You're Not My Friend

[gumdrops]

Do you stop kids when they say this? I have 2 kids who DO NOT GET ALONG. One is going to PreK next week so they won't be together much longer. Yesterday DCB4 told DCG4 "you're not my friend". I paid close attention and it did not escalate from there, so I let it go. Do you correct it? In his defense, she is not nice! Ever! To Anyone!

[Blackcat31]

I don't correct it unless it gets mean or nasty.

Otherwise, no we are not all friends.

You do have to be polite, respectful and kind but I am not in the "we all have to be friends" camp and don't force the DCK's to be either.

[Leigh]

I tell them that they don't HAVE to like each other or be friends, but they DO have to respect each other, and that yelling "you're not my friend" isn't respectful. Then, sometimes, we need to work on something different that they could say when they are mad that isn't mean.

[hwichlaz]

Those words are, in of themselves, mean.

So I intervene.

You don't go around announcing the people aren't your friends...

[Blackcat31]

Those words are, in of themselves, mean.

So I intervene.

You don't go around announcing the people aren't your friends...

Why not?

I am not friends with everyone and I see nothing wrong with saying "you are not my friend".

I see it as a factual statement.

The tone or way you say it might lend to it being perceived as mean but not everyone is a friend.

[Gemma]

Do you stop kids when they say this? I have 2 kids who DO NOT GET ALONG. One is going to PreK next week so they won't be together much longer. Yesterday DCB4 told DCG4 "you're not my friend". I paid close attention and it did not escalate from there, so I let it go. Do you correct it? In his defense, she is not nice! Ever! To Anyone!

I don't correct for just saying "you're not my friend", but if things starts to escalate, I will remind kids that if they can't be nice towards one another they need to play in separate spaces

[daycarediva]

"Oh, Sarah is angry. It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to be unkind."

I had a mom tell my loudest dck that EVERYONE IS BEST FRIENDS. He repeats it every time this comes up. I just tell him no, everyone is not friends, BUT everyone need to be kind.

[Ariana]

For me its ok not to be friends with everyone but saying “you’re not my friend” is a power stance. I remind them that it is ok to not be friends but that saying this to get the other child to comply or manipulate them is wrong.

So many kids use “you’re not invited to my birthday party then” if another child doesn’t give in to their wishes so I intervene for that, its bullying.

[hwichlaz]

Why not?

I am not friends with everyone and I see nothing wrong with saying "you are not my friend".

I see it as a factual statement.

The tone or way you say it might lend to it being perceived as mean but not everyone is a friend.

It's a social construct not to point out negative things that may hurt feelings when it is wholly unnecessary. It's not different than saying to someone, "I don't care for your shirt." It's not needed. It's best to keep it to yourself.

[hwichlaz]

Trying to think how to explain, .

There are many factual statements that hurt feelings and should be kept to yourself. I'll give examples...

You have a really bit wart on your nose.

You're voice is really masculine/feminine.

Your teeth are crooked.




None of things are nice to say, but they are mostly factual. There are times, where the conversation is necessary, but otherwise...keep it to yourself.

[Blackcat31]

It's a social construct not to point out negative things that may hurt feelings when it is wholly unnecessary. It's not different than saying to someone, "I don't care for your shirt." It's not needed. It's best to keep it to yourself.

I don't view saying someone is not your friend as negative. Sometimes it's good that some people aren't friends. !

Trying to think how to explain, .

There are many factual statements that hurt feelings and should be kept to yourself. I'll give examples...

You have a really bit wart on your nose.

You're voice is really masculine/feminine.

Your teeth are crooked.




None of things are nice to say, but they are mostly factual. There are times, where the conversation is necessary, but otherwise...keep it to yourself.

! I know what you mean or at least what you are trying to say but I still don't see it that way.

In response to the examples you posted above...some are observations, some are opinions etc and all are probably blunt or not as tactful as we think they should be but it's all still okay in my book.

*********************************
This just happened here shortly before lunch:

3 yr old Curtis plays well with most of the kids in daycare but he does not play well with Oscar. Oscar and Curtis just don't get along. They are not friends.

Oscar comes over to where Curtis is playing and says "I want to play." Curtis does not want to play with Oscar and doesn't want him to join the activity so Curtis says "No. You are not my friend".

I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
It's not hurtful, mean or bullying in any way.
It's simply the fact. Oscar and Curtis are not friends.

They have a history that proves that so I don't expect Curtis to say anything but that.
Yes, he could probably say something like "You can have a turn as soon as I am finished but I am playing."

But I am not really in the camp of walking on egg shells so someone isn't offended or upset by someone else's thoughts or words (unless truly meant to be hurtful) and honestly think that is part of the reason our society has become so sensitive. Seem everything (no matter how small) is offensive to someone.

Maybe I see this different because I am very blunt and factual when speaking and have always have been.

I am forever saying "It's not what you say but how you say it" so I still think telling another person you are not their friend is perfectly acceptable to do. Again unless purposely meant to be hurtful or used as leverage to influence someone's actions/behaviors.

[hwichlaz]

I don't view saying someone is not your friend as negative. Sometimes it's good that some people aren't friends. !




! I know what you mean or at least what you are trying to say but I still don't see it that way.

In response to the examples you posted above...some are observations, some are opinions etc and all are probably blunt or not as tactful as we think they should be but it's all still okay in my book.

*********************************
This just happened here shortly before lunch:

3 yr old Curtis plays well with most of the kids in daycare but he does not play well with Oscar. Oscar and Curtis just don't get along. They are not friends.

Oscar comes over to where Curtis is playing and says "I want to play." Curtis does not want to play with Oscar and doesn't want him to join the activity so Curtis says "No. You are not my friend".

I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
It's not hurtful, mean or bullying in any way.
It's simply the fact. Oscar and Curtis are not friends.

They have a history that proves that so I don't expect Curtis to say anything but that.
Yes, he could probably say something like "You can have a turn as soon as I am finished but I am playing."

But I am not really in the camp of walking on egg shells so someone isn't offended or upset by someone else's thoughts or words (unless truly meant to be hurtful) and honestly think that is part of the reason our society has become so sensitive. Seem everything (no matter how small) is offensive to someone.

Maybe I see this different because I am very blunt and factual when speaking and have always have been.

I am forever saying "It's not what you say but how you say it" so I still think telling another person you are not their friend is perfectly acceptable to do. Again unless purposely meant to be hurtful or used as leverage to influence someone's actions/behaviors.

Maybe it's that I've NEVER heard it without negative tone or emotion behind it. It's always been used as a weapon to hurt feelings...usually to someone that IS their friend when the tables are turned.

[Blackcat31]

Maybe it's that I've NEVER heard it without negative tone or emotion behind it. It's always been used as a weapon to hurt feelings...usually to someone that IS their friend when the tables are turned.

Absolutely understand that.

When my son was small he lacked tact in speaking and as he aged, said things in a very matter-of-fact way and through that experience I learned alot.... and had the opportunity to "hear" it in a different light.

Without that experience I would probably be in the "we are all friends" camp.

My DS was a very "difficult" child but in hindsight he taught me more than any other child has thus far and all through what I viewed then as defiant, difficult and/or exhausting behaviors.

[e.j.]

I tell them that they don't HAVE to like each other or be friends, but they DO have to respect each other, and that yelling "you're not my friend" isn't respectful. Then, sometimes, we need to work on something different that they could say when they are mad that isn't mean.

I agree. When I hear a child say, "You're not my friend", I ask, "How would you feel if he said that to you?" I explain that you don't have to be friends but you do have to treat each other with respect - treat others the way you would want to be treated.

[MarinaVanessa]

I'm more "real world" when it comes to certain situations and something like this falls under that, kind of like sharing. In real life, people can't force me to like someone or be friends with someone ... I can avoid people I don't like and at minimum have to be civil so as long as the line is said once and not used as an attack or way to make someone cry I ignore it. If it's the latter then I just redirect them.