What Do I Do With This Child?? (Long)

[Blackcat31]

I spoke with mom yesterday. She listened and agreed with everything I said. I also mentioned that if we are on the same page with discipline this will help at d.o. and p.u. I told her again that once she arrives she is in charge of him and has to pick him up and leave immediately. He is running in the street and I am afraid one day he will be hit by a car. She said she knows. :confused:

This morning at drop off she looked ready to cry. She said he didn't want to get up, kicked her in the mouth when she bent down to kiss him, undressed himself after she dressed him, threw her coffee cup at her, grabbed his gummy snacks off the counter and ran out the door, to her car that was started and locked the doors. The only reason he opened the door she said was because she had the gummy snacks he dropped. WTF?? Please excuse the language. But, after hearing this I feel no matter what I do will help him at home. Right now I am want to maintain him here. I looked at dcm and told her she has to get it figured out or he will harm himself, her or someone else.

Wow! She really needs help! Not necessarily from you as I would not want to be her go-to person because frankly she sounds like the problem.

I would let her have the problem and if you have one at daycare, send him home. If you just keep him because you know she can't leave work or whatever, then you are not helping her.

She NEEDS to feel the consequences of her lack of parenting. And if that means leaving work or losing her daycare for the day, week or permanently so be it. SHE did it not you.

I'd put her on a 30 day probationary period and see if things change. Set some basic ground rules (no hitting, no running off etc) not too many or it gets confusing and then allow redirection up to 3x a day and if he reaches the 4th T.O. or redirection due to violation of the ground rules you laid out, he goes home.

Mom will HAVE to start stepping up if she is having to leave work to "fix" her kids' issues.

Remember you are at work too and your work shouldn't have to suffer because of a parent's bad choice of parenting styles...or lack of.

If this child truly has developmental delays or issues SHE needs to figure them out by seeing the pediatrician or therapist or whatever......the "help" just shouldn't be you continuing to care for him despite the issues. NOT fair for you or the others.

[Jack Sprat]

BC do I need to request a sit down meeting with her?

Or draft a letter?

Should I address pick up times and add this into it as well?

Yesterday, he also took a bike helmet off the porch, ran through the grass (he knows we don't walk on the front lawn) went to the bikes grabbed one and started to drag it down the driveway. DCM stood there and said "No, don't honey. We are leaving." As he drug it down the drive. I finally told him to put it back and get into the car now!

[nannyde]

He's really dangerous. She needs to stop bringing him out in public and keep him home with her or turn his custody over to someone who can keep himself and those around him safe. He's going to ruin someones life. Whoever accidentally runs him over is going to go to their grave in despair.

She is bigger than him and stronger than him. She needs to overpower him physically and take complete control over his body. If she isn't willing to do that then she is not the right person to be in charge of him.

[Jack Sprat]

He's really dangerous. She needs to stop bringing him out in public and keep him home with her or turn his custody over to someone who can keep himself and those around him safe. He's going to ruin someones life. Whoever accidentally runs him over is going to go to their grave in despair.

She is bigger than him and stronger than him. She needs to overpower him physically and take complete control over his body. If she isn't willing to do that then she is not the right person to be in charge of him.

This is exactly what I see happening. It seems the better day he has here the worse that pick up is. Its like he has controlled himself all day and can't do it anymore. Plus, he knows he doesn't have to control himself.

I have a newborn starting in July. My biggest fear is he will harm her. He was here for a week when I had an infant before. He did very well with understanding that babies are "leave its". But, that was his first week here. I don't see this going as well if he is still here in July. I did express this to mom. Again I got the blank look and the I know comment.

[Blackcat31]

BC do I need to request a sit down meeting with her?

Or draft a letter?

Should I address pick up times and add this into it as well?

Yesterday, he also took a bike helmet off the porch, ran through the grass (he knows we don't walk on the front lawn) went to the bikes grabbed one and started to drag it down the driveway. DCM stood there and said "No, don't honey. We are leaving." As he drug it down the drive. I finally told him to put it back and get into the car now!

What are your 5 biggest sticking points with him (AT your house)

ie: him running off into the street etc...

First figure out what things need immediate attention/change. (safety issues should be priority)

Decide "what" it is you want her to do differently. Like holding his hand at ALL times during drop offs/pick ups etc...

Then once you have those things figured out, I would request a meeting.
Lay out your 5 concerns and what you expect her to do about them
Let her know what you are going to do IF she does not do the above (whether that is calling for pick up, terming or hiring an assistant to walk him to and from her car..at HER expense of course,..... )

Give her two weeks to comply with these things. If NO progress has been made, you will know is this is or isn't going to work.

If there are tiny shreds of proof of improvement, extend the time to 30 days.

After those 2 weeks AND the 30 days, have another meeting and go from there.

This mom needs to get the safety issues under control NOW. If that child gets hurt on your property (even if mom is present) YOU could be liable and I would not want to see that happen.

[Jack Sprat]

I was wondering about the liable part...I thought I could be/would be.

Thank you everyone for your help!

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Yes, I would not allow her lack of parentingg to jeapardize my family's income. NOT okay.

I have a rule now. If I have to tell junior to hold mom's hand then junior does NOT get computer time (5 min) thr next day. This is for ALL kids. If junior holds mom's hand before leaving and I say nothing then they have EARNED the right to use the computer for following safety rules. Maybe...?

[cheerfuldom]

yeah this is not going to end well.....

definitely supportive of the probation and I think it is important that you prepare now for termination. He is way too unpredictable to be in group care with infants. I have a daughter with sensory seeking behaviors and she is a handful and that is with me keeping her on a strict routine, good eating habits, strict bedtime, plus the support of a part time specialized preschool with teachers prepared for special needs kids. This is not going to work with a mom who is unwilling to step up and environment not suited to his needs (group care with small babies and a provider I am assuming not prepared for special needs kids)

[Jack Sprat]

Sooo, I spoke to dcm about having a meeting. She asked me to email her my concerns. I did. She never replied, basically didn't say a word. I asked her to find an evening we could sit down to talk. Well, she hasn't yet. I told her again on Wednesday that we really needed to sit down and discuss dcb behavior as it was getting worse and I was very concerned about him being around the newborn and the other children. Her response "I tell him not to bite" I explained it was the biting, the spitting food out at table, the running away from, etc, etc. I stated again to please find a time we could sit down and visit.


However, today he was growling at the other kids. They were asking him to stop. I told him to please stop he was upsetting the other kids. He looks at me and goes "you stop bitc!" He then went on to say it again an hour later to my 12 yr old DD after she asked him to not growl at her.

DCM is at her grandmothers funeral service today. If she wasn't I would have called for an immediate pick up. Needless to say he done here.

[cheerfuldom]

Sooo, I spoke to dcm about having a meeting. She asked me to email her my concerns. I did. She never replied, basically didn't say a word. I asked her to find an evening we could sit down to talk. Well, she hasn't yet. I told her again on Wednesday that we really needed to sit down and discuss dcb behavior as it was getting worse and I was very concerned about him being around the newborn and the other children. Her response "I tell him not to bite" I explained it was the biting, the spitting food out at table, the running away from, etc, etc. I stated again to please find a time we could sit down and visit.


However, today he was growling at the other kids. They were asking him to stop. I told him to please stop he was upsetting the other kids. He looks at me and goes "you stop bitc!" He then went on to say it again an hour later to my 12 yr old DD after she asked him to not growl at her.

DCM is at her grandmothers funeral service today. If she wasn't I would have called for an immediate pick up. Needless to say he done here.

yup. I would do immediate termination upon pickup today. You have already let her know numerous times of the issues as well as offered to meet to work things out and she has declined by not responding in a timely fashion. Now the situation has escalated and you can no longer handle this child. Just term and be done with it. Be prepared for her to use that offer of a meeting against you and be ready with a response when she does so. "I offered on numerous occasions to met up with you to create a plan to address his behavior and you never responded to those offers. Now his behavior has escalated past what I and this environment can tolerate and we are beyond the point of a parent meeting. This is his immediate termination as well as all his belongings. The decision is final and you will have to find another daycare arrangement immediately" Call your licensing agency now and be proactive in case she calls to report you on something.

[Second Home]

Sorry you are dealing with this dcb , it makes for a very stressful day .
If any dck said that to me it would be his / her last day .

[Jack Sprat]

Thank you!

It blows me away that a 3yr old would say that. However, dd has told me he talks this way to his cousins as well. They attend school together.

[Heidi]

yup. I would do immediate termination upon pickup today. You have already let her know numerous times of the issues as well as offered to meet to work things out and she has declined by not responding in a timely fashion. Now the situation has escalated and you can no longer handle this child. Just term and be done with it. Be prepared for her to use that offer of a meeting against you and be ready with a response when she does so. "I offered on numerous occasions to met up with you to create a plan to address his behavior and you never responded to those offers. Now his behavior has escalated past what I and this environment can tolerate and we are beyond the point of a parent meeting. This is his immediate termination as well as all his belongings. The decision is final and you will have to find another daycare arrangement immediately" Call your licensing agency now and be proactive in case she calls to report you on something.

Reminds me of the husband (I once had) who when asked to go to counseling said "No way". A year later, when I told him I was leaving, THEN he thought counseling might be a good idea. Sorry, Charlie, that ship has sailed!

[NightOwl]

What happened between 4/18 and today? She still has not come for a meeting and it's been a solid month??

[Jack Sprat]

No she didn't. I didn't push it either and should have.

Last Friday she sent a text saying she would be 30 minutes late for pick up. I explained that he had to be picked up by 5:05. He was, I sent home a note asking her to please call me. She did and I termed. She said she understood etc. Only thing that bugs me is I see her brother and sister in law weekly at ball and they are so rude to me. I go about my business and do my job as coach and remain pleasent. Just bugs me that they are like that. Oh well, small town drama. Daycare is a much happier and safer place now!!