Help with Casually Violent Two-year-old

[Guest]

I have a kid who arrived here having never interacted with another child. They've been here for a year, and they have stopped trying to claw the eyeballs out of the other children, but they do sometimes cheerfully walk up behind the other kids and attempt to strangle them. They will wrap their arms around the other kids' throat from behind and bear them down to the floor, without provocation, while grinning.

The latest thing they have added to the repertoire is to run up behind another child, leap onto the other child's back, and attempt to dangle from where they have their hands gripping the other child's hair. They do this to bigger kids and littler kids.

We had evaded injury until today, when they casually reached out and ripped a handful of hair from another child's scalp. Earlier in the day, they said they wanted me to read them a book, and when I said yes, they walked up, smiled at me, and smashed the book into my face as hard as they could. My nose has been hurting for a couple of hours.

The parents are at a loss and are of the "try to gently persuade your child to be nice using coaxing words and sympathy and snuggles, and label the strangulation as hugs" philosophy. I am of the "anybody who hurts another person doesn't have access to other people, immediately" variety, but a rambunctious two-year-old can climb out of any crib I've got and rip the gates out of the wall, so the periods of separation are brief. Now that the child is verbal, they are screaming "I need to play with kid X" the entire time, which leads me to believe that the violence is a terribly dysfunctional attempt at social interaction.

The parents are good clients and have another kid on the way, so if this is survivable, it's steady and overall pleasant business. But the logistics of making sure that this child is never left with access to another child for even a moment while I run to the bathroom is the kind of stress that I'm sure you all are familiar with. I have another, littler kid who is a major bully to everyone but this kid (probably because he's no fool), so it's not my favorite year.

So is this just the point at which I say "I'm sorry; my program cannot guarantee the safety of your child or other children"? One reason I'd like to avoid doing that is that they are part of the community that has become the source of all of my best clients for the last several years. With a kid just past two years old, I'm hoping that the violent social behavior can be extinguished in the next few months like the eye gouging was.

Dang, my nose hurts.

[Springvalley]

Terminate this child immediately

[girlmomma]

I am sorry this is happening. It can be so hard to deal with children like this. Is it possible he’s seen this behavior somewhere/at home?

1) you can terminate childcare immediately and wash your hands of the situation.

2) Implement a new policy that states you will send the child home after every incident moving forward. Sometimes when you inconvenience the parent, they are more likely to do something to help solve the problem.

I’ve gone with the second option a couple of times when dealing with behavior like this. Both times, the families chose to pull their child. I call it a “soft termination.” However, if a child actually hit me on purpose, I would terminate on the spot as the behavior has escalated.

[Pestle]

I think it's very unlikely that they are seeing this behavior at home. Instead, this family leans much more toward attachment parenting/child-led everything.

[Pestle]

Oh, hey, I forgot to log in. That was me.

It's funny how terrible behavior from parents or children can creep and creep and creep until it reaches the point where writing it out is ridiculous, isn't it? "Sure, this child tries to strangle the other children and may knock one of my teeth out soon, but how can I continue getting along with this client family while their kid is causing mayhem to other people's children on my watch?"

It's been six hours and my nose still hurts. I cannot afford to pay for oral surgery. I cannot afford to lose the business if I get a reputation for running a daycare where children are getting hurt.

I sent an email to the parents, detailing what happened and how I typically respond to aggressive behavior. I told them that, from now on, they will need to immediately pick up if this child attempts to hurt another kid, and I also made it clear that I can't continue to watch the child if they are going to behave in a way that could seriously injure me.

I told them what my regular practice is with aggression, including immediate response, redirection, modeling desired behaviors, and environmental practices like regular meal times, outdoor/gross motor play, and resting periods. I said that I'm happy to answer questions or write a note for them if they need it for a doctor.

I just don't see any way that this behavior would immediately turn around, because I don't see an obvious reason for it beyond a personal quirk. It's going to really suck to take the income hit right now, but the dental work would be way more expensive.

[Guest]

Do you have access to any institution that evaluates and cares for children with developmental and behavioral issues? I'd talk to the parents about getting some help for this child. In my experience, that has been either someone coming to the child's home or your setting, OR recommending that the child is cared for in an alternative setting that is set up to deal with this child's needs and issues.

[Michael]

The parents should bring the child to a child behavioral specialist. Once they identify with the issue is, a course of action can then be discussed with their pediatrician.

[Pestle]

They have gotten an appointment set up with the pediatrician and with a play therapist.

This child entered daycare for the first time at 14 months, during the pandemic, and had never seen another child at all or interacted with any other peers.

The aggressive behavior is always unprovoked, without any other interaction with the victims, and is usually done when I'm at the other end of the room or assisting another child with a diaper change, so I'm confident that it's not an attempt to provoke a reaction from the only adult in the space. Sometimes, they are definitely doing it in order to take away a toy that the other child is playing with, but most often, there seems to be no purpose. The child is always smiling while doing it. We might have a week where it doesn't happen at all or a day where they do it two or three times.

I have let the parents know that further aggression toward the caregiver will result in termination of care, and that we have to immediately turn a corner on aggression toward other kids if their child is to remain in care. They say they have no idea why this is happening, because it never happens at home or with other friends. However, I have seen the child strangle the parents and hit the parents in the face during pick up--not recently; months ago.