Your Thoughts On Mom's Potty Training Email To Me And My Response

[Lucy]

I knew this was coming. I have a girl who isn't even 2 yet. She will be 2 on Dec 5th. She's their first child. The mom has told me, "Sometimes she asks to go potty. I think one weekend soon I will see if I can start potty training her". My thoughts are that she's too young, and that she asks to go because she sees the 3 yr olds at my DC do it and wants to be "grown up" like them. So today I get the following email:

"We started working with (girl) on potty training this weekend, since she has shown so much interest in going that we thought we would try. She has done well and has had accidents. I wanted to give you a heads up on what we have been doing and what you would like to have done at your house. At home, she has worn the training panties during the day and wore pull ups at nap and bedtime. When we started yesterday, we set the clock for 20 minutes intervals and would take her in, most times she would go. Today, we haven't set the clock and keep reminding her to let us know when she needed to go. We also would ask her to make sure she wasn't forgetting to let us know.

Before she started training she would mention she needed to go potty and we would take her in. After starting the process, I have noticed that she hasn't really told us she needed to go, it was always the timer or us asking. Do you think that's a sign she's not ready? Or should we back off a bit and see if she'll say it?

What would you like to have done at your house? Do you want her in pull ups or do you mind if she's in the training panties and ask her periodically if she needs to go?

Let me know your thoughts. It's been a day where I keep telling myself that she's pretty young and I wonder what we've started! I hope you enjoy the rest of your day and I'll talk to you soon."

My reply:

"That's great that she is showing interest and is having some success! As you said she is a bit younger than the average age. I've usually done girls at 2 1/2 and boys closer to 3. Some ARE ready prior to that, and some not till 3 1/2.

That being said, home is a whole different world to a group Daycare setting. My policy is to have them be accident free at home for a week before they can be "unprotected" here. Even with me asking on a regular schedule, they will often be focused on playing and not be able to shift their thinking to their bladder. Also, and this is just my theory mind you, I think taking them in on a regular schedule isn't really "training". I think it has to be all on them to let you know. You can remind them to let you know, but they need to have the experience of the urgency in order to learn to listen to their body. It sounds like that's what you did on the 2nd day from what you said. And the accidents do need to happen. They need to learn a consequence for not listening to that feeling. And obviously, I can't devote as much time to the accidents as you could at home.

Pullups are fine. And if she says she wants to go, I will definitely take her. As (the two 3 yr old girls at my DC) go potty throughout the day, I might say "does anyone else need to potty?", and if she says yes, I will take her. I will work with her as much as time and commitments with the other kids permit, but I just can't do unprotected until she shows capability of listening to her body mostly on her own.

By the way, I do a smaller toilet seat that fits on the big toilet, with a step stool. Not sure what she is used to at home. We'll give it our best effort and I'll keep you posted! See you tomorrow."



Your thoughts? Did I word it nicely so as not to tick her off, but yet get my point across clearly? Do you guys agree with what I said, or do you have other methods or policies? I've done DC 17 years, but I've always just done whatever the particular parent says they did at home. I'm just tired of dealing with the accidents, so I thought I'd use my new backbone I found here at Daycare.com!!!

ETA: Wow, colorful post!! LOL

[mismatchedsocks]

Sounds good, I might take out the part where you wrote...:And obviously, I can't devote as much time to the accidents as you could at home.: and "I will work with her as much as time and commitments with the other kids permit" just a thought.

[Lucy]

That part was just meant to have her realize that it's a GROUP setting, whereas at home she only has one kid to care for, I have 3 during school times, and 6 before and after school. Was it too harsh sounding??? Yikes.

[mismatchedsocks]

Not too harsh, but dont want her to think you "arent willing" to devote extra time. I agree though she is not ready until telling you. Putting on potty every 20 minutes in my opinion is not potty training. Good luck! I did have a set of parents wanting to start at 18 months. I was leary, but she wore pull ups here and I waited for a sign from her. After a weekend working with mom and dad she would say pee pee a few times a day, then go. She was fully trained by 2, but took about 6 months. When they are ready I dont think it should take THAT long!

[Abigail]

I do think taking a child to the bathroom for a potty break is "training", but I feel that your letter focuses more on "trained" vs. "training" because I kept reading how you can't be "unprotected" until a week of successful training happens at home. Just under 2 is not too young. We had a girl who was 16 months start potty training and before she was 20 months she was fully trained and has been in underwear since 20 months. She is an only child and our daycare did have 18 kids.

Do you have a potty training policy? I do, it's about half a page. I don't think that taking her every 20 minutes to the bathroom is beneficial in any way. You should ask how they came up with the 20 minute theory. LOL. I would start out by creating a potty training section in your handbook. Then, I would let the parent know that you will begin having her take a potty break along with the rest of the big kids instead of just doing diapers or asking if she needs to go. Asking them is what you do when they're potty trained, don't give her the option because every scheduled potty break everyone tries or they get their diaper checked. Simple as that.

Also, what is the difference between training panties and Pull-Ups? This is why you should create a potty training section in your handbook. "Do you want her in pull ups or do you mind if she's in the training panties and ask her periodically if she needs to go?"

[youretooloud]

I thought it sounded good. I think it's great that they are willing to potty train their own child. I have never had a parent who will potty train a child. I've had to do it every single time.

I usually just know when they are ready...but, I doubt I'd try to potty train before two... I always do it way before age three though.

[Lucy]

My answers to you are in red.

Just under 2 is not too young.

I agree with you in some cases. And that's why I told her "some" can at that age, but it is under the average age.


I don't think that taking her every 20 minutes to the bathroom is beneficial in any way. You should ask how they came up with the 20 minute theory. LOL.

I agree!! It seemed kind of arbitrary to me too LOL. It's not training her to do anything except NOT think about going, because mom & dad will think for you.


Asking them is what you do when they're potty trained, don't give her the option because every scheduled potty break everyone tries or they get their diaper checked. Simple as that.

I don't do the "scheduled potty and diaper" time. I make my daycare a home environment where they go when they feel like they need to go (once they are fully trained, that is). I change a diaper when it feels full. Nothing against more scheduled care, but that's just how I roll.

Also, what is the difference between training panties and Pull-Ups?

Training pants (the way I interpret what she's talking about) are the thick cotton underpants that are kind of cloth diaper material. They leak badly when wet! Obviously pullups wouldn't.

[Blackcat31]

I think your response was great. It clearly stated your take on the situation, showed support for what they are doing and opened up the door for further conversation.

I used to do ALL the work before also. I listened to and followed whatever method the parent chose but after so many years in this business I realized it is ALOT of work on my part and very little on the parents.

I now request that parents start and complete the process at home before the child can wear undies only at daycare. Don't get me wrong, I fully support the parents but am no longer so actively involved.

[Lucy]

I think your response was great. It clearly stated your take on the situation, showed support for what they are doing and opened up the door for further conversation.

I used to do ALL the work before also. I listened to and followed whatever method the parent chose but after so many years in this business I realized it is ALOT of work on my part and very little on the parents.

I now request that parents start and complete the process at home before the child can wear undies only at daycare. Don't get me wrong, I fully support the parents but am no longer so actively involved.

Yes. This sums me up exactly!

[cheerfuldom]

Do you have a potty training policy outlined in your parent handbook or contract? I believe the spirit of the email was very well intended but maybe it is just me, I am not seeing clear "this is what I can do" and "this is what I cannot do". It seems like there is a lot of wiggle room in your response that opens this up to further discussion or expectations from the mom. I have found it easiest to say something like "here are the five things I require before pursuing potty training at daycare....". For instance, it doesn't sound like you are willing to do the every 20 minutes thing (which I wholeheartedly agree with you!) however, the guidelines of what you WILL do aren't clear. How often do you take the older girls? How long will you let her "try" on the potty?

Just from the gist of mom's email, the child has already lost interest. Stating "she is doing well but has had accidents" seems like parent-speak for "we want her potty trained but can see that it is not happening right now". My best advice is to work on a clear potty training policy. Forward this to the mom and all other moms of diapered kids (so your policy will not be a surprise when the time comes)

My general policy includes the fact that the parents do all the initial work and provide pull ups as long as I require them. These two facts have greatly cut down the potty training for kids that are completely not ready yet. It forces the parents to get a clear idea of what their child can and cannot do. So far, ALL of the "early" potty training parents have backed off after one or two days of doing it themselves

[Abigail]

Don't you at least have a scheduled potty break before nap and before going outside? I have about 4 times throughout the day that we'll do potty breaks just because it keeps us on schedule, but I also plan to expand to a group daycare with 12-18 next summer so I must keep organized or potty accidents will occur more often.

[Lucy]

Do you have a potty training policy outlined in your parent handbook or contract? I believe the spirit of the email was very well intended but maybe it is just me, I am not seeing clear "this is what I can do" and "this is what I cannot do". It seems like there is a lot of wiggle room in your response that opens this up to further discussion or expectations from the mom. I have found it easiest to say something like "here are the five things I require before pursuing potty training at daycare....". For instance, it doesn't sound like you are willing to do the every 20 minutes thing (which I wholeheartedly agree with you!) however, the guidelines of what you WILL do aren't clear. How often do you take the older girls? How long will you let her "try" on the potty?

Just from the gist of mom's email, the child has already lost interest. Stating "she is doing well but has had accidents" seems like parent-speak for "we want her potty trained but can see that it is not happening right now". My best advice is to work on a clear potty training policy. Forward this to the mom and all other moms of diapered kids (so your policy will not be a surprise when the time comes)

My general policy includes the fact that the parents do all the initial work and provide pull ups as long as I require them. These two facts have greatly cut down the potty training for kids that are completely not ready yet. It forces the parents to get a clear idea of what their child can and cannot do. So far, ALL of the "early" potty training parents have backed off after one or two days of doing it themselves

I do get what you are saying. If this were the parents of the 3 yr old girl that I have with pita parents, I definitely WOULD have been more cut and dried on what can and cannot happen. I think you just get a "feeling" on some people, if you follow me. These particular parents have been very respectful and have never taken advantage of me in any way, shape, or form. They have always asked first for everything, and I feel that the tone of her email above is of asking, not telling. If I had to pick a negative for them, and this is a stretch, it would be that they are first-time parents, as evidenced in her potty training "method" .

What I WILL do wasn't clear? Hmm. I thought it was. I'm not being sarcastic at all, so please don't take it that way. I told her that I will take her whenever she asks, and that I will ask "does anyone else need to go potty" whenever one of the 3 yr olds go. I said I will work with her as much as possible, but that I need her to be in pullups so I don't end up cleaning up an accident.

This is currently my youngest child, so a fore-warning for diapered kids is a moot point here, but I get what you're saying. I do need to include a clear written plan in my contract. Thanks for that suggestion.

You said, "My general policy includes the fact that the parents do all the initial work and provide pull ups as long as I require them." And yes, this is exactly what my intention was to get across to her. I hope I did!

UPDATE: She just answered and said,

"Sounds good with you working with her as you can. Her diaper bag will have both pullups and diapers. Keep me posted if she does go during the day.

We too have the same toilet set up as you do.

Thanks again for your help. Let me know if you can think of anything else. We're new at this! I thought we would try now since she was so interested.

See you tomorrow!"

[MyAngels]

I thought it sounded fine. Not too harsh at all.

[Abigail]

So sweet, I think you have a wonderful parent to work with!

[Lucy]

Well thanks everyone for your opinion. I'll let you know how today goes. It's still early here in the west.