DH Wants Me To Add More DCKs But I Don’t Want to :(

[SunshineMama]

Last year, I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I cared for a set of twins, a 2 year old, and a 4 year old. I was stressed and miserable and exhausted all the time, and I hated life.

The twins went on to all day preschool, and I had my baby. I added a 1 year old. So here we are today- I have two 1 year olds, two 3 year olds, and two 5 year olds. The 3 and 5's are in school 2 days a week, however I do the transportation for that. (I drive a SUV with a 3rd row, and it is a PAIN to lift the kids over the back seat, into the 3rd rom, take them to school, get them all out, pick up the kids from school, then pack them all in the car to go home, but that's another gripe for another day).

With the crew that I have now, I do not hate life. It is a lot of work, esp since 3 of the littles are my own, and the littlest is still awake at night. I am up 1-2 times in the middle of the night, and awake taking care of kids from 6am, until mine go to sleep, which is supposed to be by 7:30, however the middle child is protesting bed, so I am sticking her back in her bed until 9 occasionally. My "free time" is from 9pm-10pm, in which I usually watch TV and pass out.

I *could* take another dck, but my schedule works out that I only have 4 kids to watch on Fridays, and I usually schedule all of my appointments for then, and have a family member help me out with the kids.

I need a life too. I need to be able to go to drs appointments, and just to breathe every now and then.

We are having money troubles, and dh wants me to take on another dck. I don't want to. I can manage life now, and am relatively happy, and was so miserable before, I don't ever want to go back to feeling that way. I itemized all of our expenses from last year, and noticed where we could make a ton of cuts. DH spends 1-200 a month on his hobbies, and another 150-200 a month on going out to eat at work.

I don't know how to explain to DH that I just cant. He thinks I am just being lazy and that childcare is so easy, so why not. He has no clue that being housebound all day everyday is awful. He is always telling me he would love to trade places bc it is so easy being a SAHM and watching dck's, but when he spends time with our own kids he gets so frustrated and just sticks them in front of the TV while he plays on his phone all day.

WWYD? I have an interview for a DCK tonight, but honestly I want to cancel.

[Unregistered]

He needs a wake up call..& more...

I don't know how you do it as it is, because it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

However, this would be my response to your husband. Yes that is a great idea, we'll pick up two extra kids for the night shift for which you will be responsible because I'll be watching our children, making dinner etc. And tell him you'll line up the interviews for him.

If he doesn't like that one, he can get a night or weekend job because it sounds like you have two jobs as it is. Oh and I can't put on here what else I'd tell him because it's a lot of $@^%!

[MotherNature]

Show him this post..or basically tell him everything you said here. He's being unreasonable. Wanting you to work harder while he doesn't have to give up anything. Put your foot down or compromise on something with him. I'm not sure why you can't tell him everything you told us. Have you done that? It sounds like you guys need better communication skills if not. (That's not meant to sound judgey..just an observation.)

[SunshineMama]

He keeps telling me that watching daycare kids, or our own kids isn't "hard." I agree- it's not exactly rocket science mentally per-se, however, when you are sleep deprived, and taking care of everyone else for 12-15 hours a day, the hard part is holding in my own frustration with it. Sure, it's easy to stick a bunch of kids in front of a TV and feed them easymac and hot dogs, but that isn't what I do. I am a all natural/organic, homemade, no TV, educationally inspired daycare. That is how I want to raise my own kids, and that's how I care for the dck's as well. Just because I am good at my job doesn't mean it is easy. The kids are well behaved bc I get off my butt each and every time to reinforce every rule, and stress manners and good behavior. The house is clean bc I clean it.

I feel like I stand in the center of the room all day, and just go around picking up, refereeing, feeding people, doing crafts, and taking kids to the bathroom. Even during the kids free play, I still have to closely supervise. I cant go to the bathroom with the door closed, I eat standing up... it is so frustrating. And this isn't just for my "job," because I do the same before and after work with my own kids.

I suppose I just need to vent. Would you cancel the interview tonight?

[Lil'DinoEggs]

You can't convince him, you can't change him. I'm sorry you are going through this. I 100% understand how you feel.

My first thought and reaction to your post is that this is not a child care or money issue but a relationship issue. He cannot understand what you are talking about.

My very old fashioned advice: figure out what he wants. Make him happy. Right now he thinks he will be happy with more money. But if you show him how to be happy in other ways (not necessarily sexual, haha) he will feel better. He may be completely insecure about money. Sorta like a someone who isn't allowed to have candy, so all they want to eat is candy. Once he feels more secure, he may not worry about the extra income.

My husband stresses out about the kids. I didn't realize it for a long time. I didn't understand why I hated the weekends. It was because he would sit and play his ipad with a movie going and wonder why the kids are cranky after four to six hours of doing nothing. I wanted to yell and scream. But, as a woman of faith (yes you can eye roll, haha) and I wanted to know how to change him to understand what he was doing wrong. I realized I couldn't. So instead, I take the kids out on the weekends, I make extra crafts. If he leaves, I suggest he takes at least one kid out for ice cream and make a mini date out of it always involving something he likes. If he does put on a movie, I get the kids involved or I use it as a break for myself to take a shower or workout (which is hard when I just want to catch up). The end result, I work more, but I am less stressed on the weekends, if that makes sense.

[Heidi]

Is there a way he can spend a day with you during the week and SEE what you do all day? If so, tell him after he does that, you'll consider it. But, you also need to sit down TOGETHER and see where you could cut some things out of your budget. "WILL YOU DO THAT FOR ME, HONEY?" l

I've also realized a long time ago with my own dh is this that he needs time to mull things over. So, when I have a request of him, I always say "why don't you think about it for a couple days...then WALK AWAY. It seems to really help him digest if he doesn't feel pressured to answer on the spot. So, make your proposal, say that, and let him think. My dh can be very unreasonable (fight or flight of him is ALWAYS FIGHT), but he usually does the right thing in the end.

[SunshineMama]

Show him this post..or basically tell him everything you said here. He's being unreasonable. Wanting you to work harder while he doesn't have to give up anything. Put your foot down or compromise on something with him. I'm not sure why you can't tell him everything you told us. Have you done that? It sounds like you guys need better communication skills if not. (That's not meant to sound judgey..just an observation.)

Every time I talk to him, he gets defensive. If I showed him this post, he would just say that I have nothing better to do than to sit around and complain about him on a forum. He thinks because he goes to work, his life is so hard. I would do anything for his 45 minute drive to and from work. 45 minutes of actual peace and quiet, where I could listen to any music I want to! Heaven. And a lunch break- that would be soooo nice!

We do have poor communication. I have yet to find a way to talk to him without him getting defensive. We have been together 16 years, and married for 6

[SunshineMama]

Is there a way he can spend a day with you during the week and SEE what you do all day? If so, tell him after he does that, you'll consider it. But, you also need to sit down TOGETHER and see where you could cut some things out of your budget. "WILL YOU DO THAT FOR ME, HONEY?" l

I've also realized a long time ago with my own dh is this that he needs time to mull things over. So, when I have a request of him, I always say "why don't you think about it for a couple days...then WALK AWAY. It seems to really help him digest if he doesn't feel pressured to answer on the spot. So, make your proposal, say that, and let him think. My dh can be very unreasonable (fight or flight of him is ALWAYS FIGHT), but he usually does the right thing in the end.

He has seen me doing daycare, and he still says it is easy. Mind you, this is while he sits on the couch with a laptop or tablet. When he watches our kids, he just lets them watch tv or use an ipad while he sits on a laptop, so in his mind, that is what he would do, and it is easy. He doesn't comprehend that when you are the sole influence on the kids, you have to actually work with the kids.

I like the walk away idea. I will try that approach and see if it helps.

[DaycareMom]

Have you communicated that if he made some sacrifices that you wouldn't need to take on an extra DCK?
Maybe suggest making cutbacks, and maybe if that doesn't work out, then take on another DCK - or perhaps he can work overtime hours?
I think you need to express how you feel to him. Perhaps he doesn't realize how you are feeling. Sometimes men need things spelled out for them.

[Kaddidle Care]

Explain to him that by having other people's children in your home there can be liability issues. For every additional child you bring in, the less you can watch them because your time is divided amongst every child there. More children = less supervision which could result in accidents and being sued.

I am amazed that you are able to do what you are already doing with 1 year old twins! You are already Wonder Woman! happyface

When you have little ones, sacrifices have to be made. It's a part of growing up. You running yourself ragged so that he can spend $ on his hobbies is not going to end well.

Before either of you spend you have to ask the question "Do I really NEED this?"

I wish you luck explaining to him that you just can't do it right now. :hug:

[Blackcat31]

Rather than tell him this scenario or that one, why not just ask him to trust what you are saying.

You do NOT want another child in the mix.

If you are happy and managing right now and adding another child to the mix would make it 10x worse, tell him he simply HAS to trust that you are doing the right thing.

Your own children deserve a mother who has the mental and physical energy to spend quality time with them after hours and asking you to take on more is like asking your children to take the short end of it.

Tell him HE needs to look at ways to cut money FIRST before he asks you to give more of YOU.

If he wants a happy wife, happy mother for his children, he should respect what his wife is trying to tell him and figure out another way around the issue at hand.

Stand your ground...your own mental health and physical health is MORE important than ANY amount of money. PERIOD.

[coolconfidentme]

He has seen me doing daycare, and he still says it is easy. Mind you, this is while he sits on the couch with a laptop or tablet. When he watches our kids, he just lets them watch tv or use an ipad while he sits on a laptop, so in his mind, that is what he would do, and it is easy. He doesn't comprehend that when you are the sole influence on the kids, you have to actually work with the kids.

I like the walk away idea. I will try that approach and see if it helps.

Watching someone doing DC & doing DC are two different beast. I would tell him you will consider it. First he has to take some time off work & experience what it's like from your shoes. Do all your DC work (& after work) for a couple of days. No help from you. Everything. Diaper. Bottles. Food prep. Cleanup. No help. Everything. You will also consider restricting your hobby funds $100-200 a month & lunches out by the same amount if he does. (I'm sure you don't have these expenses, but it will bring light to his.) Smile when you mention it & ask him to take time to think it over. Smile again & let him speak.

[SunshineMama]

Rather than tell him this scenario or that one, why not just ask him to trust what you are saying.

You do NOT want another child in the mix.

If you are happy and managing right now and adding another child to the mix would make it 10x worse, tell him he simply HAS to trust that you are doing the right thing.

Your own children deserve a mother who has the mental and physical energy to spend quality time with them after hours and asking you to take on more is like asking your children to take the short end of it.

Tell him HE needs to look at ways to cut money FIRST before he asks you to give more of YOU.

If he wants a happy wife, happy mother for his children, he should respect what his wife is trying to tell him and figure out another way around the issue at hand.

Stand your ground...your own mental health and physical health is MORE important than ANY amount of money. PERIOD.

I will try the trust approach too. I know that is cannot see things from my point of view, and in his eyes, it is easy, so why not add another easy kid and make a few hundred dollars more a month. He just doesn't understand, and I have this far not been able to help him see things from my viewpoint.

[JoseyJo]

He has seen me doing daycare, and he still says it is easy. Mind you, this is while he sits on the couch with a laptop or tablet. When he watches our kids, he just lets them watch tv or use an ipad while he sits on a laptop, so in his mind, that is what he would do, and it is easy. He doesn't comprehend that when you are the sole influence on the kids, you have to actually work with the kids.

I like the walk away idea. I will try that approach and see if it helps.

Maybe instead of him watching you do daycare have him take over for a day/couple hours? Not to prove anything, just cuz you have an appt that you absolutely need to go to and have no sub (something like that so he doesn't think he is being tested!).

Just an idea on how you might be able to get it him to understand- although my honest opinion based just on your posts and my previous experiences I would say it isn't a matter of him "not understanding" how hard daycare is- it is him using that as an excuse to be selfish.

What I could do in your situation, with my personality and life experiences, is to tell him NO. NO you cannot take on more kids, NO you cannot work more hours, NO you cannot do XYZ.

Then tell him you ARE willing to cut out (insert whatever thing you do that is adding to the budget that is optional, that you are willing to give up. For example for me that would be going out to eat, I am willing to cut our out to eat costs from approx $75 a week to $25. For us that is a "me" cost since I am the cook, my hubby doesn't care what we eat and sometimes I don't want to cook!). That will remove however much (in my example $200 a month, 1/2 of 1 child's income) from the budget. Then leave it at that. You have already shown him how he can give things up to lower the budget. It would be obvious, without having to be said, that you have met him 1/2 way and if he really thinks you need the income from 1 more child he would need to cut 1/2 a child's income from your budget or make 1/2 a child's income more in added hours at work or another job. If he doesn't make those changes then so what? You already met him 1/2 way. If he brings up the issue again say that $'s saved are the same as $'s earned and you already cut your part of 1 child's income from your expenses

[Play Care]

I disagree with having hubby take over DC to "show" him. The OP has already said he would park the kids in front of electronics and then tell her all about how easy it was

This isn't about dc. Like another poster said, this is a relationship issue. He hears what he wants to hear and idk if anyway the OP approaches it will make a difference.