How Can I Get Over My Fears?

[Guest]

Our son has reactive airway disorder. More specifically virally-induced asthma. A cold goes right to his lungs/bronchiolitis. He's been hospitalized twice, on oxygen as an infant because of this (thanks RSV), he's been sick 4xs in a year requiring albuterol/pulmicort/sometimes predisone oral steroid.

We were thinking of putting him in daycare (ok for now we are). He's 20 mo. Socially, I know he's ready. But I'm terrified of him getting sick and not being able to handle it. When you see your kid asphixiated during birth and in the hospital for a week/requiring oxygen at 6 weeks old, you just don't forget these things. He's sick now and his cough is just horrible.

Also, the fear of the what ifs.

What if a teacher is a jerk to him and I don't know about it
The kid puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. They required markers, crayons, glue sticks. I'm not comfortable with this.
They said in the winter, given weather requirements, he's going outside. If he forgets a hat/gloves--tough. WTH? WHY do they even have to go outside in the winter?

I know a lot of this is my fear projection but still...he's all I got. I don't know about this but friends are all "oh all kids get sick". Well none of them were ever in the hospital.

He was at home for 20 months with a private nanny (nursing student) who had to go back to school so we're losing her. My DH wants the daycare. I think we're making a mistake.

It was rated "best in town" by the local paper and has great ratings. We liked it and all but reading horror stories about any daycare scares me. And after visiting one where baby pools were next to a dumpster (I kid you not) I'm just disgusted by the lack of care/standards places have. You have zero clue what's going on to your 20 mo old who can't talk when you're not there.

Ugh. I hate all of this.

[Michael]

FIrst off, welcome to the Daycare.com Forum. My wife and I were the same way with our son who was in and out of the hospital when he was young. Putting your child in daycare is probably the hardest step since you are giving his care in essence to someone else.

If you've checked out the daycare and spoken with other parents and have received good feedback then you should go forward with placing him there. I'm sure the first few days will be tough but it will get better.

I am sure some of the other daycare operators here will have some good perspective and suggestions on what to expect. Preparation is everything. I hope your son outgrows some of his ailments. Good luck.

[Crystal]

I am a provider who has worked with children that have had RSV, resulting in an ongoing issue with virally-induced asthma. I have cared for several children with these issues in my 13 years of experience. While it can be scary, if you understand and recognize the symptoms and the treatment, it is fairly easy to ensure that a child will be safe while in care. Some info and advice:

Any provider/center that you enroll your child in is required to have staff present at all times who are pediatric cpr/first aid certified. Check their cards. Ask if they have any additional training specifically related to asthma....many of us do!

While your child may get sick when he first begins care, group care assists the child in developing resistance to illness. Over time, this can be a real benefit for a child with virally-induced asthma, as they get sick LESS by the time they begin formal schooling.

Ask the center what their sanitizing procedure is like. They should be: sanitizing tables, high chairs before and after every meal. They should be sterilizing restrooms at minimum one time per day, as well as when their is any mess. They should be sanitizing diapering tables after each use. They should be using bleach solution OR another FDA approved sanitizer....NOT lysol. You should see ALOT of handwashing occurring. Stay to observe before enrolling and make sure you notice these procedures, they significantly cut down on the spread of germs.

Ask them what their sick child policy is and ensure that it is enforced. Sick children create more sick children - if you enroll, be respectful of this and don't bring your child sick either as it creates a vicious circle of the kids getting sick over and over again.

Your other concerns:

What if a teacher is a jerk to him and I don't know about it That would suck, but it is not likely. After the initial transition of moving him into child care, pay close attention to your child's cues - is he genuinely fearful of being dropped off. How does he behave when you come to pick him up? Your child's behavior is the best indicator for this, if he cannot verbally tell you what is occurring. Also, DO drop in unnnounced at different times of the day to see what is happening in the program when you would not typically be there. Chances are, everything will be fine, but it is always best to check, just to be sure.
The kid puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. They required markers, crayons, glue sticks. I'm not comfortable with this. Your child needs to have access to these things. It is important for children to have these experiences when they are toddlers - it goes along way towards emergent writing and expressive creativity. Teach your child not to put things in his mouth - every time he putssomething that is not food in, you remove it and tell him, we don't put toys in our mouths, only food.
They said in the winter, given weather requirements, he's going outside. If he forgets a hat/gloves--tough. WTH? WHY do they even have to go outside in the winter? Alot of parents question this. If it is way too cold/stormy, they shouldn't be outside. BUT, cold weather does not cause illness. Illness causes illness, and being cooped up in a confined space with several other children, for days on end, creates a haven for bacteria. Children get sick more often if they are not outside getting fresh air and ample exercise.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

[Lilbutterflie]

Your son sounds exactly like MY son!! Well, my son did not get RSV; but we have been in and out of the ER and doctor's offices for asthma symptoms since he was just 3 months old. He's been on all the same medications, pulmicort, albuterol (we have xopinex now... it doesn't cause the shakes like albuterol did), prednisone. I know exactly where your concerns are coming from, there is NOTHING scarier to me than a child who cannot get enough air!

I am a daycare provider now, but I used to be a full time working mom and I had to leave my infant son at a preschool. First, when he had these attacks after getting a cold; I would stay home with him for about 3 days, however long he needed to have nebulizer treatments. I just could not trust ANY daycare provider to be able to recognize when he was wheezing and needed a treatment. In this condition, I'd say he would be too sick to go to daycare anyway. Yes, I was taking a LOT of days off work, but I think if your Dr. is willing to write a doctors note stating his condition, you should be covered at your work under FMLA; depending on the FMLA laws in your state.

Your son will get sick more often in a daycare, it's just the nature of daycare. Most daycares do a lot to prevent the spread of germs, but sometimes you just can't stop it. On the other hand, though, he will hopefully develope a better immune system after a while; which will be essential since it's the common cold that triggers his asthma.

About going outside in the winter... most daycare providers are required by the state to have time for the children to be outside and play. There is usually a temperature range at which they are not required to take them outside, but it has to be pretty darn cold in most states to keep them inside!! Each state is different, which state are you from?

I hope this helps!

[professionalmom]

Also, the fear of the what ifs.

You are a mom and moms (myself especially) are notorious for envisioning the most dire situations and then obsessing about it. Who do you think came up with the phrase, "I thought you were dead, in a ditch somewhere!" That's us, the over-reacting moms. Sometimes it's justified (such as in your case), but usually it is not. To help put your mind at ease, please review these statistics: http://www.census.gov/prod/2010pubs/p70-121.pdf.

It shows that out of 20,047,000 children in the US in 2005, 12,726,000 of them (62.8%) were in a regular child care arrangement. Now, I know you hear the horror stories and it is VERY frightening. However, keep in mind how many children are in daycare each and every day. Then compare that to the horror stories you hear. The vast majority of daycare are really very good and take very good care of the children in their care. There are a few bad apples, but there are always a few bad apples in every group (professional, religious, political, etc.). You would just have to do your own research on whatever facility you choose.

What if a teacher is a jerk to him and I don't know about it
The kid puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. They required markers, crayons, glue sticks. I'm not comfortable with this.
They said in the winter, given weather requirements, he's going outside. If he forgets a hat/gloves--tough. WTH? WHY do they even have to go outside in the winter?

As for going outside, most state regulations require it UNLESS the weather is extreme (heat index or wind chill). It purpose is to give the children some fresh air which is good for their lungs, exercise, and exposure to direct sunlight, which is a good source of vitamins. It is not something that the facility can control. However, due to your specific situation, I would think that supplying a doctor's note regarding your son's special vulnerability to the elements would need to be addressed by the facility and would exclude your son from the outside playtime. They may be able to send him to another teacher/caregiver during the outside time. But be aware that many places are not capable of doing that based on ratio laws and such. It may not be up to the facility. It may be a logistics and ratio problem. So try to shop for a facility that has enough staff to accommodate that.

As for the markers, crayons, etc. - well, these are kids and kids LOVE arts and crafts. they are little artists. Although I understand your fear (my barely 2 yr old DD likes to EAT crayons), please understand that if the daycare did not have these items, the children would not get the opportunity to be creative in this way and that would be sad. And many parents would be offended if a daycare did not offer arts and crafts. It's that fundamental to early childhood development. Also keep in mind that usually these items are put up really high or locked up until they are to be used. Then the adults are supervising very closely, knowing full well that some children will try to put these items in their mouths. So the teachers are right there to stop them. I highly doubt (at least no decent program would) that the children are being given free reign to play with these items unsupervised.

I know a lot of this is my fear projection but still...he's all I got. I don't know about this but friends are all "oh all kids get sick". Well none of them were ever in the hospital.

Have you told your friends that? I would. I would simply explain, "I know that 'all kids get sick', but MY child happens to have a special vulnerability where the slightest cold could turn into an inpatient hospitalization or worse. So with all do respect, please do not dismiss my fears, when they are, in fact, based on special circumstances." It may sound witchy to some "friends", but your REAL friends will understand that your fears are not unreasonable or first-time-mom, overprotectiveness, but based on the horrors you have experience with regard to your son's health, which, thankfully, they have not had to even deal with.

He was at home for 20 months with a private nanny (nursing student) who had to go back to school so we're losing her. My DH wants the daycare. I think we're making a mistake.

With your set of circumstances, especially your son's special vulnerabilities and your nervousness, I would advise that you try to find another nanny. I think it would be best for all of you.

It was rated "best in town" by the local paper and has great ratings. We liked it and all but reading horror stories about any daycare scares me. And after visiting one where baby pools were next to a dumpster (I kid you not) I'm just disgusted by the lack of care/standards places have. You have zero clue what's going on to your 20 mo old who can't talk when you're not there.

Again look at the statistics and understand that the horror stories are a VERY, VERY, VERY small fraction of daycares. There are many daycares that are offering great opportunities to young children. Also, please realize that no matter what situation you go with, you will have to give up some of the control of being there all the time. Sadly, we can not protect our children 24/7. Although I understand your son's issues, at some point you will have to start to let go, whether the right time is now or later. Eventually, he will start school and you will not have much control over that. It is usually best to make the transition before to start preparing for school. Yet, you do still have plenty of time for that.

As a former daycare provider, I would be hesitant to take you on as a client because of your nervousness. There has to be some trust involved and I would consider you a "nervous nelly", which would make me nervous. I would be afraid that you would find something wrong with everything I do. I think you may need more time to adjust to the idea of daycare (and use a nanny in the meantime) and to give your son's immune system a chance to strengthen a little more so he's not quite so vulnerable.

May god bless you and give you peace of mind with whatever decision you make.

[Jewels]

I am not a daycare center, I am a family home, But I have a child who has been so sick at times, And he has asthma, And needs the albuterol, with his nebulizer, I have taken a couple classes on asthma and other related illnesses, And when hes having rough times, They always bring his nebulizer, and it gets used...most providers can handle this, and know what cues to watch for. As for being scared of them being mean when your not around, You just have to grow a trust, I agree with a PP, watch for cues, Thats not saying just because hes scared a couple times it means hes being mistreated, Kids go through different phases, Honestly this is something you just don't know, and have to trust. Markers and crayons, I start introducing these at 12 months or so, And they do put them in their mouths, But remember they are non-toxic, I usually put the young ones up with the other one, for a short period, just teaching them what the crayons are for, And after a few guides to the paper, And a few times to the mouth, Put them back down, And after a while they get realize they dont get to [B]e up there, if they keep trying to eat the crayons (but I'm tempted to try them, There must be something good about these crayons we don't understand, cause the kids love to eat them J/k I'm not tempted)
And winter outdoors, If its above 20 degrees we go outside for at least 10 minutes usually longer, They all get dressed well, and if someones missing gloves/hat, I have many spares for this occasion.....like a PP said outside is so good for them, fresh air, This is why kids get so sick in winter, is because everyone is confined indoors.....And its also most daycare laws that they go outside everyday "weather permitting"
I hope you can get more confortable, I know its hard, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it, Can you go hang out at the daycare for a few hours, you should be able to.

[My Daycare]

I copied this quote from the DCFS licensing standards in IL.

"Children shall be taken outdoors for a portion of every day, when weather
permits, except when the child is ill or unless indicated otherwise by parent
or physician."

That's the only mention of going outside in the entire handbook. That statement can be open to interpretation. In my opinion, there are many, many days of inclement weather in Chicago. Maybe you can find a daycare that will interpret it in a way that would accommodate your families needs. Also, it looks like you may have a say in weather or not your child can go outside. However, finding a daycare that can or will to do that may be difficult.

Good Luck!