Owner's Son Changing Diapers

[DadBod]

Good morning! I am new here, I’m a father of two beautiful daughters, 1 and 3, and have a third baby on the way. Both of my girls started daycare, three days a week, once they turned one and my wife stopped breastfeeding. I really like our daycare. It is run out of a private home and is somewhat a family business as the owner runs it together with her husband, daughter (in her 20’s) and oldest son (19yo). The people are nice, the house is cozy and very clean and both of my girls seem to have a great time there but I saw something the other day that is bothering me and I don’t know if I could be overreacting.
To start off, I tried searching through the interweb for a similar situation but was unable to find one.
So last week I dropped off my girls a little later than usual and I saw the daycare owners 12yo son changing the diaper to one of the other girls. I didn’t say anything at that moment but I asked my wife later and she also thought it odd.
Today we asked the owner about it and she was very open that she believes that her kids should contribute and learn these valuable life skills. I totally agree that chores are important in a family but here’s my thing:
While I have no problem with the owners husband or 19yo son changing diapers, I am bothered by the 12yo changing my youngest daughters diapers (our 3yo is diaper free, woot woot!). I guess it’s because he’s a boy in the heat of puberty that’s bothering me so much. I want to be clear that I have no reason to think there is abuse or anything like that going on and changing a 1yo diaper is in no way sexual but boys in puberty can be curious and that is what has me worried.
What do you think? Am I just supporting some sort of bias?

[storybookending]

I honestly think you are overreacting. When you were 12 would you have done to a child whatever you think this 12 year old child could be doing? Would you feel differently if you had sons? Would you be comfortable with a 12 year old girl changing a male child? If you have trust with all of the older members of the family including a 19 year old male I can’t see how the 12 year old would be any different. Now if all of the adults were leaving the daycare with the 12 year old then I might have a problem with it.

[Blackcat31]

Good morning! I am new here, I’m a father of two beautiful daughters, 1 and 3, and have a third baby on the way. Both of my girls started daycare, three days a week, once they turned one and my wife stopped breastfeeding. I really like our daycare. It is run out of a private home and is somewhat a family business as the owner runs it together with her husband, daughter (in her 20’s) and oldest son (19yo). The people are nice, the house is cozy and very clean and both of my girls seem to have a great time there but I saw something the other day that is bothering me and I don’t know if I could be overreacting.
To start off, I tried searching through the interweb for a similar situation but was unable to find one.
So last week I dropped off my girls a little later than usual and I saw the daycare owners 12yo son changing the diaper to one of the other girls. I didn’t say anything at that moment but I asked my wife later and she also thought it odd.
Today we asked the owner about it and she was very open that she believes that her kids should contribute and learn these valuable life skills. I totally agree that chores are important in a family but here’s my thing:
While I have no problem with the owners husband or 19yo son changing diapers, I am bothered by the 12yo changing my youngest daughters diapers (our 3yo is diaper free, woot woot!). I guess it’s because he’s a boy in the heat of puberty that’s bothering me so much. I want to be clear that I have no reason to think there is abuse or anything like that going on and changing a 1yo diaper is in no way sexual but boys in puberty can be curious and that is what has me worried.
What do you think? Am I just supporting some sort of bias?

If your reason is simply because he’s a boy...yes it IS supporting gender discrimination but if your reasoning is simply due to his age then that is different in my opinion.

May I ask what state you are in as many states do not allow children of that age to assist/help in ways such as changing, eating or carrying an infant.

[boy_mom]

I agree with OP, it wouldn't sit well with me! Mostly because that's a really intimate chore and I would want an adult to do it. There are tons of other responsibilities for a 12 year old during the day, diapering other people's children doesn't need to be one of them!

[Leigh]

When I was 12, I was babysitting until as late as 3am for families, and I was changing diapers of boys and girls. Girls have the same teenage hormones, and I wonder if you would worry about a girl changing a son's diaper.

I'm not dismissing your worry, but I feel it is perfectly normal for a 12 year old who is working at Mom's daycare to help out with diaper changes, just as it would be if he were babysitting away from the home.

I have hired a daycare provider's teenage son to babysit my own kids, and have been very impressed with his maturity and skills with kids. He's by far the best sitter we've had, male or female.

I hope this puts your mind at ease a little.

[Cat Herder]

At what age are babysitting permits/CPR/First Aid legal in your state? Here it is 13, some states it is age 11. Red Cross states 11.

https://www.redcross.org/take-a-class/babysitting-child-care

American Red Cross babysitting and child care courses can help you provide quality care to children of all ages. Developed by experts in the industry, our online and in-person courses are available to those ages 11 and older, and include topics such as choosing age-appropriate activities, basic child care, like bottle feeding, child behavior, leadership, professionalism, safety, starting a babysitting business, and more.
Please note: Red Cross child care classes are not intended for those seeking certification for state-licensed child care providers and does not meet all state requirements for such certification.

Personally, I would not allow it. Did not. To protect my sons.

[DadBod]

I honestly think you are overreacting. When you were 12 would you have done to a child whatever you think this 12 year old child could be doing? Would you feel differently if you had sons? Would you be comfortable with a 12 year old girl changing a male child? If you have trust with all of the older members of the family including a 19 year old male I can’t see how the 12 year old would be any different. Now if all of the adults were leaving the daycare with the 12 year old then I might have a problem with it.

To your first point, I don’t think the boy is doing anything. I tried to make that clear in my initial post but maybe not clear enough? I also have no reason to believe the younger son is left alone with any kids and the changing station is in the main room in full view of the adults.
I think my issue is mainly with the age. If the owner wants this life skill to be taught to the twelve year old, then it should be done with other family members and not customers children right? I have no issue with the other family members because they are adults and have had classes and/or certifications to work with children.

[DadBod]

If your reason is simply because he’s a boy...yes it IS supporting gender discrimination but if your reasoning is simply due to his age then that is different in my opinion.

May I ask what state you are in as many states do not allow children of that age to assist/help in ways such as changing, eating or carrying an infant.

I’m in NY. My reason has very little to do with him being a boy and more so the age. If I had a son and there was a 12yo girl changing him, I would likely feel the same way. Bear in mind, this is not a babysitter but a daycare business that I pay to take care of my girls.

[DadBod]

When I was 12, I was babysitting until as late as 3am for families, and I was changing diapers of boys and girls. Girls have the same teenage hormones, and I wonder if you would worry about a girl changing a son's diaper.

I'm not dismissing your worry, but I feel it is perfectly normal for a 12 year old who is working at Mom's daycare to help out with diaper changes, just as it would be if he were babysitting away from the home.

I have hired a daycare provider's teenage son to babysit my own kids, and have been very impressed with his maturity and skills with kids. He's by far the best sitter we've had, male or female.

I hope this puts your mind at ease a little.

I feel that if we hired a preteen to babysit, I would have less of a problem because I would have met the person, probably an interview of some sort to gage the level of responsibility of the person and put my mind to rest. In this case I have never met the son and I am paying the mother to look after my daughter.

[storybookending]

To your first point, I don’t think the boy is doing anything. I tried to make that clear in my initial post but maybe not clear enough? I also have no reason to believe the younger son is left alone with any kids and the changing station is in the main room in full view of the adults.
I think my issue is mainly with the age. If the owner wants this life skill to be taught to the twelve year old, then it should be done with other family members and not customers children right? I have no issue with the other family members because they are adults and have had classes and/or certifications to work with children.

Then I think this is something you should discuss with your provider if it is solely based on age. I know that by age 12 I personally was being left with 4-6 kids most weekends to babysit until after bar close (3AMish) so I know 12 year olds that are perfectly capable of doing such chores. I guess the issue lies with if he is allowed to do these things in a daycare setting. You would have to check your state regs for that. I know in my state you can take the babysitting course at 11 and diaper changes are all a part of that certification. I am unsure if it would be allowed in a daycare setting as most places you need to be 16.

[Cat Herder]

I feel that if we hired a preteen to babysit, I would have less of a problem because I would have met the person, probably an interview of some sort to gage the level of responsibility of the person and put my mind to rest. In this case I have never met the son and I am paying the mother to look after my daughter.

Is this a licensed or legally unlicensed family home childcare? We have really strict laws about who can legally assist. Check out your states regulations: https://ocfs.ny.gov/main/childcare/d...egulations.asp

Go to the "Family Daycare Homes" section.

[Rockgirl]

The bottom line here is that these are your children, and you have the right to feel uncomfortable, when it comes to their care. It doesn’t mean the provider will change anything if this is a legal practice, but you can discuss it, and make a change in daycare if necessary.

My own kids grew up in my daycare, and I never had them changing diapers....they helped out in many other ways, but it never even crossed my mind to have them change diapers. I’m not saying it would have been inappropriate for them to do it....I just wouldn’t want to raise any concerns like you are having now.

[Leigh]

Is this a licensed or legally unlicensed family home childcare? We have really strict laws about who can legally assist. Check out your states regulations: https://ocfs.ny.gov/main/childcare/d...egulations.asp

Go to the "Family Daycare Homes" section.

Good point. In my state, your 12 year old can be registered as an assistant and is able to perform most any duties under the supervision of the adult (may not be left alone with kids, but can change diapers).

[Cat Herder]

New York State Child Day Care Regulations
Effective March 20, 2017

Part 417:
Family Day Care


"417.13 Staff qualifications

(a) The provider, assistant(s), and substitutes must each meet the following qualifications:

(1) be at least 18 years old;

(2) have a minimum of either two (2) years of experience caring for children under six years of age, or one (1) year of experience caring for children under six years of age plus six hours of training or education in early childhood development. The phrase "experience caring for children" can mean child-rearing as well as paid and unpaid experience caring for children. The term "training" can mean educational workshops and courses in caring for preschool-age children; (3) be capable of providing, and agree to provide, safe and suitable care to children which is supportive of the children's physical, intellectual, emotional and social well-being;

(4) provide to the Office the names, addresses and daytime telephone numbers of at least three (3) acceptable references, other than relatives. At least one of the references must be able to attest to the employment history, work record and qualifications, if the person had ever been employed outside the home. At least one of the references must be able to attest to the character, habits and personal qualifications to be a family day care provider, assistant, or substitute; and

(5) submit a satisfactory medical statement, as required in section 417.11(b).

(b) All caregivers and volunteers are required to comply with the criminal history review provisions of this Part and Part 413 of this Article.

(c) All caregivers and volunteers hired after June 30, 2013 must comply with the background check requirements for the register of substantiated category one cases of abuse or neglect maintained by the Justice Center for the Protection of Persons with Special Needs pursuant to Section 495 of the Social Services Law.

(d) All caregivers are required to complete a State Central Register database check.

(e) A person applying to be the provider must have completed a health and safety training as required in section 417.14(a) of this Part before being approved for that role.

(f) A person is not approved to be a caregiver until the child care program receives written approval from the Office."

[Country Kids]

New York State Child Day Care Regulations
Effective March 20, 2017

Part 417:
Family Day Care


"417.13 Staff qualifications

(a) The provider, assistant(s), and substitutes must each meet the following qualifications:

(1) be at least 18 years old;

(2) have a minimum of either two (2) years of experience caring for children under six years of age, or one (1) year of experience caring for children under six years of age plus six hours of training or education in early childhood development. The phrase "experience caring for children" can mean child-rearing as well as paid and unpaid experience caring for children. The term "training" can mean educational workshops and courses in caring for preschool-age children; (3) be capable of providing, and agree to provide, safe and suitable care to children which is supportive of the children's physical, intellectual, emotional and social well-being;

(4) provide to the Office the names, addresses and daytime telephone numbers of at least three (3) acceptable references, other than relatives. At least one of the references must be able to attest to the employment history, work record and qualifications, if the person had ever been employed outside the home. At least one of the references must be able to attest to the character, habits and personal qualifications to be a family day care provider, assistant, or substitute; and

(5) submit a satisfactory medical statement, as required in section 417.11(b).

(b) All caregivers and volunteers are required to comply with the criminal history review provisions of this Part and Part 413 of this Article.

(c) All caregivers and volunteers hired after June 30, 2013 must comply with the background check requirements for the register of substantiated category one cases of abuse or neglect maintained by the Justice Center for the Protection of Persons with Special Needs pursuant to Section 495 of the Social Services Law.

(d) All caregivers are required to complete a State Central Register database check.

(e) A person applying to be the provider must have completed a health and safety training as required in section 417.14(a) of this Part before being approved for that role.

(f) A person is not approved to be a caregiver until the child care program receives written approval from the Office."

I'm sure the 12 year old isn't considered a caregiver but a volunteer and there is no age limit for that it looks like.