Bathroom Hygiene and Self Help Skills

[melskids]

OK....I have a question for all of you.

I have a 4 yr old dcb who does NOT want me wiping him, or even BEING in the bathroom at the same time he is.

I feel, that once a child expresses this to me, I am going to respect his decision, and his body.

I also think it has become a liability issue. I would hate for him to tell someone I touch him even after he says no.

Well, dad is having a fit that the boy goes home with "chicken tracks" in his underwear. He's even gone so far as to say he is actually pooping in his pants and I'm making him sit in it. Which I know is BS...no pun intended.

Mom has no issue and says she never sees anything in his undies. He's not red or sore, or complaining at all about it.

I think, honestly, dad is just trying to pick a fight. (they are divorced)

So my question is, am I wrong for not wanting to touch his butt anymore?

I KNOW they will not wipe his butt next year in pre-k.

[Heidi]

I do not wipe butts once they are potty trained.

I know a lot of people do, but I really feel it's one of the skills of potty training, and I agree with you about the whole akward/liabililty thing.

I will help if there is an emergency situation beyond the child's capacity, and I make sure they wash their hands, of course.

Yes, occasionally a child isn't really skilled at the wiping thing, but they all have extra undies here, and my dc parents understand that I prefer they be autonomous.

2 different philosophies. Neither one is wrong..... You need to do what you are comfortable with (as in all things dc), and if someone doesn't like it...they can shop elsewhere.

[MyAngels]

I agree with bbo. Especially since he has expressed that he does not want your help.

When they are first potty training I make sure that they understand how to wipe, but then they are on their own for the most part.

I have kept some moist wipes in the bathroom for one little girl who just couldn't quite get the job done with regular paper and was getting sore because of it.

[itlw8]

if he is staining his underware dcd needs to teach him to wipe better

And if it is only happening on dcd's days they the problem may be with him and his relationship. Why is dcb pooping his pants after dcd picks him up?

[Hunni Bee]

OK....I have a question for all of you.

I have a 4 yr old dcb who does NOT want me wiping him, or even BEING in the bathroom at the same time he is.

I feel, that once a child expresses this to me, I am going to respect his decision, and his body.

I also think it has become a liability issue. I would hate for him to tell someone I touch him even after he says no.

Well, dad is having a fit that the boy goes home with "chicken tracks" in his underwear. He's even gone so far as to say he is actually pooping in his pants and I'm making him sit in it. Which I know is BS...no pun intended.

Mom has no issue and says she never sees anything in his undies. He's not red or sore, or complaining at all about it.

I think, honestly, dad is just trying to pick a fight. (they are divorced)

So my question is, am I wrong for not wanting to touch his butt anymore?

I KNOW they will not wipe his butt next year in pre-k.

I had a complaint like this a few years ago. The mom wasn't angry, she just said she had gotten tired of the little girls butt stinking when she got home from dc, and she brought me a tub of wipes to wipe her with.

Ummm, I let the dcg do it, but it was still a pain because I had to stand there and make sure she didn't flush the wipe.

I've had a few over the years who asked me to wipe their butts...

I'm with bbo....I help if there's diarrhea or a newly pt child, but other than that, we keep our butts to ourselves.

[MNMum]

In this situation, I would not wipe him. I think you are right. He's 4, not 2. Tell dad you were talking to a friend who's teenage son sometimes has "chicken tracks" in his underwear, too.

I honestly wouldn't know if this is happening with my 3.5 yo's. I'm not inspecting their butt wiping or underwear regularly. If I notice a problem (through sight or smell) then I would have them change their clothes. I get them the plastic bag. They do the changing and rewiping if necessary.

If they asked me for help, I would assist them and teach them how to do it themselves.

[MarinaVanessa]

if he is staining his underware dcd needs to teach him to wipe better

I agree. This is how you should aproach the DCD. Put the ball in his court and make it DCD's responsibility to spend a little extra time showing him how to better wipe his bum.

I'd make a note of this convo in a log and explain to DCD that his DS does NOT want you in the bathroom and that because of his age it is emotionally humiliating to a child for you to not respect the child's decision for privacy. Explain to him that at this stage the child should be able to make decisions about things like this and that you should not shame or guilt him by going against that. Then you can suggest that DCD can assist him at home since he is the male parent and teach him better techniques.

[melskids]

I agree. This is how you should aproach the DCD. Put the ball in his court and make it DCD's responsibility to spend a little extra time showing him how to better wipe his bum.

I'd make a note of this convo in a log and explain to DCD that his DS does NOT want you in the bathroom and that because of his age it is emotionally humiliating to a child for you to not respect the child's decision for privacy. Explain to him that at this stage the child should be able to make decisions about things like this and that you should not shame or guilt him by going against that. Then you can suggest that DCD can assist him at home since he is the male parent and teach him better techniques.

This is exactly what I said to him, but he still made it sound like I'm not doing my job.

Thank you ALL for your advice. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't wrong in my decision.

[Countrygal]

I'm sort of in the other camp. I do wipe butts, but I only have two different families and have gotten their input on what they wish. They both said that if the child is comfortable with it, they would rather not have them in the dirty underwear. Neither of them are very good at wiping - in fact, they might as well not wipe at all because they don't get anything off. But I also encourage them to try to do it themselves and then to call me so I can "check" them. That way they get the practice wiping.

But in this case, I guess I would definitely stop the wiping. I would explain to the dcm what's going on and why I had made that decision. I would also explain IN WRITING to both of the parents. To have something in writing always helps CYA.

Just my ideas.

[melskids]

I'm sort of in the other camp. I do wipe butts, but I only have two different families and have gotten their input on what they wish. They both said that if the child is comfortable with it, they would rather not have them in the dirty underwear. Neither of them are very good at wiping - in fact, they might as well not wipe at all because they don't get anything off. But I also encourage them to try to do it themselves and then to call me so I can "check" them. That way they get the practice wiping.

But in this case, I guess I would definitely stop the wiping. I would explain to the dcm what's going on and why I had made that decision. I would also explain IN WRITING to both of the parents. To have something in writing always helps CYA.

Just my ideas.

Hey listen....I agree. I don't really want him walking around like that either. I ask him everytime he goes in the bathroom "can I help you" and he tells me no. I just don't want to force myself on him and have it come back to bite me, You know?

If he needed my help and was asking for it, I would absolutely still help him. I have other 4 years old who still allow me to help them when they need it.

I think I am just going to make sure he puts clean undies on before he goes home.

[daycare]

I always have the kids try to wipe first and will only assist if I am asked. I agree it is a liability issue, life skill, privacy at this age.

If it is a problem with sad, make dad purchase the stupidly expensive flushable wipes. They work great.

[Texasjeepgirl]

I stop wiping... when they stop asking me to wipe... If they don't call me in... I don't invade their space..

[MrsB]

Well how frustrating for you Melskids. If it were me I think I would tell Dad that I am legally not able to force myself on a potty trained child to help with toileting if they say no. So dad can provide flushable wipes at daycare and lots of underwear or do wipe training at home.

Good luck!

[jenny31052]

I do not wipe them if they are potty trained... I tell them to wipe until the paper is clean...