Filed a Complaint on Provider - Was A Misunderstanding

[Unregistered]

Hi,
FTM here and new to daycare in general. This was my child’s first week at an in home daycare. The main area is in the basement of a home. The provider always meets me at the door and doesn’t invite me down to the basement. I asked to go down and she said to text her ahead of time and that I could only go there for a few minutes. She also told me if I visited at lunch, I could not nurse my baby down in the basement but would have to stay upstairs. This bothered me and I called local child care licensing to ask if this was normal or not. They said it wasn’t and encouraged me to file a complaint. The same day, I went to pick up my child and the provider pulled me aside to apologize and explained her reasoning but said I could go downstairs at any time.

Long story short, I felt we had a misunderstanding about the whole thing and felt better after we talked. I immediately emailed the licensing people and said I made a mistake regarding the complaint. Will they be able to “cancel” it? I don’t want them pursing it especially since I feel bad for not being clearer with her and also, I don’t want her upset with me (it was anonymous but she’ll know it was from me I am sure )
I wish I had just communicated better with her rather than calling them for advice and getting persuaded into making a complaint
Sorry this was so long- this daycare thing mixed with new Mom anxiety is making trouble for me

[Snowmom]

Wow.

Here, you would also not be allowed in the daycare space. You would have had a tour at the interview, but you would not have access to other peoples children that I care for- therefore not allowed in the daycare space during business hours without an invitation (special event).

You would also not be allowed to breastfeed on site.

You are welcome to arrive to take your child offsite. But, parents are not allowed to spend any length of time when other children are present. You do not get access to them at any time.

If that was important to you, you should have discussed this BEFORE enrolling. There are providers who allow visits and allow breastfeeding. In my state, it is not mandated to allow you access to anything beyond the front door to pick up your child. Maybe some states have breastfeeding requirements, but I can't imagine that would be mandated for private homes such as private daycare residences.

I would expect that your contract will be terminated when your provider finds out you filed a complaint. I would be 100% on her side. I sympathize that you now feel remorse. I'm glad you do. But it doesn't change the fact that you felt entitled to change her business practices to suit your needs.

SMH!

[hwichlaz]

In my state, parents are to have access to their children AND the spaces that care is given in any time their child is in care.

We don’t have to allow them to just hang out if it’s causing a disruption, but we do have to allow them to nurse their child. We CAN offer a less disruptive space to do it.

[Unregistered]

Wow.

Here, you would also not be allowed in the daycare space. You would have had a tour at the interview, but you would not have access to other peoples children that I care for- therefore not allowed in the daycare space during business hours without an invitation (special event).

You would also not be allowed to breastfeed on site.

You are welcome to arrive to take your child offsite. But, parents are not allowed to spend any length of time when other children are present. You do not get access to them at any time.

If that was important to you, you should have discussed this BEFORE enrolling. There are providers who allow visits and allow breastfeeding. In my state, it is not mandated to allow you access to anything beyond the front door to pick up your child. Maybe some states have breastfeeding requirements, but I can't imagine that would be mandated for private homes such as private daycare residences.

I would expect that your contract will be terminated when your provider finds out you filed a complaint. I would be 100% on her side. I sympathize that you now feel remorse. I'm glad you do. But it doesn't change the fact that you felt entitled to change her business practices to suit your needs.

SMH!

OP here:
Yes it is a requirement in my state and we did talk about it prior to enrolling and attending. At the tour I was made to feel as if I would be welcome at any time. I also confirmed this when I was on maternity leave. However upon starting, it was a different message so hopefully you can imagine my concern and confusion.

[Josiegirl]

OP here:
Yes it is a requirement in my state and we did talk about it prior to enrolling and attending. At the tour I was made to feel as if I would be welcome at any time. I also confirmed this when I was on maternity leave. However upon starting, it was a different message so hopefully you can imagine my concern and confusion.

Hmmm, the provider seemed to change tactics as you went along. Not knowing details from both sides, it's hard to make a call about the situation. I do think, as you feel now, that it should've been worked out before placing that call to licensing. Usually that is for serious problems, not a simple misunderstanding. But then, as a new mom and 1st time dc client, I can almost understand the over reaction and lack of trust. However, trust is THE key issue here. And yes, even with private homes, states are cracking down to accommodate nursing moms. Not sure if it's mandated in my state but definitely highly encouraged.
There has got to be a line drawn between parents being allowed in homes, how much and what everyone is comfortable with. Privacy is a big issue, due to working with other dcfs., not to mention this is our home. I allow parents in my rooms used for dc, but not to an access. Not that I have anything to hide but due to the reasons just mentioned. I try to accommodate nursing moms and offer my living room for their comfort, which is part of the main dc area.
Go with your gut feeling; did this dc come highly recommended, do you feel comfortable now, keep the communication open and receptive. And please try to place your trust in this person. If something feels off, talk with them and express your concerns but do remember it's their home and their business.
Good luck and hope it works out for you!!!

Just wanted to add that I do completely understand why a provider wouldn't allow you to go to the basement dc. It can be very disruptive to the group, having another adult come in, upsetting even a simple routine. It can throw the whole day off for everyone. I don't see anything wrong with her allowing you to nurse your baby in a separate area.

[Cat Herder]

My breastfeeding area is separate from my playroom. It is set up for comfort. I keep it cool, quiet, have a nice recliner, soft blanket, magazines, soft lighting and a tv. In off hours it is my reading room.

Kids are not allowed tv, access to expensive furniture or non-childproofed areas of my home. I don't allow adults access to other peoples children, I don't entertain adults during my work day. I did not like an audience when breastfeeding my children.

I do drop-off and pick-up on the porch. I don't like interruptions to our program. I do not have an assistant to engage the kids while I am forced into entertaining adults during my work day.

Yes, I will allow a parent access to their child at any time but if the parent becomes a constant disruption, I will simply replace them with the next parent on the list.

IMHO, This program does not seem to fit your needs. It would benefit both you and your provider for you to find other care.

[Unregistered]

I just don't get parents like the OP. If you want to spend so much time with your child, why are they in daycare? I always tell parents that when registering that I do group care and to really think if they want group care or a nanny/babysitter situation. You could also pump your milk before hand.

I think OP isn't ready for group care and should have a babysitter come to their home to watch their baby. You're going to have these issues with any daycare you put your child in with this attitude. Mostly likely, your provider is going to get written up and term you.

[nannyde]

Hi,
FTM here and new to daycare in general. This was my child’s first week at an in home daycare. The main area is in the basement of a home. The provider always meets me at the door and doesn’t invite me down to the basement. I asked to go down and she said to text her ahead of time and that I could only go there for a few minutes. She also told me if I visited at lunch, I could not nurse my baby down in the basement but would have to stay upstairs. This bothered me and I called local child care licensing to ask if this was normal or not. They said it wasn’t and encouraged me to file a complaint. The same day, I went to pick up my child and the provider pulled me aside to apologize and explained her reasoning but said I could go downstairs at any time.

Long story short, I felt we had a misunderstanding about the whole thing and felt better after we talked. I immediately emailed the licensing people and said I made a mistake regarding the complaint. Will they be able to “cancel” it? I don’t want them pursing it especially since I feel bad for not being clearer with her and also, I don’t want her upset with me (it was anonymous but she’ll know it was from me I am sure )
I wish I had just communicated better with her rather than calling them for advice and getting persuaded into making a complaint
Sorry this was so long- this daycare thing mixed with new Mom anxiety is making trouble for me

It sounds like you feel you were mislead in the interview and once you asked for access to the other children she said no but then changed her mind. Most likely she was afraid of what you already did... turn her in.

I don't allow parents in the playroom or have access to the other children.

Imagine having a day care dad who wants to hang out an hour to two hours a day to watch his child interacting with the other kids. He comes EVERY day and hangs out.

With phone in hand, he gets to videotape your child for hours if he wants. What looks like him being on the phone is really him videotaping. When you show up in the room to breastfeed, he gets to video tape you too. He can put you up on any site he wants and his daily videos of your kid up on any kiddie website he wants. He will have many followers.

The provider can't leave him unattended so he's right there when she's diapering. He has an opinion on what should be done and let's his feelings be known. If his snowflake needs something or intercession because of a perceived wrong, she HAS to leave your child unattended to do as she is told by him.

He has never taken care of other people's kids before. He doesn't know a thing about daycare regulations. What he believes should be done may actually be against the law.

He recognizes a kid in the daycare because he's the nephew of a friend of his. He gets loads of pics for the uncle and the uncle gets to do with them as he pleases too. The uncle doesn't get along with the kids parents so he uses the information and pics to taunt the parents. They can't figure out how he even knows where the kid attends daycare and he won't say.

When the daycare Dad feels his child has been wronged he disciplines the child who has offended his kid. He lifts his head from his phone and gets up to get in between the child and his child. He talks in a gruff way and tells the offender to never mess with his kid again. That kid goes home and tells his mom and dad what the daycare dad did and they immediately pull.

He's present when a phone call comes in from a mom who wants to discuss her child's vaginal yeast infection. The provider has to tell her she can't discuss it because the Dad is there and will most likely be there for a couple of hours. She explains how sorry she is but that "open door policy" the state has requires her to allow other parents access to her kid. The parents find out this dude is there every day for an hour or two and pulls their kid.

Want me to continue the story? You think it's fabricated? Well it's not.

See we don't know what every parent is going to do with the open door policy. Most won't do what he does but they surely can. Most won't videotape but it only takes one. Most won't discipline the other kids but some will. We don't know who that parent is at the interview.

Having you around the daycare kids is a HUGE liability. Having you climb up and down the stairs is a liability. I've had three adult falls, ONLY three, on my stairs and all three were my staff assistants carrying or supervising their OWN children on my stairs. Despite being HIGHLY trained on safe stair climbing, they did as they pleased when they had their own kid with them.

Having you drop off and pick up at the front door limits the liability to just the front door to the driveway. That's a huge difference.

All you had to do was just take your kid out of the daycare when you got the first no. Instead you turned her in. They will still come out and there's a VERY good chance you will be terminated. It may not come out as being from the call but if you make any wrong turn... don't bring a supply... being a minute late.. ANYTHING she will term.

I know you are a newbie mom. I get that you want to watch your provider and watch the other kids. I get that. You can have that at a center where there are multiple adults coming in and out daily and the kids are used to having strangers in the room. In a home daycare they aren't used to that and most walking kids act like little fools when a stranger is around. Most babies cry. Most providers loathe being watched as they work. Center workers don't because they are used to so many adults coming in and out and they KNOW it takes a big indiscretion that would cause them to loose their job. They really don't care because you are just one of many they will see in and out.

Lastly, why in the world would you want to breastfeed in front of the other kids? Why wouldn't you want one to one time with your baby while breastfeeding so you could devote every cell of your being to your baby? I don't get why mothers who are given the opportunity to have a private area to breast feed want to breast feed publicly especially in a daycare when they are coming during their breaks and have so little time.

I worked for two centers for a couple of years watching their video cameras. When the centers opened up the moms were allowed to breast feed in the infant rooms. They would come and hang out for hours a day... before daycare... lunch... and after they were off of work. It caused a crazy amount of conflict in the room.

The owner created AMAZING breast feeding rooms with phone, tv, recliners, internet etc. and changed the policy to breastfeeding in the breastfeeding lounge only. A couple of weeks later the only moms breastfeeding on site were the staff who had babies in the daycare and were on the clock when they fed their kid. All the moms doing in room feeding stopped. ALL of them.

When the owner required the staff to go off the clock to feed their babies, the breastfeeding lounge became a ghost town. The only time it was used was for the first week or two by a new mom.

The reason for this is that the moms weren't coming to be with their baby and spend time with them. They were coming to watch the other kid and staff and make the staff give them a ton of attention by asking questions about their baby and all the other kids. They wanted mommy attention. Once they could breastfeed somewhere else but were alone they quit coming.

I just don't understand why you weren't satisfied with having a space upstairs to feed? What made you call the state when you got what you wanted.. to be able to breastfeed your baby onsite?

I do feel badly you were misled. That's on the provider. Once you knew the rules you turned her in. That's on you. There will most likely be a price to pay unless she is DESPERATE for money. Hopefully for you, she is.

[kendallina]

I would not be comfortable with an in- home provider that wouldn't allow me access to the playroom. My preschool is at the of my house so parents see my space and other kids daily. They see my interactions with their kid and other kids everyday. I'm not sure I would have filed a complaint but I probably would have pulled my child after the first conversation.

[hwichlaz]

I would not be comfortable with an in- home provider that wouldn't allow me access to the playroom. My preschool is at the of my house so parents see my space and other kids daily. They see my interactions with their kid and other kids everyday. I'm not sure I would have filed a complaint but I probably would have pulled my child after the first conversation.

Same. Allowing access is not the same as allowing someone to just hang out. Our licensing has very clear limits on how much time per week someone can spend here before requiring back ground check etc. and we are always free to end a visit if it’s disruptive. However, licensing also encourages parents to drop in early from time to time to see what’s going on. It’s right on one of the forms we’re required to hand out. The way I handle it, is I allow it, but if your child is upset when you try to leave, you must take them with you, and you can only stay for one activity. So if you drop in at craft time, please either kiss your child goodbye and leave, or take them wit you once it’s over.

[Unregistered]

OP again:
Thanks. I hope it was clear that I only wanted to come down at pick up/ drop off and made it clear the lunch thing would be occasional. I have a job and need to be there- I was never suggesting every day. In fact I had told her maybe once or twice per month!

[LittleScholars]

OP again:
Thanks. I hope it was clear that I only wanted to come down at pick up/ drop off and made it clear the lunch thing would be occasional. I have a job and need to be there- I was never suggesting every day. In fact I had told her maybe once or twice per month!

You're getting a lot of good feedback, but I'll chime in because I'm a nursing mom and provider, and I started my daycare primarily because I knew I'd be a nervous daycare mom (I taught elementary for over a decade before opening).

Parents do enter the daycare for drop off/pick up (if we are inside), and I do think this is important time, so I get your desire to have this time; however, not all providers have the luxury of a space that works well for this. I wouldn't necessarily think this is a red flag, although I'd be interested to know the reasoning. Parents stay in a designated area during this time but they have full view of the entire space. The goal is to get kids in/out quickly and happily, so this isn't a time to visit. If it becomes an issue, parents are required to make this time extra speedy. I think as your little one ages, you'll really understand the benefit of this.

As for nursing/visiting, I also wouldn't allow this to happen freely. Parents are welcome to come get kiddos at any time and, in that sense, I have a 100% open door policy, but parent visits are super disruptive. Some kiddos LOVE when other adults are present and are inclined to engage them (taking away from our time), and some kiddos are very introverted and pull away when visitors are present (taking away from our time). In my opinion, daycare isn't a place for parent visits. With that being said, we do schedule events in which all parents are invited throughout the year, and these are great. I can prepare all of my kiddos for this, and it is a success. As a former school teacher, I'm a huge fan of parental involvement, access, and awareness, but I think it needs to be done thoughtfully.

I don't take infants, but if I did I'd happily support a nursing mom; however, that would involve a place to nurse away from the main area. That is for the privacy of the kiddos, not mom (again, I'm super pro-nursing and have no issue with moms nursing openly).

All of that is to say, when/if you need to find a new daycare, I'd keep an open mind about why policies are in place. Again, I think it is really important that parents have a level of access and can see the day-to-day of the daycare, but I also think it is important to respect the privacy, routine, and rhythm of all of the kids.

[Blackcat31]

OP again: I only wanted to come down at pick up/ drop off

Can I ask why?
Why is going downstairs (a space I am assuming you have been in or been shown prior) necessary for you?

I find it kind and courteous of the provider to bring baby to you. Let’s say she has 5 kids in care; that’s 10x’s she goes up and down those stairs daily and that’s probably the minimum.

Kudos to her for trying to make your pickups/drop offs so efficient for you.

As a parent I’d appreciate that benefit of her program.

You didn’t say why this is sticking point for you...

[Unregistered]

OP:
I wanted to come down and see where my LO is sleeping and playing. I also wanted to meet the assistants (there are two). I never thought it was even an issue until she pushed back on my request to go down. It made me wonder why and if there was a reason she didn’t want me coming down. I think if she had just let me come down the first time, it wouldn’t have planted suspicions in my mind. Also, when I told a few friends that I didn’t go down there, they seemed alarmed, telling me that they were always welcome into their providers care area (in home as wel). So it made me wonder what was up with mine. Keep in mind I am a FTM and only have my friends to ask/ compare notes or my own feelings/ instincts to rely on

[Blackcat31]

OP:
I wanted to come down and see where my LO is sleeping and playing. I also wanted to meet the assistants (there are two). I never thought it was even an issue until she pushed back on my request to go down. It made me wonder why and if there was a reason she didn’t want me coming down. I think if she had just let me come down the first time, it wouldn’t have planted suspicions in my mind. Also, when I told a few friends that I didn’t go down there, they seemed alarmed, telling me that they were always welcome into their providers care area (in home as wel). So it made me wonder what was up with mine. Keep in mind I am a FTM and only have my friends to ask/ compare notes or my own feelings/ instincts to rely on

Makes sense...

Curious... Did you tour the program prior to enrolling? Did the provider show you at that time what areas your baby would spend time in? If not did you ask?
How did you find her program? Recommendation from someone? Why did you choose this program/provider?
Is there a shortage of infant care in your area?

I apologize for all the questions but I’m trying to understand all the facts as well as both perspectives (parent/provider).