18 Month Old Boy's Anxiety

[Nellie]

I have been taking care of an 18 month old boy. He started coming to me at one year old. From birth to 8 months the boy was cared for in the home by a cousin. Then from 8 months to 1 year he went to a in home daycare. When the family contacted me they were looking only for care while the current provider was on maternity leave. The old provider had contacted me before he started and told me that he was a handful. The first couple of weeks in her care he cried for hours on end. A few days during the first week she had to call the parents to pick him up. He did get better at drop offs and would only cry for 10 to 15 minutes afterwards, but when the provider left his side, was not holding him, ect he would cry. She told me that after a few weeks that he had to learn that he couldn't be held, sitting on her lap, or right next to her every minute of the day and he was just going to have to cry it out. She limited the picking up and holding of the baby. After about 3 weeks at my house the parents asked me if I would want to keep him, and I did.

When he started at my house he cried for about 5 to 10 minutes after parents left. After a week and a half he would only let out a little wine right as mom walked out the door. On weeks dad dropped off he did put up a little more of a fuss. He is a daddies boy and Mom said that dad was more of a push over. He can play on dads emotions. During the first couple months of care he often sat on my lap while we played. I cuddled him often and things transitioned rather well. He became more independent and I had rather no problems with him. He was a little clingy and needed more cuddling that my son that was the same age as him, but not a problem in my book. After all he is just a little over one. One thing that did never leave was if someone he didn't know came into the facility he would cry and I would have to hold him. Through out the summer he never really became comfortable enough with my 13 year old daughter. When my husband comes home from work, my mom stops over to pick up one of the grand kids he cries and I need to hold him.

He was really good for about 4 months. Two months ago he started getting anxious again. He was fine when parents dropped him off. But he started crying when I would leave the room. Then it go as bad as him crying when it took 3 steps away from him. I started talking to him about what I was doing. If I was going into the kitchen to make a bottle I told him what I was doing and would talk to him the entire time I was away. Most of the the time he frantically would fallow me and cry at my leg. When I was done doing what needed to be done I pick him up and calm him down. I first I kind of thought he was just being a "baby". But the look on his face when I would stand up to move looked just like he saw his mom drive away from the house and he was left home alone. I had come to the conclusion that he was really scared. I started reading more about separation anxiety in children, every thing I read stated that it was normal for a child that age to have some when a child was separated for the parent. Example --dropping off at daycare. I was not able to find anything about a child that age being scared of a caregiver just leaving the room to go to the next(the room is visible from the first). When I have to go to the bathroom he sits outside the door and freaks out. This seems to come and go. He will be scared out of his mind for 2 weeks, then he is fine for 2 weeks. It started the other day again. This will be the third time in 3 months. The only thing that I have found that helps some is to let him know where I'm going to go and ask him if he wants to come. Example "Billy I need to go get a book, do you want to come with?" I wait for him to jump up and he fallows me. When I am cooking or cleaning the kitchen after meals I bring some toys in their and have play on the floor by me or have him color or paint at the table while I work. When I go to the bathroom I leave the door cracked. We have a partition wall next to the toilet so he can't see me and I talked to his parents before we stated it. I found this to work because once I didn't shut the door all the way. He pushed on it and it opened. I told him to close the door and he did all beside an 1/8 inch sliver. He stood at the door, but didn't cry.

These things help, but there is still quite a bit of whining and crying in the house. He weighs over 37 pounds and I can't carry him every where. Has any one experienced anything like this. What can I do to help him feel secure?

[erinalexmom]

This might not be soemthing you want to do at all and it might not help but have you thought of giving him some sort of security object like a teddy bear or something. It could go home and come to daycare and maybe that 'security" for the baby would be on the "object" instead of you or mom or dad?

[nannyde]

I'm wondering if you are mistaking anxiety for control.

He is getting an awful lot of adult attention for when he cries when nothing is really wrong. At his age he shouldn't really care what you are doing. He should be knee deep in self entertainment and toy playing. He shouldn't even be tracking you or what you are doing.

You should be able to carry on your care of the other kids and your normal life activites without dealing with how he feels about it. He's old enough to be directed to the toys and the other kids and send him the message that he needs to do THEM and not do YOU.

When other people come in and out they want a piece of your attention. He's telling you he doesn't want you to give them any of you because HE wants you. You should be able to have a family reunion in your house and he pay you and them no nevermind.

I think there's a chance you are petting an unstable mindset. His reaction to your good healthy loving care is to cry instead of enjoy it and feel free to play, eat, and explore. He may need you to INSIST that he IS perfectly fine and you expect that he reacts normally to it instead of creating chaos around it.

I wouldn't talk him through whatever you are doing so that he doesn't cry. I would tell him to go play toys and direct him to the kids and the toys. I would confine him in a play pen or play yard when you have to do stuff like go to the bathroom, cook, clean up the other kids etc. if he refuses to go play while you are doing these things. He should NOT be shadowing you so that he is calmed.

It's your job to tell him he is fine and expect that he accepts that he is fine. He's not an imobile infant. He can be up and moving and interacting with his environment without insisting that you one to one him every step of the way. He shouldn't be able to pick and choose week by week whether or not he accepts your envrionment. Whether he has anxiety or not... what you offer him should NOT cause him anxiety after hundreds of exposures over many weeks of time.

I think you need to be honest with the parents and find out if he is having an adult one to one him when he is away from your house. They need to be asked if they believe he NEEDS his own adult. If he truly needs his adult because he has "mental health" issues then they need to have him with someone who is trained to deal with his mental health issues and a theraputic environment. He shouldn't be in a regular setting with other normal kids. It's not good for him if he has a disorder that the environment is causing anxiety flare ups.

He needs to be evaluated by a proffessional and if he is found to have signs of a mental illness then the parents need to access the help he needs and pay for the special care he will need.

If he is normal and spoiled then it's time to back him off of the adult and steer him toward what he SHOULD be doing at that age............ which is free play toys with supervision and the other kids interacting alonside of him in parallel play.

He is quite heavy for his age. Is he very tall?

Does he nap daily and is he doing any hitting, biting, pinching, or fighting?

Good luck and it sounds like you are a WONDERFUL lady and very loving. He's lucky to have someone who has invested so much to make him feel comfortable. Just keep in mind that you ARE being abundantly fair with your interaction with him. If what you are doing .... which is a VERY high level of interaction in a group setting... STILL isn't enough to calm him then you either have a medical issue or a very spoiled little boy who wants his own adult minute to minute.

[cheerfuldom]

nanny gave you a very thorough post. in a nutshell, i think you should stop all the catering, fully integrate him once and for all into your daycare setting and keep the expectations for him the same as anyone else. re-evaluate after 30 days whether the environment is the right fit for him. The fact that he can stop this behavior when he chooses is a good sign that it is not necessary in the first place. EVERY kid I have ever cared for has tried this. Right now I have three young ones that are very spoiled at home (11-13 months old) and they all are different kids here. They are not to young to understand that I don't carry, let kids shadow me, let kids in the bathroom with me, etc. Its amazing how they each turn on the drama and whiny and crying the instants moms and dads show up. Its like a different kid, especially with the 13 month old.

[Nellie]

Thanks every one for all the advice. At first I did believe that he was just being whinny or spoiled, and I'm probable being taken for a loop. I've been thinking about his behavior long and hard over the weekend. He always has been pretty clingy and often fallows room to room. I say "**** your just fine." "**** your ok." so often I don't even realize I do it any more. Under normal cercumstances those lines tend to calm him down, and I can tell he is working hard at holding in the cry or wine when I leave the room. If he slept well the night before mornings are good. He will play with the other children. He has a harder time controlling himself before and after naps with the crying or fallowing me around. I often try to cuddle with him after nap for a bit to allevate this. These are time when I can tell that using these lines and redirecting him work. It works some, but I can see it in his face, body language he is holding it back. His body often becomes very stiff looking. Sometimes he just stands there other times I am succsessfull at getting him to play with a toy. But I can tell that his attention is not on what he is playing with it is me. Often a little wines come out hear and there. I reasure him again and his face squints up as he trys to hold it in.
The periods of time we have had where he is pretty much goes into a total tailspin when I start to walk away have been after immunizations and while cutting teeth. He doesn't sleep well at home at through out the night and niether here when he is in a melt down period. The stress of not feeling well makes his irrational fear of me leaving almost impossible and thats where I began to turn to some of the methods I posted about in my prevoius comment.
He is an only child and gets to spend quality time with both parents. Dad goes into work early in the am so mom has some time in the am before he comes. Dad picks up and he has 2 to 3 hours alone with dad. Dad works pm once a month and he stays with dad until 2 and then has mom to himself for the evening. I know that he throws fits at home with changing diapers, getting in the carseat, running away from them, and he eats certain foods here that he won't at home. He also goes down for naps pretty good. I think mom and dad rock him to sleep quite often. Other than this I have no trouble with him. He listens and is pretty good with the other kids. He will occationally take a toy away from another, but I have a group of one year olds and he doesn't do it any more than the next one. And for the most part I have been able to nip it in the butt. Sometimes he has trouble playing without an adult. All the other kids can keep themselves busy, but at times he just sits there. Without knowig better I would think that he was a tv kid. It always seems children that watch alot of tv have a hard time entertaining themselves. But on special occations where I allow them to watch a video he never does.
I probable overestimated his weight. I was thinking of the weight of my older son at that age instead of my son that is his age. I'm guessing he a couple of pounds heavier than my son and my son is almost 30. He is a tall boy, but solid also. His is in the upper 90 to 100 in both catagoyies. He doesn't look overweight.
Dad is typically the one who picks up and he isn't much of a talker. I have documented his behavor on his daily sheets that they recieve. When I talk to mom about it she never says anything. After a paticuallry bad day when I was talking to dad he made the comment "He acts like he just saw you fall off of the earth, I don't know why he does this. "
He has a doctors appointment this week. Maybe I'll review with mom what is doing and ask her if she can ask the doctor if there is anything I can do to help with his fear. I guess that will open up a door for communication and in the mean time keep redirecting him at age appropraite activities and letting him know he is ok. Thanks for the advice everyone.

[cheerfuldom]

I hope you get some resolution but even from your second post, it just seems that he is so dependent on a certain sort of treatment that he just does not have coping skills for anything else. Unless there is some sort of other "special needs" issues going on, it really sounds like he needs a big push (not literally, ha ha!) towards independence. You sound very loving and devoted but I would never do all the coddling that you are doing.

[laundrymom]

You are giving a barking dog a cookie. When a dog barks and you give it a cookie to shush it's barking it makes him bark more.

Kids work the same way.

You leave the room, he cries, ( barks) you say you are ok, I'm right here. Your fine, etc. ( that's the cookie)

Kids are masters at recognizing patterns. Even subtle behavior patterns. Example, when I put on the highchair tray it clicks into place, I grab a bib and put it on baby, if I put bib on baby with no click o e of the others will let me know it's not clicked. Now, "I" can't hear the click. Because I'm on top the tray, I can't hear it I feel it. But the kids eat at the preschool table. They are below the tray and can hear the tiny click. If somthing is out of place they know. The pattern is different.

You have unintentionally taught this boy that fussing gets your attention even when it's only auditory.

My advice,... Leave MORE. Tell him. David I'm going potty. I'll be back. Gate him so he CAN'T follow you. When you come back he will have thrown a rip roaring fit. He may have red faced tear tracks and snot bubbles. Expect it. Grab a recording blanket or some thing. Wipe quickly. Then say David I'm back. And go play with someone else.

Purposly belittle his fits, responses, and control tantrums. The less attention you give to an undesired behavior, the faster it will disappear. I promise.

Even eye contact is reinforcing a bad behavior. You must reteach him desired Behaviors.

No attention for fits, gives no reward for fits.

Never give a barking dog a cookie.
Never give attention to an undesired behavior.
If he cries when you pee, pee more. David I'm going potty, nothing more, go come back and say I went potty. And ignore the fit. It's not hard. But it is.

It's worth it though. I bet a few days of it and he shows signs of getting better. Good luck.