Modern Parenting

[professionalmom]

With a lot of the threads and posts that I have seen lately, it makes me wonder, are parents today TRYING to spend the least amount of time that they have to spend with their kids? I get the parent who HAS to work to feed the family and must put the kid(s) in daycare. What continues to baffle my mind are the ones who want to run around before or after work and get all their errands done without the kids, go out on the weekend (or every day that they have off of work), take vacations while dumping the kid with relatives, etc. Sure, parents need a break from time to time, but when you add this all up, the actual parents are only spending 30 - 35 waking hours a WEEK with their kids. FYI - there are 168 hours in a week. Even if the kid sleeps for 1/2 that, it still adds up to 84 hours a week (awake). That's not even 1/2 their waking hours or 1/4 of their total hours in a week.

As a provider, I was this so much. Since I was getting paid to watch these children, it didn't bother me to watch them. What bothered me was the pain I knew these children must have had from being separated from mom and dad (especially dad) for so long so much of the time. It really bothered me to see the pain and know there was nothing I could do about it.

On the flip side, it always seemed like the single moms. The 2 parent families tended to spend every moment with their kids that they could. But maybe it was an age thing. The single moms tended to be younger, while the 2 parent families tended to be older (with the exception of 1 young family that was awesome and mature beyond words).

I fear that we may be raising a generation of children not fully connected to the world because the parents were too selfish to be INVOLVED and spent much of their time trying to stay away from their kids. I worry about the ramifications of this tpe of "me first" parenting.

For the record, I am NOT talking about the occasional time away from your kids. Everyone needs a break. I'm talking about the ones that seem to ALWAYS, every week, spend additional ("break time") away from their kids in addition to work / school time away.

[boysx5]

I have one family that has two girs ages six and two and the parents work so much because they like to be away from these two girls. They are the biggest brats around they get everything but the one thing that is missing is the parents time with them. I was counting up hours one day and Monday through Friday they spend about 24 hours with these girls that to me is very sad someday they will realize and it will be too late.

[booroo]

I think as the parents get older, they will regret these decisions....
I couldn't image not having my time with my kids!!!

[jen]

I was just talking this over with a friend of mine...she had an excellent point.

It seems that peaple have stopped raising their children in favor of simply letting them grow up.

[judytrickett]

I worry about the ramifications of this tpe of "me first" parenting.

For the record, I am NOT talking about the occasional time away from your kids. Everyone needs a break. I'm talking about the ones that seem to ALWAYS, every week, spend additional ("break time") away from their kids in addition to work / school time away.

Basically it comes back to the same old thing - kids who spend ALL their time possible in daycare.

Well, I know YOU know the ramifications but for others:

The Importance of Secure Bonding between Children and Parents by M.L. Genuis, from the Journal of Empathetic Parenting, before March 2000

(meta-analysis shows)...non-parental care for more than 20 hours per week has an unmistakably negative effect...children need their parents when children need their parents, NOT when it is convenient for the parent.

Who Cares? Making informed choices about childcare by Vivienne Reiner, ByronChild Progressive Parenting (Australia), p32-39 March-May 2005

Of course it is a rare parent who would put their babies in care if they thought it was bad for them. ?The pain many parents feel at leaving their infants in childcare is dulled by the belief by most that they like it. But Under Five in Britain, a study of children in child-minding and day nurseries in Oxfordshire, reveals most children do not like to be in childcare. It finds that a startling two-thirds are passive and unresponsive during their stay, with one-quarter being actively clinically distressed or disturbed --- having deeply disturbed language development or sever behavioural difficulties.
The survey concluded that no-one can replicate the mothering experience: 'there is no reason to believe minding someone else's children on a regular basis is the same sort of activity as looking after children in one's own home. Every bit of research that has been undertaken on this subject testifies to the contrary.

But HERE is the money shot:

The Trouble With Day Care
(Are Scientists Telling Parents the Whole Truth?) by Heide Lang, Psychology Today, p17-18 May/June 2005

But the latest findings, from a huge, long-term government study, are worrisome. They show that kids who spend long hours in day care have behavior problems that persist well into elementary school.
...Developmental psychologists are sweeping this information under the rug, hoping studies will churn out better data soon...
Recent evidence from the study shows that the total number of hours a child is without a parent, from birth through preschool matters. The more time in child care of any kind or quality, the more aggressive the child, according to results published in Child Development.
What if, Belsky asks, "kids experiencing long hours in day care are more likely to use drugs, are less ambitious and have trouble with relationships? Parents will say, 'How come no one warned me?' It is our scientific responsibility to tell people what they may not want to know....


Read this whole article of a government funded study citing that the more time a child spends in daycare the MORE detrimental it is to them...............

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200505/the-trouble-day-care

.

It's sad, really it is. We have ALL this research and all these crime statistics following an entire generation in daycare showing us that the more time a child spends in NON parental care the larger and more significant are the problems they develop. But yet we continue to dump our kids in daycare for longer and longer UNNECESSARY hours.

One day it is going to come back and bite us in the ass. Hell, I think it already IS!

[professionalmom]

Basically it comes back to the same old thing - kids who spend ALL their time possible in daycare.

Well, I know YOU know the ramifications but for others:

It's sad, really it is. We have ALL this research and all these crime statistics following an entire generation in daycare showing us that the more time a child spends in NON parental care the larger and more significant are the problems they develop. But yet we continue to dump our kids in daycare for longer and longer UNNECESSARY hours.

One day it is going to come back and bite us in the ass. Hell, I think it already IS!

But the parents ignore all this research and then blame the daycare provider for not being "good enough". I had one parent who was working FT and going to school. Now I do admire that fact that she was trying to pull off the impossible. Dad skipped the country and was nonexistent in the child's life. DCB was in my care for the following schedule:
M 7:30a - 10:30p = 15 hrs
T 11am - 10:30p = 11.5 hrs
W 7:30a - 10:30p = 15 hrs
Th 7:30a - 11a = 3.5 hrs
F - Sun = eslewhere because mom had maxed out DHS hours and would have to pay my OT rate of $5 per hr for any additional hrs.
Total hours just in MY care = 45 hrs (within a 75.5 hrs time span)!!!!
Then she complained that DCB didn't like it at my house because he cried when mom left! FYI - he was fine within minutes (usually 60-90 seconds). Oh, and he was barely 2 years old!
But it was all MY fault. It COULDN't have ANYTHING to do with the fact that he was 2 and missed his mommy and didn't even know his daddy. (sarcasm!!!)

Why aren't these studies being reported on the nightly news or something? Is child safety second to the "comfort" of the parent and only reported when it's "convenient for the parents?"

We, daycare providers, love what we do (or did), but we should the "last resort" for parents, when it is just not possible for them to provide for their kids without some daycare. Even then, it should be for the least possible time. For instance, with 2 income families, they should TRY (not always possible, but if it is, then try) to work opposing shifts to minimize time in daycare. All of my "golden" families understood this, even though they were my PTers and often the lowest money.

[boysx5]

yes as providers they love us and we love them but we are not their parents but some would rather work and never spend a day with their kids I only have one family that will pick up their child early or take a day off with him just very sad

[JustMom]

Wow! I came onto this forum looking for a few answers and stumbled across this thread. Here's another spin on "modern parenting"- Most of us don't go to work out of boredom. Or because we're looking for a hobby. It's to provide for our kids, same as you. And more often than not, it's to compensate for the "fathers" out there who don't have a clue or desire to be a provider or even a presence in their kids lives. And it really, truly does suck that some jobs have really sucky hours. But in 2010, you can't exactly design your dream job and have it magically appear. We do what we have to do. And as a single mother through no fault of my own, it's particularly difficult to hand off my little girls everyday. There is absolutely nothing in the world that I would rather do than be a stay at home mom to my children. But then we wouldn't even have a home! Short of winning the lottery, there is no way I can ever achieve that status as a stay at home mom. And it breaks my heart every single day. So maybe a little more compassion and less judgment on working mothers. And I am one of them that will do errands between work and daycare! I would rather my 1 year old be playing and having fun than getting in and out of the car and being drug around in 90 degree heat. I'd rather race as fast as I can and get it done first.
And, by the way, I am 39 and have 2 little girls, 6 and 1.

[Chickenhauler]

There may be a silver lining to all this.....

We all know a few idiots who have bred and are now raising children. (your results may vary)

If the parents are idiots, then they will have less time for their idiocy to rub off on their offspring, and maybe, just maybe, the cycle of stupid may be broken.

It's a long shot in the dark, but it just may happen........

[professionalmom]

There may be a silver lining to all this.....

We all know a few idiots who have bred and are now raising children. (your results may vary)

If the parents are idiots, then they will have less time for their idiocy to rub off on their offspring, and maybe, just maybe, the cycle of stupid may be broken.

It's a long shot in the dark, but it just may happen........

Thanks for the hope!

[professionalmom]

I was just talking this over with a friend of mine...she had an excellent point.

It seems that peaple have stopped raising their children in favor of simply letting them grow up.

Very nicely stated.

[professionalmom]

Wow! I came onto this forum looking for a few answers and stumbled across this thread. Here's another spin on "modern parenting"- Most of us don't go to work out of boredom. Or because we're looking for a hobby. It's to provide for our kids, same as you. And more often than not, it's to compensate for the "fathers" out there who don't have a clue or desire to be a provider or even a presence in their kids lives. And it really, truly does suck that some jobs have really sucky hours. But in 2010, you can't exactly design your dream job and have it magically appear. We do what we have to do. And as a single mother through no fault of my own, it's particularly difficult to hand off my little girls everyday. There is absolutely nothing in the world that I would rather do than be a stay at home mom to my children. But then we wouldn't even have a home! Short of winning the lottery, there is no way I can ever achieve that status as a stay at home mom. And it breaks my heart every single day. So maybe a little more compassion and less judgment on working mothers. And I am one of them that will do errands between work and daycare! I would rather my 1 year old be playing and having fun than getting in and out of the car and being drug around in 90 degree heat. I'd rather race as fast as I can and get it done first.
And, by the way, I am 39 and have 2 little girls, 6 and 1.

You do not sound like the type of parent I was wondering about. There are parents out there that spend less than 20-30 waking hours a week with their children, not because they HAVE to be away that much, but because they DESIGN it that way. Between work, school, running errands, dating, vacation or "mental health" days, etc., they are almost never with their children.

Also, please do not describe yourself as a "single mom", if you are not one. If you are widowed, divorced, etc., please say that instead. When someone tells me that they are a "single parent", I assume that it means never married, got knocked up, etc. In that case, it wouldn't be "through no fault of my own", because you did cause it by having sex (rape being the exception).

Also, I do have a lot of compassion for working mothers. My mother was one. I was one - even though I worked at home, running a daycare. Sadly, there seems to be a movement that parents should live life to the fullest while leaving their kids in daycare and that scares me. However, women like you who are on your own, trying to spend as much time as possible with your kids and minimize their time in daycare are to be applauded for your strength and dedication. Sadly, I have seen quite the opposite and my heart bleeds for those children.

As for the parent I described, I stated that I admired her dedication to try to do it all. What bothered me was her BLAMING me for her child having issues at drop-off. I wasn't the problem. The lack of time with mom was the problem, not that I'm "blaming" her either. But how can someone blame me when a 2 year old child is confronted with NO mommy time?

[QualiTcare]

so, if you think parents that don't spend enough time with their children aren't doing the right thing, then why are you enabling them?

you know, if daycare didn't exist, more moms would have to stay home and take care of their children.

go on strike against these moms!

[JustMom]

[QUOTE=professionalmom;38292].

Also, please do not describe yourself as a "single mom", if you are not one. If you are widowed, divorced, etc., please say that instead. When someone tells me that they are a "single parent", I assume that it means never married, got knocked up, etc. In that case, it wouldn't be "through no fault of my own", because you did cause it by having sex (rape being the exception).


I described myself as a single mom because that is what I am. I am not widowed or divorced. I am the only parent who takes care of, provides for, and basically does everything for my children. Their father might see them for an hour once every 3 or 4 weeks, if he's not too busy with other "recreational" activities. And the "through no fault of my own" applied to the single aspect, not the fact that I am a parent. Are you serious? But thanks for wanting to know the exact method of conception. If I did happen to be a rape victim, how would you feel right now?

[melskids]

this is a debate that will go on until the end of time......

i just want to say that i am one of those parents who HAVE to work to make ends meet. i have just been blessed to be able to do it from home in a profession i love.

no point to this reply, i suppose...just my 2 cents.....