The Village is Lost to Todays Parents?

[Cat Herder]

I have been reading a lot about this topic lately and I wanted to open this up for opinions (hopefully opposite of mine to learn something new. lovethis). Is the Village lost? Are we simply a changing culture? Is it for the best or worse? Did the Village even exist for us to begin with? Did we adapt to self care because it was already gone? Are readily available public resources replacing the Village with no strings attached?

"It may take a village to raise a child but no one cares about the village once the child is born, as the world around ceases to exist."

"Our ancestors have been addicted to honor, craved virtue and wealth, been hooked on conquest, and on God. But ours is the first civilization to find its deep fulfillment in our descendants."

"Successive governments have forced parents to become entrepreneurs on behalf of their individual children, we haven't got time to change the world because we are too busy making sure the kids are OK. So we absolutely rely on this idea that they must fulfil us, which is rather insulting to the child-free."

"Somewhere in the midst of this we must see how the links between the generations are unraveling. Some of these links felt more like chains and, as women became more independent, they broke. But many are weakened by the need for two wages to bring up a family and the idealization of individual self-contained nuclear families."

"History suggests the young must shoulder the burden of the old, but they already do, taking on debts for the basics in a situation not of their making. Has it really come to this stark choice? We care for our elders or for our children?"

[Mom2Two]

Is this all from the same author/article?

I read the newspaper and a lot of op eds, but I hadn't heard this pov before.

Idk...I guess I try to filter out a lot of changing values and hubbub and try to focus on what I feel is right, and what I feel God would want from me, and I try to teach our children the same.

[Cat Herder]

Several authors, several points and one over-all concept to get the conversation rolling.

[Unregistered]

Growing up as a child of the 70's we knew our neighbors, knew all their last names at least, we knew they would report any misdeeds we did to our parents, but we had a mutual respect. Nowadays I have no idea the names of any of my neighbors, I wave to the neighbor across the street when we are both getting the mail at the same time but I have lived here 9 years and I have no idea what his name is. I guess part of it is mistrust of anyone. Part of it is I mind my business and you mind yours mentality of the neighborhood. The only families we know nearby are kids my child goes to school with, other than that everyone keeps to themselves. I live in a wealthy neighborhood but you rarely see anyone outdoors. People are go from the house right into the car in the garage and drive away without having to acknowledge any neighbors, ect..

[kendallina]

In college (about 17 years ago) I rented a room from an older woman. There was a Chinese girl who rented the other bedroom from woman. I was friendly with her, but for the most part, we led completely separate lives. Until she asked me to let her practice driving with my car. My new (to me) car! Later she asked to use my computer to write a paper (desktop, in my bedroom). My initial reaction to these requests was to blame her and think, why can't she go to the computer lab...doesn't she have a friend with a car..etc etc

This all happened at the same time I was studying in my psych/soc classes about how our society valued individualism and many other societies still valued collectivism (putting group or others needs before your own).

Understanding intellectually that she came from a very different culture where these kind of requests were common and knowing that she would have done the same for me helped me to accept what she asked of me.

Growing up my mom was single, I was a latchkey kid, I figured it out. No one helped me with college applications or financial aid, I figured it out. I could make any life choices I wanted. I was proud of everything that I did (still am), but I always did realize the difficulty that it was to have to do it all myself.

As an adult with two children, there have been many times where I've had to ask for help. We don't live near family (true for so many), but we live in a small community and we know so many people. We've also helped so many friends, watched dogs while friends were on vacation, picked up their kids from school, made meals, etc. I know all my neighbors. My daughter does. She walks the neighborhood. She knows which neighbors she would go to first if there was a problem. I am so grateful for the community that I live in because it could be so so different since we don't have any family here. But, yes, in all, we live in an individualistic society and time. There is good and bad to it. I think I went on a bit of a tangent....would love to hear others thoughts.

Yes, we are a society that

[Annalee]

Let me just say first that these are just my opinions. My brothers and I were having a similar discussion prevously. My brother brought up this quote "America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." - Abraham Lincoln Then he tied it in with the destruction of the home which began with many movements down through time (not going to debate those) Home as many of us knew it is a forgotten lifestyle. Things that SHOULD be instinctive are NOT. With the destruction of the HOME, families suffer! Not that ALL homes are bad today but too many homes have NO stability, responsibility, tolerance, selflessness, sacrifice, etc. It is all about ME and what I want at any given time. How can a family grow with that mentality!:confused: Parents make a choice if they want to parent, children make their own decisions from birth, even before they can talk. Too many today feel like life should stop for them. Many can't adapt to change or don't want to adapt so they find an escape. Simple things like "love for our neighbor" would SOLVE this entire issue. We don't need therapists, psychologists, psychiatrist to teach how to LOVE someone. We don't need medicine to control our emotions. I tell my husband all the time "there is no medicine for meanness, get it together":: Again, just my opinons!

I am from a very close immediate and extended family from a small community. I live now within a mile of where I grew up. We have had our share of heartaches but have been blessed with many good times as well. No matter what our differences are, and there are differences, when the going gets tough we BOND. We may talk about each other but we don't like it when someone from the outside talks about one of our own::

[Josiegirl]

Even when I was growing up, it didn't feel like a sense of community or maybe I just didn't see it, wasn't taught it. We knew our neighbor's names but little else. I'm an introvert so that may be why I see a different side; I've always kept to myself anyways. My sister, 9 yrs. older, is closer to her neighborhood than I am to mine.
But I think the idea of 'village' is disappearing quickly due to so many reasons. Families spread apart, move away. People have a bigger sense of entitlement and less respect for each other. Electronic media has displaced real life focus. It takes more energy and time to become involved and help others when families have very little of either to begin with.
With that said, I have found people throughout childcare services and trainings who spread themselves so thin by helping providers and families....I don't know how they do it.

[daycarediva]

Let me just say first that these are just my opinions. My brothers and I were having a similar discussion prevously. My brother brought up this quote "America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." - Abraham Lincoln Then he tied it in with the destruction of the home which began with many movements down through time (not going to debate those) Home as many of us knew it is a forgotten lifestyle. Things that SHOULD be instinctive are NOT. With the destruction of the HOME, families suffer! Not that ALL homes are bad today but too many homes have NO stability, responsibility, tolerance, selflessness, sacrifice, etc. It is all about ME and what I want at any given time. How can a family grow with that mentality!:confused: Parents make a choice if they want to parent, children make their own decisions from birth, even before they can talk. Too many today feel like life should stop for them. Many can't adapt to change or don't want to adapt so they find an escape. Simple things like "love for our neighbor" would SOLVE this entire issue. We don't need therapists, psychologists, psychiatrist to teach how to LOVE someone. We don't need medicine to control our emotions. I tell my husband all the time "there is no medicine for meanness, get it together":: Again, just my opinons!

I am from a very close immediate and extended family from a small community. I live now within a mile of where I grew up. We have had our share of heartaches but have been blessed with many good times as well. No matter what our differences are, and there are differences, when the going gets tough we BOND. We may talk about each other but we don't like it when someone from the outside talks about one of our own::

ITA with this, home lives are a thing of the past. Divorce rates have skyrocketed, children in childcare open to close, being raised by strangers (sorry ladies), family dinners, being close to extended family.

When I was growing up, we roamed the neighborhood, as a gang of kids, someones mother would feed us, or shoo us to someone elses house because she fed us yesterday. Moms would leave a tray of cookies and lemonade on the porch, and one mom even had this crazy loud dinner bell to call us all in at the end of the day. Our curfew was the streetlight. ASIDE from that, parents had home cooked family meals. No cell phones or TV's on, and real conversation. The kids were respectful, and knew their place in the home.

I recently read an article that made a great point, less on the village topic, but more on the family topic.

[Annalee]

ITA with this, home lives are a thing of the past. Divorce rates have skyrocketed, children in childcare open to close, being raised by strangers (sorry ladies), family dinners, being close to extended family.

When I was growing up, we roamed the neighborhood, as a gang of kids, someones mother would feed us, or shoo us to someone elses house because she fed us yesterday. Moms would leave a tray of cookies and lemonade on the porch, and one mom even had this crazy loud dinner bell to call us all in at the end of the day. Our curfew was the streetlight. ASIDE from that, parents had home cooked family meals. No cell phones or TV's on, and real conversation. The kids were respectful, and knew their place in the home.

I recently read an article that made a great point, less on the village topic, but more on the family topic.

We had one TV with only the basic channels so we all watched the same thing TOGETHER. Parents said what they meant and meant what they said. There were consequences if you didn't follow the rules. EVERYTHING is a "negotiation" today no matter what the age therefore, so everything is right???? Choices/consequences but there are no consequences today....only excuses! "A person can say they didn't get a little red wagon when they was a child, therefore that's why they did what they did"....EXCUSES for EVERYTHING! When is anyone going to be accountable for their own choices? Just my soapbox for the day!

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I live in a smaller community that is totally split on wanting a village and being angry that someone is trying to be the village. ::
We DO know our neighbors (all the way down the street on our side and across the street) and vice versa. We chat over fences. We chat on our community's Facebook page. If someone's children are making unwise choices, we tell them to knock it off and then it usually gets posted to the group without names (identifying info like the age range, gender, shirt color would be posted). Many in our community like that we can be somewhat of a village for each other. It is nice.

I feel like families used to help each other more. I notice a lot of cultural differences in my own family due to being interracial. My husband's side is still extremely helpful and willing to step in as needed for each other. My own side is NOT this way and is very entitled to having everything done their way or the highway. I don't feel like I have a village there nor am I a part of one.

[Cat Herder]

I recently read an article that made a great point, less on the village topic, but more on the family topic.

He makes a good point but it begs the question of WHY the kids launched earlier. Was that actually a good thing or a catalyst for the beginning of the decline.

I remember getting out as soon as I was legally able and planning to never look back. I had no bond with any of my family, as a child I felt only a criticized servant. I remember many of my closest childhood friends feeling the same. Many followed through.

"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

I have to wonder did some parents simply take the "serve your parents" and forget to nurture and educate their children or was this always the way it was?

[Cat Herder]

I notice a lot of cultural differences in my own family due to being interracial. .

I had not considered that aspect. Thank you!

[Pepperth]

A lot of times I feel like the village is lost to me. I see it elsewhere in my community, and I'd love to have it surrounding me, but i can't figure out how. My community has had a few tragic events recently that made me realize just how unconnected people feel from each other, even went they seem to have it all together.

[Blackcat31]

I have been reading a lot about this topic lately and I wanted to open this up for opinions (hopefully opposite of mine to learn something new. lovethis).

No comments from me other than we pretty much take turns living in each other's brain space so no *opposite* opinions from me.

I recently read an article that made a great point, less on the village topic, but more on the family topic.

lovethis lovethis John Rosemond lovethis lovethis

His Parent Power book was my parenting Bible while raising my kids.


The only real comment that I have about this topic (other than I agree with a lot of what's been said already) is the village no longer assumes the role of support, assistance and education and instead has adopted the role of scape-goat for all.

The shift in "blaming" verses taking taking personal responsibility for life choices is akin to the lead (in water/dishes) and the fall of the Roman Empire.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

I would say the village is not really absent, but it has taken on a new form. It is digital now. I can literally have a conversation about my child's constipation with a complete stranger on the otherside of the world. While that accessibility can be appealing, i do think it has its significant drawbacks. For one, no matter what the issue, you can find something on the internet to back up your beliefs. Speaking with someone face to face (like your mom, grandma, uncle) is more intimate and it holds you more accountable than the internet does. My grandma is going to tell me stop feeding my kid tons of cheese and crap to help with the constipation. The internet is going to tell me that it is ok to give him mirilax daily versus changing his eating habits. And the internet mommy masses are going to validate it bc that is what they did too. I mean, if LO loves cheese, he should get as much as he wants right?? The thing is, when you asked the question, you left out the cheese part. And the mommy masses conveniently left out their child's nutrition or other contributing factors. There is not enough info to give solid advice, so it becomes cheap, standardized advice. Grandma knows LO amd has a vested interest in his health, unlike everyone online.

The village used to be more intimate and the idea was shared...lets help each other out and have each other's backs bc it is best for the children. Now, it has become more about what is best for the parents. LO is gonna get all the cheese he can eat bc it makes him happy and that makes mom/dad happy. It doesnt matter if it is no in his best interest, bc it is in their best interest that he not cry and throw a fit or be unhappy in any way. And they believe it bc their internet village confirmed it to be true.