Shy 5 Year Old

[AmandasFCC]

I have a 5yo kindergartener who comes only before and after school. She just started in September and the only reason she's coming here rather than her old daycare is because I'm immediately across the street from the school and old daycare doesn't transport children. She doesn't come on non-school days, and Mom usually has 3-5 days off during hte month on top of non-school days that she doesn't come.

She's VERY shy. Seriously, the girl doesn't talk. I ask her how her day was and she barely whispers "fine." Trying to get anythign else out of her is like pulling teeth. She'll play with the 3.5yo I have in care, and if my dd (2) is playing a game (rather than whining and crying as is her usual temperament this last couple weeks ), she'll play that game, but otherwise she'll just sit on the teeter totter and watch what's going on. I try to engage her and she just says "no thank you" and that's it.

I dunno what else to do to get her out of her shell. Honestly, I don't relate well to school-aged kids. She's very sweet, I can tell that much, just VERY reserved ... Any suggestions?

[Unregistered]

Do you think it would help to assign her the task of being your "helper" with the younger children?

[missnikki]

It sounds just like one I have. She is talkative about 1 day in 30 for me. She wants to be begged to play, and I won't do it. The parents hang on her every word when they pick her up, and funniest thing- the dad's voice gets all squeaky and girly and he does the 'baby talk'....arrrgh, no wonder she isn't interested in hearing me.
She will open up more if I'm alone with her. She responds to one- on-one, but shrinks away in a group setting. What I try to do is not ask, I tell her, "We are going to do ___." She will say no, or no thanks, and I tell her, "This is what we are doing. It is not free play time. If you aren't going to play, you can sit at the table with your head down until you are ready, but we will not wait for you. Come join us or go to the table until we are done."

[Unregistered]

I was the shyest child ever. My parents did not coddle me AT ALL. I was the youngest of four and the rest were very outgoing. I spent most of my time under tables or standing on the outskirts or hiding behind my mom. I was in 8th grade before I made friendships. Some children are just that way. I'm not shy now, my family laughs that no matter where I go I find out the life stories of people I meet in just a few minutes. I was better with people if they didn't go out of their way to "include" me.

[MaryFlowers]

My daughter is like that. She likes to watch first and she will join when she is ready. People are different, and kids are too. I say don't worry about it; the support she needs from you is your willingness to let her be. She just needs time.

[QualiTcare]

It sounds just like one I have. She is talkative about 1 day in 30 for me. She wants to be begged to play, and I won't do it. The parents hang on her every word when they pick her up, and funniest thing- the dad's voice gets all squeaky and girly and he does the 'baby talk'....arrrgh, no wonder she isn't interested in hearing me.
She will open up more if I'm alone with her. She responds to one- on-one, but shrinks away in a group setting. What I try to do is not ask, I tell her, "We are going to do ___." She will say no, or no thanks, and I tell her, "This is what we are doing. It is not free play time. If you aren't going to play, you can sit at the table with your head down until you are ready, but we will not wait for you. Come join us or go to the table until we are done."

why would you make her put her head down? that's cool if you don't let her do a different activity (i guess -although i don't see how coloring or drawing could hurt) but why make her put her head down? i'd say "no thank you" also to someone that did that to me. i'd probably be too afraid to say anything else.

[missnikki]

why would you make her put her head down? that's cool if you don't let her do a different activity (i guess -although i don't see how coloring or drawing could hurt) but why make her put her head down? i'd say "no thank you" also to someone that did that to me. i'd probably be too afraid to say anything else.

Maybe I should have elaborated on this.

She will follow kids around and watch them, not wanting to join them at all, just watch and lurk. When they are busy, that's when she moves over to me, and asks me to play a one-on-one game with her. I tell her, "Right now I am playing ____ with the group, would you like to play ___with us?" She will say, "But I want you to play with me." I explain to her that she has the choice to play ___ with us or how about ____ with so- and- so? (Constantly interrupting play to have me offer a hundred things to do just so she can say NO.) She seems happy if I ask her first when initiating activities, but as soon as I ask the next child, she pouts and whines. It's an attention thing. We've had this going on for about 2 months now. If she had her way, I would ignore all the other kids and play with only her. I've done that, too, only to hear her tell her mom/ dad at pick up that she had another bad day because no one would play with her. The parents then get all goo-goo and whiny, too. So what I've started to try is this: When she starts the whining, I do the "I can't understand what you are telling me in that voice" bit. She will start 'HMPH"ing and "AWWW C'MON"ing so I say, "You are going to sit at the table with your head down until you are ready to find something to do." I'm not going to play with her alone until she shows that she can self- direct play, which I'm trying to introduce her to. If she just wants to pout, she can at the table.

[QualiTcare]

Maybe I should have elaborated on this.

She will follow kids around and watch them, not wanting to join them at all, just watch and lurk. When they are busy, that's when she moves over to me, and asks me to play a one-on-one game with her. I tell her, "Right now I am playing ____ with the group, would you like to play ___with us?" She will say, "But I want you to play with me." I explain to her that she has the choice to play ___ with us or how about ____ with so- and- so? (Constantly interrupting play to have me offer a hundred things to do just so she can say NO.) She seems happy if I ask her first when initiating activities, but as soon as I ask the next child, she pouts and whines. It's an attention thing. We've had this going on for about 2 months now. If she had her way, I would ignore all the other kids and play with only her. I've done that, too, only to hear her tell her mom/ dad at pick up that she had another bad day because no one would play with her. The parents then get all goo-goo and whiny, too. So what I've started to try is this: When she starts the whining, I do the "I can't understand what you are telling me in that voice" bit. She will start 'HMPH"ing and "AWWW C'MON"ing so I say, "You are going to sit at the table with your head down until you are ready to find something to do." I'm not going to play with her alone until she shows that she can self- direct play, which I'm trying to introduce her to. If she just wants to pout, she can at the table.

that makes sense. SORRY! it just sounded pretty harsh at first.