I'm A New DCM - Question For Providers

[Babyluver2]

I only have a couple of working mom's who are friends and they're at work! Plus they live kind of far. One of them acts like leaving her babies is no big deal but I know that's not true because her cubical is COVERED in pictures of her kids.

I come from a VERY religious background where mom stays home with the kids. I have a rather large family and all my sister's stay home with their kids. When I talk to them they always tell me I should stay home and I'll regret going back to work. I've pretty much stopped talking to them but that leaves me feeling lonely, too. And I know they're judging me. My social group was mostly religious people so when I hang around them they don't really know what to say when I tell them how hard this is. They can only relate by saying how they had to leave their kid for an hour in the church nursery. I appreciate that they try to relate but it's not even close to similar. Plus, I feel like a lot of them are judging me.

What you need is another WORKING mom. not any family. Besides, what do they know? They do not pay your bills, right? So they can judge all they want, however, until the skeletons in their closets are buried, they should really say nothing about how you take care of your life. You have to do what you have to do and that sounds like working. Therefore, you can only take care of yourself and not allow anyone else tell you how to do so. I know that's very difficult at times (I have a crazy family and I have been belittled, picked on, spit at, you name it) and if you're feeling alone, you may simply not feel like trying to talk to anyone (after all---wouldn't they judge you too? (in your mind), right?) But there ARE lots of working moms out there who have been where you are. When you get to know a few of them, it will help you to talk it out, but it will take time.

We've all been there. I started out as a working mom too. My first child I took 12 weeks off and had to leave her with a stranger I didn't know. The lady was great but very unreliable. So we dropped her with a friend, whose husband became a weirdo toward me. So we pulled her out and finally, after much research, we found a wonderful provider. I then got pregnant with my son, and she'd stopped taking infants under 2, so to start looking again was horrible! I met a wonderful lady, and kept my son there until I decided to become a provider myself. I still use the provider (former) on a drop-in basis. She NEVER made me feel bad about having to work, but my kids went through an adjustment period. BUT they're all better for all of their experiences. Meanwhile, my drop-in provider went through some illness, so because my kids were now over 2, we called our other provider for drop-in care, except that she'd died so we ended up just not ever taking my kids ANYWHERE. I'd do the daycare all day, and then have to do all my errands with my own children without any reprieve at all. Until our drop-in provider got well, that is. I learned it was OK to need and want help. I had NO family help me, as I was disowned (long story, stupid story) No one. I had the MOST unreliable friends one could have. But this lady stuck it out with me. Then about 2 years ago, I decided to go to work and found out a friend of mine did full-time care (my current DI provider does no transportation) so I hired her to take my kids on.

Without time and trust, we would NOT have her as part of our family like she is now.

I probably just babbled, but want you to know that I've been a working mom to a daycare mom to a working mom again.

It's never gonna be easy.

[Blackcat31]

What are tags?

Because I cannot log into my acc't I cannot see pics/links/siggies or anything so I could be missing them

I sent you an e-mail with your user name and password so you could log in.

If you still have trouble, let me know.

[My3cents]

I feel like this is definitely an underlying issue at the heart of complicating my request. I've lurked around the forums for awhile and have noticed that this is a big issue between providers and parents. Providers are often insulted at the lack of trust parents give and aggravated at the over-bearing that follows due to this lack of trust. I suppose in a way I can understand but mostly I don't understand, particularly when the child is new. I know my asking to stay after the provider has had her a couple of times could be interpreted like a demotion in a way, but that is not what it is at all! It has nothing to do with whether I trust her or not. I want to make this transition as easy for my lg as possible and abruptly leaving her alone with a total stranger for long periods of time seems like it would be much more difficult for her then if I were there for awhile to acclimate her to the new environment. I also think it would help my lg to see me interact with the provider. This seems to me a difference of philosophy, not one of trust. But I think inevitably it would feel like a slight.

It would be confusing to your child of who is in charge, and would interfere with the bonding of the provider and child. Things are not the same at daycare as they are at home. If you want that kind of care, your best to find a nanny-

You sound like you did your homework, you looked for a good provider, checked references from other parents that have been in your providers care or personal references if this care provider is just starting out. Now you have to trust that you made a good choice for your little one and give it time to work out. No provider wants a Mom to hang out for hours and for several reasons. Your instinct will direct you. You may be the type of Mom that just can't be away from her kid and that is ok. Daycare is not for you. Has nothing to do with the child, its more your issues. I will say home and daycare are two different things. No one will replace you as the Mom, no one will do things exactly the same as you do, smell the same way you do, have the same mannerisms etc....

If I could not communicate with the provider, I wouldn't leave my child there. Yes I would love the fact that the child could be bilingual but I would want the provider to be able to communicate with me well enough for me to understand first.

Everyone's needs are different. Having been in this business for a very long time I see that your best interest would be hiring a nanny or mothers helper, for the type of services that you would like. I also picture you as a first time Mom with a big learning curve ahead of you. I also see that your are a caring, loving concerned Mom. I wish you the best-

one more thing, the best way to drop a child off is to do it fast, not only for you but for the child. Give your child a kiss, I love you, I will see you soon. You will be helping the child in the long run to be well adjusted and know that they are ok when you can't be together. It stinks as a parent to do this, you don't want to hear your little angel cry. For some kids they cry everyday, every morning. Key is that they don't cry all day. They are happy for most of the day. Having a provider that would tell you if your child was crying all day everyday is important. Most providers would tell you this, they don't want a child in their care that is miserable all day long or could have a possible underlying illness. Your child will cry through out the day, that is normal. Crying is a good thing believe it or not- it strengthens the vocal muscles and other muscles that aid with talking later down the line. Crying out of pain is not or need is not ok. You really have to give a provider a good chance and be ok within yourself to leave your precious with someone other then you. If you can't do that, if you can't do that- it is ok!

[My3cents]

I wouldn't be able to provide services for your infant. I would be scared off because of your perception of her crying and your attribution as to why. The words you attach to it are subjective but, as you have learned in the few months you have been a parent, your perception becomes fact whether it is really true or not. Your perception leads you to believe she is one extreme to another... hysterical when with or been with others and perfectly calm and content with mama.

The stories you already have in your brief experience with child care are enough to ruin a provider if retold in an online review or recounted to the DHS via you or any person who hears your story and decides the provider needs DHS involvement.

I wouldn't touch this gig. I wouldn't allow a four hour interview for as many days as you deem necessary. Your hanging out to transition the baby is really you interviewing the provider. You call it transition but the provider will think it is you interviewing and you (the newbie parent) assessing the providers ability to do no cry care.

I keep thinking how in the heck did my granny who had eleven kids over twenty years produce such great and healthy kids. She not only had kid after kid but she worked a farm and supported them with her hands and back. She didn't spend a minute worrying about brain damage because of crying. Her worries were enough food to go around, laundry, money for a car, and clothing her brood. She had it way easier than you though. You spend your worry on one kids crying. She had tangible worry of basic survival.

I just wanted to say I have read up until here on responses and Nan is right on as is the other advice you have been given~ We are loving childcare providers here on this forum, it does nothing for me to direct you or anyone else here in the wrong direction with caring advice to you even if it is very hard to hear- Many of us have been where you are and that is how we ended up becoming providers- That is not why I became a provider but I have had to leave my darling love with another provider and it killed me to do so and I knew her. You really need to give it time and let routine settle in for both you and your child. Bandino I think hit a good point that if your happy its going to flood over to your child and your child will pick that up, but if your anxious and unsettled they will sense that right out- I wish you the best

[My3cents]

Buyer beware that this child care provider WILL take other children and most likely very soon. There's not enough money in one baby. This parent needs to realize that there will come a day very soon when the provider gets the next baby who needs four hour parental interviews and "teaching" for THAT baby to not cry. This baby will have to endure the provider doing another acclimation transition with a complete stranger parent hanging around for hours over days and the focus of the provider will shift from her no cry training to another babies no cry training so the provider can have money.

There's value in the newbie provider having this experience right out of the gate. For some providers there may be value to this but I think most by far would see it as a ridiculous amount of one to one parent care in a group setting. The newbie provider needs to work out what she will do when subjected to these kinds of requests as they will come often. The parent who is concerned about crying brain damage is becoming the majority. How they deal with "transition" to stave off the brain damage will be different with each parent. One thing for certain... the solution will ALWAYS be more. More one to one... more parent... more time. It won't translate into the provider having a smooth easy time as she gets to know the kid.

The provider also needs the experience of divesting a TON of prestart time and "transition" time and end up loosing the kid anyway because the one to one no cry care can't really be done in a group and the provider dissatisfaction for working SO hard for so little will rear it's head soon. Providers who consider doing this kind of upfront investment need to set basic pay rates to reflect the high probability that they will only have the child a short time after the parent interviewing and transitioning stops. They need to require a substantial upfront amount of money that will pay for the slot for the duration of how long it takes to fill a slot. They need at least a full MONTH of salary from the point where the "transition" time stops forward. That way they have some security of income to cover till the next no cry baby comes along. If she does it for free... meaning only getting care money for this level of parent time she will learn VERY quickly she did a ton of work for a few dollars an hour. That will sting.

More than half of my consulting work now is working with providers trying to manage attachment parents with no cry babies (no cry in fear of brain damage) , toddlers, and the preschooler who has been raised in it in their setting. I never in a million years thought I would have income coming in as a direct result of no cry parenting. Never thought I would make a dime off of it... but alas it is quite the money maker.

I want the book Nan...... get busy, its your time,write that book and get it on the best sellers list. I really like how you turned this around to be a help to us providers as well as the OP.

[My3cents]

As has your perception of my situation now become your truth.

I never said I felt she was being neglected and I don't feel that way at all. It's not about trusting the provider, as I mentioned earlier. It's a difference in philosophies on how to acclimate one's child to a new environment. In an article I read it said staying with the child would be beneficial. Sensing that this might be offensive to some sensitive providers I came here looking for opinions on how that request might come across.

what article was this? Curious as to who would suggest this.

[My3cents]

Thank you! It has been insanely hard. I think since she was so colicky when she was little I developed a really strong bond with her.

It seems there are a few providers here that say they'd be OK with my staying. And then a couple who seem to be freaking out. So I guess there's a wide range. I think since my provider is new she might not freak out; doesn't have all the buildup from years of dealing with difficult parents. But I can see how it would come off as a slight and I don't want to diminish her confidence with my LO. And as you pointed out, there is the element of my "rescuer" mentality that might create too much anxiety while I'm there which wouldn't help anything. Eh! I need to let her know by today whether LO is coming tomorrow or not. Argh! There's so much to consider.

I think most providers are telling you it is not ok to stay-

If your provider is new, she might just not know you don't let a parent stay all day for that long, or needs the money so will do anything you want to keep you. What is the point of you needing care if your there that long? A big thing that would help is to have her in full time care verses part time care so that she can adjust better. Part time leaves no room for routine or a mixed schedule. kids thrive on routine. Best-

[sleepinghart]

Well that sucks. A friend of mine suggested I do that. It's what she does with her kids. I can see how it's making it harder for my lg, though. I think it is best to start her full time next week. Just rip the band aide off! that's gonna be so hard.

Thank you all for your comments. I decided not to ask to stay. And today I dropped the "rescuer" mentality. I dropped her off and left. Usually I sit in the car for awhile to see if I can hear her cry. Sometimes I'll drive back by later on to see if I hear her cry. But I've stopped all that. I haven't gotten a text from the provider this afternoon again so I'm sure she's crying but I'm sitting at home. Blah. I started with one foot in the door but now realize that I was just creating more problems. If I'm going to find out if this works I have to back off. I hate that she's going through this but I realized that by rescuing her, hovering, worrying when I leave, that I'm not only creating anxiety in the provider (maybe) but I'm also not showing that much faith in my own daughter. I think my behavior is sending out signals that she's weak and can't cope, and maybe I thought that. She's little, but she's smart.

I love my provider and know she'll do everything she can do make my lg happy. That was never the question. I guess the real doubt was if my daughter could respond to her cues. I think at the heart of all my worry was that I had no faith in my own daughter.

Thanks again everyone!

Oh, here is the link to the article I read suggesting I stay to help her adjust:

http://www.ivillage.com/babies-dealing-day-care-separation/6-n-137358

In the article is says, "The caregiver can observe your interactions with your child and you and the caregiver can begin building the strong partnership which will form the basis of quality, consistent care for your child."
Guess not!! haha

(Bolded By Me)
~Who wrote the article or answered that specific question:confused:? Does anyone know? It's always important for me to consider the source, that's why I ask. The page is not showing up very legibly for me, so the only thing I found when searching for this answer was:

"Got a question? We've got answers! Doctors, community members, and in-the-know moms weigh in on all the questions you've been dying to ask."

~Which Was Respectfully Snipped From:

http://www.ivillage.com/get-answers-for-parenting-pregnancy

~ETA~
~..Sorry! I think Cheerfuldom may have already answered my question! Thank you Cheerfuldom & any others who have already supplied my answer. I didn't read all the posts before inquiring. I apologize again!

[sleepinghart]

I'm sorry but I don't buy what that article is saying one bit.

It is basically saying a baby should never cry. :confused:

Seriously?

It also states that a baby that cries excessively has an inexperienced, unsupportive or unknowledgeable caregiver.

I know plenty of babies that cried even though ALL their needs were met.

I don't think infants should be dropped into a crib and simply left to cry alone and scared. That isn't at all how CIO is suppose to be used/applied.

It is a method of lengthening the time in which a parent responds to the child so that the child can learn how to wait, figure out their own methods of self-soothing.

Self-soothing needs to be taught....and sometimes that means the baby WILL cry.

(BBM)
~I T-totally agree........And besides, isn't the link in question just another blog anyway...MD or not- still just another blog?:confused:

[sleepinghart]

Buyer beware that this child care provider WILL take other children and most likely very soon. There's not enough money in one baby. This parent needs to realize that there will come a day very soon when the provider gets the next baby who needs four hour parental interviews and "teaching" for THAT baby to not cry. This baby will have to endure the provider doing another acclimation transition with a complete stranger parent hanging around for hours over days and the focus of the provider will shift from her no cry training to another babies no cry training so the provider can have money.

There's value in the newbie provider having this experience right out of the gate. For some providers there may be value to this but I think most by far would see it as a ridiculous amount of one to one parent care in a group setting. The newbie provider needs to work out what she will do when subjected to these kinds of requests as they will come often. The parent who is concerned about crying brain damage is becoming the majority. How they deal with "transition" to stave off the brain damage will be different with each parent. One thing for certain... the solution will ALWAYS be more. More one to one... more parent... more time. It won't translate into the provider having a smooth easy time as she gets to know the kid.

The provider also needs the experience of divesting a TON of prestart time and "transition" time and end up loosing the kid anyway because the one to one no cry care can't really be done in a group and the provider dissatisfaction for working SO hard for so little will rear it's head soon. Providers who consider doing this kind of upfront investment need to set basic pay rates to reflect the high probability that they will only have the child a short time after the parent interviewing and transitioning stops. They need to require a substantial upfront amount of money that will pay for the slot for the duration of how long it takes to fill a slot. They need at least a full MONTH of salary from the point where the "transition" time stops forward. That way they have some security of income to cover till the next no cry baby comes along. If she does it for free... meaning only getting care money for this level of parent time she will learn VERY quickly she did a ton of work for a few dollars an hour. That will sting.

More than half of my consulting work now is working with providers trying to manage attachment parents with no cry babies (no cry in fear of brain damage) , toddlers, and the preschooler who has been raised in it in their setting. I never in a million years thought I would have income coming in as a direct result of no cry parenting. Never thought I would make a dime off of it... but alas it is quite the money maker.

~Nannyde Rocks!!

It's not offensive. It's just a bunch of work that most likely won't work out to make the provider money over time.

Your request isn't unusual. Your perception of your baby is VERY VERY common. Your solutions are common.

This aint our first time to this rodeo. I wish newbie parents could understand that what they come up with and attribute to their child we have seen a ZILLION times. It's not unique. It's not special. It's not child specific.

We have had the same words you use come to our ears. We have had the same facial expressions you use to convey your worry. We have had many many requests to do the parent in order to have the money to do the kid.

Your face looks the same.
Your voice inflection is the same.
Your analysis is the same.
Your child is the same.

It's not new. Nothing you have said hasn't come knocking at our door.

It's WORK. The question you should be asking is if this amount of WORK for the provider is worth the money you are paying her. You should ask what kind of compensation should you be offering to her that is above the child care rate to compensate her for doing you and your kid at this level.

It's not about you or what you think your kid needs. It's about WORK and time. Work and time that will most likely end the way it ended with your previous providers.

No offense to you OP though. Please don't take me wrong. I'm all for picking the kind of parenting you want for your kid. She's your kid so do as you wish. I've been at this long enough to know there are a zillion right ways to raise a kid. My only interest is how does that work in group care and what cost to the provider to fetter through no cry parenting to find the ones who will stay. Your chances of staying are so slim. Your perception is dangerous to a providers long term success. It just is what it is. You could really damage someone's future with your perceptions if you decided to spread the word.

~ Nannyde 2016 !!

[sleepinghart]

I think most providers are telling you it is not ok to stay-

If your provider is new, she might just not know you don't let a parent stay all day for that long, or needs the money so will do anything you want to keep you. What is the point of you needing care if your there that long? A big thing that would help is to have her in full time care verses part time care so that she can adjust better. Part time leaves no room for routine or a mixed schedule. kids thrive on routine. Best-

(BBM)
~I don't have time or patience for a thorough count right now of course so this could be completely wrong, but last time I checked/glossed over the numbers it was like 25-30 providers against it with like 4-5 providers for it either totally completely OP's way/or at least okay with it for only an hour or for one day only, etc. ..Someone correct me if I'm wrong, Idk.

[OP here]

So I put a voice recorder in my little one's diaper bag. What I heard was heart breaking. My little one scream for an hour. She was quiet for a few minutes and than started screaming again. The provider did NOTHING to quiet her. NOTHING. She scream to the point of choking. Her voice started shaking. The recording goes off and on like this the whole time she was there. I'm so incredibly angry. The provider never mentioned anything. Said she was doing great.

Anyway, I'm done with daycare. Thank you all for you comments. There's no way I could ever leave her again.

[JoseyJo]

So I put a voice recorder in my little one's diaper bag. What I heard was heart breaking. My little one scream for an hour. She was quiet for a few minutes and than started screaming again. The provider did NOTHING to quiet her. NOTHING. She scream to the point of choking. Her voice started shaking. The recording goes off and on like this the whole time she was there. I'm so incredibly angry. The provider never mentioned anything. Said she was doing great.

Anyway, I'm done with daycare. Thank you all for you comments. There's no way I could ever leave her again.

Hmmm. I am thinking Troll maybe...

[daycarediva]

So I put a voice recorder in my little one's diaper bag. What I heard was heart breaking. My little one scream for an hour. She was quiet for a few minutes and than started screaming again. The provider did NOTHING to quiet her. NOTHING. She scream to the point of choking. Her voice started shaking. The recording goes off and on like this the whole time she was there. I'm so incredibly angry. The provider never mentioned anything. Said she was doing great.

Anyway, I'm done with daycare. Thank you all for you comments. There's no way I could ever leave her again.

You recorded your provider, in her home, without her knowledge?

This is JUST voice. NOT video. How do you know your provider did nothing? She could have comforted her, held her, rocked her, all while caring for other children.

I'm starting to think op is a troll.

[Blackcat31]

So I put a voice recorder in my little one's diaper bag. What I heard was heart breaking. My little one scream for an hour. She was quiet for a few minutes and than started screaming again. The provider did NOTHING to quiet her. NOTHING. She scream to the point of choking. Her voice started shaking. The recording goes off and on like this the whole time she was there. I'm so incredibly angry. The provider never mentioned anything. Said she was doing great.

Anyway, I'm done with daycare. Thank you all for you comments. There's no way I could ever leave her again.

That was NOT cool!

I'd term you on the spot if you pulled something like that!!

You NEED to be able to trust your provider. If you don't, find another one but secretly recording her is totally over stepping boundaries.

Honestly, I don't think you are going to be happy anywhere. Your expectations do match reality and I think you should find other arrangements.

Family child care is not for you.