whoever is here during the last 10 min or so starts getting their shoes and coats on. Also, I live in a split level, so if I am running up to the entry getting kids ready the kids downstairs start getting wild and acting up.

Anybody have any tips for making pick up time run smoothly and curbing the acting up/tantrums?

Thanks!

[jojosmommy]

Someone has earlier posted about having the parent call when they are a few min away and then have the kids dressed, ready to go. Then when mom/dad picks up kid goes outside with parent.

I make the parents get the kids ready. I live in a split and kids go down to the entry when mom/dad pulls up and then its mom/dads responsibility to get them ready. I keep playing with the other kids to keep them from getting too out of control.

[Zoe]

Someone has earlier posted about having the parent call when they are a few min away and then have the kids dressed, ready to go. Then when mom/dad picks up kid goes outside with parent.

I make the parents get the kids ready. I live in a split and kids go down to the entry when mom/dad pulls up and then its mom/dads responsibility to get them ready. I keep playing with the other kids to keep them from getting too out of control.

Welcome! I agree with this suggestion 100%. We can only multi-task so much. Let the parents take responsibility for getting their kid ready. I would hope that they understand that you can't leave all of the other kids while you get one of them ready to go.

[Autismworld]

What would you do if this child was doing these things without mom or dad being there? That is exactly what you need to do if they do it when the parents arrive... they are still in your home, your rules apply. So if you would normally give a time out for those behaviors, then the child should receive one while mom or dad waits.

[daycare]

Changing of the Guard by Nannyde

looks like you have yet to meet the master...miss nannyde!! AKA the god mother...

this is something that she posted here awhile back and I cant begin to tell you how helpful this has been.... I actually gave this to a few of my parents, minus the part about how the parents misbehave....

I hope that I remembered to copy it all...

Changing of the Guard



Changing of the guard behavior at drop off is when the child goes from being in power/control while in the care of his parents to the provider being in power/control while in the care of the provider. The child cries or acts out because they do not want to relinquish their control. They don't want the control to go to the provider so they delay the transfer of power by acting out.

They also want the provider to see that they are in control because arrivals and departures are the only opportunity the child has to make it clear to the provider that they are in control. As soon as the door closes behind the parent the child looses that really powerful position as their power supply has just backed up out the driveway.

At pick ups again the child realizes that once their power supply (parents) have arrived that they are back into power. They see that the parent again gives them the kingdom and you the provider aren't stopping them from taking over. They are used to the provider being the leader ALL day long so they KNOW something is terribly wrong when you all of a sudden stop leading.

All the kid sees is two adults who are not making him stop and demanding he behave properly in public. He has no choice to become the leader because the adults around him are not doing it. He loves to be the leader but unfortunately is ill equipped for the job as he is just a child. Children should NEVER lead adults. Children should NEVER lead themselves or other children. They are terribly inadequate leaders. When they are allowed the job of leader the entire time they are in that role everything falls apart. Everyone is unhappy and nothing works out well.

[marniewon]

Welcome! I agree with this suggestion 100%. We can only multi-task so much. Let the parents take responsibility for getting their kid ready. I would hope that they understand that you can't leave all of the other kids while you get one of them ready to go.

And yet, some of the parents will stand there making cooing noises at their 2yo's while they can clearly hear that I have a crying/fussy baby in the next room that I need to get to!!!! GRRR!

[daycare]

oopps

Just noticed that the rest of it is missing.... maybe someone else has the entire posting????


sorry

[Autismworld]

Just noticed that the rest of it is missing.... maybe someone else has the entire posting????


sorry

I call the dynamic of bad behavior at drop off and pick up "Changing of the Guard" behavior. It is seen primarily in children who are in charge of the relationship with their parents. It is seen in children who are more powerful than their parents and parents who want their child to be powerful/happy/special/ more than they want the child to have good public and interpersonal relationship. The parent does not want the child to cry so outbursts of obviously inappropriate behavior are acceptable to the parent as long as the child does them without crying and is happy. The harshest discipline used for these kids is "corporal coddling".

Changing of the guard behavior at drop off is when the child goes from being in power/control while in the care of his parents to the provider being in power/control while in the care of the provider. The child cries or acts out because they do not want to relinquish their control. They don't want the control to go to the provider so they delay the transfer of power by acting out.

They also want the provider to see that they are in control because arrivals and departures are the only opportunity the child has to make it clear to the provider that they are in control. As soon as the door closes behind the parent the child looses that really powerful position as their power supply has just backed up out the driveway.

At pick ups again the child realizes that once their power supply (parents) have arrived that they are back into power. They see that the parent again gives them the kingdom and you the provider aren't stopping them from taking over. They are used to the provider being the leader ALL day long so they KNOW something is terribly wrong when you all of a sudden stop leading.

All the kid sees is two adults who are not making him stop and demanding he behave properly in public. He has no choice to become the leader because the adults around him are not doing it. He loves to be the leader but unfortunately is ill equipped for the job as he is just a child. Children should NEVER lead adults. Children should NEVER lead themselves or other children. They are terribly inadaquate leaders. When they are allowed the job of leader the entire time they are in that role everything falls apart. Everyone is unhappy and nothing works out well.

The parent is often misbehaving at the drop off and pick up too. The parent knows when their child is behaving badly in public. They know how the adults around them looks when their child is acting up. They can feel the negative energy and exhasted energy from the adults around their child's public display of bad behavior. THEY KNOW THE PROVIDER HATES IT but they don't take over. They don't put a stop to it.

The parents often feel the provider works FOR them and because they are paying the provider that the provider should just have to DEAL with this witnessing of poor behavior. The parent doesn't care if it upsets you, your other day care kids, your kids. They are paying you and you better get to toleration quick or they will scoot on out your business.

The parent may have some other motivations for allowing it too. They may WANT the child to hang out at the day care before they go to work and after they are off of work because they are trying to get the kid off of their clock for as long as possible. There are a certain segment of parent population who allow misbehavior at drop off and pick up as a STALL technique to keep the child at day care longer. These are the ones that allow a wide breadth of time for their kid to be in care when they really only need nine hours. These parents will often pick providers with open hours so the parent can use time BEFORE work and AFTER work to be at the providers house with the kid because they don't want to be home with the kid by themselves any longer than they have to.



The provider is in a bad situation too. She doesn't like the changing of the guard behavior. She wants the child to behave as he does when SHE is leading him. She feels she can't discipline kids in front of their parent. She knows she wouldn't want someone disciplining HER kids in front of her so she sits back praying to Jesus that the parent put the kabosh on this and take over.

She also knows that it's a pretty touchy deal to start disciplining the kid especially at pick up time. She could offend the parent and the parent could pull the kid. She really really WANTS the kid to LEAVE so she can get on with her own family so she doesn't want to do ANYTHING to get prolong it.

So now you have the perfect storm. The child is being bombarded with badly behaving adults ... adults who are not being true to their feelings... adults who will not do WHATEVER it takes to show the child that the child can NEVER lead in their presence....

and a child who is BEGGING for calm stable minute to minute leadership

I don't have this dynamic in my day care because I do not EVER allow a child to lead in my home. I don't allow them to lead me or lead their parents. From the second the kid hits the inside of my house they are being led by ME. I don't leave the leadership up to the parents. I'm glad when I have ones that DO lead but I'm the leadingest leader no matter what.

IF a child is acting up at arrivals and departures despite my insistence that I be the leader then I institute the "Buh Bye Outside" program. This is where the parent says good bye to the child outside my door at drop off and does NOT come into the house. At pick up "I" say good bye to the child inside the house and send them out the door and the parent does NOT come in the house.

Both arrival and departure the child does not see the parent and I together. The parent brings the child to my door in the morning and says their goodbyes on my front step. They have as long as they want to say goodbye. They can spend an hour there if that's what they need. Once the parent knocks on my door then that is the signal that they are COMPLETELY DONE saying goodbye.

I open the door and just take the child over my threshold and shut the door very quickly. That makes the transition VERY short for the kid. This allows the parent to be the only adult tolerating the child's bad behavior. This takes away the audience for the child and parents bad behavior. This takes away the element of "you have to put up with my prince/princesses behavior because I am the boss of you and I pay you".

At departure the parent is to call me within five minutes of the arrival and we do the same thing in reverse. As soon as the parent arrives on my doorstep I open it up and assist the kid back over the threshold and quickly shut my door.

Rinse and repeat.

It usually takes about three days of the buh bye outside program to get both the parent and child to behave. By the third day the parent is bored out of their mind standing outside with their kid. The kid realizes that there isn't an audience for his behavior and the message that ANY time he is around the provider the provider is in charge is not broken or challenged.

I can always tell when we are ready to start integrating them back into the house by the decrease in the kids fit. I watch them thru the window. When the kid just comes and stands at my doorway looking at the door then I know it's time to start letting them EASE their way back into saying goodbye inside the house.

I start by allowing it at drop off but if the child causes any chaos they go back to saying good bye outside immediately. If drop off goes well for a few days then we try the inside departure. The slightest hint that the kid is going to act up and we go back to just donig the departure outside.

It's very important for the provider to take charge of the entire time the child is in your home. If you allow the parents to be the leader you will very often find that they won't do it. There are a LOT of parents who feel that their child should lead because they are special and they are theirs. It is becoming increasingly difficult to find parents who believe that they should always lead and that it is an embarrasment and a shame for their child to behave poorly around the day care.

It is an embarrasment and a shame that kids behave badly in public. We are their public. The only way to get the whole cycle to stop in my experience is to completely take charge of the entire thing. I don't allow ANY misbehavior when they are in my home. I don't hesitate in ANY way to discipline the children when they are under my roof. I don't give a flip whether their parents are here or not. The children NEVER see my behavior change when their parents arrive. I don't act differently to the child when the parent is here. I'm just as strict with my expectations whether the parent is there or not.

I don't allow parents to misbehave in my house. If they do not seize control of their kid and despite my interjections the kids are still acting up then they are not allowed the PRIVLEDGE of doing arrivals and departures inside my home. Once the parent and child looses the privledge of arrivals and departures inside they very quickly get bored of the rediculous behavior and start behaviing... BOTH the parent and the child start behaving.

Bottom line is stop allowing the kid and the parent to misbehave on your properly. Your house your rulses for EVERYBODY. Be the leader the child and parent need you to be. Be the leader every second of the time you have them in your home.

When you lead they will follow and peace will be yours.

[DCMomOf3]

take Nan's advice if at all possible.

Welcome!!

[momatheart]

YEP like I suggested before this CHANGING OF THE GAURD needs its own sticky post that no one can comment on one can just read when needed. It would have multiple clicks.

[daymommy]

I LOVE the changing of the guard, buh bye outside!!! Just out of curiosity what is the reaction from parents when you tell them they have to say goodbye outside?? I just might have to try it...pick ups really can't get any worse!

[daymommy]

I have tried sending him upstairs and let mom get him ready, but the behavior she allows is unacceptable. He will either hurt himself (jumping off stairs) hurt someone else (throwing shoes down the stairs), or destroy my property. It's frustrating because I have a houseful of other kids who need my attention or everything turns to chaos!

Thanks for the advise guys, it's always good to hear what works for others.

[nannyde]

I have tried sending him upstairs and let mom get him ready, but the behavior she allows is unacceptable. He will either hurt himself (jumping off stairs) hurt someone else (throwing shoes down the stairs), or destroy my property.

Shame on his Mom.

[grandmom]

Get him ready at 4. Let him sit with a book until she gets there. Tell him that until you see a change in his behavior, this will happen every day.

Good luck.

[VTMom]

I have the same problem. My DCB (almost 5 years old) turns into an animal at pick-up and Mom just stands there as I run after him reprimanding him. It's lovely - he hurts himself and the other kids and Mom tells him to tell them sorry - that's it. Just recently I had a group meeting with the kids and we discussed what rules they thought should be followed during pick-up (of course they knew exactly what should be happening). I have a chart in my pick-up area with the rules they came up with listed. Each day we follow these rules, we get a star, no second chances or flexibility with the rules. Once we have 5 stars, they get to watch a movie. This is a big deal for these kids since we don't watch television at daycare. We just started it this week and they've been doing well so far.

Good luck! I wish I could follow Nannyde's technique but I don't have the backbone