Need Advice ASAP - At a Loss...

[happyheart]

Background is that I am 18 weeks pregnant, and a daycare mom who is my lclose friend and neighbor, both found out were pregnant at the same time and due a day apart. We had miscarriages about one year ago together and got each other through it and have been supporting each other through this pregnancy also. We also have 3 year girls that are best friends. I currently am watching her little girl and she is with me today. She just called and I just found out that they couldn't find her baby's heartbeat and after an ultrasound, they confirmed her worst fear that the baby died at 17 weeks. I am a mess for her and just can't stop crying for her and her loss. Not mention that we were both due a day apart and I know I will be a constant reminder to her now about her tragic loss. It just isn't fair and her heart is so broken right now. What can I do for her? I have not had a friend lose a baby so far along and I don't know the words right now or the steps I can take to help her as a friend and daycare provider. Please, I need suggestions. I was going to order meals for her to be sent to her house along with flowers. I offered to watch her little girl over the weekend. I told her I can just sit with her if she needs it. However; I know that perhaps I am last person she wants to see right now, being the pregnant friend. Please help!

[lovemykidstoo]

I''m so sorry to hear that. What a horrible loss. All of the things you mentioned are great to do for her. When I was pregnant with my daughter, the woman right next to me at work was also pregnant. She lost her baby and it was so hard. We sat literally 4 feet from each other, so she had to look at me the entire time and I know she had a hard time with it. I just didn't talk alot about my pregnancy after that in front of her. She did ok, but really there isn't alot you can do about that. Just support her in the other ways, meals, watching her daughter etc.

[KiwiKids]

I am so sorry for your friend's loss. I have had two friends suffer late losses and they each coped differently in some ways but what they had in common was a fear that their baby would be forgotten or not considered the same as losing a child. At the time of their losses a group of friends and I bought them a memory necklace. What has meant the most over time was remembering the baby's due date and loss date.

I know being pregnant at the same time makes it harder. My friend who had a second trimester loss when I was due within a few days of her had a very hard time seeing or talking to me while I was pregnant. Any Facebook posts about pregnancy were ignored. I kept them to a minimum on purpose. She did offer a sweet congrats note once my baby was born but it took some more time before she came to visit and when she held him she cried and I cried. The best advice I could give is to let her know you're there and to take your cues from her. She might want to talk about your pregnancy or she might not and it won't be because she's not happy for you. And let her know her sweet baby will always be remembered by you.

[Ariana]

A coworker and friend of mine lost her baby at 23 weeks and she was a mess. We had gotten pregnant at the same time so she had to come back to work and see my pregnant belly every day. She confided years later that it was very hard for her and I knew she was keeping her distance from me as much as possible.

Here is the thing. Don't feel guilty for being pregnant. Cherish your unborn child even more and don't let the negative feelings take away your joy. Your friend might need to distance herself from you and that is ok. Send her the flowers, tell her you are there for her, ask her if she wants to talk or let her know you are there when she is ready but that is literally all you can do.

[sharlan]

Thoughts and prayers for all.

Our neighbor went through this a few years ago. The neighbor on the corner was pregnant (knew in advance that she would have problems), neighbor was pregnant with twins after her 4th round of invitro treatments, eldest dd had just had a baby, and my youngest dd was pregnant.

Neighbor next door's cervix dialated causing her to lose the twins. It destroyed her to see my dd and the neighbor on the other side of her carrying their babies. My neighbors didn't recover and ended up divorcing.

The husband just had a baby boy last year.

[laundrymom]

My advice is to be there for her.
Love her.
Tell her how much she means to you, and give her permission to stray or stay.
Let her know that you'll understand if she distances herself for a time. Acknowledge her loss. It's real. And raw. And embrace the core of your friendship while allowing it to change if it needs to.
It's not fair and no words begin to say what your heart means, but open dialog will go far during the weeks and months ahead.
Big gentle hugs to both of you.

[JackandJill]

This happened to me, my coworker and I were a week apart, and I lost my baby at 14 weeks. It was soo hard to watch her pregnancy, being human I was constantly thinking of what I had lost. She and I are still great friends (I actually watched her little one when I first opened my daycare, and we get together every month for drinks.)

I would say take your cues from her, but let her know that you are thinking of her, and know how this dynamic is touchy. I agree with pp, enjoy your pregnancy guilt free. I know that while I was devastated, I was also so incredibly happy for her. And in turn she was very kind, and very sensitive to what I was going through. Be there for her, but also don't be upset if she pulls back. Pregnancy loss is a unique experience for each woman.

In my experience, it brought my friend and I closer together. She was really the only person at the time who could fully understand what I had lost. Best of luck and prayers for your friend!:hug: