How Long Can You Put a Child in a Time Out

[sahm2three]

a child in time out? Ok, I ask because I have a boy in my dc who is a hitter. He is always hitting with either his hands, throwing toys, anything. I have talked to his mother about this and she told me yesterday to put him in timeout for the rest of the day if he hits, even if it happened in the morning! The boy is 6. He should know better than to hit. And low and behold, right away this morning he pummeled my son. So, he is in time out. He knows what his mom said, and so I have had him sitting in time out for an extended amount of time. About 20 minutes so far. I usually only do 1 minute per age of the child, but it is constant every day. I don't of course plan to leave him in time out all day, but I want to make sure he thinks I am going to follow what his mom told me to do and really make him think. I am just at a loss of what to do. We have talked and talked about why hitting is wrong and what to do instead. I would terminate, but he has 3 brothers also and they are in my dc as well and I would hate to lose all 4! Any ideas? Not a good way to start the day!

[originalkat]

Because he is school age (6) and I assume the others are younger, I would have him sit at the table away from the others and give him productive to do such as puzzles, books to read, coloring etc... I would tell him that if he can not play nicely with the other children then he will have to play by himself. Then I would do some extra fun thing while he is over there that he misses out on. Make it look natural like you had always planned on doing it and you wish he had not have hit so he could participate.

After 45 min to an hour with his own activities away from the others I would give him the option to join the group. The older a child gets I dont really think the 1 minute thing would be very effective. 6 minuts isnt very long for a 6 year old. My 5 year old daughter spent 45 minutes in her room yesterday for throwing a fit. That type of behavior in unacceptable when they get to be school age. If I would have made her sit for 6 minutes she would not have learned that her behavior had a serious consequence. At the first sign of hitting, I would send him directly back to his own spot away from the other kids. Maybe he will catch on.

[fctjc1979]

Because he is school age (6) and I assume the others are younger, I would have him sit at the table away from the others and give him productive to do such as puzzles, books to read, coloring etc... I would tell him that if he can not play nicely with the other children then he will have to play by himself. Then I would do some extra fun thing while he is over there that he misses out on. Make it look natural like you had always planned on doing it and you wish he had not have hit so he could participate.

After 45 min to an hour with his own activities away from the others I would give him the option to join the group. The older a child gets I dont really think the 1 minute thing would be very effective. 6 minuts isnt very long for a 6 year old. My 5 year old daughter spent 45 minutes in her room yesterday for throwing a fit. That type of behavior in unacceptable when they get to be school age. If I would have made her sit for 6 minutes she would not have learned that her behavior had a serious consequence. At the first sign of hitting, I would send him directly back to his own spot away from the other kids. Maybe he will catch on.

I would suggest the same thing for the same reasons mentioned here. This also creates situations when the boy rejoins the group where kids that like to play with this boy when he isn't hitting will express disappointment to him that they weren't able to play with him. He will eventually learn that it's no fun disappointing your friends and this MAY help him self-motivate to learn how to control his actions. This doesn't always happen, but when it does, it usually works pretty well.

[sahm2three]

I am going to have to have a talk with dcm again today. He sat in time-out for about 45 minutes and I talked to him and sent him back and he is back in time out again. I am not going to allow him to re-enter the group. He will be with me doing quiet things. I hate being punished too! LOL!

[jen]

What I told my dd was, "if you can't play nice with your friends, then you don't get to play with them AT ALL."

Now since it was my dd, I sent her to her room for the remainder of the day. Since you can't really do that with dcb, I would set up an area where he can play all by his lonesome for the rest of the day. I would just put some books, puzzles and the like at a little table in the playroom, or wherever you guys happen to be and make him sit. You can see him, he can see everyone else having fun and no one is getting whacked!

[Michael]

We never do more time then their age. If their three, three minutes time out.

[professionalmom]

Actually this brings up a really good issue: At what age does time-out become inappropriate? Obviously there is a stopping age because you don't see 13, 15, 17 year olds getting time-out. They get grounded and it is usually for days or weeks. Heck I got grounded for a month once (I did deserve it, FYI).

Or is this something that is dependent on the child's DEVELOPMENTAL age and/or personality? I have a 7 year old DCB and time-out is working for him. But I do think he is a rare exception. I have always been of the belief that you must find what the (older) child LOVES and take that privilege away (i.e., video games, bike, etc.), but how would that work for daycare since they usually do not have these ADORED items at daycare?

[judytrickett]

He's six. Time outs won't work for him. IMO, time outs in the typical fashion don't work for any kid. Big deal, so they have to sit there for a big old 3 or 4 or 5 minutes. Whopee. A kid is more inclined to sit in time out and find something fascinating to play with in their toes then they are to actually feel like they are being punished. That's why time out kids don't improve - the punishment does not fit the crime.

He's six. What he is doing is ridiculous. He KNOWS better. Personally, a child like this should be terminated for this behaviour. Not acceptable at all.

You need to get on kids while they are young. You observe and hover and the FIRST time they do it you get on their butts faster than they know what hit them. The learn early on from your attitude and very mean demenour that it is NOT acceptable. They don't do it anymore because there are expectations that they don't do it. It's amazing how different kids will act when you give them the opportunity to act in a reasonable manner.

Don't accept less and they will live up to the expectations.

[mac60]

I agree, time outs are nothing but a big fat joke. And a minute for their years of age.....really, just shows how stupid the whole idea is. Little Johnny is a bad bad boy, he must sit time out for 3 minutes. Really big deal, means nothing, that is why they are back there day after day after day. When some in society decided discipline was wrong and took it away from our system, we now have a bunch of heathens to contend with.

[nannyde]

I agree, time outs are nothing but a big fat joke. And a minute for their years of age.....really, just shows how stupid the whole idea is. Little Johnny is a bad bad boy, he must sit time out for 3 minutes. Really big deal, means nothing, that is why they are back there day after day after day. When some in society decided discipline was wrong and took it away from our system, we now have a bunch of heathens to contend with.

Agree

We need to STOP giving parents and caregivers the idea that in two minutes, three minutes, four minutes a child's behavior can be consequenced, forgiven, and a clean new start can happen.

We are the "point and click" generation. We want things to be done QUICKLY so we don't have to deal with it. Time out became popular because it's so fast and requires a very small amount of work on the adults part. Even if you add a minute or two to do a "conference" with the kid after it's over it's still really fast.

Time out (in the one minute per year fashion) should be called "easy out" cuz that's what it is for both the adult and the child.

[fctjc1979]

I never got a time out when I was a child. My parents believed in spankings, but those weren't used all the time. The method my parents used were ENDLESS conversations, both parents and the offending child alone in a room, continuously asking questions and explaining why our actions were dangerous, disappointing, rude, disrespectful - whatever. They went on FOREVER making us explain ourselves. We knew we did wrong and having to explain ourselves was hard. Believe me, people think spankings are cruel but there were times I wished my parents would just "beat" me and get it over with ::::::::. Parents today are too soft! Make the kid do all the thinking and then explain to them how they lost your trust and you are just shocked and dismayed that they would be behave this way------ it nearly "crushed" me as a child to know that I had so disappointed my parents. I still remember a lot of those conversations. I used to hate when my parents asked me, "so, what do you think we should do about this? What are you going to do to win our trust back?" These discussions literally went on for hours until the offending child had to take a nap when it was all over.

[judytrickett]

I never got a time out when I was a child. My parents believed in spankings, but those weren't used all the time. The method my parents used were ENDLESS conversations, both parents and the offending child alone in a room, continuously asking questions and explaining why our actions were dangerous, disappointing, rude, disrespectful - whatever. They went on FOREVER making us explain ourselves. We knew we did wrong and having to explain ourselves was hard. Believe me, people think spankings are cruel but there were times I wished my parents would just "beat" me and get it over with . Parents today are too soft! Make the kid do all the thinking and then explain to them how they lost your trust and you are just shocked and dismayed that they would be behave this way------ it nearly "crushed" me as a child to know that I had so disappointed my parents. I still remember a lot of those conversations. I used to hate when my parents asked me, "so, what do you think we should do about this? What are you going to do to win our trust back?" These discussions literally went on for hours until the offending child had to take a nap when it was all over.

First off, a BIG KUDOS to you for even bringing up the "S" word.

I think society was better off when we were allowed to spank our kids without worrying about some parent who has a demon spawn calling the authorities on us.

I wouldn't spank a daycare child - although I think a lot of them would benefit from it - but I do and have spanked my own kids. And, as fctjc1979 said, I didn't do it often because I didn't HAVE to. The simple fact that my kids KNEW I would was enough for them to know better than to call my bluff.

Just look at society now....the very reason we are in such a shambles is because no one expects to actually be punished for anything. Why bother to control your actions and desire to be selfish, rude and inconsiderate if nothing is gonna happen to you? And then these kids grown up with a mental mind set that they are entitled to be selfish and self-serving. THAT is why society is where it is.

[originalkat]

First off, a BIG KUDOS to you for even bringing up the "S" word.

I think society was better off when we were allowed to spank our kids without worrying about some parent who has a demon spawn calling the authorities on us.

I wouldn't spank a daycare child - although I think a lot of them would benefit from it - but I do and have spanked my own kids. And, as fctjc1979 said, I didn't do it often because I didn't HAVE to. The simple fact that my kids KNEW I would was enough for them to know better than to call my bluff.

Just look at society now....the very reason we are in such a shambles is because no one expects to actually be punished for anything. Why bother to control your actions and desire to be selfish, rude and inconsiderate if nothing is gonna happen to you? And then these kids grown up with a mental mind set that they are entitled to be selfish and self-serving. THAT is why society is where it is.

I completely Agree!!!

[DBug]

So, assuming that termination isn't much of an option for this child, what would be a good alternative to t/o?

I totally agree that t/o just doesn't work for many kids, but what else is there? Yes, we can get in their face and use the firm voice and intimidation tactics, but what is the actual consequence that should be used?

For my toddlers, if they get 3 (or so) timeouts, I separate them from the others by putting them in the superyard to play, or at the table or high chair. But that's more for everyone else's protection than anything else. I'm not sure it's teaching them much. I've had great school-agers so far, but I'm not sure what I'd do with a 6-year-old like this one ... what do you do if you don't do t/o's?

[fctjc1979]

I've actually used a similar method with my daycare kids as my parents used on me. Only we obviously couldn't go in a seperate room to do it. I ask the kid questions about his behavior. I make the kid explain to me why he chose to behave that way. I don't raise my voice, I just continuously ask questions and have the child answer for their actions until I'm satisfied that they understand what they did was wrong. I REALLY wish I could explain how I do this. It works even for kids 3 and up and the occasional 2 year old. Usually by the time the conversation is done, the child is sobbing, telling me they're sorry, and telling anyone else they hurt/offended/whatever that they are sorry without being prompted to do it because they truly are sorry for what they did. I have the philosophy that I make the kid use THEIR brain rather than me wracking MY brain to figure out what to do. Asking questions is pretty easy (most of the time). To do this method, though, you have to be able to look a kid in the eye while they are crying and still be able to keep going with the questions until you know they get it. There's that backbone again!