MY Kid Is Jealous!

[Ariana]

I need some advice on how to handle my child's jealousy towards an 18 month old I just started. My daughter is 2 and reacts very negatively towards this child especially when I show her any affection.

I've tried explaining that I'm taking care of this girl while her mommy is at work and even got a book from the library about jealousy but it's not helping. I am assuming it's a phase that will pass in time (the girl only started last week)??

Any advice? Thanks

[Ariana]

anyone?

[nannyde]

My experience is that jealousy doesn't really occur in young children. I've seen many adults call bad behavior jealousy but it's a word for the adults and many adults are quite enamored by it... deep down inside they LIKE it. Seeing yours do jealousy means YOU are the most special to them. Not saying that's your role in this but PLEASE check yourself to make sure that's not happening.

About her behavior: She's behaving in an unstable way and that most likely comes from YOU. She's sensing YOU are off kilter and she's balancing YOUR behavior out.

If you are leading her she will accept who YOU accept. She doesn't get to pick. She shouldn't have a single say in what you do. She's a two year old... a very very new human being. She doesn't know what YOU need or what the other little one needs. She can't decide because she couldn't possibly even understand it.

You need to tell her to STOP behaving that way and that you will hug and kiss whoever you want. If she doesn't like it she can be gone (go play) and do something else. Turn her AWAY from you and shun whatever behavior she is doing that is coming into your brain as jealous behavior.

Once you let her know she doesn't have anything TO do with it and can't do anything about it... she will accept it.

[daycare]

My son had a hard time sharing me when he was about 1.5 years old and would not like the attention I gave to others.

So I decided to have a set schedule for my child that was different than everyone else.

I looked at it this way. My son did not ask me to daycare and did not ask to be in daycare for 12 hours a day. I don't think it would be fair for him to have to adhere to DC rules for that many hours a day.

I created his own space in my front room, so that I could still keep a watchful eye on him. This space was his, no one else. DCK could not go into this space only him and I. I did want my son to participate in my preschool class, but he had no desire. SO I let him come and go as he pleases. The only rule I have about his toys in his space is that if he takes them into the DC room then they become free game to all of the kids.

I also feed my son after the daycare kids lay down for naps. We eat lunch together and I will often give him a special snack. We then play together and some times even read books, color or watch a special movie together. I lay him down to nap from 2:00-3:30 only.

Once I started doing this, his demand for my attention really dropped. He however, still gets tired of having to hear, sorry son you will have to wait a few minutes until I am done helping DCK with this or that. I tell him if you are patient and wait for me to be done, we can have extra special.

[Cat Herder]

anyone?

I started to post many times...but after having my hand bitten so many times, I stopped reaching into this cage (providers kids).

Providers being willing/able to enforce rules equally for their own children, in the group of daycare kids, is a skill few posses.

Even fewer are willing to admit it. This is why most centers wont even permit it. Many wont even let the employees kids attend the same center, but send them to a "Sister" center, instead.

I STRONGLY feel that this is the main reason so many new providers burn out within the first 2 years. I would take it a step further to say I would not enroll my own child in that situation because I grew up in it myself.

IME, It typically goes one of two ways.

1. "Center Brats": Must be center of attention, tantrums when not, violent toward daycare kids, tattle tail, and bosses everyone around.

2. "Drone": They mentally check out because all they hear all day is "In a minute", "Not right now", "Wait your turn", or "You should KNOW better (because they are expected to set the example)." These are the kids that the other kids target/torment.

I never kept kids my own kids age. My kids have never been a part of the daycare group. IMHO, It is why I am still happily in business.

Nannyde's plan is the best plan I can think of other than adjusting the ages of your DCK's.

Before you get offended, please remember you asked. You don't have to agree with me to be my friend. That is the beauty of free will and personal experiences.

[daycare]

I started to post many times...but after having my hand bitten so many times, I stopped reaching into this cage (providers kids).

Providers being willing/able to enforce rules equally for their own children, in the group of daycare kids, is a skill few posses.

Even fewer are willing to admit it. This is why most centers wont even permit it. Many wont even let the employees kids attend the same center, but send them to a "Sister" center, instead.

I STRONGLY feel that this is the main reason so many new providers burn out within the first 2 years. I would take it a step further to say I would not enroll my own child in that situation because I grew up in it myself.

IME, It typically goes one of two ways.

1. "Center Brats": Must be center of attention, tantrums when not, violent toward daycare kids, tattle tail, and bosses everyone around.

2. "Drone": They mentally check out because all they hear all day is "In a minute", "Not right now", "Wait your turn", or "You should KNOW better (because they are expected to set the example)." These are the kids that the other kids target/torment.

I never kept kids my own kids age. My kids have never been a part of the daycare group. IMHO, It is why I am still happily in business.

Nannyde's plan is the best plan I can think of other than adjusting the ages of your DCK's.

Before you get offended, please remember you asked. You don't have to agree with me to be my friend. That is the beauty of free will and personal experiences.

I have to agree with you again...The child that I have the hardest time with most of the time is my own.. He does not understand why saturday there are no rules, before 7 am there are no rules and after 7 pm there are no rules, but for 12 hours of the day, there are a ton of DC rules and he doesn't know how to behave when and why..


BUt I still love having him here with me daily..

[Country Kids]

For those that didn't have your children as part of your daycare group what did you do with them all day? This was my main reason for staying home with my children-so that I could be with them. If I had them in a different part of the house or not included in my daily activities why stay home? I find that kinda sad-. Maybe I'm not reading the posts right. I can see them being able to come and go because mine were but not do include them just seems odd.

[daycare]

For those that didn't have your children as part of your daycare group what did you do with them all day? This was my main reason for staying home with my children-so that I could be with them. If I had them in a different part of the house or not included in my daily activities why stay home? I find that kinda sad-. Maybe I'm not reading the posts right. I can see them being able to come and go because mine were but not do include them just seems odd.

i am not saying to separate them at all times, I am saying give them a space of their own to go to when they feel overwhelmed by the DCK. You can't expect your child to be under DC rules for the amount of hours that you operate, so give them some of their own space.

My son is 4 now and he now does just about every single thing we do.. Plus I get to know that hes ok all day and can still be loved by me even if it is not the entire day.... .

I often feel bad for my DCK when they see me loving on my son, because they dont get that from their mommy and daddy a billion times a day, they get it from me and that is just not the same.

[nannyde]

For those that didn't have your children as part of your daycare group what did you do with them all day? This was my main reason for staying home with my children-so that I could be with them. If I had them in a different part of the house or not included in my daily activities why stay home? I find that kinda sad-. Maybe I'm not reading the posts right. I can see them being able to come and go because mine were but not do include them just seems odd.

I had my house set up so mine could run the house. He had his own room, the living room, and the upstairs playroom to free range. He could come into the daycare space if he wanted so he bopped in and out.

It wasn't a problem for him. He had the choice to be in the playroom with constant adult supervision and group rules or run the house doing whatever he wanted without adult supervision and no group rules.

He gladly ran the house. He was in the playroom for the cream of the crop stuff like playdoh, painting, crafts, etc. but when "go play toys" came around he scooted on out and did his own thing.

He could watch TV whenever he wanted, get out tons of toys, play with little bits, play and watch TV at the same time, climb the furniture, eat whenever he wanted, etc.

I had a daycare for seven years before he was born. I didn't start doing child care to stay home with my kid. He was born into this life and I knew I did NOT want him to be raised as a daycare child in his own home. I did 24 hour care until a couple of years ago so I REALLY had to set his life up to have a home life. I was VERY strict with the daycare kids schedule both day and night to make sure that he had plenty of family time and time to just be a kid in his home.

[Country Kids]

Weren't you ever worried about them getting hurt or doing something that they weren't suppose to be doing? I totally trust my kids but.........when they are little they need supervision. Isn't that why we are suppose to be insight or sound of the daycare children at all times?

Also, I my children counted in my count of children so basically they had to follow all the rules and regulations that my state has-. So if they were to be in their room unsupervised that would have been a big no, no. They couldn't even go in my backyard because I wouldn't have been there. I think that is why some of mine struggle because they always had to be involved!

[Cat Herder]

For those that didn't have your children as part of your daycare group what did you do with them all day? This was my main reason for staying home with my children-so that I could be with them. If I had them in a different part of the house or not included in my daily activities why stay home? I find that kinda sad-. Maybe I'm not reading the posts right. I can see them being able to come and go because mine were but not do include them just seems odd.

I ran daycare before my kids were born as well.

When I decided to get pregnant again (search any SIDS thread for new comers), I switched to Before/After School and Summer Program only. I paid off debt like a fiend first in preparation.

My babies had my full attention during the school year and had EVERYONES attention the rest of the time...:::: They were the adored mascots.

Once they were school aged, I made the switch to infants-4 and home schooled through online virtual academy during daycare hours.

Now that they are teens, they do arts and crafts, read stories and even dance with the littles when they want to. The same thing the first group did for them...the DCK's are their adored mascots.

It is a really wonderful cycle.

[nannyde]

Weren't you ever worried about them getting hurt or doing something that they weren't suppose to be doing? I totally trust my kids but.........when they are little they need supervision. Isn't that why we are suppose to be insight or sound of the daycare children at all times?

Also, I my children counted in my count of children so basically they had to follow all the rules and regulations that my state has-. So if they were to be in their room unsupervised that would have been a big no, no. They couldn't even go in my backyard because I wouldn't have been there. I think that is why some of mine struggle because they always had to be involved!

Nope

I am an excellent safety proofer. By the time he was born I had twenty years under my belt. When I was a Nanny the families I worked for had MANY houses and travelled extensively to hotels and rental homes. It was part of my job to safety proof every place we went. I did it for years.

I set up my home to accomodate a free ranger. Everything he couldn't have was blocked off. My back yard is completely fenced in. He could go outside and play for HOURS with his dog, sandbox, BIG scoop trucks, and hotwheels. I could see him from the kitchen window. When he was out he would find stuff to do for HOURS.

I had play yards around the tv's....... hook locks on the doors, all heavy things bolted/secured into the walls..... kitchen blocked off with half walls and doors with hook locks..........

He wasn't quite two in this pic: see blockage of the playroom tv

http://www.nanshouse.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=41875715

It was a learning curve for me to have a child that wasn't someone else's kid. I had the freedom to allow him to be free within the house. It was SO much easier than watching others children. There wasn't much pressure to keep him COMPLETELY accident free every day. I did have to learn what kids WOULD do when they weren't supervised every single second they were up on their feet. I hadn't had that experience because every child care job I had ....... I HAD to keep them safe at all times. He taught me a thing or two about a thing or two.
He was also the biggest kid I had ever had (he's eleven years four months and already five foot four and a half)..... He could do things a lot earlier than other kids I had because he was so much taller so much earlier than I was used to.

He did count in my numbers but THANKFULLY my state doesn't require us to do the same rules for daycare kids as our kids. I've heard of states requiring this.

He had it pretty sweet. He had a life here I WISH I could give the other kids.

[daycare]

the front part of my house that I use DC in is shaped like a U

Living room in front left, dinning and kitchen in the bottom of the U, then off to the right is the daycare room. There are no walls between these room that don't allow me to have direct supervision of my child at all times.

He is too young even at 4 to play in his own room alone. I dont allow for him to be out of my sight unless he has to potty. Then I can still hear him as the bathroom is also near the area he is in.

[Ariana]

She doesn't act violently towards the other child just doesn't seem to like her. My child is 2 years old so definately is in the stage of "MINE". When the other daycare children started there was no issue because she was only 16 months and didn't really care. Now that she's 2 she cares. I also remember the 2 year old that I started acting the same way towards her at 16 months. Now they're best friends. Almost like a pekking order being set up.

The reason I feel it's jealosy is because when I hug the other DCG she says "no she's MY mom". This makes me suspect jeaousy but at the same time maybe it's just a posession thing like she is with many toys (which is normal!). Maybe my post made it sound like she was crazy out of control brat but she really isn't!! I just wanted her to understand that I'm always her mom and that I'm not now all of a sudden someone else's mom kwim?

I definately think I don't give her enough attention. I was chatting with my husband last night and realized that often I am so focused on the kids that aren't my own I sort of forget about her needs. I think if anything I need to treat her more equal....maybe in my quest to treat everyone like my own I'm ignoring her more?

Anyway thanks for all the suggestions and thoughts. You've given me lots to think about

[Ariana]

Before you get offended, please remember you asked. You don't have to agree with me to be my friend. That is the beauty of free will and personal experiences.

Not offended at all!! Thanks for your point of view. As someone who has worked in daycare centres for many years I know exactly what you're talking about and go out of my way NOT to be that co-worker mom that irked me so much! LOL